Miscellaneous: Today, I sharted during my wedding vows. FML - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 627

You deserved it 103

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 603

You deserved it 40

28/02/2015 14:16

Today, I sharted during my wedding vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 608

You deserved it 5 107

And today, on Dr Phil…

The smell detective is on the case

Dementia or hate? You decide

22/11/2017 15:00

Today, I took my $2,000 drone out and shot some beautiful footage of an old dam. I hid it behind a rock to explore the area further without carrying it, but when I came back it was gone. I was splitting the payments with my uncle. I work a minimum wage job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 631

You deserved it 7 819

20/06/2009 05:17

Today, after dieting and working out for almost 3 months, I sit down on my chair to finish off some work. It broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 601

You deserved it 4 739

Respect should be earned

By sarah - 06/06/2020 20:00

Today, while out in public, my stepmom turned and screamed at me for a good while for “walking through a door before an elder.” People stared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 381

You deserved it 203

25/05/2014 15:50

Today, my girlfriend and I got into an argument while she was in the bathroom. I told her I was leaving her because she's too needy. She came out of the bathroom and threw her used tampon at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 213

You deserved it 36 188

31/08/2010 07:54

Today, I Googled my father, who I haven't seen in 3 years. The first website link was his obituary. When I confronted my mom about it, she said, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 417

You deserved it 2 844

Dates that matter

By mee - 19/02/2012 11:37

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend sang "Happy birthday" to my vagina. It was my birthday last month and he forgot, but he remembers the date of the first time he went down on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 729

You deserved it 4 638

14/09/2012 00:57

Today, after having a long talk with my mother about gays, she told me that she was totally open. I felt completely relieved, being gay myself. Seconds later, she said, "But not for you. I want you to find me a nice girl that can give me lots of grand kids." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 963

You deserved it 5 214

It's not what you think!

By Anonymous - 11/12/2012 07:20

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was dropping me off home and we were still in the car. When I went in to give him a hug, my hand hit his shoulder and I dropped my phone at his feet. Just as I pulled back up with it, my dad was staring at us from outside. He still appears to think I was giving him head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 469

You deserved it 4 165

29/08/2012 04:19

Today, I came home from work to find my house was flooded from a broken pipe under the sink. My house had just recently had new wood floors, carpet and electrics installed because 6 months earlier my house had been flooded by the same pipe breaking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 031

You deserved it 2 895

13/09/2013 21:31

Today, while chatting with a friend online, I told her that Kristen Stewart isn't going to star in the 50 Shades movie as she originally thought. She then spammed me with so many "NO"/"NO WAY" messages that my crappy laptop froze up, forcing me to reboot and lose a ton of unsaved essay notes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 733

You deserved it 12 498

12/11/2012 17:27

Today, I went to see a movie with three of my friends, and I was sharing popcorn with one of them. Halfway through the movie, my friend asked me why I wasn't eating our popcorn. I then realised I'd been taking popcorn from the man sitting next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 779

You deserved it 8 941

28/03/2019 00:00

Today, after being constipated for four days post-surgery, I have gotten diarrhea. It doesn't actually help getting the hard plug out, but it has found slow passages around it, so I’m still left to my own devices. This is not the kind of gold I’d like to be digging for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 702

You deserved it 141

24/11/2010 06:08

Today, I had just finished writing my rough draft essay, so I went to sit by the pond. A giant moth suddenly flew down and attacked me, causing me to drop my binder in the pond, ruining the essay. I discovered in the aftermath that the moth was actually a leaf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 853

You deserved it 33 259

19/10/2015 22:13

Today, at my prestigious sous chef job, I was preparing to plate up expensive entrees for a function of 150 people. After arriving to work 2 hours early to finalize finishing touches, they call the restaurant 5 minutes before their booking stating, 'We can't be bothered anymore, sorry.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 852

You deserved it 1 512

27/07/2016 20:32

Spicy

Today, when the power went out, my wife said it was too bad we couldn't have sex by candlelight since she had just started her period. The only time she brings up sex is when we can't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 406

You deserved it 1 698

11/11/2018 13:30

Today, I broke my glasses. How did I break my glasses? A cow kicked me in the face at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 807

You deserved it 235

06/06/2010 16:00

Today, I bought an apartment over what I have just learned to be an Irish folk music store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 944

You deserved it 34 089

28/06/2019 07:05

Today, due to sleep deprivation, I wasn't paying attention to where the elevator stopped. I walked into a flat, thinking it was mine. It wasn't. It was the flat just beneath mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 376

You deserved it 439

28/07/2015 18:55

Today, while in a hotel, I left the room to get some ice. Since my parents left the door wedged open, I didn't worry about trying to find the room number. Without thinking, I walked in to another room that was also wedged open. Yes, there were people in it, and yes, they were both naked and hairy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 916

You deserved it 9 166

Subconscious

By doodler - 27/02/2014 11:59

Today, I was doodling randomly during a meeting at work, and I noticed my drawing was beginning to look a bit like a penis. A coworker was eyeing it so I tried to make it something else by adding... oh good, now it's a penis and balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 040

You deserved it 13 458

23/07/2015 19:00

Today, my boss called me in to have a serious talk. The "serious talk" was him asking me to notify him of my menstrual cycle ahead of time so he can "avoid that shit". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 072

You deserved it 2 882

12/10/2015 09:18

Today, a woman at work told me that her kid had puked into "a storage bin" in the office. It wasn't a storage bin, it was the outgoing mail tray on the side of my desk containing important contract documents that had to be posted by 5pm that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 272

You deserved it 1 683

Hedging your bets

By mauimango7 - 27/07/2010 10:07

Today, I was on the arm of my couch trying to grab something from the bookshelf, and my boyfriend was below me. I asked, "So, would you catch me if I fell?" He looked back at me, paused for a moment before saying, "How much do you weigh again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 294

You deserved it 8 014

02/08/2009 21:20

Today, a moth was flying around my house. Annoyed, I picked up a shoe to crush it with. The moth landed on a light fixture on the ceiling, so I made my move. Dead, the moth slipped gracefully through air and onto my head. So did the light fixture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 803

You deserved it 51 892

Get a vasectomy, dude

By grace - 05/10/2021 02:00

Today, my boyfriend told me he hoped I don’t get pregnant because he’d hate to have to dump me to escape fatherhood. Thinking he was making an insensitive joke about my single pregnant sister, I asked how many women he dumped for falling pregnant. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Four." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 072

You deserved it 164

08/01/2016 17:38

Today, I now accept how stupid I was to marry a man whose plans for the future all start with "When I win the lottery..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 495

You deserved it 9 617

17/07/2011 02:46

Today, while working at Subway, a man ordered a sub with avocado. When I told him it was no longer available, he screamed, spit in my face and ran out, pushing over an innocent bystander in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 643

You deserved it 3 417

He prefers the dog

By Anonymous - 19/11/2019 14:00

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out of bed so the dog could get under the covers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 880

You deserved it 337

29/10/2011 04:51

Today, my elderly neighbor called the police because my cat was in her yard. I now have a citation and a court date. Apparently, there is a leash law for cats in my town, and it is taken very seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 107

You deserved it 6 131

14/06/2009 04:14

Spicy

Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 044

You deserved it 63 146

07/06/2013 07:10

Spicy

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 900

You deserved it 69 988

Paper trail

By Anonymous - 12/04/2021 05:00

Today, my family got mad at me for installing toilet paper going under instead of over. Considering I'm the only one who fills the empty spool, I thought that it wouldn't matter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 352

18/02/2013 00:24

Today, my mom called me a "heartless bitch" for eating the last Hot Pocket. This is coming from a woman who, just last week, faked having cancer to get out of a speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 424

You deserved it 2 506

20/04/2014 04:52

Today, I went hiking with my family. A local had told us about the trail, saying the two mile walk would lead us to a seventy-foot waterfall. After seven miles of trekking in the sweltering sun with no food, we finally found the waterfall. It was barely ten feet tall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 126

You deserved it 7 282

27/07/2014 18:44

Today, I went to a comedy show with my mom, and they asked the audience members to yell out their problems as ideas for an improv skit. My mom yelled, "My daughter can't get a boyfriend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 044

You deserved it 4 822

29/01/2009 21:44

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and accidentally called her Brad (one of my roomates name) when I came. Now her and her friends think i'm gay and my roomate Brad moved out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 670

You deserved it 33 672

25/11/2009 14:45

Spicy

Today, I was at work, working on a new play. In the final dress rehearsal, I heard some of the crew laughing so I looked down at the very revealing costume to see that my left testicle was hanging out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 228

You deserved it 7 810

Wrong place, wrong time

By Matthew - 10/03/2021 00:30

Today, I awoke with a swollen, painful testicle. I called the ambulance and went to the hospital. After they'd done an ultrasound, it's a bad infection. My nurse was someone I used to know and had a major crush on. She's responsible for checking my testicle every 20 minutes when she checks my heart rate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 046

You deserved it 105

18/11/2009 21:11

Today, I woke up with a ridiculous hangover and no memory of last night. I called my friend who told me that I was so trashed I ended up eating all the hamburgers and chicken fingers in her fridge. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 916

You deserved it 51 083

Unwanted

By Anonymous - 02/07/2020 23:01

Today, I found out that I was not invited to my grandma's 80th surprise birthday party. I found out about it from my mom who lives out of state. I’m the only immediate family that would've been able to come. Due to coronavirus, I also missed my grandpa's 80th birthday. Guess I’m 2/2 this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 249

You deserved it 109

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Sunday 1 March 2015 0:10

How romantic

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Sunday 1 March 2015 0:12

That sucks in every aspect . Hopefully it wasn't loud and smelly. At least you'll forever have the wedding film to have a good laugh in a few years.

Comments

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Sunday 1 March 2015 0:10

How romantic

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Sunday 1 March 2015 3:43

Lets just hope OP had a chance to clean up before the garter dance.

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Sunday 1 March 2015 5:19

Yeah, you know the vows. Till death to us fart, and shit.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Sunday 1 March 2015 19:50

Sh*t just got real...

arrow007archer 19

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Monday 2 March 2015 1:22

Just no...

DisturbedSRT8 17

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Sunday 1 March 2015 0:11

Something I could have seen my wife doing.

hippodankamus 22

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Sunday 1 March 2015 0:11

I'm sure those nearby will understand. You must have been very nervous. But that still sucks OP.

unicornpoopstain 18

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Sunday 1 March 2015 0:11

Sounds shitty

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Sunday 1 March 2015 0:23

Sounds like you better start preparing for the downvotes.

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Sunday 1 March 2015 0:30

But I think its a perfectly timed and corny/hilarious!

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Sunday 1 March 2015 0:54

I just picture the will smith scene where he shouts NO and fires his gun whenever I see this type of comment.

xChaos 29

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Sunday 1 March 2015 1:44

How original.

Smooth_Criminal 24

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Sunday 1 March 2015 4:52

Let's hope it wasn't "corny"

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Sunday 1 March 2015 5:53

Oh my #68, you just put a horrible image in my head.

AliGInTheHouse 24

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Sunday 1 March 2015 0:11

I've never heard anything like that before... Sorry OP.

N3766 20

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Sunday 1 March 2015 0:12

True love is when you accept no matter how shit your SO...

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Sunday 1 March 2015 5:12

Well... That started off as a coherent thought, at least...

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Sunday 1 March 2015 0:12

That sucks in every aspect . Hopefully it wasn't loud and smelly. At least you'll forever have the wedding film to have a good laugh in a few years.

siggy_mcsigx 22

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Sunday 1 March 2015 3:16

Hopefully it didn't stain through the white dress.....

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Sunday 1 March 2015 4:50

Actually, I think it blows in every aspect. Farts don't tend to suck.

Brandi_Faith 33

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Sunday 1 March 2015 5:24

We need a follow up op! Did it stain the dress? Did people see it? Was it loud enough that people heard? What did you husband do/say? I hope for your sake it was at the end of the wedding and that it didn't stain your dress! Hope you had the opportunity to go and change your underwear or clean up right after! Definite FYL!

isaiahmoon75 10

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Sunday 1 March 2015 0:12

Hope you were not wearing white!

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Sunday 1 March 2015 2:20

Not any more

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Sunday 1 March 2015 0:13

at least later in the future, you and your spouse can laugh about it

sicksadworld1317 30

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Sunday 1 March 2015 0:14

I hope the dress was ok! If it had lots of layers in the skirt it may have survived. In time, this is one you and your new hubby or wife will look back on and laugh at. It's nice to have a nice wedding- but even if the wedding goes wrong, it's the marriage that counts :)