Animals: Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 458

You deserved it 121

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 188

You deserved it 1 602

11/11/2014 16:56

Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 880

You deserved it 5 133

There's no helping some people

Vulture

BO Central

Working conditions

By dripdripdrop - 26/01/2010 18:44

Today, it's raining at my work. Not outside, inside. Because our building's boiler broke and all the pipes are dripping with condensation. I have to sit at my desk under an umbrella to protect my laptop and desk phone. The HVAC company said, "Don't worry, this is normal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 229

You deserved it 2 153

Unloveable

By Grant Williams - 13/06/2021 01:01

Spicy

Today, I had a conversation with a girl on Tinder, for the third time this month. Just like the other two girls, she turned out to be a prostitute. Only prostitutes will give me the time of day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 801

You deserved it 153

31/12/2014 19:39

Today, I went to a club to celebrate New Year's Eve. A cute guy came up to me at the bar and asked my name. I thought my 8 year long dry spell was finally about to end. I smiled and said "Chrissy!" He said "That's a whore's name!" and wandered back off into the crowd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 444

You deserved it 3 541

09/02/2015 23:07

Today, I have spent so much time watching Scooby Doo with my son that I actually used the word "zoinks". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 473

You deserved it 5 770

01/02/2010 06:43

Today, it's officially been two weeks since I found out I have mono. It's also been two weeks since anyone has visited me, called me, or even emailed me. The real kicker? I'm now fired from my job because they can't believe I can have mono twice in one year. I guess I'm just lucky that way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 177

You deserved it 3 713

26/12/2014 21:54

Today, my little sister randomly came up to me and said: "Aww, don't be sad. Even ugly people can get boyfriends." She then smiled, patted my back, and walked off. I wasn't actually sad before, but I am now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 204

You deserved it 3 084

21/02/2009 23:15

Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 662

You deserved it 10 503

11/05/2016 02:12

Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 946

You deserved it 1 410

06/06/2013 12:38

Today, at the office, my most annoying client asked me to send her a document. I have now sent it to her over 5 times, in a different format each time, and every single time she replies with, "Not in the requested format". She won't tell me what the requested format is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 254

You deserved it 4 385

Road hog

By sin - 01/06/2021 04:01

Today, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t recognize a funeral procession when I see one. It just looks like a bunch of cars to me. I should probably get off the road for good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 566

You deserved it 263

20/07/2017 05:01

Today, I had to empty out my coin jar to pay for gas. Trying to be considerate, I only brought quarters, but the cashier refused to take it because they didn't want to count out my $10. I don't know how I'll get to work today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 336

You deserved it 458

25/09/2012 07:08

Today, I had to pay my manager $10 just to take my stalker's order so I didn't have to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 880

You deserved it 2 382

RIP

By MrsFart - 18/08/2018 01:30

Today, I thought I was all alone in the class, so I lifted up my leg and ripped a huge fart. One of my students was still in there. He told everybody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 558

You deserved it 1 712

05/05/2009 06:21

Today, I paid $60 for a haircut from a professional stylist, only to walk out looking like Spock from Star Trek. The worst part was the stylist asked me, "Hey, are you going to see that new Star Trek movie?" and tried to talk me into watching it. Now, wherever I go, people are giving me the 'live long and prosper' sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 626

You deserved it 9 432

10/06/2009 13:51

Spicy

Today, I was alone in my friend's kitchen. I had "Don't Cha" stuck in my head all day so I decided to let it out by doing a slutty dance, including spinning around the support pole in the kitchen. I heard a noise outside and saw my friend's dad had been cleaning the windows. With a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 174

You deserved it 61 779

14/07/2013 10:41

Spicy

Today, while on the airplane, the cute girl next to me and I instantly hit it off. When I excused myself to the bathroom, I must have given her the wrong impression. She wanted to join the mile high club; I just wanted to take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 023

You deserved it 13 642

Our soul

By baddream - 30/11/2020 05:01

Today, at my grandmother's funeral I tried my hardest not to cry, only allowing tears to fall and not making any noise, to be respectful at her funeral. Afterwards, my mother tells my father that I didn't cry, which obviously meant that I didn't love my grandmother and had no soul. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 900

You deserved it 4 731

17/12/2015 02:47

Today, I was at an amusement park with friends. We wanted to get a picture of all four of us, so we asked a nice-looking man to take it for us on my brand-new iPhone 6s. He took something. Unfortunately, it wasn't a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 166

You deserved it 7 495

19/09/2010 00:36

Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen. In a church. During my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 342

You deserved it 3 123

22/12/2014 06:25

Today, since it's company policy, I had to go to the back of my small store to retrieve an item for a customer, even though I was working by myself. I came back to find that since she couldn't get into the cash register, she found and stole my purse instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 333

You deserved it 3 412

19/01/2013 23:35

Today, I woke up following one of the worst nightmares of my life. I was sweating, clutching the sheets, and feeling sick to the stomach. I'd been dreaming of my wedding that's taking place next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 752

You deserved it 7 142

13/02/2017 22:00

Spicy

Today, I noticed my doctor has freakishly huge hands. This normally wouldn't have bothered me were I not there for a prostate exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 806

You deserved it 521

11/03/2009 03:16

Today, I decided to get dressed up for school because it's my birthday. I was heading to class in my heels. Then, I rolled my ankle, fell down the muddy hill, pulled a leg muscle, and scratched up my knees. At least ten people saw it. I was wearing a white skirt. Happy Birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 037

You deserved it 15 110

First Dates

By mildver - 20/04/2009 04:51

Today, I went to a date with a girl I thought liked me. We sat down at a restaurant, ordered some food and started talking. After 30 minutes, she said with a sigh of relief, "THANK GOD! There's my dad. Now I can leave. Bye, thanks for the dinner." The food hadn't even arrived yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 357

You deserved it 4 564

30/07/2009 17:50

Today, I was at the doctors getting a pap smear and she asked if it was alright if a doctor in training could come in to observe. I was already laying on the table with my feet in the stirups so everything was in plain sight. When the man came in to observe I looked up to see my brother in law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 567

You deserved it 2 870

Smells like victory

By Lucas - 14/12/2020 13:02

Spicy

Today, during oral sex, my wife squirted, which she’s never done before, and I was so surprised I accidentally breathed it straight up my nose. It’s been 3 hours and it’s still all I can smell FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 104

You deserved it 337

Are you a wizard?

By elaine - 02/02/2021 21:01

Today, I tried to prove a point to my six-year-old son who refuses to drink water from the kitchen sink in favor of from the bathroom faucet. I filled up two cups, one with the kitchen water and another with the bathroom water, thinking he wouldn’t tell the difference. He gagged on the kitchen water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 325

You deserved it 833

07/06/2012 23:09

Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 470

You deserved it 2 532

23/01/2009 17:31

Today, at lunch, I told a bunch of people how I had been in love with this guy since freshman year. I made a bunch of jokes about how I was going to marry him and our kids would be so attractive. He was at the table next to mine and looked back at me as soon as I finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 110

You deserved it 18 257

08/06/2011 06:55

Today, my husband and I got married. The only thing that is different so far is that he now thinks that it's okay to shit with the door open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 946

You deserved it 8 701

17/09/2009 10:57

Today, I pulled someone over for speeding. He was only 10 over the speed limit so I gave him an $84 fine. It turns out he is a workplace Occupational Health and Safety officer and because I wasn't wearing my high visibilty vest while standing on the side of the road he gave me a $250 fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 623

You deserved it 85 826

28/06/2016 10:34

Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some cocoa powder in my nose. Now it feels like my nose is burning stronger than the fires of hell. On the bright side, everything smells like chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 589

You deserved it 1 082

Snowflakes

By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 10:58

Today, I bumped my head on a tool box. When it happened, I yelled, "Fuck." I got fired from my job for cussing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 931

You deserved it 223

Getting through this

By Anonymous - 14/06/2021 13:01

Today, just three weeks after my wife died, I received a substantial life insurance payment. Do I laugh or cry? FML

I agree, your life sucks 985

You deserved it 92

09/12/2016 21:48

Today, a client says his new website design isn't what he expected at all and wants a full refund or else he will sue me in court. The design is exactly what he picked out when I presented the mock-ups. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 211

You deserved it 505

07/08/2010 06:06

Today, my boyfriend of one year told me not to walk beside him because people might "think we're together". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 681

You deserved it 5 706

20/10/2010 16:14

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed with a pedestal fan on facing us when my boyfriend sneezed. Where did he sneeze? Into the fan, which then sprayed it all over my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 228

You deserved it 3 952

26/05/2016 19:55

Today, the management office of my apartment building announced it will be keeping packages in the office until you can pick them up. They also posted new hours. There will be someone in the office once a week, for two hours only. I work those two hours, every single week. No more mail for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 626

You deserved it 844

13/04/2009 23:27

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was playing with his little sister by grabbing her arms and spinning her around. On one turn, she started screaming in pain. It turns out I dislocated both her shoulders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 646

You deserved it 69 398

Indifference

By Anonymous - 03/05/2020 17:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me having phone sex with another guy. He either didn't notice or didn't care. FML

I agree, your life sucks 487

You deserved it 4 865

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Tuesday 11 November 2014 23:52

Oh that's nasty.

Bloodcalibur 13

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Tuesday 11 November 2014 23:55

Time to burn down the house. No other options.

Comments

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Tuesday 11 November 2014 23:52

Oh that's nasty.

corporatescoundr 25

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 0:08

Yeah... Probably the only thing I think nastier than pulling thick hair out of a drain...

Diarrhea_Volcano 29

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 2:41

If that happens, you run.

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 4:40

This is absolutely HILARIOUS!

niftyhasdelulz 12

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 5:55

The first thing I thought of when I read the first half of the sentence of this FML was 'the grudge'. That movie has ruined me.

siggy_mcsigx 22

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 7:52

43 The Grudge definitely came to mind!

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 10:07

Reading this FML give me the chills from head to toe

evilamoebaattack 20

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 10:16

how not The Ring???

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 23:46

Supernasty those roaches. Hope you squashed it

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Thursday 13 November 2014 2:39

Haha! I read your comment in Cleveland's voice.

niftyhasdelulz 12

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Sunday 16 November 2014 8:30

#55 because The Ring isnt half as scary.

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Tuesday 11 November 2014 23:53

If only it were a hair.

redstone7693 29

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 15:10

did anyone else think of the grudge when they first started reading?

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 20:32

yes^

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Tuesday 11 November 2014 23:53

dead or alive?

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 12:49

Alive. The flying type.

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Tuesday 11 November 2014 23:54

I squirmed at the thought of it. FYL

Bloodcalibur 13

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Tuesday 11 November 2014 23:55

Time to burn down the house. No other options.

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 0:11

100% agree

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 0:52

And the whole block. Just for good measure. Better safe than sorry

thespiantess 18

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 1:04

Stuff like this is what atomic bombs were made for.

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 1:16

Nope. They'll survive the radiation. Jeez, haven't you watched ANY post apocalyptic movies?

DiamondGirlj 18

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 3:39

Maybe burn the state down.... You know, you don't want Any more nasties

skittycat213 19

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 21:11

And send reinforcements to mars! Thank you Terra Formars

GRubi 17

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Tuesday 11 November 2014 23:55

I hope THAT didn't come from your sister.

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Tuesday 11 November 2014 23:57

Oh god haha I feel sorry for you.

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 0:03

Holy sheez that gave me the heebyyy jeeebyyyys ewwwwww lol

enddmd 27

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 0:04

I'm curious as to why OP had to point out a single hair in the drain to his sister. Women's hairs go down drains all the time; you cannot prevent it.

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 0:07

Right. I know from experience that women's hair always ends up in drains and pile up.

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 0:13

Men's hairs, by contrast only go down the drain sometimes and can be prevented.

Im2Shy 16

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Wednesday 12 November 2014 0:10

Reading this honesty made me cringe and hold back vomit. Sorry op but this is like a horror movie to me, cockroaches and worms are two things I'm VERY afraid of.

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Friday 14 November 2014 4:06

I like how you're getting downvotes for no reason. Lol. FML is harsh. I did something similar once when I was ten, thought there was a hair in my sink drain, then realised it was a roach as I pulled it out. Cried and made my dad kill it. I feel your grossed out vibes, hahah.