Miscellaneous: Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard...

By Anonymous - 06/07/2011 16:59 - United States

Today, I shaved my beard off. Turns out the skin under my beard is six shades lighter than the rest of my face. I look completely ridiculous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 232

You deserved it 14 150

Miscellaneous

Hiding from the drama

Age difference

Get 'em!

By Anonymous - 20/01/2015 20:24 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I spent a half hour trying to help my cat down after he got stuck in the tree on my lawn. I finally gave up and called a local tree care company to help. When I returned outside, I found my cat casually walking about by the door. The guy who showed up to help was not happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 829

You deserved it 5 491

By _akwardsituation - 01/01/2010 06:07 - Canada

Today, I realized the odd smell I've been trying to get out of the house is coming from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 199

You deserved it 33 142

By Anonymous - 22/03/2013 23:21 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was feeling a bit insecure about my body, and I told my boyfriend I don't know how he can even stand to have sex with me. He replied, "I know, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 325

You deserved it 19 222

By RingAroundThe..SPLAT - 16/05/2012 04:10 - United States - Washington

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she was scared that she was more in love with me than I in her, and that she was afraid I would leave her. So she left me instead. I'd been thinking about proposing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 882

You deserved it 2 866

Abalaschabalamanama

By help meeeee - 14/03/2021 17:01

Today, and ever since we watched a documentary about televangelists scamming people, my boyfriend randomly imitates them speaking "in tongues" because he knows it freaks me out. He's really good at it as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 725

You deserved it 141

By Anonymous - 02/03/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, my family made a fake boyfriend for me on Facebook, since it's been so long since I had one. I accepted the relationship request to try and trick people into thinking I actually had a boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 827

You deserved it 29 391

You tried

By briiiiiiii123 - 12/01/2015 07:56 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 349

You deserved it 7 702

Packaging

By Anonymous - 01/09/2020 17:01 - Germany

Today, I was cleaning up after my mom visited with her dogs. She'd left a little pill-jar on the kitchen counter. Had she forgotten her medicine? It made a weird, soft sound when I shaked it. I opened the lid to shake some pills into my hand, only it wasn't pills. It was two fat ticks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 372

You deserved it 208

By xOdaatx - 26/09/2011 13:01 - Australia

Today, my fiancé told me his ex-wife was 5 weeks pregnant. I was happy for her, and glad she had finally moved on. Until I found out who the father was. They're moving back in together, for the baby's sake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 375

You deserved it 3 028

Cruel

By Gayafnow - 02/08/2021 02:01

Today, my sister outed me to my very conservative parents as retaliation for not taking her to get McDonald’s at 2 a.m. last night. My mom gave me an ultimatum, either "stop the lesbian shit" or get the fuck out of her house. My sister smirked through the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 354

You deserved it 140

By Criminal - 13/07/2010 23:15 - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket. I wrote a check, and on the way to deposit my fine, I got another one. I put both fines in a box down town, and I turned around to see a cop putting a parking ticket under my wind-shield wiper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 908

You deserved it 49 234

How could you?

By Lolzords - 14/09/2010 10:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the stairs holding a glass of water, when I tripped. I don't know what hurts more, that I'm still picking glass out of my hand or that my mum is still ranting about the water I'd spilt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 738

You deserved it 2 732

Not now!

By fml9124 - 25/04/2020 20:00

Today, the best manager I've ever had told me she was leaving to take a job at another company. I just found out my new manager is a guy that has destroyed three different departments in three years. He's the owner's nephew or something. I do not want to be looking for a new job during the Covid-19 pandemic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 734

You deserved it 111

By Anonymous - 28/07/2015 01:27 - United States - Orlando

Today, my brother was telling me about my "sweet" and "pure" ex-girlfriend. Three stab wounds have already proven otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 011

You deserved it 1 882

Cats are like drugs

By Anonymous - 22/05/2021 23:01 - Turkey - Adana

Today, I'd agreed to watch my friend's cats for a few weeks. I'd always promised myself not to become a "crazy cat lady" like her. It's the third day and I danced with the cats and apologised to them for my bad dancing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 404

By Anonymous - 29/04/2012 03:00 - United States - Winchester

Today, I found out that of the three medications I am taking for depression, one causes weight gain, one causes severe weight gain, and one "might cause weight gain." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 226

You deserved it 3 393

By Anonymous - 25/08/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had a rehearsal for a musical I'm in. I've worked my arse off to get the songs I sing in place and sounding good. Unfortunately, my coworkers haven't. Now the director wants to cut the songs I'm in because, "the people you're working with make you look shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 572

You deserved it 204

By Anonymous - 10/08/2015 19:54 - Canada - Burlington

Today, I went to a hockey game. While warm-ups were happening, my favourite player pointed at me and tossed me a puck. It bounced off my hand into another girl's, who was a fan of the other team. She refused to give it back, then walked away and said, "I can't wait to sell this on eBay." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 978

You deserved it 2 408

By itsnotthatIhatecharity - 26/08/2017 23:15

Today, I found out that because I, like many others, don't read the terms and conditions, I accidentally donated £200 to a charity because of a non-refundable payment on a volunteering trip. It's my parents' money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 005

You deserved it 3 073

By Beard - 08/11/2016 11:14

Today, I shaved my beard that I wanted to grow for winter, into a goatee for a Skype interview. On the day, the interviewer only used audio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 250

You deserved it 1 774

By Tweenmom - 13/04/2017 16:00

Today, my tween daughter found an exciting new book series to replace her two-year obsession with Harry Potter. Hello, Team Jacob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 679

You deserved it 532

By ProAwkward - 18/06/2013 04:07 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, as I was walking home, I noticed a man and a woman arguing in their driveway. To avoid an awkward situation, I crossed the street. I then had to walk past a creepy guy watering his plants in his underwear while looking directly at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 733

You deserved it 5 835

Hotwife and blues lawyer

By Anonymous - 10/11/2021 14:00 - United States - Shingle Springs

Today, I have a new guitar on its way. I forgot to make up a story, so now my wife won't be happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 152

You deserved it 1 431

By sick and lonely - 27/08/2016 03:19 - United States - Rockford

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I had a fever from a stomach virus. I was shivering with cold sweats while she explained there was nothing wrong with our relationship, but she would regret not giving her cheating ex a second chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 232

You deserved it 1 121

By jordyn173 - 08/04/2012 03:19 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a basketball game. A very pretty woman sat next to him. During the third quarter, the kiss cam came on. But it didn't show him and me, it showed him and the other girl. And they kissed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 605

You deserved it 3 576

By Elrond Hubbard - 24/01/2015 19:25 - United States

Today, I drove my dad to Walmart to do some shopping. His leg is still in a cast after an accident, so I helped him to the last mobility scooter. A guy whose only disability was clearly Fat-Fuck Syndrome then yelled at us, claiming he needed it more and that my dad was a faker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 970

You deserved it 2 595

By ManderDander - 05/09/2015 18:48 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend was putting baby powder on my bare ass, when his dad walked into the room, casually set a laundry basket next to the bed, and walked out like nothing happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 838

You deserved it 8 138

By ajnmegs - 19/04/2012 16:08 - United States - Aurora

Today, while watching TV with my wife, I realized that we were still watching "My Little Pony" even though the kids had been asleep for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 088

You deserved it 5 860

By negativesoup - 10/11/2016 18:44

Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 227

You deserved it 763

Scary

By The V Sal - 13/02/2009 18:39 - United States

Today, I was helping supervise a 5 year-old's birthday party in an inflatable obstacle course. I was playing hide and seek with them. I saw the birthday boy and crept around the corner and yelled, "Found you!" He peed his pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 088

You deserved it 34 251

By Sally256 - 03/05/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I was with my kids. We saw a tiny little bug and they started freaking out. Trying to show them that bugs are not scary, I picked it up. It bit me and now I have to go to the doctor because my hand is the size of a balloon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 600

You deserved it 26 973

By Anonymous - 15/04/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I saw a commercial for some sort of meaty beef dish. The camera zoomed in and my mouth watered because it looked so delicious. Then flashed the next scene: golden retrievers running through a field and eating from their bowl. My mouth just watered for a dog food commerical. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 405

You deserved it 24 409

By apparentlytoougly - 27/03/2013 07:29 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, a customer came up to me and asked if I knew where the make-up aisle was. I pointed him in the right direction but he just gasped and said, "Oh so you DO know where it is!" and walked away, roaring with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 485

You deserved it 3 831

By Anonymous - 06/03/2016 18:49 - United States - Atwater

Today, my slacker co-worker accused me of stealing because I got more hours than him. I was called into the manager's office and interrogated. They believed him, and sent me home for the day. I guess it pays off being the boss's kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 016

You deserved it 1 208

By Anonymous - 14/05/2019 14:00

Today, I spent 4 hours making a cheesecake for my brother's girlfriend, which she begged me for a week to make. After my oven breaking and having to buy a new hand mixer, she tells me she's not going to eat it because this morning she decided to try being a vegan because, "it sounds interesting." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 176

You deserved it 183

By Anonymous - 20/04/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 563

You deserved it 7 938

By camerashyguy - 20/09/2014 03:14 - United States - Longview

Today, while giving directions to a blind guy, I accidentally made him walk into a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 827

You deserved it 8 870

By BeatByA9yrold - 12/04/2014 19:59 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my girlfriend's little brother challenged me to a water gun fight. I accepted, not knowing he was going to fill his gun with vinegar, then shoot me in the eyes with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 631

You deserved it 4 661

By AudraRose - 07/09/2011 16:57 - United States

Today, I have my very first gynecologist appointment. I'm 15. My mom wants to "be on the safe side" and make sure I'm not sexually active. This is my punishment for being a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 422

You deserved it 3 513

By can't sleep - 18/03/2014 08:36 - United States - Crown Point

Today, my mother taught my 98-year-old great-uncle to knock on the wall if he needs us. He can't remember who we are, but every hour he can remember to knock to ask, "Is it breakfast yet?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 743

You deserved it 4 126

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Top comments

saIty 17

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:05

Congratulations Santa!

WellThatSucksMaj 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:04

hahahahahaha

WellThatSucksMaj 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:04

hahahahahaha

KingGeorgeGal 12

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:07

Time to Regrow your beard maybe? ...

NeverShoutDana 13

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:14

Maybe use a marker to color over the lighter part..?

ATLBOI770 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:28

use a sharpie :)

opendoorclosed 8

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:33

Fluorescent beard ftw!

lilmisslovely13 15

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:39

why does every comment have thumbs down? I'm going to thumb up all of these comments just to be a rebel!!!

FarSide 22

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:39

Well, maybe now you just look "incompletely" ridiculous with the two-tone thing going on...

ShyAnn29 14

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:46

you could use makeup, lol!! although it may be awkward! lol

garrettsgirl 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:50

time to go tanning!!!

chaps93 6

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:03

duct tape fixes everything.

yummycupkake 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:04

that turned my grandma on.

Zapzip2013 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:14

I always wondered if this happened...

cowsgomooxP 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:18

Awkward tan lines; we all get them.

CCrunner2 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:24

next time maybe shave before u get tan?

rissa19 1

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:52

spray tan :)

Jojo08_fml 0

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Thursday 7 July 2011 0:01

OP, common sense?

bagginzy 14

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Thursday 7 July 2011 0:41

Reverse goggle tan!

bagginzy 14

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Thursday 7 July 2011 0:41

Reverse goggle tan!

hilda_kitty 16

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Thursday 7 July 2011 0:41

You read my mind, 1.

Drigr 9

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Thursday 7 July 2011 1:00

yet another stupid comment to be first.

mfjkr 10

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Thursday 7 July 2011 1:05

why? would you shave away your manhood?

WellThatSucksMaj 0

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Thursday 7 July 2011 1:35

all I said was haha ? jeez quit bitching.

daisyloo 7

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Thursday 7 July 2011 1:43

Exactly, 142.

Drigr 9

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Thursday 7 July 2011 2:15

exactly. ALL you said was haha.

venom2421 10

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Thursday 7 July 2011 3:35

well said

iluvboobies 9

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Thursday 7 July 2011 4:06

Use fake beard!

juicedboi 7

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Thursday 7 July 2011 4:37

Windex will solve ur issue. Along with everything else u have problems with. From ur sore toe to ur tv not working to cancer.

Klums02 0

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Thursday 7 July 2011 6:13

Well now at least people who don't recognize you clean shaven can see that you once had a beard...

CsDy1395 6

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Thursday 7 July 2011 6:14

that's what you get for shaving. I hope you and everyone else reading this take something away from this: beards are necessary.

aardvarks 0

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Thursday 7 July 2011 6:38

173- I like the way you think.

Trololololololo_fml 7

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Thursday 7 July 2011 9:05

Fake tan that bitch. Also, next time, trim it down gradually instead of shaving it off. Because then at least you'll see what your skin looks like before making a retard out of yourself.

trevorsbaby12 0

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Monday 11 July 2011 7:21

1- my thoughts exactly :)

saIty 17

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:05

Congratulations Santa!

poptart10170 3

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:45

santa can get a tan... lol

poptart10170 3

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:45

santa can get a tan... lol

saIty 17

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:49

Or he can shave off some hair from Rudolph, and superglue it to his face.

saIty 17

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:49

Or he can shave off some hair from Rudolph, and superglue it to his face.

jomo11jack 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:25

why the hell would Santa have a tan?

BlAcKxJe5uS 6

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:46

The sun reflects off of the snow and gives you a tan.... its like water... if you go swimming in a pool for 4 hours your going to either be sunburned or really tan, because the suns rays get reflected off of the water, and the same goes for snow im the winter...you just dont get as tanned because your bundled up in more clothing than the summer

enoughgrace 4

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:49

because then he would be... *puts shades on* ...San-tana... yeah, its lame but I did it anyways.

lakers2thetop 3

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Thursday 7 July 2011 0:23

Someday Santa will die. When he does hell will freeze over, at which time Satan will rearrange the letters of his name and become the new Santa. After this a new Satan must be found. The process of finding a new Satan will be televised. The producers of The Satan Apprentice will be multi billionaires

Tcaret300 12

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Thursday 7 July 2011 1:07

^WIN^ 120

JerryCedar 2

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Thursday 7 July 2011 6:17

#120 makes a valuable point except the next Satan has already been found ... His name is Charlie Sheen

peachesbeach 0

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Thursday 7 July 2011 7:47

120 - love the randomness of this :3 187 - I love Charlie sheen :( he is more like a god than satan! winning ;)

lolk3qt 1

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Tuesday 11 October 2011 13:43

Get a life loser

Clioo_fml 17

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Thursday 13 September 2012 3:46

#103 well actually, water absorbs the sun rays and the heat instead of them reflecting off of the water, which is partially why ocean waters are warming up gradually. But this isn't science class, so let's not get into details.

electrorange 13

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:05

well wot did you expect????

Iamnotmyself 17

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:20

I version of himself without a beard/ very terrible tan line.

Bright_Lights 14

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:52

I believe the word you're looking for is 'what'.

practicesafesax 0

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Thursday 7 July 2011 5:04

I'm not sure "wot" he expected... but apparently, this is not "what" he expected.

ollierobs 0

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Friday 15 July 2011 15:20

It's not too late to shave face!

awwwyeaahh 0

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Monday 18 July 2011 20:17

111 you are hottt. wanna hang?

mexicotoucher 7

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:05

two words: fake tan.

BeastMode5 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:12

On part of his face. =)

wordnerd42 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:16

Two more words: Ski mask.

lakers2thetop 3

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:17

Two words: I can't count

wordnerd42 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:17

Actually, that made no sense whatsoever. At least it was two words.

ImAHomosexual 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:40

17 words: I sit in bed and play with my ass just to pass the time with my friends.

PYLrulz 17

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:22

Three words: This is ridiculous

TheOtherMakona 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:42

one word: anal

wrigleys 4

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:43

16 words: do I add the words I use to say how many words I used?

1215116a 14

Thursday 7 July 2011 0:48

10 words: I wonder when the 'c c c c combo breakerrr' will come in...

F0xyTurtle 8

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Thursday 7 July 2011 0:50

C-C-C Combo breaker! >:D

ComTlancy 12

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Thursday 7 July 2011 0:50

Five words: You just lost the game.

Tcaret300 12

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Thursday 7 July 2011 1:09

seven words, you just lost the game even worse.

DoubleEdgedBlade 4

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Thursday 7 July 2011 2:18

Two words: I lost. :(

musicanonymus 0

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Thursday 7 July 2011 2:26

fuck you.... it's been 7 months.

gyroscape 0

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Thursday 7 July 2011 3:45

two words: oompa loompa

steph87_fml 0

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Thursday 7 July 2011 5:23

I actually counted to see if it was 17 words. fml !

SamanthaRose143 6

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Thursday 7 July 2011 5:34

Two words, I'm lost-__-

sophieehehexD 0

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Thursday 7 July 2011 8:25

16- two words: skin cancer.

mArkoman134 0

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Thursday 7 July 2011 12:07

#16 2 more words. gay comment.

What_Willis_is_t 1

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Thursday 7 July 2011 15:08

One word: Delfin

Hockeyboy4280 18

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Friday 8 July 2011 21:06

2 words: combo breaker.

FuckThisLogin 31

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Friday 30 October 2015 5:13

Four words: I'm the goddamn Batman!

bassdredd 2

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:06

that's definitely a hairy situation...or...not..

chaps93 6

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:08

Definition of fail...

ImaWiseGuy 5

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:47

haha, with a capital F.A.I.L.^

sblhaine 0

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:06

Hope your five o'clock shadow is dark...

1958x 6

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:06

That's kinda to be expected.

MatthewDmerrill 5

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:06

dye it

twisted54 1

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:42

his face?

Emmy_The_Great 2

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:50

Yes, OP, go dye your chin. Do a reverse MJ.

athena3100 9

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 23:35

Yea go dye your face. its the thing now.

tylr6024 0

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Thursday 7 July 2011 2:44

are you retarted?

iRiS890 5

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Thursday 7 July 2011 2:54

*retarded. You shouldn't question someone else's intelligence if you make yourself look just as dumb in doing so. JS.

chrisdrewislife3 0

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Thursday 7 July 2011 4:12

I mean...who doesn't....you know...die their chin.

boomersooner42 0

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Thursday 7 July 2011 5:33

YES

mk58 31

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Wednesday 6 July 2011 22:06

Go buy yourself some spray tan. Apply an extra dark shade on the lighter area, and a lighter shade on the rest of you. Then you'll be orange everywhere.