Miscellaneous: Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation...

By Anonymous - 16/02/2012 01:54 - United States

Today, I started speaking gibberish in the middle of the conversation with my mom to see if she would notice. She didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 027

You deserved it 3 095

Miscellaneous

BO Central

Mama's boy

8 out 10 dentists

Give it your best shot

By Staywidowed - 08/04/2021 23:00

Today, marks almost two years of being sexually inactive after being widowed. It also happened to be the day I made an uncharacteristic decision. I hooked up with a male friend. I'm so out of practice, I honestly believe round-two the next morning was out of pity more than actual interest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 179

By haley - 16/11/2018 14:00

Today, while in a parking lot, I accidentally cut someone off out of pure nervousness as I'm a new driver. I got out of my car to apologize, and they responded by beating me and my car to a pulp with a baseball bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 453

You deserved it 431

By Peter C. - 22/01/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, my friends and I were messing around with an app on my phone that makes your picture look fat. My picture looked the same before and after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 170

You deserved it 10 385

By smoothies14 - 06/11/2015 17:29 - United States - Weatherford

Today, I was studying on a bench outside my dorm when the leg snapped. I decided to do the right thing and let administration know what happened. After assuring me it wasn't my fault, and having me fill out an incident report, they billed me $400. I can't enroll for next semester until I pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 352

You deserved it 2 417

Wasting away

By Anonymous - 13/09/2021 19:59 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I keep trying to use the Meetup app to meet people, but life keeps trolling me, and every event I even attempt to join (all virtual so far) has been met with no social interaction. It feels like life keeps hammering in the idea that I should just sit in my room and atrophy away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 89

By how the fuck did this happen?! - 11/09/2018 04:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I found out that even after having had my tubes tied, I am in fact pregnant. I have an 8-month-old son and his father just remarried another woman 2 months ago. Neither of them believe that the new baby is his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 147

You deserved it 398

By Chels - 18/08/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, the ex I still have feelings for made a post on Facebook announcing her two month anniversary with her boyfriend. She broke up with me less than two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 839

You deserved it 3 096

Weird projection, but OK

By just realized - 16/09/2020 23:03 - United States

Today, I realized that when someone's pregnant or introduces me to their kids, they're saying, "I had sex with this person" and now I can’t stop visualizing it. Keep me out of your personal life, Tom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 454

You deserved it 1 270

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 00:25 - United States

Today, as I put my 4 year old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 054

You deserved it 9 170

By pandasbear - 26/05/2010 08:18 - United States

Today, I went on a first date wearing a new hair color. It was Interior Latex Slate Speckled Grey, from accidentally leaning my head against a wall while house painting earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 804

You deserved it 14 171

By kdubz23 - 17/02/2014 22:41 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the parent of a student called to ask me about a homework assignment. At the end of the call, she told me that I seem to be losing my "Asian accent" from when she first talked to me in the summer. I was born in the US, grew up in NJ and speak perfect English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 817

You deserved it 3 370

By convict possibly - 26/05/2017 18:00

Today, I got to try on a stunning suit that made me the handsomest man in the world. Upcoming prom? No. Wedding? No. I attended a date... A court date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 344

You deserved it 2 045

By youmakemesick - 12/11/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 4 years. Her response? First, she threw up all over me and then she started crying hysterically. I'll take that as a no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 502

You deserved it 2 731

By liveviathetredmill - 01/10/2012 20:04 - United States - New York

Today, I realized that every targeted advertisement on my Facebook involves gym memberships and diet pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 944

You deserved it 5 053

By stdpositivenow - 18/10/2011 14:16 - United States

Today, for our 3rd anniversary, I gave my boyfriend a watch, courtesy of Rolex. He gave me herpes, courtesy of his other girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 601

You deserved it 5 088

By _schaden_freude - 27/12/2015 17:31 - United Kingdom - Ashford

Today, my boyfriend's dad came onto me. I was shocked and awkwardly tried to exit the situation. My boyfriend then sprang out and started shouting at me. Apparently, it was a "test" to see if I would still be attracted to him in 30 years. I failed. What. The. Fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 311

You deserved it 1 815

Doing it on the company dime

By Anonymous - 13/11/2021 17:00

Today, at work, I hooked up with a gorgeous customer in a storage shed. Somehow all my coworkers knew within five minutes, so there’s that, but my direct manager now won’t even look at me because apparently he fancied me himself, but didn’t realise I was a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 409

You deserved it 1 193

By Highnapple - 04/03/2015 07:55 - Canada - Sarnia

Today, my boyfriend was pleasuring me with his hands. After two years of being together, he was finally about to make me orgasm for the first time by himself. Just as I was reaching my peak, he orgasmed at the thought of finishing me off and stopped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 852

You deserved it 4 489

By Gross... - 16/08/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 545

You deserved it 3 257

By itscalledaphonecontractretards - 09/08/2016 17:54 - United States

Today, I'm so broke, I resorted to breaking into my old apartment complex to do my laundry in the basement for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 508

You deserved it 1 743

By imscrewed - 11/04/2013 07:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I realized that my Twitter profile was very public when my business professor made fun of student tweets in class. My tweet went, "Totally bullshitting this business report" about the report I had just handed in, worth a large portion of my grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 190

You deserved it 85 815

By Anonymous - 13/11/2008 08:42 - France

Today, my boss said to me: 'You know, our competitors are also hiring!' FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 244

You deserved it 3 031

By MADfml - 26/02/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, I went to my crushes Mardi Gras party. He was handing out beads to all the girls at the party that flashed him. When he came around to me he stopped and said "I will give you these beads NOT to flash me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 519

You deserved it 5 187

By missingcharlie - 17/08/2009 02:45 - United States

Today, in the middle of having sex with my boyfriend, instead of saying something sexy, he decided to tell me that the bowling alley had a new air hockey table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 030

You deserved it 5 673

By Luke - 07/11/2011 14:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that if you are being mugged, never tell your mugger you are going to call the police because he will come back and steal your phone too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 343

You deserved it 36 306

By BurnBabyBurn - 22/02/2017 10:00 - United States - Roberta

Today, after stopping to pick up dinner at a fast food joint, I got a nosebleed. I immediately reached into the bag to grab napkins and began stuffing them up my nose, only to find out too late that a mustard packet had burst in the bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 633

You deserved it 601

By well great. - 17/05/2013 22:28 - United States - Pascagoula

Today, my friend told me she'd lost her notebook filled with crucial notes for our finals. She asked if she could borrow mine and copy my notes. She then lost my notebook too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 039

You deserved it 11 896

By Patrick - 14/10/2012 04:39 - United States - Sulphur

Today, I brought my new puppy home. I saw her sniffing around, so I took her outside to do her business. She simply played in the grass for ten minutes, so I brought her in. She walked in the door, squatted, and shit. She has diarrhea. This is the fourth time today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 485

You deserved it 4 030

Demonic attack!

By zombie mommy - 27/06/2020 17:02

Today, my 10-month-old kept me up all night after a gruelling day. I finally fell asleep with her at about 2 a.m., and I woke up half an hour later to her hands on my throat, and her biting my nose. Startled, I took a big breath through my nose and snorted an ungodly amount of slobber. I’m awake now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 385

You deserved it 209

By thisguy - 24/02/2012 01:54 - Canada

Today, I was so busy checking my phone for live bus arrival times I didn't notice the bus pull up, let the people beside me on and drive away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 349

You deserved it 43 088

By Anonymous - 16/03/2013 17:31 - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 874

You deserved it 2 559

By Azure_Mist - 27/01/2011 22:53 - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers from my boyfriend, which is something he's never done before. Unfortunately, this was his way of apologizing for cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 217

You deserved it 3 120

By sadgirl - 10/06/2013 18:14 - United States - Conway

Today, my grandpa pointed me out to one of his friends, saying, "Yeah, she's the ugly one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 260

You deserved it 4 361

It's just me

By Anonymous - 20/02/2020 01:00

Today, I stopped by my elderly mother’s house to drop off some groceries. I decided to clean the place while I was there, just to be nice. In true Three Bears fashion, I fell asleep on the couch. I was awoken by a police officer pointing his gun at me. My mom woke up and thought I was a burglar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 022

You deserved it 306

You're back!

By Anonymous - 05/04/2011 00:17 - Ireland

Today, I heard that one of our customers had passed away. Saddened, I told everyone who came into our shop about his death. Understandably, some customers got very upset and one even fainted. Suddenly, the "dead" man walked into the shop. Turns out I got the name wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 161

You deserved it 42 114

Breaking Badly

By Anonymous - 31/05/2020 20:00

Today, it was my first day as a pharm tech. Two hours into my shift, I came down with awful food poisoning, causing me to go to the restroom multiple times before eventually leaving. I'd filled multiple controlled substances today and can't help but think my coworkers are thinking I'm a drug addict. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 402

You deserved it 102

By Pimp Daddy - 30/04/2017 20:00

Today, my husband put "sexual favors" on the memo line for my contractor's check. His wife saw it and he had to quit mid-job. I'm stuck with a half-finished house and my husband thinks it's funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 484

You deserved it 521

In vain

By Anonymous - 05/02/2021 08:01 - Germany - Teningen

Today, I found out that I chose a wrong class and my 30-page paper worth 10 credit points that I wrote for that class is basically worthless now, and my graduation might be postponed another semester just because of that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 583

You deserved it 507

BO Central

By jess - 16/12/2020 06:02 - United States - Denver

Today, I was loudly asked if I'd rubbed poop all over myself this morning. I shower three times a day, brush my teeth for 10 minutes twice a day, and wear copious amounts of antiperspirant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 584

You deserved it 1 644

By SOdamnNervous - 29/08/2009 18:06 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on the importance of dental hygiene. I got really nervous, so I did what I've heard in movies. I pictured everyone naked, began staring at a hot blonde in the front, and got hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 547

You deserved it 53 048

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DontClickOnMe 28

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Thursday 16 February 2012 8:45

Lol, I guess she doesn't care about what you have to say. Or maybe you just always sound like that to her. Kinda like the teachers on Charlie Brown.

MrsPegg 45

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Thursday 16 February 2012 8:42

OP, this is a window for great opportunities. Use her lack of attention to your advantage!

MrsPegg 45

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Thursday 16 February 2012 8:42

OP, this is a window for great opportunities. Use her lack of attention to your advantage!

A100893 30

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Thursday 16 February 2012 8:48

Yeah, ask if you can have your own car or something. She'll notice when the bill comes.

arttyruiz 7

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Thursday 16 February 2012 10:09

Maybe the OP, never has interesting things to say.

evilscorpi 29

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Thursday 16 February 2012 14:13

its ok we did that with our teacher once.

Jakesterk96 8

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Thursday 16 February 2012 14:49

Lol, did she keep nodding her head like she was understanding what you were saying.

bonnie789 1

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Thursday 16 February 2012 16:25

I read this fml my life to my boyfriend, and then started speaking gibberish. He heard neither. ...

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Thursday 16 February 2012 18:20

Kdkdjdndbdlsjasjdjjdkskdn *crosses fingers* I hope someone notice..

SaMmIMonster96 6

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Thursday 16 February 2012 21:15

Yay! I noticed 35 :D

wryguy2765 8

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Friday 13 September 2013 4:12

How did this get down voted?

DontClickOnMe 28

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Thursday 16 February 2012 8:45

Lol, I guess she doesn't care about what you have to say. Or maybe you just always sound like that to her. Kinda like the teachers on Charlie Brown.

mattorama 15

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Thursday 16 February 2012 17:12

OR maybe OP just babbles a lot.

JukeboxValkyrie 19

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Thursday 16 February 2012 8:47

Perhaps she would notice if you tried with a touch of tourettes, just start screaming random things.

thefaced 0

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Thursday 16 February 2012 12:31

VAGINAAAA!!!!!!

cyK0tek 0

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Thursday 16 February 2012 19:28

You sir, are a..VAGINNAA!! xD

BostonBruinsFan 8

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Friday 17 February 2012 4:10

You, very attractive, nice, cute, FUCKING lady, are a DIRTY WHORE!!! *smiles and mouths "Your Welcome"*

TorturedXeno 27

Thursday 16 February 2012 8:47

OP's gonna make a great orator.

YaboyVinnie 21

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Thursday 16 February 2012 8:48

Tape a conversation with "School blabla I bet you'll buy me an ehm yeah well, brand new sports car" "Uhuh, uhuh"

Goatinsfriend 8

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Thursday 16 February 2012 8:53

I have a feeling she wasn't paying attention at all, though. My mother would do the same, don't worry.

floopyflooper 2

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Thursday 16 February 2012 8:53

I totally have to try this one day! Haha.

Enslaved 36

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Thursday 16 February 2012 8:57

Maybe she did notice but didn't think your conversation was important enough to dissect its meaning.

BostonBruinsFan 8

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Friday 17 February 2012 4:12

Is your pussy eyein YOUR pussy? Enslaved?

twaumat 28

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Thursday 16 February 2012 8:58

YDI for talking gibberish.

FruityLoooons 8

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Thursday 16 February 2012 9:55

No, son. You've completely missed the point.

ninjuh_wingman 29

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Thursday 16 February 2012 9:00

She probably did what lots of people do when they dont want to pay attention to someone. Just nod your head and go mmhmm.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 581

You deserved it 75

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 679

You deserved it 143

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