Intimacy: Today, I sent a kinky text message to my boyfriend. Within minutes... - FML

By ohtheshame

Today, I sent a kinky text message to my boyfriend. Within minutes I got a reply of 'whoever this is, fuck off and give my girlfriend's phone back.' Apparently I'm so bad at writing sexy messages that my boyfriend thought it was a prank from someone who'd stolen my phone. FML

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Messed up

On a leash

Thanks for the support

By GlassJAwkidE - United States

Today, I learned there is a taste difference between grabbing a glass of milk that has been sitting on your night table for a week and the one you put on there 3 minutes before. FML

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By alicia75 - United States - Elkhart

Today, my teacher told us at least 7 different stories about his cat, Jeremy, and how much he eats. And he wonders why we never get anything done in his class. FML

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By allinicolesmh - United States

Today, my dad said he can't go to my graduation because he has to work. He got fired a month ago. FML

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By Max - United States - Bluffton

Today, I tried to grab a coffee at the McDonald's drive-thru on my way home from work, but as I drove away from the restaurant a kid darted across the parking lot right in front of me. I had to slam hard on my brakes to avoid hitting him, in the process spilling my hot coffee all over my jeans. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to spend £200 at the dentist for fillings and repairs to my teeth. Why do I need them? Because I'm stressed about money and grind my teeth in the night because of it. FML

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By dm206 - United States

Today, I decided that I was going to get my front license plate put back on my car after two years of having it off. In these two years I somehow never got pulled over for it, as it is illegal to drive without one in MD. On my way there, I got pulled over for not having a front license plate. FML

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By SleepyKirsty - United Kingdom

Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Yikes!

Today, I talked to my boyfriend's dad for the first time. One of the first things that he said to me was, "So, I hear you're a screamer." FML

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By Tom

Today, after setting up surveillance in my front yard to see whose dog keeps crapping on my lawn, I finally caught the culprit on film. It was my heroin addict neighbour. FML

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By jimmy_poison - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, my date bumped into her ex-husband, who decided to join us for the rest of the dinner. FML

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By Flippy - United States

Today, at work, I was reprimanded for not engaging with customers enough. In an effort to be more friendly, I complimented the next customer on her interesting accent. Turns out it was from a stroke she had last year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking at the annoucements in the newspaper and find out that my boyfriend of the past 6 years is supposed to be married in 2 days to what I thought was his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By nobleach - United States

Red alert

Today, I was going to bleach my bikini line, as I have not been able to shave there due to some ingrown hairs, and I also have to lifeguard every day. As it turns out, I'm allergic to the bleach. There is now an angry red, burning rash on my crotch that you can see around my swimsuit. FML

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By Happy 20th! - United States

Today, it's my 20th birthday! Happy birthday to me! My boyfriend threw a beer can through my back wind-shield after breaking up with me. FML

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By lolreturn - United States

Today, I grabbed the nearest plastic bag in my bedroom when my boyfriend and I left for Wal-Mart so I could return a pair of shorts. When the cashier dumped the contents of the bag onto the counter at customer service, my shorts and a used condom fell out. It was the longest return of my life. FML

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By Anna - Estonia

Today, I woke up with a high fever and hallucinations. I called for my mother, who after checking me, swore that I was just hungover from a night of partying, called me a "f*cking hedonist", and refused to help. FML

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By boopingsnoot

Today, while working at the vet, we had a familiar little dog show up for a minor procedure. The dog always sits on its owner's lap on the drive over, and always gets peed on. Not talking about dog pee. And we're not allowed to bathe it because that service costs extra. FML

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By XxDanno316xX - United States

Today, I was training a new person. The job included driving around the city all day, during which she decided to hang her head out the window and bark like a dog. I spent an 8 hour shift with her. FML

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By trashcanned - United States

Today, it was really windy and rainy causing me to trip and knock into a little kid. While still gathering myself, I apologized and patted the kid on its' head. Then I see people around me starting to laugh. I turn and look at the kid, and discover I've been interacting with a trash can. FML

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By grossed out - United States - Mount Prospect

Today, I was at my aunt and uncle's house. I went to the bathroom and after I washed my hands, I took a Q-tip out of the carton to clean my ears. When I reached for a second one, I noticed that every Q-tip in the carton was actually already used. FML

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By LAXsucks - United States

Today, I was flying home from LAX when I realized I left my ID back at the hotel. After making phone calls to the hotel and rental car company, I found it and made it back to the airport in time for my flight. After going through security, I realized I left my cell phone on the hotel counter. FML

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By whatever - United States

Today, I was on a third date with a girl. Things had been going really well. At one point, the conversation lulled. After a moment of silence, she asked me what my greatest fantasy was. I told her that it was being a superhero. She told me that she meant sexual fantasy. I'm 25. FML

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By grandpa porn

Today, while I was walking to the kitchen, I heard someone on the TV moaning. As I made my way down the stairs, I saw my grandfather quickly change the channel and lean forward. I'm 90% sure I caught my grandpa watching porn. FML

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By justwantsomeillusionofjustice - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, I stumbled across my school bully on Facebook. She's a successful business owner and engaged to be married. I can't land a job and am hopelessly single. The b***h that served as the catalyst for my depression and suffered no repercussions is getting married on my birthday. FML

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By fmlimoverit - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me because he felt "our religious differences kept us apart." We've never talked about anything religious. Ever. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up excited to go trick-or-treating, the treat being candy. Instead, my town has officially postponed Halloween due to blackouts. I guess this is where the trick comes in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home with my dad after buying a new truck. We were on the freeway and the engine wasn't revving up very much. My dad thought that something was wrong with my transmission, so he reached over to change gears. Most cars won't go into reverse at high speeds. Mine does. FML

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By MommaAnnie - United States - Overland Park

Today, I learned my husband has what he calls "grumpy wife sex" specifically to cheer me up. I don't know if I'm more annoyed that he casually mentioned it after we've been together for 10 years, or that it actually works. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2021 08:01

This Charming Man

Today, I met what I thought was a decent guy, via an introduction by my pregnant friend. She's dating his brother. The guy was dropping my friend and me off, but on the way out of the door he slapped her on the butt and smiled. FML

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By PureFallPain

He may be disappointed

Today, I am Catfishing a guy on Twitter. I didn't mean to start it, I had an account I use to vent with and I used a pic with a cute girl. He sent me a DM that he liked my pic. He wants to talk on the phone. We have fallen for each other. He thinks, I am 18. I am a 39 year old single mother of 3 kids. FML

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By socianx - Albania

Today, I was to give a business report to several important shareholders. Right at the start, I broke into a coughing fit, then got so nervous that I froze up. When I tried to excuse myself, I tripped over my own feet. I'm now facing demotion for making the company look bad. FML

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By unlucky - United States - Wheeling

Today, I came home from a four month stay in Africa, where I managed to avoid suffering any serious illness. Some hours after my first meal back at home, I got food poisoning. FML

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By Savannah - United States - Spring Hill

Today, I went to the doctor for a suspicious lump under my armpit, so he suggested a breast examination. While pressing all over them he said : "We're gonna have to send you for an X-ray because you have the most lumpy breasts I've ever felt in my life." FML

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By luvs2spooge89 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went on a run. Going a decent pace, I passed a woman walking her dog. I joked, "C'mon! Keep up!" Thirty feet later I stepped in mud, rolled my ankle and fell. The woman walked by as I lay in agony, and told me to keep up. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was rejected for a dream photography job that involves travelling all over the world, because according to the interviewer, half the photos in my nature portfolio were "blatantly photoshopped." I guess reality isn't realistic enough for some people. FML

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By bigmikenyc - United States

Today, I realized if you leave a can of soda in parked car during a heatwave it will explode all over everything. My car is like a human glue trap. FML

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By turnedoff - United States

Today, I kindly asked my boyfriend to shave his pubic hair to make oral sex more enjoyable for me. He declined, saying, "Think of it as flossing your teeth. I'm doing you a much needed favor." FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clermont

Today, I was given a lapdance by a pregnant stripper. FML

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By John - United States

Today, while walking home I was jumped by two guys, one of whom shouted, "You shouldn't have run your mouth off, Rick!" My name is John. Only after they repeatedly axe-kicked me in the chest did they realize their mistake. It now hurts to breathe. FML

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Top comments

By marinus_fml | 19

#2445626 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:25

It could have been worse. At least you didn't accidentally send it to his father.

By khaya | 9

#2445726 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:37

You should not start a kinky message with:
(a) I'm going to stab you.
(b) I am out buying a strap on.

COMMENTS

By massivelyskilled | 0

#2445601 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:24

first, and "YDI". Now, tell me what the fuck "OP" on fmylife means?!?!! Annoys me so badly!!!!

Reply

cloudy01 | 0

#2445628 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:26

Original post

Reply

marinus_fml | 19

#2445637 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:27

It means "Obviously Phucked"

By hellokat1 | 0

#2445608 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:24

Practice makes perfect! But seriously, how hard can it be?

Reply

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#2445746 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:41

I agree. I was really good at it at 13....:/

Reply

aussie_gemini | 5

#2445878 - Monday 2 May 2011 17:08

you were sending sexual texts at 13?

Reply

Hotlanta | 5

#2446045 - Monday 2 May 2011 17:37

well we know what #13 going to
be like when she gets older hahaha OWNED!

Reply

EverybodyHatesCh | 0

#2446152 - Monday 2 May 2011 18:02

hahaha!!! owned!!!! ooooooo!!

Reply

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#2446228 - Monday 2 May 2011 18:20

Looks like Freshpie's is talking from experience.

Reply

ydi_4_suking | 20

#2446268 - Monday 2 May 2011 18:26

freshpie must be from the era when everyone was sexually frustrated

Reply

spearhead | 5

#2446477 - Monday 2 May 2011 19:15

you mean THIS era??

Reply

xtacticalswarmx | 0

#2446909 - Monday 2 May 2011 20:57

*coughhoecough* -.-

Reply

xtacticalswarmx | 0

#2446920 - Monday 2 May 2011 20:59

#13 That is. sorry for the mixup.

Reply

jayalexander | 7

#2447195 - Monday 2 May 2011 22:47

dang I wish 13 was around when I was 13!

Reply

hellogoodbye1996 | 6

#2447719 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 0:12

I was good at it when I was 12 so I guess I beat her.

Reply

vistamar | 3

#2447992 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 1:02

That's what she said.

Reply

TheWindowLicker | 13

#2448056 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 1:08

Well that all depends on what you're referring to when you say "hard"...giggity

Reply

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#2448252 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 1:26

yeah I was, i got pressured into that stuff at 13, hense the :/ face. it was a big mistake that I regret. however I didn't have sex until a few years later

Reply

skaterpaige | 3

#2448640 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 2:07

WIN #13!! xD lmao!

Reply

SoccerRebel594 | 0

#2449445 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 3:57

Skaterpaife, please hush. thank you.

Reply

aussie_gemini | 5

#2449657 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 4:25

#83 how on earth are you good at sexting at 13 if 1, your pressured into it and 2, you've never had sex? lol

Reply

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#2449665 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 4:26

98 - it's called porn

Reply

hellogoodbye1996 | 6

#2449922 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 4:56

well 13 I do agree it is a. huge mistake in my life also. I'm waiting till I'm married though to have sex. definitely don't need anymore problems.

Reply

aussie_gemini | 5

#2449961 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 5:05

porn pressured you into it? lol

Reply

hellogoodbye1996 | 6

#2450081 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 5:25

no she was saying she new how to talk dirty because she watched porn and pretty much described what she saw. the boys pressured her into it

Reply

Freeze_fml | 16

#2451263 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 7:52

This thread is now about hoes sexting.

Reply

TheIrishJaneDoe | 8

#2451281 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 7:59

Aah, the ol' Freezerburn. It's good to be back.

Reply

aussie_gemini | 5

#2451317 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 8:14

thanks for clearing that up 105#

'that awkward moment when someone doesn't get sarcasm'

Reply

hellogoodbye1996 | 6

#2451650 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 9:57

wow! who even cares! I'm not following this thread anymore I'm just gonna live my life before I lose it like all of you guys have done.

Reply

WallyTheWombat | 0

#2453075 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 18:23

Apparently it wasn't that hard since he didn't start sexting back.

Reply

xtacticalswarmx | 0

#2455391 - Wednesday 4 May 2011 3:16

Aussie Gemini! win xD

Reply

horserider15 | 3

#2775900 - Tuesday 28 June 2011 3:32

a few years later wow that's I don't even have the right word to describe that

Reply

ScenicSubterfuge | 39

#5584187 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 4:33

No, Chris brown already did

By TroII | 0

#2445614 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:24

Wow that is sad stick to face to face.

Reply

emodude44 | 0

#2446104 - Monday 2 May 2011 17:51

Don't you mean thighs to thighs?

Reply

cassieeeeeee | 0

#2446956 - Monday 2 May 2011 21:07

haha

Reply

DelilahV | 0

#3477181 - Sunday 23 October 2011 18:12

At least he stood up for her...

By marinus_fml | 19

#2445626 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:25

It could have been worse. At least you didn't accidentally send it to his father.

Reply

kyanisaurus | 0

#2445777 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:48

kuz then it would have been "What time?"

Reply

theset3 | 0

#2445814 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:55

like every other story about bad texting on this site

Reply

morgan320 | 0

#2445839 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:58

I'm pretty sure that OP don't have her boyfriend's father's number on her phone.

Reply

Ukeee_X | 19

#2446301 - Monday 2 May 2011 18:35

I have my boyfriends mother..

Reply

bluegoldfish | 7

#2446351 - Monday 2 May 2011 18:52

i have my music teacher on my phone. which makes it pretty awkward when someone steals my phone and mass-texts inappropriate things to all my contacts...:

Reply

s3xymoma | 1

#2446358 - Monday 2 May 2011 18:53

haha

Reply

Riemurasia | 0

#2446714 - Monday 2 May 2011 20:04

I had that problem with accidentally sending it to my teacher instead of my ex..

Reply

dudeitsdanny | 9

#2446923 - Monday 2 May 2011 21:00

Solution: Date your teachers ;P

Reply

courtneycookie | 18

#5641077 - Saturday 24 August 2013 5:04

Or your father

By dpaul | 0

#2445632 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:26

i agree with #4, that woulda been worse

Reply

glitterme | 5

#2447092 - Monday 2 May 2011 21:56

what did u say

By YacL | 15

#2445665 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:31

I don't blame you. Some people are just awkward when it comes to that stuff. But yeah, at least you sent it to the right person.

By nickdunbar | 8

#2445676 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:33

fail....You need to talk like more them

Reply

BellaGoBoom | 6

#2445731 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:38

Yeah!
What?

Reply

Bassmasterclassi | 2

#2446108 - Monday 2 May 2011 17:53

less xbox and more reading will help you talk like them.

Reply

EatnBeef | 7

#2449523 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 4:08

I just lost 14 IQ points by reading your comment

By doom2 | 8

#2445708 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:36

kinky texts? how about you just say it in person :P

Reply

mabusoden | 0

#2445841 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:58

you cute. xD

Reply

johnson94 | 5

#2446136 - Monday 2 May 2011 17:59

Woah number 10, it looks like you attract 5 year olds lol

Reply

doom2 | 8

#2446172 - Monday 2 May 2011 18:08

oh shoot! D:

Reply

Death_From_Above | 0

#2446234 - Monday 2 May 2011 18:22

that kid likes them older women!

Reply

MissBunny25 | 0

#2446576 - Monday 2 May 2011 19:30

25 I have candy... would you like to see that inside of my van? Number 10 will be there. We're going to a pedo's anonymous meeting together >:D

By khaya | 9

#2445726 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:37

You should not start a kinky message with:
(a) I'm going to stab you.
(b) I am out buying a strap on.

Reply

DboyCorleone | 0

#2445806 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:54

This

Reply

T3P33_fml | 0

#2445812 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:54

that could work on me.. huum... my friend! *looks up while whistling*

Reply

enonymous | 8

#2446006 - Monday 2 May 2011 17:30

Whoa whoa whoa B is a good thing and A is a good thing only after she says B.

Reply

SoccerRebel594 | 0

#2449459 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 3:58

31 you make me lol

By HeavyMetalViking | 0

#2445754 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:42

YDI for using gay porn pickup lines on straight guys.

Reply

kyanisaurus | 0

#2445792 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:51

"Hey, wanna fist..." Oh god.