Animals: Today, I spent half-an-hour trapped inside my dog's crate. The... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Duns

Today, I spent half-an-hour trapped inside my dog's crate. The door locked behind me as I squeezed myself inside to stroke her. After bellowing at my family in the garden for what felt like an eternity, they came through just to laugh and take pictures. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Good samaritan

The Terminator

By cars hate me - United States - Compton

Today, my car was rear-ended and totaled. Last year, during the same month, my previous car was rear-ended and totaled. I should just stop driving during the month of February. FML

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By PoopTart - United States

Today, I gave my sister a stun gun for her birthday since she recently had a couple "close calls" walking home from work late at night. She was so excited and thankful that she wanted to express her gratitude by shocking me to see if it really worked. FML

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By Un1ucky - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to make breakfast. Since I usually do all the cooking, I said that was fine. Four hours later, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the sidewalk across the street as the firemen sprayed down the burnt remains of our kitchen. FML

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By sad - 1/10/2020 16:06 - United Kingdom

Never trust Facebook

Today, I left a gift on my colleague's desk, with a note saying I liked him. He brought it over and handed it back, and told me he's married. His Facebook says he is single. FML

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By ohno - United States

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

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By monsterdanceman - United States - Ozark

Today, I tried to tackle my fear of heights by riding a rollercoaster. Once we were near the top, it malfunctioned, causing it to stop, and we all had to get out and climb back down. My girlfriend laughed at me for how scared I was. FML

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By MissNoFuture - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he's been having doubts, but he still wants to stay with me. I asked him why he had been so nervous about us and he replied, "I don't know, just thinking about a future with you makes me feel nauseous". We've been together over 2 years now. FML

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By momac86 - United States

Today, I lost a sewing needle in the carpet. No worries, my big toe found it. FML

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By hulagirl1217 - United States

Today, a bee landed on my leg. I didn't realize it was there until my friend yelled out, "Bee!" kicked me in the leg, and ran off. I fell to the ground screaming and clutching my leg. She missed the bee and it still stung me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I work as a cashier, and Iike always I asked the customer paying credit to sign the "sheet" of paper. I recieved a dirty look from one woman who apparently talked to the manager about me, saying I had asked her to sign the "shitty" paper. I have now been warned for "derogatory language." FML

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By sostupid - United States

Today, my friend and I drove three hours to attend a U2 concert. We had been psyched about the tickets for weeks because they were awesome seats (my early Christmas present). After a long drive, we get to the venue and I realize in horror that I left tickets at home, on my desk, three hours away. FML

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By asthma_attacker - United States

Today, I asked a girl I like out. She ended up having an asthma attack because she was laughing so hard. I guess that's a no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had an allergic reaction to my deodorant. My armpits wouldn't stop itching, and by the time my shift was over, they were raw and bloody. FML

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By Nikse - United States

Today, I was at the store with my mother in the facial care section. I found this device that scrubs your face with those anti-bacterial pads. The aisle was crowded and noisy, so I shouted to my mother, "Can I have this vibrator thing?" It went silent. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned what a "pain in the ass" means. I sat down on my patio swing chair, only to discover it was swarming with baby wasps, who stung me all over the butt. Ouch! FML

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By fuck you retail - United States - San Francisco

Today, a girl at my tanning salon was ranting about how expensive it was and how she wished there was a cheaper way to get a tan. I joked, "Like from the sun?" She angrily called me a "sassy bitch", screamed to my boss about me, and then threatened to sue us when he kicked her out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking home from the store when I saw my uncle. I went over and gave him a surprise hug. He grabbed my ass. He wasn't really my uncle. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was stuck behind an elderly man on a one-way street into my university campus. There was no traffic in front of him and we were both going under the speed limit, so I honked my horn at him to speed up. He ended up double-parking in the last two spots. FML

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By MouserMan - Canada - Olds

Today, after emptying the dishwasher, I noticed something in the back by the drain. It looked like a turkey bone. Upon closer inspection, it was a mouse carcass. I have no idea how many loads of dishes have gone through with it in there. FML

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By MailMaster - Australia

Today, my new mailbox key finally arrived. Not at the front door as I requested, but in the mailbox. FML

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By SapphireRaven - United States

Today, I found out that I was denied for work study eligibility by my college. I went to my financial advisor to ask why. It wasn't my grades or attendance. Apparently my father makes too much money for me to get a job at the school. My dad was fired 3 months ago and has been out of work since. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was telling my boyfriend I had fake orgasms all the time to piss him off. He replied: "that's okay, I'm f***ing three other girls." FML

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By Anna - United States - Lake City

Today, I was looking at dating profiles with my single friend, trying to find a guy for her, and we found my husband's profile. FML

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By isoheartcaitlin - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling after getting it on a few times. He holds my face in his hands, looks deep into my eyes and says "I smell chicken." FML

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By honeybunny - United States - Norman

Today, I am 11 weeks pregnant and my husband has taken great glee in the fact that his horrible gas is enough to trigger my morning sickness. We're about to go on a long 12 hour drive. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Albert Park

Today, I was stumbling down the street due to arthritic pain, when I accidentally bumped into a man. He turned and yelled, "Watch it, you clumsy, ugly bitch", to which I apologised and told him about my arthritis. He stared at me in confusion, then said, "Well, you're still ugly", and walked off. FML

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By FailedEngineer - Australia

Today, I lost my house keys while staggering home drunk, so I decided to climb through an opened window and promptly went to bed. Twenty minutes later the police wake me up while attempting to search my place. The neighbors thought I was a burglar and called the cops. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to tan naked in a secluded part of my yard, so I wouldn't get tan lines. I even felt adventurous enough to leave my bikini and towel inside. This idea backfired however when my mom stopped home from work, assumed I wasn't home, and locked all the doors before she left again. FML

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By loser - France

Today, I was at a bar and very drunk. I went to the urinal and when I was done I went to zip up when I realized I never unzipped. FML

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By Travolta

Dancing With The Stares

Today, I was at a party and I danced. Judging by people's stares, I should never ever attempt it again. FML

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By ring-a-ding-ding - United States - Sparks

Today, at work, due to a mix up, I had to call an answering service. I am also from an answering service. We got the problem fixed but I couldn't hang up due to company policy. She couldn't hang up either. We both had to get our supervisors for permission to hang up. FML

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By dumbass - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she lost her phone and not to call or text her. After about three hours, I text her phone, asking if she found it yet. I got a reply, saying "Nope." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, my parents have kept their bet going about not turning the heat on all season. I woke up this morning to it being the same temperature inside as it was outside. It's snowing out there. FML

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By :/ - Canada

Today, I had my buddies over for a few beers and, trying to be cool, I told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen. I felt smug, right up until she said, "Why? Your mom doesn't need to be turned over for another 20 minutes, dick." FML

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By TextsAlot - Canada

Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML

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By sleepingonmydesk - United Kingdom - Longfield

Today, after not being able to sleep for two hours because my boyfriend wouldn't stop talking, he fell asleep and I was left wide awake. I listened to him snore for another three hours and only got a couple of hours sleep. He's not working today, but I am. FML

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By Rachel247 - Israel

Today, we had a hike at my camp. We hiked in a line. I suddenly felt things hitting me at the back of the head. After a few minutes I finally turn around, only to discover a bunch of older guys throwing tampons at my head. They were my tampons, falling one by one out of my unzipped bag. FML

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By Quin

Today, I was running around the track at school PE with a lot of other students. I noticed a guy who smelled really bad and I thought to myself how disgusting that was and I felt bad for him. Later, I was changing and caught a whiff of my shirt. It wasn't him who was smelly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Timing

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob. All of a sudden, she stopped and said, "What's that thing at the back of your throat called?" FML

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Top comments

By dylanger16 | 19

#6296175 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 11:45

Why did you put your whole body into the crate to pet the dog?

By hotshot0185 | 15

#6296174 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 11:45

You would have done the same to them if it had been the other way around.

COMMENTS

By hotshot0185 | 15

#6296174 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 11:45

You would have done the same to them if it had been the other way around.

Reply

RadikulRam | 16

#6296226 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 13:42

I wouldn't. I'd be disappointed that they locked themselves in, but feel bad that they were locked in.

Reply

UnidentifiedFun | 37

#6296324 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 15:55

You're also a blatant liar^ I would laugh my ass off!

Reply

benjamn | 21

#6296336 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 16:11

Agreed,OPS family is awesome.

By dylanger16 | 19

#6296175 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 11:45

Why did you put your whole body into the crate to pet the dog?

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6297651 - Friday 22 May 2015 1:20

Yeah if the dog is that far back in the crate, he/she probably doesn't want to be petted. Just take it out next time

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6296177 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 11:48

Yikes...

By Secret_Ninjaa | 35

#6296178 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 11:48

That's family for ya... Sorry OP! :/

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6296179 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 11:50

Well, if you love your pet enough to squeeze into their cage, who cares if your family laughs at you? The pictures will show what a dedicated owner you are. All you need is love. :)

Reply

mexican_music | 13

#6296205 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 12:36

yeah, a dedicated owner puts them self into their dogs crate with the dog ?

Reply

smokecloud_ | 37

#6296223 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 13:30

Eh, I've done it. Mine had an ear infection last summer and was not a fan of his ear drops, so locking myself in the crate with him made it a little easier. Of course I could get myself out so I'm really curious about the latches on OP's crate.

By SammieIsabella | 15

#6296180 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 11:51

So now you need to find their secret box where they keep that new embarrassing snapshot of you for the Christmas party.

By chill99 | 15

#6296181 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 11:51

Sounds like you had a "ruff" day!

Reply

booze_n_bitches | 35

#6296194 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 12:12

Pun was obvious enough without quotation marks! And so original!

Reply

chill99 | 15

#6296254 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 14:42

Too bad you don't know that quotation marks are correctly used with technical terms, terms used in an unusual way, or other expressions that vary from standard usage. Oh, and you're an "ass", and I don't mean donkey.

By MandyO | 15

#6296183 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 12:01

I was going to say that the crate doesn't seem very safe, because a kid could get trapped in there, but apparently it needs to be adult-proofed too.

By Invictus_Anima | 5

#6296186 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 12:03

Wouldn't you have done the same thing if the situation were flipped? I hope they let you out after they took the pictures though!

By wakemeupplease | 21

#6296190 - Wednesday 20 May 2015 12:05

lol I would laugh too cause it's rediculous why would you do such a thing?!