Miscellaneous: Today, I spent hours cooking an amazing dinner for my family,...

By anon - 06/01/2015 00:15 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I spent hours cooking an amazing dinner for my family, who had just gotten home from a trip, so we could spend some time together because I'd started to miss everyone. When they got home, they saw it all laid out and just took plates to their room, without even telling me they were home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 195

You deserved it 2 488

Miscellaneous

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Desperate

It's not a phase!

By Lucachoo - 21/10/2016 05:16

Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his muscles as my anniversary gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 587

You deserved it 1 978

By Ulysse - 01/01/2009 19:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I have my new iPod Touch, and I'm walking down the street. Since it's really cold, I'm wearing gloves. At some point, I want to change the song, and don't want to remove my gloves. I try changing the song with my nose, for about 3 minutes, until I realize I look really stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 224

You deserved it 37 453

By AsianSensation - 15/12/2014 03:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my new friend tried to introduce me to "American Culture," as I am new to the city. He explained what a hamburger is and how it differs from the Asian food I was used to eating. I moved from Seattle and have worked at Burger King. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 030

You deserved it 2 923

By MakeItMaaco - 11/07/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I saw a Red Tailed Hawk land on my car and spend a few minutes looking at his reflection in the windshield. This was all really neat until I found out he badly scratched my hood with his large talons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 872

You deserved it 3 757

By anna14 - 21/02/2010 19:34 - United States

Today, I learned a little lesson about consequences. Yesterday, I ate a quarter as a dare. Today, I tried to poop it out. It got stuck coming out. I had to go to the doctor and explain everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 129

You deserved it 49 328

By Sandman2015 - 29/01/2016 18:36 - United States - American Fork

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 952

You deserved it 1 884

By jjjjjohn cena - 13/08/2015 01:44 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was woken up to the crushing of my balls after my 5-year-old son thought it would be the best way to wake me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 679

You deserved it 2 158

By squirts - 27/11/2013 04:42

Today, I arrived home after leaving for college in August. My dad figured that the most appropriate way to welcome me back was a loud, piercing fart right when I walked through the front door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 161

You deserved it 5 303

By sarah6786 - 22/01/2013 02:27 - United States - Schenectady

Today, my husband asked me to show him my boob. I began to pull the side of my shirt down when he said, "No, not that one, the big one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 596

You deserved it 4 835

Not a morning person

By Anonymous - 15/07/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I was woken up by the sound of someone in my room. I started freaking out, thinking someone had broken in, so I kicked them, only to realise it was my boyfriend coming back from the toilet. I'd forgotten he was staying over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 498

You deserved it 657

By Oops - 26/09/2011 15:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 847

You deserved it 7 804

By look how totally not racist I am! - 11/07/2014 03:32 - United States - Salida

Today, I was stuck on a campus tour with my subtly racist mother who, in an attempt to seem open-minded, deemed it appropriate to refer to our black tour guide as "Sistah". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 025

You deserved it 3 985

By actor my ass - 21/01/2012 22:44 - Canada

Today, trying to be romantic, I invited my girlfriend over to watch a movie. I said she could pick one up on the way, and I'd pay for it later. I ended up having to suffer through some "movie" that involved nothing but Nicolas Cage gurning like a stroke victim between crappy fight scenes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 274

You deserved it 29 046

By Crunchy - 19/04/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going really well until I noticed a bug on my interviewer's lower neck. I shouted that something really disgusting was crawling on him. It turns out it was his big hairy mole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 415

You deserved it 61 187

Nothing but red flags

By Jullii - 27/08/2021 08:01

Today, my ex of 5 years began dating the girl he told me was, “One of the guys”, “Don’t worry, she’s like a sister to me” and, “I would never see her that way.” We broke up a couple of days ago because my “paranoia” and “assumptions” about her were putting a “strain” on our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 211

You deserved it 130

Keep it down

By Anonymous - 06/02/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I reached climax. While I was screaming, my 4 year-old son came in with his water gun because he thought I was in trouble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 137

You deserved it 59 684

By kumbuck3t15 - 29/07/2012 20:20 - Mexico - Distrito Federal

Today, I decided I need to get a life. I reached this epiphany when I failed to take notice of my friend calling me, until he started calling out my Xbox gamertag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 501

You deserved it 25 812

Don't hate the player…

By Anonymous - 24/11/2020 03:31 - India - Bangalore

Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who insisted that I go with him to his friend's house party to meet people and socialize, as I'm new to the city. When I got there, I realised he had invited two other girls as his date as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 949

You deserved it 134

Todd is fine, and you?

By blind_date - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy who talked about himself in the third person. Seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 860

You deserved it 6 404

By too cool - 01/07/2014 03:59 - United States - Carpentersville

Today, at my grandparent's funeral, we were waiting for the pastor. He was fashionably late because he couldn't find his sunglasses and had gone to buy new ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 307

You deserved it 3 336

LOL AWKS

By Anonymous - 03/06/2019 04:29

Today, I decided to finally tell my name to this really hot guy I had been anonymously chatting with for a couple of weeks. He said he would be fine with whoever I am, and want to go out with me. After sending my name, there was a long, awkward pause, and his last reply to me was, "Oh." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 763

You deserved it 282

Suspicious Minds

By Anonymous - 03/08/2021 16:01

Today, I finally found out why my wife always told me to never visit her at work. You see, my wife and I are dark haired with blue/brown eyes and our daughter is blonde with very striking emerald green eyes. You know who else is blonde with striking emerald eyes? My wife’s boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 570

You deserved it 88

By Anonymous - 10/05/2014 22:11 - Sweden - Lidk?ping

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked in on me sitting on the toilet, singing full volume to my cat as I took a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 334

You deserved it 13 670

By RightInTheFace - 12/09/2015 16:16 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I found out that my girlfriend sleepwalks. Well, I say sleepwalks, more like sleep punches. Very, very hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 493

You deserved it 1 870

By sopissed - 13/06/2012 18:13 - United States - Laurel

Today, I went to take my driver's test, and I did almost everything perfectly. The last thing was to back into a driveway. As I went to put my hand on the passenger seat to look over my shoulder, I got so nervous that I hit my instructor in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 591

You deserved it 3 608

By ChickenBallsPlease - 28/01/2014 11:16 - United Kingdom - King's Lynn

Today, I was eating at a Chinese restaurant, when I stopped the waitress to tell her that even though I am of Chinese heritage, I can't understand a word of Chinese. After an awkward silence, she told me she was actually speaking English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 520

You deserved it 16 589

Best words

By "Kilamo" - 25/01/2020 14:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 897

You deserved it 378

By Anonymous - 19/12/2013 20:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I canceled my Gamefly account. Seems that was the only thing keeping us together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 007

You deserved it 4 386

By whywilson.. - 02/03/2010 01:17 - Canada

Today, I watched Cast Away with my girlfriend after not seeing it for a year. I forgot how sad it was when Wilson "dies" at the end. I cried. My girlfriend told me to man up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 407

You deserved it 25 772

By Muwz - 13/08/2014 04:28 - France - Paris

Today, at the beach, I noticed a plastic bag in the water. I wanted to do something good for a change, help protect the environment and get it out. It wasn't a bag; it was a jellyfish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 453

You deserved it 9 746

By Anonymous - 05/07/2019 02:00

Today, I realized the cute guy in my Spanish class only talks to me so he can steal my answers. He asked if I'd give him the answers for the final as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 536

You deserved it 216

By OnlyAvailableID - 08/02/2015 08:35 - Australia

Today, I had my first threesome. It was me, my wonderful girlfriend, and her shithead cat after he decided my balls were a bag of catnip and just had to play with. Things ended pretty fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 998

You deserved it 3 661

By WTF? - 20/04/2012 00:12 - United States

Today, I found myself humming a Skrillex ditty all day. I'm beginning to wonder if I've had some sort of stroke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 934

You deserved it 5 895

Jealous?

By Jen - 24/01/2021 13:58 - United States

Today, my unborn child's father told me he stood outside of my friend's house for an hour in the snow in the middle of the night because he thought I was with another guy. I was at her house helping with her four kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 010

You deserved it 120

By dinomite - 26/03/2011 12:05

Today, I quit my job after I overheard my boss doing a 'hysterical' impression of me telling her about my dad's heart condition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 610

You deserved it 3 733

By Anonymous - 07/03/2018 09:00 - United States - Stamford

Today, my boss entrusted me with his car to run an errand, as I usually take the bus. I managed to get there and back safely before someone slammed into me while I was re-entering the lot, causing major damage. It was his wife, who thought I was a car thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 782

You deserved it 272

Fundies say the darndest things

By Anonymous - 08/03/2020 02:04 - United States - Houston

Today, I opened a lesson with the phrase, "As we all know, the world is over 4 billion years old." One of my students immediately snorted and said, in all seriousness, that I was wrong, and that the Earth is only 6000 years old. A few of his classmates agreed. I teach geology at university. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 618

You deserved it 213

By juliestrawsky - 05/08/2019 04:00

Today, I was paid to be in a commercial, playing a hiker, camping and grilling by a tent with my pretend boyfriend. To make our on-camera interaction more believable, I suggested to him, "Hey, I'm gonna feed you some food, into your mouth." His answer, "Naaah, I'm good." I got rejected on a FAKE date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 379

You deserved it 548

Gamers care

By Anonymous - 18/08/2021 04:01

Today, I was interacting with someone on a video game, and the topic somehow got switched to mental illness. When I told him about my problems, he was very sympathetic and understanding. A complete stranger cares more about me than my actual family. I'm not sure if I should be happy or crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 032

You deserved it 99

By me - 21/03/2013 10:25 - United Kingdom - Chichester

Today, I finally got to meet my boyfriend's parents; it turns out that his mum is my therapist. I've just spent an entire morning telling her how confused I am about my sexuality. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 843

You deserved it 6 603

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Top comments

fuckyourlifeOP 25

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:18

*OP 10 minutes later, walking past their bedroom* "You're welcome for the fucking meal..."

Zacky_Chan 22

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:12

As revenge don't cook for a week

vreid 20

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:07

I'm sure they appreciated it! They were just homesick and exhausted, hopefully they'll show their appreciation soon OP.

lupin_stargazer 8

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:11

Make them do the dishes.

Duckzy 16

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:51

The worst punishment of them all.

Rinat_fml 26

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 12:07

I actually like doing the dishes... But mom doesn't know though! The perfect punishment.

penel96 15

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:11

They probably were just really tired

VeganVampyre 26

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 13:36

Too tired to even say, "hey, we're home"? I'm sorry, no. There is no reason or excuse for that. No matter how tired or jet lagged they were they still should have had the decency to let OP know they were back, and they could have just said something like "do you mind if we just eat in our rooms, we're really tired, but we'll catch up later!" That wouldn't take too much energy...

bl865ood 17

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 19:46

17 ...it seems like the house was really quiet so they might had assume op wasn't home.

tinyrosie 21

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Wednesday 7 January 2015 1:54

so the magical food fairy laid out all their plates of food on the table? they had to at least assume OP was home..

Zacky_Chan 22

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:12

As revenge don't cook for a week

tepovre 18

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:13

Next time, make an even better meal just for yourself:)

MaryssaJean 13

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:14

Maybe they were just tired from traveling all day. I'm sure they loved it! don't worry op I bet they were very happy to see a nicely cooked meal waiting for them when they got home. :D

fuckyourlifeOP 25

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:18

*OP 10 minutes later, walking past their bedroom* "You're welcome for the fucking meal..."

Miss_A_x0x 12

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Wednesday 7 January 2015 20:06

That's what I would do. I'd be livid if my family was that rude. Poor OP

man_in_black08 28

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:20

A nice meal cooked by you complimented by a nice tv show is something they were looking forward to (: i am sure they loved it!

hopenopedope 13

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:32

Don't take it to heart OP. I'm sure they appreciated a good home cooked meal and were just incredibly jet lagged. :)

MrsPegg 45

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:35

Freakin assholes! "Oh look, a hot, home cooked meal miraculously appeared. I guess no one in particular cooked it, so I'll just grab this plate and go to my room." Uh yeah. OP your family is ridiculous. So sorry you did all that and they couldn't have the common courtesy to say thank you! I personally would hug you if you were my family and did that for me!