Today, I spent some time in a sun-bed to prepare myself for a... - FML

By Aiaiii - 3/6/2010 07:55 - Germany

Today, I spent some time in a sun-bed to prepare myself for a very special reunion with my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in 6 months. I hope he likes crispy red butt-cheeks, and I wonder whether they will start peeling before or after he returns. FML

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Proactive

Billy no-mates

Basic Instinct

By harshdoobie - 18/1/2012 15:18 - Canada

Today, while looking in the mirror at my full-blown grease-spewing acne-riddled face, my father came up behind me and said, "Don't worry son, I had acne like that when I was your age". I replied, "No you didn't", and his immediate response while laughing was, "No, I didn't." FML

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By Goblin Girl - 1/8/2012 05:46 - United States - Katy

Today, a coworker informed me that she thinks I may be descended from a race of goblins, because of my squat stature, ugly face and hairy arms. She was being completely serious. FML

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By JackOLantern - 13/7/2009 20:16 - Satellite Provider

Today, I proposed to a girl I'd been in love with for 6 years. I filled the balcony of the building where I'd first laid eyes on her with innumerable roses and, under the starlit sky, I did it. She later posted on facebook 'OMG. This geek I knew from high school did the FUNNIEST thing today'. FML

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By Fluory - 7/12/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I chose to date him. After going on for five minutes about how unique and funny he is, I ask him the same question. His reply? "You were the first person to ask me out." He then rolled over and fell asleep. FML

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By hotelbound - 21/5/2013 00:37 - United States - Florissant

Today, my house was damaged by a tornado. I called my mother to see if I could stay with her for a few days. Her response? "I warned you not to move in with a man. This is God's way of punishing you." I've been married to said man for almost a year now. FML

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By Distracted - 9/4/2015 20:11 - United States - Greenfield

Today, I was driving and someone was following me across the city and wouldn't let up, so I drove past my house, thinking it was a stalker. Eventually I lost them on the highway. It wasn't until I'd gotten back home that I remembered that my 'stalker' was a coworker I'd invited over for lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2015 11:46 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I walked in on my sister shoving her vibrating phone into her privates. Can't erase that image. FML

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By NOKHAN - 25/10/2013 17:17 - United States - Durham

Today, my boyfriend and I watched Star Trek Into Darkness together. He liked it so much that he's now chosen to yell "KHAAANNNNN!" as he cums. FML

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By Lazyuser2849 - 1/6/2016 05:02 - United States - Arlington

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. To this, she said, "You need to meet more people."FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2012 19:18 - United Kingdom - Eynsham

Today, I attempted to wax my "lady area". It hurt more than losing my virginity. FML

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By whateven333 - 18/2/2015 04:02 - United States - Gibsonia

Today, I told my cousin that I would gladly help him through the loss of my aunt. That is until he started flirting with me. FML

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By jessye1182 - 11/5/2012 23:16 - United States - Yaphank

Today, I was babysitting, playing hide and go seek. I tried to jump behind the armchair, but it tipped, and I hit my head into the wind chimes, ripped the curtain rod from the wall, and smashed my knee into the wall. I lay on the ground in agonizing pain as the little girl shouted, "I know where you are!" FML

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By Unlucky - 4/9/2018 14:30

Today, I received a bill from PayPal stating I owe $350 for an account that's linked to an email that I haven't used since 2015. I can't get into the account because someone hacked it and changed the password and security questions. Customer support is no help because I have no info about it. FML

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By "Growlithe1395" - 11/3/2017 16:00

Today, I finally got my hands on a Nintendo Switch. While unboxing it, I left the room to get a pair of scissors. When I came back, most of the box contents were missing and my little brother was standing there. It has been about 5 hours and I still haven't been able to find anything. FML

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By RUFckingSrs - 22/12/2015 02:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friends and I were going to Applebee's. A girl we don't like invited herself along. She waited for my friend outside of the bathroom, forced her to drive her, and said, "It's okay someone will pay for me." She then ate off of everyone's plate and left before the bill came. FML

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By NowHomeless - 31/8/2010 23:13 - United States

Today, my roommate woke me up during afternoon nap to tell me that I need to move out. His reason: "Our political differences will likely escalate to violence." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2014 22:59 - United States - Dallas

Today, I asked my girlfriend's dad for permission to take her hand in marriage. He said no, because he doesn't want her marrying a "sexist idiot who treats her like property", which he thinks asking permission amounts to, then told me to grow up. FML

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By sudoku_fiend - 13/12/2015 04:40 - United States - Millville

Today, I discovered that I've spent so much time playing Sudoku in the bathroom at work that I've trained myself to need to pee whenever I open the app. FML

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By anonymous - 11/3/2010 19:55 - United States

Today, I found out that my art project, the one I've been working on for the last two weeks and the first piece I felt really comfortable about turning in, was stolen out of the art cupboard. FML

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By NotTellingYouMyName - 28/11/2013 06:26 - United States - South Salem

Today, with my name sounding vaguely like 'Turkey' and being in the phonebook for business purposes, people keep calling, offering to stuff me for Thanksgiving. FML

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By Not Wanted - 7/9/2014 01:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I'm moving out of the house. My little sister can't wait and I've never seen my dad so happy. FML

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By lovesucks - 1/9/2009 12:52 - Australia

Today, I finally got the courage to go up and ask out the girl I have loved for a couple of months now. After she said yes, I was over the moon and ran home to tell my roommate. The next day, I saw her making out with another man. When I confronted her, she said "Oh, you were serious yesterday?" FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2013 13:32 - United States - San Leandro

Today, I had to share my room with my cousin while she stayed over. I let her take my bed while I slept on the floor. Not only do my back and neck hurt, but I had to clean vomit out of my hair. Apparently, she "wasn't feeling well" last night. FML

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By SoulStormIV - 12/5/2016 03:03 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I thought it would be nice to take my obese dog for a walk, since she hasn't had one in a long time. She was doing great, until we were about a mile from our house. She plopped down on the ground and wouldn't move. Nobody was home so I had to carry her all the way back to our house. FML

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By Ima in Hungary - 22/3/2012 12:06 - United States - Silsbee

Today, my boyfriend drove to my house to break up with me. He only did so after I'd vacuumed the whole house to compensate for his cat allergies. I thought he was just coming to dinner. FML

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By stillhurting - 5/1/2014 21:45 - Canada - Langley

Today, I was at a baby shower with my wife. I went to go outside for some fresh air, but walked straight into their glass sliding door. Everyone stared at me. I smiled with embarrassment and walked back over to my wife, only to trip over my own feet and faceplant the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2015 01:43 - United States - Richmond

Today, as a volunteer tutor, I met up with a girl who needed help with calculus. When I introduced myself, she wrinkled up her face and said, "I'd hoped you'd be hotter." FML

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By steven - 24/6/2009 15:33 - Canada

Today, my friend said he'd give me 20 bucks if I would ask out the ugliest girl in school. I did it. She rejected me. FML

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By seriously?? - 4/2/2009 16:06 - United States

Today, I was running to the bus stop to catch the bus. The bus driver smiled, waved, and drove away without letting me get on. FML

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By HM - 16/4/2015 13:10 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I invited a guy I've been crushing on for ages to my house, and I really wanted to make a good impression. We were sitting in the living room having drinks when my cat came in, dragging a pair of my dirty underwear and dropped them right in front of us. FML

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By meikd423 - 10/9/2010 16:36 - France

Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, with only a Santa hat on. FML

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By kdmoney - 23/9/2011 06:16 - United States

Today, my mother said I am slipping too deep into depression since my boyfriend left for college in Fresno. Her solution: buying me a vibrator. FML

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By Jack - 26/10/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I was in minding my own business in bed in my dorm room. It was dark and my roommate came over, intending to slap my ass really hard. The problem is, I was lying face up. FML

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By Tgreject - 16/8/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, I was planning on asking out a girl I've been really close to for a few months now. I was with her when I got a forward text from my friend. It was from the girl and it said "noooo tell him not to ask me out I don't like him." I got rejected via forward text before I told her how I felt. FML

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By Jessie - 25/12/2010 13:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in our room getting hot and heavy. As he was entering me, he started making electronic whirring sounds. Once inside, he said in a robotic voice, "Initiating launch sequence in 3... 2... 1..." and began thrusting as fast as possible. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 21:20 - United States

Today, stood in line for hours to see the new Harry Potter. Unfortunately, once inside the theater, I was stuck in the bathroom with the runs for the entire length of the movie. FML

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By "QueenCortana Tiffany Turner" - 7/2/2020 14:00

Temper tantrum

Today, the cops were called to my apartment because my daughter had a temper tantrum while I was at work. She was naked when they were there. FML

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By jack - 15/6/2016 09:56 - France - Ajaccio

Today, I invited the girl I like out for a meal. She replied, “Sorry, I already have plans”. I asked her what they were. “I don’t know yet, but I’ll think of something.” FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2020 23:10

Great guy

Today, my husband has been super happy for the last 11 weeks, as he's been able to tell me what to do, when to do it and how to do it. Now I'm allowed to start work again, he's gone back to being super shitty. FML

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By Mewsmash - 1/1/2016 16:23 - United States - Dublin

Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML

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Top comments

By lettertjes | 0

#1017664 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:16

Yeah. If you lie too long in a sun-bed, you can get sunburn. If you didn't know that, you're probably not old enough to show your butt to your boyfriend.

By margxoxo | 0

#1017657 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:14

should have got out earlier.. you shouldn't risk cancer though. fyl.

COMMENTS

By kormon | 0

#1017655 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:13

thats really got to suck but u ahoulda notticed

Reply

wreckem881 | 0

#1017775 - Thursday 3 June 2010 17:26

I suspect you also have chick cancer

Reply

autumn16 | 0

#1018235 - Thursday 3 June 2010 23:57

WTF?

Reply

Day_Dreams | 0

#1018483 - Friday 4 June 2010 3:23

31 are you not right in the head?

Reply

jweezy89 | 4

#1021390 - Sunday 6 June 2010 10:37

Why is that offensive?

By margxoxo | 0

#1017657 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:14

should have got out earlier.. you shouldn't risk cancer though. fyl.

Reply

Kimberly_Isabel | 7

#1017671 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:18

She was at a sun-bed. That's different from normal sun tanning.

@OP, next time stick with regular sun tanning.

Reply

littlemissdqgirl | 8

#1017825 - Thursday 3 June 2010 18:14

Lol Theres so much to learn on fml

Reply

wreckem881 | 0

#1017873 - Thursday 3 June 2010 18:57

what a horrible venue to post such unneeded information ... you motherfucker.

I went a little far there

Reply

littlemissdqgirl | 8

#1017879 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:08

^makes me glad that I don't use a tanning bed

Reply

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1017897 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:18

Not disagreeing with you about the risks, but most of what you posted applies to regular tanning. A regular tanner, although quite stupid in their own right, would be well-aware of the possible buttburn and would probably tan accordingly.

Reply

1d1r1a1g1o1n | 0

#1018089 - Thursday 3 June 2010 21:22

Holy shit....and nice pic btw

Reply

xaqori | 0

#1018193 - Thursday 3 June 2010 23:04

i know, right?

By LeeIsAwesome | 0

#1017658 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:15

lmao that's funny.

By buggybeauty | 0

#1017661 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:15

ydi. you're going to get skin cancer on your ass.

By lettertjes | 0

#1017664 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:16

Yeah. If you lie too long in a sun-bed, you can get sunburn. If you didn't know that, you're probably not old enough to show your butt to your boyfriend.

Reply

kybabyy | 4

#1017857 - Thursday 3 June 2010 18:38

win

Reply

autumn16 | 0

#1018239 - Friday 4 June 2010 0:00

yer very pretty (:

Reply

jazzyjada10 | 6

#2909446 - Sunday 17 July 2011 1:20

82 made me laugh

By meneedlove | 0

#1017668 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:17

I can just say that you deserved it...nothing more nothing less..

Reply

johndoe1320 | 0

#1017741 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:54

how did she deserve it? she was trying to look a bit better (attractive) for someone worthy of her time.

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TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#1017900 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:20

Because common sense dictates that tanning beds can cause sunburn as well as a tan.

Reply

FyourLIFEdotCOM8 | 0

#1017965 - Thursday 3 June 2010 19:42

plus tanning beds make people look like umpa lumpas because they get addicted and somehow end up orangey. and spray tans make a stripey umpa lumpa.

By Jonkbaby | 19

#1017682 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:21

ydi for having heat-seeking buns

By zomgwtfbbqbagel | 0

#1017684 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:22

Mmmm... crispy red buttcheeks ;D

By Dopeyrox | 0

#1017696 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:29

If he loves you he won't care as long as he gets some action

Reply

xaqori | 0

#1018198 - Thursday 3 June 2010 23:08

if he really loves her, he shouldnt care at all

By bballer32 | 0

#1017705 - Thursday 3 June 2010 16:35

yeah if you don't in a bed regularly you're supposed to go in for 10 minutes only to start. you totally deserve it. and enough about the cancer, you can get cancer from everything now a days.