Today, I slept for the first time with my boyfriend. I'd always... - FML

By lauz - 3/10/2009 12:20 - Australia

Today, I slept for the first time with my boyfriend. I'd always imagined it to be a romantic moment. It turned out that 'Saw 5' was on the TV in the background, and the sex was so fantastically tragic that I ended up watching/listening to it, on the sly. FML

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Age ain't nothing but a number

Honesty is the best policy

Hello everyone!

By Tree - 30/7/2010 11:34 - France

Today, my husband told me "The only reason I stay with you is because it's cheaper than paying child support." FML

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By recmonty - 17/5/2012 03:53 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, in a training class, I got to see a picture of what can happen when a man does not wear a safety harness correctly. For those of you who are unaware, male body parts are easily severed by loose straps. I cannot un-see that picture. It wasn't even a harness safety class. FML

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By anon - 16/3/2015 04:10 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I thought everything went well, until I got a text from him later saying, "Come on mom, she isn't THAT bad." FML

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By owned - 28/4/2009 14:12 - Singapore

Today, I turned 18. My parents gave me a card that read "now that you're 18, it's time for some boozy fun... you can do all the things you did before but legally!" Taped to the inside was my fake id that I "lost" three months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2013 11:42 - United States

Today, while at a concert, I stepped into a restroom to use my nasal spray since my allergies were acting up. Apparently, someone thought that I had been snorting coke in the stall. I was escorted outside and had to wait for the cops until I could explain everything. I missed the headliner. FML

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By whytoday - 14/5/2011 06:50 - United States

Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress my employers with how trustworthy and responsible I am. During the sixty seconds that I went to pee, the two-year-old found a black Sharpie and scribbled all over the wall. Nail polish remover made it ten times worse. FML

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By nikaea - 23/5/2014 22:44 - United States - Everett

Today, some girl's mom gave me a load of abuse for endangering her daughter's health. How? By deleting my Facebook account, which caused her to have a serious panic attack. Apparently she thought we were best friends, and that I was ditching her. I'm confused too. FML

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By franky - 25/3/2013 21:45 - Germany - Brunswick

Today, at a romantic dinner my boyfriend was treating me to, the waiter brought a "Will you marry me?" cake out with candles and sparklers. I probably should have checked that they'd brought it to the right table before dramatically screaming "Yes!" and jumping into my boyfriend's arms. They hadn't. FML

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By (not) fucked - 16/5/2014 16:01 - United States - Kingsville

Today, my girlfriend decided that we won't be having any more sex until I beat her ridiculously high score on Flappy Bird. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2018 03:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my sister put a piece of leather in my homemade beef jerkey to prove a point. I ate it. FML

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By wideeyeddays - 2/2/2016 20:05 - United States - Pasadena

Today, my dad thought it was a great idea to text me and say he decided to put our dog down. I was in the middle of class and still had hours left at school. It's not fun to walk across campus holding back tears. FML

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By lostforwords - 6/8/2011 19:10 - Ireland

Today, I found out that my German wasn't as great as I thought it was. Trying to give directions to some German tourists, I tried to say, "I hope I don't get you lost." Turns out I actually said something closer to, "I hope I don't seduce you." FML

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By ohdearyme - 9/1/2015 12:06 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I found out my boyfriend was on a dating website. He came up as an ideal match for my sister. FML

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By Sam - 2/12/2012 14:05 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my mom and I took my senile grandmother to the mall, since she doesn't get out much. She complained it was hot, then took her clothing off in the middle of the food court. It took us thirty minutes to make her put her shirt back on. FML

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By wallamanut - 14/12/2014 07:50 - United States - Portland

Today, my parents decided to finally kick me out of the house because they've gotten tired of seeing me "sleep around all day and being so lazy" whenever I'm home. I'm currently triple-shifting for 6 days a week. FML

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By dempasi - 6/5/2016 18:51 - United States - Utica

Today, while shopping, I told my wife I'd love some pork chops for dinner. Someone nearby muttered, "That's practically cannibalism, ya fat pig." My wife immediately had a "coughing attack" that sounded suspiciously like it was covering up laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2019 00:01 - United States - Tampa

Bugging out

Today, I'm allergic to not only bug spray, but also mosquitos. I'm staying at a bug-infested lake for 5 days. FML

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By The Soul Of A Damned Queef - 31/1/2015 04:04 - United States - Dublin

Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML

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By dude - 20/1/2009 14:01 - France

Today, I called up my ex girlfriend to ask her if I could come round hers to get my pyjamas back. She replied: "I'm keeping them just in case..." - "In case of what?" - "In case I want to dress up like an asshole". FML

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By anabolic - 27/2/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, my boss said he was giving me a significant raise. After he requested the payroll department to raise my salary they informed him he needed to fill out a one-sheet form. He took my raise away because he didn't want to fill out that sheet. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 07:32 - Australia

Today, a middle-aged woman came into the shoe shop where I work, and asked me to help her put on a pair of boots that were obviously too small. Simultaneously as I knelt down by her feet, she booted me in the face while we tried to get them on. FML

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By Dumbweed - 28/8/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, my mom told me she was getting tired of that smell of marijuana in the house. So I confess and tell her I will never bring it home again. She was talking about my neighbors. FML

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By soso - 13/5/2012 21:26 - Sweden - Bor

Today, my boyfriend of two years logged into my Facebook account and broke up with himself. He is now receiving loads of sympathy, while I'm being accused of lying about it to save my reputation. FML

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By Druggie - 7/2/2017 09:00 - United States - Culver City

Today, after a week of being tired and depressed, I realized my bottles for anti-depressants and muscle relaxants had gotten switched around. FML

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By raynbowsend - 23/4/2009 05:22 - Malaysia

Today, I had an appraisal meeting with the Boss. She raved and gushed and told me what a great job I was doing. Then she said "Well done, Eric". Eric is not my name. She froze, opened a new file and told me my actual appraisal, which was the complete opposite of everything she had just said. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to break up with me. Immediately after we hung up, I started crying hysterically. I thought I dialed my best friend, and as soon as the line picked up, I yelled, "That motherfucker broke up with me!" My now ex-boyfriend replied, "Yeah, I know I did." FML

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By Username - 27/12/2011 08:39

Today, I was told by my mom that I'm a terrible person because I won't help my brother get a girlfriend. He's gay, but won't tell her because he thinks it's hilarious when she yells at me. FML

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By fuckstudentloans - 18/6/2015 23:29 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I ruined a $1,500 laptop with a 69¢ bowl of ramen noodles. FML

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By Nearis - 16/2/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, I received a call from the police about a car accident that I was a witness to. As the only witness who stopped to help, I was remembered by the other cars involved. They're blaming me for the accident. The cops want to talk. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2017 12:00

Today, a guy told me I was hot and that I should give him a chance. When I told him I was straight, he instantly called me a bigot. FML

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By - 29/2/2020 20:00

May be

Today, while I was at my job as senior care, I was in a client's home vacuuming the carpet and found a very used vibrator that belonged to his wife. It wasn't clean. FML

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By minimum wage - 2/4/2012 08:38 - Canada

Today, I walked in on a homeless guy peeing on a turd on the floor of the women's restroom at the park. I'm a janitor for the city. FML

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By asdf - 2/2/2009 18:07 - United States

Today, my mom slept all day. But when she got out of bed for five minutes, she told me I was a worthless piece of shit. Then she went back to bed. FML

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By gnafron - 31/12/2014 11:30 - France - Grenoble

Today, I went outside at 9am in my boxer shorts to get my mail in my garden. I'd put a shoe in the door to keep the door jammed open, but when I ran back, my dog had the shoe in his mouth and all the doors and windows were closed. FML

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By mean mommy - 16/7/2019 12:30

Today, I was hosting a slumber party for my daughter, but I ended it abruptly and demanded that every child be picked up. Several pissed off parents and a sobbing daughter later, I’m the most hated. I made them leave after 2 of the girls bragged about losing their virginity. They’re 12. FML

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By CapitolSouthSux - 19/9/2013 12:54 - United States

Today, a street preacher got on my metro car and gave a long, loud speech about how we sinful, polluted congressional staffers must inform our bosses that choosing a homosexual lifestyle was like trading your soul for soup. We got stuck in a tunnel for thirty minutes. FML

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By MissKitty - 10/3/2017 04:00

Special Snowflake Kitty

Today, I found out why I couldn't properly breathe nor sleep for the past 2 days. I'm allergic to the new kitty litter. This is the special litter I had to buy because my snowflake cat is allergic to all the other brands. FML

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By Anonymoose - 25/12/2011 11:39 - Switzerland

Today, I stayed up until 4 am. I was waiting for both my cats to fall asleep, so I could play Santa and stuff their stockings in secret. FML

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By JerseyGirl - 4/9/2009 16:52 - United States

Today, I went out to my car to run some errands. It wouldn't start. I called AAA, only to find out my battery wasn't dead, it was stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2013 13:32 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I dropped our daughter. Our hypothetical daughter. Represented by a stuffed owl. FML

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Top comments

By keywestlov | 0

#601355 - Saturday 3 October 2009 17:46

wow. horror movies and sex? i dont see what your complaining about! those are awesome things.

By doubleAbattery | 0

#601683 - Saturday 3 October 2009 22:05

This FML is worded horribly.

Comments

By jap1198 | 0

#601241 - Saturday 3 October 2009 16:15

I love Saw!

Reply

ajninamai | 0

#657335 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:17

Yeah, saw 5 is great :)

Reply

toch040 | 0

#1055788 - Saturday 3 July 2010 0:50

saw 5 is better than sex

By wickedsmart | 0

#601249 - Saturday 3 October 2009 16:19

How is this a FML?? What retard moderated you??

By moonlit_manga | 0

#601269 - Saturday 3 October 2009 16:35

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Bloodknight | 22

#601272 - Saturday 3 October 2009 16:37

Don't feel bad. So Saw V was more interesting than your BF, FHL, not yours...

By keywestlov | 0

#601355 - Saturday 3 October 2009 17:46

wow. horror movies and sex? i dont see what your complaining about! those are awesome things.

Reply

ellaterra | 1

#3545679 - Saturday 5 November 2011 16:18

Bad sex you mean

Reply

ellaterra | 1

#3545681 - Saturday 5 November 2011 16:18

Bad sex you mean

By aahas7 | 0

#601369 - Saturday 3 October 2009 17:58

Ha ha been there, done that! Only it was Anger Management.

Reply

Destinyx | 0

#612081 - Friday 9 October 2009 17:46

I love that film :D

By bcopeland | 0

#601375 - Saturday 3 October 2009 18:05

um... haven't you ever heard of TiVo... pause it....

Reply

Biebz4Lyf10 | 0

#2947149 - Thursday 21 July 2011 22:57

maybe OP Doesnt have TiVo, smart one...

By Sebastian00 | 0

#601455 - Saturday 3 October 2009 19:17

How is this a FML?

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#601463 - Saturday 3 October 2009 19:27

....? What's wrong with that movie? This is DEFINETELLY not fML worthy.

By alyzandra | 0

#601515 - Saturday 3 October 2009 20:10

Really read this people: "the sex was that good that I watched it for a little bit." It's assumed that she was watching the movie, but why is she complaining about watching the movie if the sex was good?
This continues to baffle me. Who moderated such a thing?

Reply

whimsywhit | 0

#602116 - Sunday 4 October 2009 2:34

I agree... I can't figure this one out.

Reply

UnearthlyEnemy | 9

#966649 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 6:49

The sex was so fantastically TRAGIC. Meaning it sucked, no pun.

Reply

ChuckRebel | 0

#971231 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 21:21

ya, good one alyzandrafuk. how bout you read that over again dumbass before you say "read this people"... your stupidity has got me raging right now