Today, I slept for the first time with my boyfriend. I'd always... - FML

By lauz - 3/10/2009 12:20 - Australia

Today, I slept for the first time with my boyfriend. I'd always imagined it to be a romantic moment. It turned out that 'Saw 5' was on the TV in the background, and the sex was so fantastically tragic that I ended up watching/listening to it, on the sly. FML

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Messed up

Social distancing gone wrong

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 8/12/2015 20:24 - United States - Knoxville

Today, while giving my final speech, a bump that had been growing on my arm popped. Pus leaked through my white dress sleeve, and it smelled like death. Everyone noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2011 03:44 - United States

Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2013 21:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML

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By StinkyDogs - 27/3/2011 10:06 - United States

Today, on the way home from the dog groomer, my great Dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car. I slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2013 01:47 - Australia

Today, I took my driver's test. I did everything flawlessly, but my examiner kept all but pissing his pants throughout. He yelled, "ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US KILLED?!" when I drove past a traffic light just as it was about to turn red. The road was almost empty. He failed me on the spot. FML

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By singlesummer - 25/6/2012 08:32 - United States - Compton

Today, I was watching a movie alone, after receiving a text from my boyfriend saying that his grandma was at the hospital, so he couldn't go with me. I caught him on a date with another girl, at the same movie screening that I went to. FML

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By Dr_JF - 15/12/2008 07:11 - France

Today, I told myself: "Go on you big geek, go outside, get some sun, get your ass away from in front of your PC, go for a walk". I finally muster the courage to leave my house. Without my keys. I've been in an internet cafe for four hours. FML

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By Glutton for Punishment. - 7/9/2010 21:30 - France

Today, I got a separation agreement from my wife. It was sent from the lawyer she spent the long weekend with right before she told me it was over. FML

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By nope! - 4/3/2020 12:00

Meanwhile, in 1953…

Today, I had my first date in more than two years. As soon as I sat down, the first words out of his mouth were, "How many people have you had sex with? Not just recently, but ever. I don’t date women who’ve had more than 5 partners." I left before we'd even ordered drinks. FML

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By WTFisMyLife - 8/5/2019 03:00

Today, my boyfriend whipped out his proverbial notebook, where he obviously keeps notes of what I do and how I act during sex, and then grilled me about every single one of those things. Now I'm scared to do anything because I don't want to be interrogated about it later. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, I got a well paying job that requires me to drive around and present a product to potential customers. After going out for a victory meal with friends, I came home to find my car broken into, and my GPS stolen. I need it for the job. FML

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By sometingwong - 1/12/2011 20:32 - United States

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

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By ostler - 2/12/2009 13:27 - United Kingdom

Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because I don't drink. Apparently if you're tee-total, you're not entitled to spend time with your family and are incapable of having fun. FML

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By fml - 25/4/2009 01:55 - United States

Today, I was walking through town when I saw a plastic bag on the ground. Trying to be a good citizen, I picked it up, intending on throwing it in the trash. When I looked up, there wasn't a trash can for another hundred feet. So I put it back down. Now I've got a $200 fine to pay for littering. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2016 15:27 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dad wanted to show me a cool camera he saw on Amazon yesterday, so I let him use my laptop to find it. I realized too late that I'd forgotten to clear my browsing history. The suggested purchases section was filled with dildos and lube. He definitely noticed. FML

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By alone_forever - 4/3/2009 21:03 - United States

Today, my best friend who I have been secretly in love with forever, was ranting about her ex-girlfriend. Then she said : "If only you were gay, we'd be perfect for each other." So I took the chance to tell her I was. She responded : "Well I am still not attracted to you though." FML

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By fuck - 18/3/2015 17:40 - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to "Get a life. Or better pickup lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 00:03

Today, I left the apartment door open so the construction workers sent by our landlord could work in the kitchen, while I slept in after working a late shift. They knocked on the bedroom door at 7 a.m., asking me to move the bed. FML

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By 4_and_20_blackbits - 26/8/2013 08:38 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, while baking, I was joined by my roommate who doesn't really cook. I was making a batch of dough and she volunteered to help. After showing her how to knead, she really got into it. Afterwards, I asked why she wanted to help. "It really cleans my nails", she said. FML

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By Sloppy Cashmere - 9/5/2016 21:26 - United States - Bemidji

Today, I visited a waterpark with friends. At one point, a woman floating near me suddenly says to me, "How are you doing, honey?" Instinctively, I replied, "I'm well". The woman gave me a strange look and I turned around to find she was talking to her child directly behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2016 23:26 - United States

Today, I found out that when my parents said they couldn't afford gifts for us kids, what they really meant was that they weren't buying a gift for me. I found this out when I overheard my father telling my uncle about the things he got my siblings. FML

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By ashamed - 14/12/2014 02:02 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my dad and grandpa came to a charity event that I helped set up for people who have autism. I appreciated their support, until I heard my dad say "Man, some of these 'tards are pretty hot." and my grandpa replying "Yeah. Probably like dead fish in bed, though." FML

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By rubberduck1 - 16/11/2012 05:04 - United States - Mattoon

Today, I told my boss I could handle running the floor buffer. Thirty seconds in, I lost control and became pinned to the wall by its force. In my state of shock and embarrassment, I didn't realize the only thing keeping me trapped was my grip on the accelerator. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2009 13:27 - United States

Today, I met a girl who's the whole package: brains, beauty, shared interests, great personality, single, and into me. Too bad I married my bitchy, depressive high school girlfriend who said she'd kill herself if I didn't. Sometimes, she still tells me she'll do it if we divorce. I believe her. FML

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By idonthavelice - 28/2/2010 13:44 - China

Today, while I was standing in the elevator with a few people I just met when I moved in yesterday, I felt something fall on my hair and dusted it off. It was a cockroach. None of them will come within a 1m distance to me now, because they all think I've got lice. Welcome to the building! FML

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By longdrive - 25/7/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, my sister and I drove 800 miles with her five-year-old, her two-year-old, and her two dogs. The two-year-old got carsick five times, adding an extra three hours to the trip. The kickers? My sister is sympathy spewer and neither of them chews food very well. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 02:48 - Australia

Today, my little sister put on some black eyeliner on my eyes. About half an hour later, my eyes started to hurt. Eyeliner never hurt for me; so I went to the bathroom to check it out. My sister wasn't using eyeliner. It was a black watercolor pencil. Now I have black bits inside my eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2014 09:34 - Australia

Today, my mother took me to go and see my grandfather, who I hadn't seen since I was 4. The first thing he said to me was, "Pfwoarr, look at those tits." FML

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By Person - 11/11/2016 02:04

Today, my cousin invited me to an event that would be on Saturday night. The first thing I did after she texted me, was ask my mom if I could go. I'm 20. FML

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By JLO - 18/8/2011 14:11 - Australia

Today, I noticed that a picture of me on my Mum and Dad's wall looked different. On closer inspection, I realised they'd recently painted over my teeth with white paint. I asked them why, and they said they looked 'discoloured'. It's my wedding photo. FML

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By ginny - 10/9/2009 17:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML

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By Gem - 5/4/2013 11:04 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I carried flat-packed boxes home from work to move my things into a new apartment. Whilst walking down the street, the wind kept blowing and spinning me round. A crowd eventually gathered, mistaking me for a street performer. Nobody helped or even threw me any loose change. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2011 05:38 - Canada

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

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By lonely - 15/9/2019 04:05 - Canada - Granby

Saturday Night Fever-ish

Today, I invited a bunch of friends over to hang out and watch a movie. It's been two hours since everyone was supposed to turn up, and no one has showed. Thanks, friends. FML

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By suzyyy - 23/2/2011 09:18 - Netherlands

Today, I had to sell my phone to pay for the phone bill. FML

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By gbhlaughingstock - 18/8/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, I was at my school's spaghetti dinner with my family. My brother shook up my mom's soda, as a prank. My entire class witnessed my mom waving around an overflowing Diet Coke while my dad yelled, "Come on, put your mouth on it! Suck it! Suck it, Kathy!" FML

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By Carnage23 - 22/11/2014 10:16 - Germany - Essen

Today, my coworker and I announced that we are spending our holidays together, because we both have kids. My boss announced he is coming with us. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2015 12:35 - Australia

Today, while trying to lift a weight bar at the gym, I ended up cracking my rib cage and almost passed out. My friend, who was supposed to be spotting for me, couldn't help until the last second because he'd snuck off to flirt with a pair of guys halfway across the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2013 23:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 16-year-old daughter burned all her baby photos because they were unflattering and made her "look fat". FML

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By ThatOneGirl646 - 12/1/2012 00:49 - United States

Today, my mother threatened me if I keep wearing yoga pants to school, she's going to have my dad pick me up in a speedo. FML

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Top comments

By keywestlov | 0

#601355 - Saturday 3 October 2009 17:46

wow. horror movies and sex? i dont see what your complaining about! those are awesome things.

By doubleAbattery | 0

#601683 - Saturday 3 October 2009 22:05

This FML is worded horribly.

COMMENTS

By jap1198 | 0

#601241 - Saturday 3 October 2009 16:15

I love Saw!

Reply

ajninamai | 0

#657335 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:17

Yeah, saw 5 is great :)

Reply

toch040 | 0

#1055788 - Saturday 3 July 2010 0:50

saw 5 is better than sex

By wickedsmart | 0

#601249 - Saturday 3 October 2009 16:19

How is this a FML?? What retard moderated you??

By moonlit_manga | 0

#601269 - Saturday 3 October 2009 16:35

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Bloodknight | 22

#601272 - Saturday 3 October 2009 16:37

Don't feel bad. So Saw V was more interesting than your BF, FHL, not yours...

By keywestlov | 0

#601355 - Saturday 3 October 2009 17:46

wow. horror movies and sex? i dont see what your complaining about! those are awesome things.

Reply

ellaterra | 1

#3545679 - Saturday 5 November 2011 16:18

Bad sex you mean

Reply

ellaterra | 1

#3545681 - Saturday 5 November 2011 16:18

Bad sex you mean

By aahas7 | 0

#601369 - Saturday 3 October 2009 17:58

Ha ha been there, done that! Only it was Anger Management.

Reply

Destinyx | 0

#612081 - Friday 9 October 2009 17:46

I love that film :D

By bcopeland | 0

#601375 - Saturday 3 October 2009 18:05

um... haven't you ever heard of TiVo... pause it....

Reply

Biebz4Lyf10 | 0

#2947149 - Thursday 21 July 2011 22:57

maybe OP Doesnt have TiVo, smart one...

By Sebastian00 | 0

#601455 - Saturday 3 October 2009 19:17

How is this a FML?

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#601463 - Saturday 3 October 2009 19:27

....? What's wrong with that movie? This is DEFINETELLY not fML worthy.

By alyzandra | 0

#601515 - Saturday 3 October 2009 20:10

Really read this people: "the sex was that good that I watched it for a little bit." It's assumed that she was watching the movie, but why is she complaining about watching the movie if the sex was good?
This continues to baffle me. Who moderated such a thing?

Reply

whimsywhit | 0

#602116 - Sunday 4 October 2009 2:34

I agree... I can't figure this one out.

Reply

UnearthlyEnemy | 9

#966649 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 6:49

The sex was so fantastically TRAGIC. Meaning it sucked, no pun.

Reply

ChuckRebel | 0

#971231 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 21:21

ya, good one alyzandrafuk. how bout you read that over again dumbass before you say "read this people"... your stupidity has got me raging right now