Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before... - FML

By wtf - 3/2/2009 03:28 - United States

Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before my job interview because I tend to sweat there a lot and was wearing a white skirt. I went to the bathroom afterward to take it out but it wasn't there anymore. It could have only gone up two places. FML

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Messed up

Social distancing gone wrong

Race against the clock

By Anonymous - 21/9/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, I got a new computer because my old one crashed, deleting all music, photos, and documents. I still had all my music on my iPod though, and went to sync it to the new computer. By accident, my younger brother pulled the cord out before it was done, deleting all 3,000 songs forever. FML

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By Taylor - 15/7/2012 14:42 - United States - Eastchester

Today, I shaved my legs for the first time in three weeks. It took half an hour, three disposable razors, and I cut my legs up so badly they look worse then they did when they were hairy. FML

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By AnHoneyMouse - 12/5/2017 02:00

Today, while I was cooking, my dogs were messing around behind me. I suddenly felt a painful bite on my ass cheek and instinctively kicked back. I then realized it was my 3-year-old daughter, who was laying on the floor crying with a nose bleed. FML

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By usmcpain - 23/6/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I couldn't sleep and in the process of tossing and turning I did something very painful to my back. I spent 4 years in the marine corps infantry, but laying in a bed kicks my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2017 12:00 - United States

Today, while e-mailing my dream college, I noticed you can see other people's profile pictures when I saw a lady I've met before. I've been using this e-mail account to communicate with all the colleges and universities. My profile picture is baby Elmo. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2009 05:22 - France

Today, I got unbelievably drunk and pissed in the corner of my room, all over a plug socket, which blew out the electrics. FML

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By stupidgirlll - 26/6/2009 08:09 - United States

Today, I was excited about showing off my new haircut. All my friends thought it looked really good and it made me look older. What did my boyfriend think? He said I look like a little girl and he was afraid to kiss me in public because he didn't want someone to think he was a pedophile. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 14:35 - Taiwan

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

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By drinkdrankdrunk - 27/9/2013 07:33 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

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By miabun - 14/2/2017 06:02 - United States - Breinigsville

Cling Alert

Today, my boyfriend has helicopter parents. He offered to take me out on a date for Valentine's Day, but there's one condition: his mother has to be there the whole time. He's 17 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2009 02:24 - United States

Today, I was going home with the tomato plant I just bought in my cup holder. The smell of it was filling the car and I love the smell so I picked it up and took a wiff. A few moments later I got pulled over. Apparantly, the cop saw me sniff it and thought I was smelling a marijuana plant. FML

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By aaaaaaaaasssssssssssssss - 26/8/2015 13:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was washing my face like I normally do. My mom walked by as I was wiping my face and said "That's the washcloth I use to wipe my ass!" My dad and brothers are now only addressing me as "Assface." FML

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By imalosertho - 11/6/2014 01:01 - Canada - Truro

Today, I was really hungry at work, and my stomach growled loudly. One of my co-workers heard it and thought it was a cat. Ashamed, I played dumb and we ended up spending twenty minutes looking for a cat that I knew didn't exist. FML

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By kimmykins27 - 31/10/2014 12:58 - United States

Today, we told my fiancé's parents that I'm pregnant. His mom's response? "I'm going to throw up. You can't raise a child." We are both 28, self-sufficient and everyone else is thrilled. FML

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By eyeamcool - 17/4/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, the police posted a description of the car of a child abductor. As everyone slowed down to read the billboard, I realized that the car's description and license plate were very similar to mine. After getting death stares from passengers, I got pulled over. Twice. FML

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By anonymous - 18/12/2016 03:15

Today, my pregnant sister has apparently always loved my boyfriend's name and wants to give it to her child. She expects me to break up with my boyfriend so "it doesn't get weird." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2012 22:09 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I found out where all my missing panties have gone, when my 12-year-old daughter was caught selling them to the boys at school. FML

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By Jessica - 23/3/2013 19:00 - United States - Brighton

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years. He stared at me, then said "Yeah, okay then. I'm gonna watch TV now." He then turned on the TV and watched Top Gun. Not quite the response I was hoping for. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2012 12:21 - United States

Today, I quit smoking. My son came home with an ashtray he made in arts and crafts class. FML

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By SecondBest,IGuess - 30/4/2013 17:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was watching TV, when we started getting frisky. I'd just started to give him a blowjob when he pushed me off and said, "Fun's over." Dragon Ball Z had just come back on. He's 21. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2016 16:01 - United States - Worcester

Today, I finally had sex after a year-long dry spell. It caused an ovarian cyst to rupture and ended up with me in the ER. I'm afraid to ever have sex again. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2013 04:51 - United States - Aurora

Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. They were having signings, but only the first one hundred could get one. When I finally got to the desk, they said I was number hundred and one, and to get lost. FML

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By Da Boss - 5/10/2016 01:19 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my coworker and I agreed to come clean and tell our fellow employees that we have been secretly dating for a while. Before we could, I received a promotion. I am now his boss. FML

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By NoToBombs - 7/11/2014 15:51 - United States - Santa Fe

Today, I got a new roommate. I thought he was pretty cool until he mentioned how everything around us was a conspiracy. Then he asked if I knew how to make a bomb. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2016 08:26 - United States - Wasilla

Today, I was woken up by my dad screaming that the ship was sinking. I started freaking out before I realized that I was sleeping on my couch at home and was not in fact on a ship. FML

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By Username - 15/7/2011 19:51 - United States

Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML

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By ashdk - 28/1/2011 09:12

Today, my fiancé and I just moved into our first apartment together. Our neighbor across the hall? My ex-boyfriend who I've had to file three separate restraining orders on. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, my boss in my police dept. told me to start enforcing the "no bikes on sidewalks" law which we usually ignore. I pulled up behind the first person I saw riding a bike on a sidewalk and flashed my lights. It turned out to be a boy with down syndrome who was so upset he cried and peed. FML

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By stillpoor - 14/3/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, I found out I won a 20 000 dollar scholarship. After celebrating with my family by jumping around the room for a half-hour, we realized it was addressed to someone else with the same last name. When we called to tell her, she said it was weird because she had received my rejection letter. FML

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By Remember the parking brake - 6/10/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love in the backseat. Being in the moment we didn't notice the car moving. We DID notice the pole that stopped us though. FML

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By JC - 26/3/2012 20:56 - United States - Villa Ridge

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, I nervously introduced my mother to my new boyfriend. I had to sit and watch her flirt with him for an hour. When I took her in the other room and confronted her about it, she said, "Don't you dare ruin this for me!" FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2012 07:42 - United States - Fresno

Today, I had three things converge that should never be together: my period, hot doctor, and a colonoscopy. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2016 20:27 - United States - Covina

Today, my manager challenged me to make two big sales at work. Seeing as customers spend a lot of money in our store, I decided the challenge was fairly easy and accepted. She immediately started stealing all of my sales. FML

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By parentalissues - 15/2/2013 15:50 - United States

Today, whilst on a phone interview with a college I really want to go to, my mother picks up the other line and shouts into the phone "She's not going to college, she's lazy and she'll only disappoint you." The interviewer hung up before I could say anything. FML

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By gayboii - 19/3/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, while at a boring lecture, I heard some people behind me whispering and laughing. I turned around, wondering what was so funny, which made them laugh even more. I then realised it looked like I'd been giving my pen a blowjob for the last 10 minutes. FML

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By thatgirl - 18/6/2016 21:19 - Canada - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend took me to get the abortion that we both agreed on. He was being so supportive through the whole thing. When it was all over I thanked him for coming. He replied, "Well that's what got us here in the first place!" He's still mad he can't tell anyone his joke. FML

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By BearMan - 9/2/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I decided to come out to a co-worker. She looked at me, then laughed, and said, "You can't be gay, you're fat!" FML

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By Beeisc00l - 5/10/2011 18:58 - Reserved

Today, I was playing video games at 2am. My guinea pig started squealing at me, and wouldn't stop until I turned out the lights and got into bed. I'm 20 years old, and I've let a rodent dictate my bedtime. FML

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By mr.nobody - 16/12/2011 14:59 - Cyprus

Today, after I sent around 300 entries to a competition hosted by a deodorant company where the main prize is a trip to Hawaii, spending around 5 hours sending the entries, I won a deodorant. FML

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Top comments

By wholelottaROSIE_fml | 0

#40858 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 21:00

if youve got a sweaty buttcrack, dont wear a white skirt.

its really not that hard.

By Guiseppi | 0

#17807 - Friday 6 March 2009 9:40

Probably fell out, hon.

COMMENTS

By calikola | 0

#33 - Tuesday 3 February 2009 11:57

Sounds like a Kathy Griffin routine.

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#1016971 - Thursday 3 June 2010 4:03

or it just fell out during the day

Reply

YANKSFAN4EVER | 0

#1299684 - Wednesday 25 August 2010 15:26

3 places

Reply

ellapaige | 0

#3081411 - Wednesday 10 August 2011 23:43

maybe OP used the idea? just a thought . . .

Reply

Vagitarian1 | 10

#6069558 - Saturday 20 September 2014 8:28

Wish I were that wad of TP!

By w00t_fml | 0

#819 - Monday 9 February 2009 11:13

A white skirt to an interview? Don't you know interviews are dark suits / white shirts only anyways? tsssk tsssk And what's wrong with maxi pads anways.

Reply

nentenkupo | 16

#7632192 - Wednesday 9 May 2018 1:01

That depends on where the job interview was...

By BJacobs | 0

#2960 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 11:17

I was totally going to call her out on the Kathy Griffin thing, glad like 4 other people already did.

By Guiseppi | 0

#17807 - Friday 6 March 2009 9:40

Probably fell out, hon.

By pewp | 5

#25173 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 23:02

yeah, that didn't go up anywhere...

By wholelottaROSIE_fml | 0

#40858 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 21:00

if youve got a sweaty buttcrack, dont wear a white skirt.

its really not that hard.

By Dimaranien | 1

#44677 - Friday 20 March 2009 9:17

lol #2!

By iamtenyearsago | 0

#83554 - Sunday 5 April 2009 4:57

Sweating a lot there is enough of an FML.

By AnneFTW | 17

#98384 - Friday 10 April 2009 6:50

WTH It didn't go up any holes, it fell out.
I think you would feel it going up your ass.

By jme208 | 0

#146034 - Monday 27 April 2009 1:03

probably fell out. i bet that u wud have felt something going up sum hole