Love, Awkward and Transportation: Whoomp whoomp - FML

Whoomp whoomp

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I stopped by the gas station. As I was filling up I noticed a cute guy at the pump next to me. When I was done, I gave him a wink before opening my car door. It was locked. I had to call my Dad to bring my spare keys. The guy was laughing the whole time as I waited for my Dad to show up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 670

You deserved it 54 381

Love Awkward Transportation

Paranoia

Lightweight

Stealth attack

By Why - 29/01/2016 22:53

Spicy

Today, I randomly got a boner while modeling a character's butt in animation class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 556

You deserved it 3 576

Trial and mainly error

By unlucky - 13/11/2011 05:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, I have done enough trials to confirm that I puke after each time I have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 518

You deserved it 4 511

By FavreFan99 - 01/01/2010 17:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 462

You deserved it 23 481

By help me - 01/06/2014 15:51 - United States - West Hartford

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 725

You deserved it 9 906

By Tali - 28/07/2011 06:18 - Australia

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 607

You deserved it 3 318

Classic Dave

By Sarahir - 29/04/2020 05:00

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my husband masturbating into the kitchen sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 001

You deserved it 342

By monsterinlaw - 21/01/2014 06:25 - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that even after three years, my boyfriend's mother replies, "Unfortunately" when asked if we are still together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 508

You deserved it 4 128

By moodyreallyrocks - 01/11/2011 16:18 - United States

Today, my friend took me and a bunch of other guys out to a nice dinner. This was his way to say thank you for helping him move to a new apartment. He got the cheque, excused himself to go to the restroom and never came back to pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 170

You deserved it 2 865

By Anonymous - 04/05/2014 18:57 - United States

Today, I met up with my group for class. We were doing some final checks on the project we've been working on all semester, when I realized something about one guy's work seemed off. I googled it and found out it's almost completely plagiarized. It's all due in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 136

You deserved it 4 043

By Anonymous - 24/07/2017 07:00 - United States - Warren

Today, while having a bad dream, I went to punch a bully in the face. Mid-swing I wake up and punch the solid concrete wall to my basement bedroom FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 208

You deserved it 622

By Anonymous - 18/08/2019 06:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he finished before me. I thought that he was going to try and get hard again so we could continue. Unfortunately, he turned to me and said to me, "Don't worry, I'll re-spawn in a few minutes." I lost it completely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 827

You deserved it 460

By Speechless - 18/03/2015 08:37 - United States - San Luis Obispo

Today, during an exam, the guy next to me tried to cheat by looking at my test but was caught by the proctor. His defense was that no one would ever cheat off me. The proctor agreed and allowed him to finish the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 464

You deserved it 6 277

By Anonymous - 18/04/2019 00:00

Today, my bird learned how to mimic the fire alarm after my dad has been testing them for the last few months. He now enjoys sounding like a fire alarm anytime I turn the lights off with the other bird joining in. They live in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 944

You deserved it 257

By Noname - 09/03/2009 17:04 - Canada

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. He seemed to be enjoying it, his penis "came out". My boyfriend was walking by and said "at least you turn someone on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 076

You deserved it 8 642

By Anonymous - 27/07/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, my neighbors were busted for a meth lab in their garage. Yesterday, I signed the mortgage. Welcome to our new neighborhood, kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 002

You deserved it 3 960

By Anonymous - 28/05/2017 19:00 - United States - Higginsville

Today, I was home from college and went to eat at a local mexican place. The manager started yelling at me about an unpaid tab. Apparently, my dad likes to drink there and skipped on his tab. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 615

You deserved it 284

By Anonymous - 04/07/2015 08:55 - United States - Hood River

Today, one of my friends asked me to flirt with her boyfriend to see if he would flirt back. Knowing this was a trust test, I agreed. She got pissed at me when he flirted back and still isn't speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 908

You deserved it 5 207

By good-samaritan-fail - 06/10/2009 15:56 - Australia

Today, I was at a music festival when a group of idiots decided to push over a port-a-loo (portable toilet). I rushed over and tried to hold it up to save the person inside from a very messy and embarrasing scene. Not only did the door open, covering me in excrement, but there was no-one inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 091

You deserved it 9 403

By dck128 - 29/08/2011 22:05 - United States

Today, I was fired because a 10-year-old shat his pants and couldn't follow directions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 547

You deserved it 3 051

By brotheritachi - 13/06/2017 16:00

Today, it was my first driving lesson. I was so bad, the police stopped me and accused me of being drunk, because I almost crashed into the pole in front of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 424

You deserved it 919

Crack wars

By Grimmy - 17/03/2016 08:12 - United States - Brunswick

Today, after asking my hubby for what seems the millionth time to stop shoving his finger into my bum crack, I thought it would be funny to give him a taste of his own medicine by doing it to him. Right as my finger was in his crack, he let loose a huge fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 585

You deserved it 9 680

By gold3nshow3r - 09/03/2017 20:00 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I woke up to a strange wetness covering my body. My drunk roommate's urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 508

You deserved it 419

By MoveOn! - 25/01/2017 20:00

Today, and at every family event, my parents and grandparents go on and on about my ex and how much they miss him and wish I would get back with him. This would be fine, rude, but fine, except that they tell this to my husband. It's been years and we're expecting our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 117

You deserved it 284

By Charles - 21/06/2011 16:59 - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer browsing various websites. In my attempt to scoot the chair forward, I hit my knee against the desk that my computer was on, and ended up breaking it. I literally broke my knee sitting on my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 462

You deserved it 8 258

By kelsjenks - 27/07/2011 13:50 - Canada

Today, some ballbag broke into my house just to take my broom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 625

You deserved it 3 065

By Anonymous - 25/03/2016 21:55 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the cockroach infestation at my house has gotten so bad that I can now tell the difference between male and female cockroaches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 563

You deserved it 4 289

By Anonymous - 08/09/2012 17:26 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I decided to use hand sanitizer to mask the smell of my armpits at work. Not only did it intensify the stench, my boss thinks I have a drinking problem, because I vaguely smelled of alcohol. I was too embarrassed to explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 958

You deserved it 24 557

By ApparentlyIFail - 20/11/2009 09:30 - France

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me so she could "let her life flow in the direction she wants." Apparently that includes smoking, stealing and making out with other girls at parties. The best part? She wants to get back together "after she matures and gets it out of her system." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 671

You deserved it 3 190

By werewolfoflondon - 03/11/2010 02:16 - Canada

Today, I got fired over MSN. I wasn't even online at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 527

You deserved it 2 870

By Anonymous - 02/12/2011 06:36 - United States

Today, I received a few new fish for my aquarium as presents for my birthday. It just so happened that these fish were carrying diseases that left me with a tank full of dead fish. Happy birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 701

You deserved it 2 913

By highleyj - 01/04/2009 08:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I ran to a public bathroom because of explosive diarrhea. In the middle of it, I noticed there was no more toilet paper nor paper towels remaining. The smallest bill in my wallet was a 5. I had to pay 10 dollars to wipe my own butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 098

You deserved it 19 884

By forkmylife - 19/05/2011 22:57 - United States

Today, my school is having a mandatory class on etiquette. We've just now progressed onto forks after a long, tedious discussion on spoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 120

You deserved it 4 395

By FastFoodWaiter - 03/09/2012 23:43 - United States - Saukville

Today, a woman came up to me at work and screamed at me for "taking forever" to come and wait at her table. I work at Wendy's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 255

You deserved it 1 936

By Anonymous - 27/05/2012 14:19 - Australia - Sydney

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were acting out a kinky scenario at home, where we'd met in a club and were having a one night stand. We ended up getting into a real argument about an imaginary girl in the club. I didn't have sex and we haven't spoken since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 976

You deserved it 35 765

Frustrating!

By horny I’m so horny - 15/04/2021 17:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, we’ve been unable to have sex for months due to my boyfriend’s health issues. I would never EVER cheat on him; however my unconscious mind has other ideas. I’ve dreamt of kinky sex with everyone from the maintenance man to gettin' freaky with detective Stabler. I’m so horny I’m gonna burst. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 302

You deserved it 237

By NotTellingYouMyName - 28/11/2013 06:26 - United States - South Salem

Today, with my name sounding vaguely like 'Turkey' and being in the phonebook for business purposes, people keep calling, offering to stuff me for Thanksgiving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 727

You deserved it 3 603

By EpicFail - 11/01/2009 20:59 - United States

Today, a woman at the crowded mall stopped me and told me loudly that if I bought her product it would get rid of my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 804

You deserved it 2 345

Second opinion, please

By fishyrael - 25/08/2021 22:01 - United States - East Lansing

Today, I went to a new doctor for an injury. Instead, the doctor only focused on my weight and tried to basically prescribe me anorexia. She tried to tell me that 750 calories a day was fine and brushed off my exercise regimen as, "Exercise is great, but you'll lose weight faster if there are no calories to burn." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 115

You deserved it 140

By Anonymous - 18/12/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, I was at the airport about to leave for my business trip. In the restroom, I put my purse on the edge of the sink and got my lipstick out. I leaned closer to apply my lipstick and my open purse fell into the sink, triggering the automatic faucet, filling my purse with water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 708

You deserved it 9 971

By Mateo - 14/12/2008 03:58 - France

Spicy

Today, I surprise my girlfriend by turning up at her flat on her twenty-fourth birthday. She gets up from the couch as I enter and I shout: "Tonight, my cock is going to stab you twenty-four times!" (Okay, that's not smart). That's when her father glances over from the couch and greets me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 754

You deserved it 67 299

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Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:30

He waited for your dad yo arrive? He seem to be into you.

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Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:38

He stayed there the whole time you were waiting for your dad to arrive? Not too realistic there, OP.

Comments

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Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:30

He waited for your dad yo arrive? He seem to be into you.

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Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:35

You are an april FOOL.

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Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:38

He stayed there the whole time you were waiting for your dad to arrive? Not too realistic there, OP.

219gbh 0

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Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:54

Agree with #3 and YDI for being a fool on April Fool's

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Wednesday 1 April 2009 12:55

you should've asked if you could hang out in his back seat til your dad got there

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Wednesday 1 April 2009 13:08

Yes, I agree with some of the other comments. Meh, that guy actually stayed with you that whole time? Did you not speak at all? I can not picture this realistically. Unless, that guy was really in to you, then this seems a little fishy fishy to me, =/ uhohz.

Jaxro 6

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Wednesday 1 April 2009 13:13

Maybe they lived close by to the gas station, or the guy had a double tanks on his vehicle. My truck has double tanks and I takes a while to fill.

bitchplease69_fml 0

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Wednesday 1 April 2009 14:05

FUCK WAS GAY.

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Wednesday 1 April 2009 14:31

#5, damn right she should have.

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Wednesday 1 April 2009 14:32

maybe he laughed during the whole phone call and she didn't word it right; i'm sick of people being so quick to try to come up with loopholes for why stories are fake... even if they are, they're still entertaining

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 14

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 694

You deserved it 53

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 401

You deserved it 252