Miscellaneous: Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew...

By Username

Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew up. FML

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Miscellaneous

All over the place

Keep the peace

Keys, how do they work?

By Unemployed - United States

Today, while reading over my sent application email to a job I have been trying to get, I found out my brother had put "Heil Hitler!" as my signature. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ellicott City

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME LIKE A TURKEY!" I couldn't finish. FML

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64505

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By "BunnysKitty"

Today, per my boyfriend's request, I bought some lingerie. He got so excited when he saw me, he ripped it off me right away. After we were done he used it to clean up. I essentially bought a $40 cum rag. FML

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4911

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By Anonymous - Ukraine - Kiev

Today, my friends told me they have been able to see all my BDSM likes in their Facebook feeds. My family and coworkers also follow me. FML

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9481

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By wookieewhosshe

Today, it's the first day in 3 weeks that I'm in my flat after 7 a.m. due to a very busy work schedule. I was looking forward to a Saturday lie-in. Also today, my flatmate's alarm clock went off loudly from 7:30 to 10:30. He's in another country and his door is locked. Bye bye lie-in. FML

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1775

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117

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By shoelace18 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old swallowed her loose tooth, which she was going put under her pillow for the toothfairy. My wife then told her 'what goes in must come out'. And now everytime she does number 2, she makes me dig for her lost tooth. FML

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48786

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By whykarma - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my German Shepherd decided to bark at, then attack, a painted rock. At least I know I'm protected from inanimate objects. FML

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31821

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By flop of shame

Today, I was walking into work holding a coffee and a bunch of other things. My employee saw me and held the door. I was almost there when I dropped my coffee, tried to catch it, tripped over the curb and fell flat on my face. I heard the door close while still lying there. FML

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1510

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167

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By "Sam Fazackerley"

What a shame!

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet while sitting on it using the phone, I have a stomach bug and diarrhea. FML

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1549

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By evilsandwich - Canada - London

Today, after house-sitting for a week, I came home to find the house in which I rent a basement suite has all but burned to the ground. My landlord didn't even bother to tell me about the fire. FML

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34881

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By Anonymous - United States - Newburyport

Today, after a snowstorm my son decided that boarding off the roof onto my truck would be fun. My truck now has a puncture wound. The same truck that drove him to the hospital for his puncture wound and broken arm. FML

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20819

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that when I got my driver's permit, I agreed to be the designated driver for my family. FML

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27275

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4223

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By latino - United States

Today, at the Museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML

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11498

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By Charity - United States

Slashing Prices Left and Right!

Today, I tutored a kid for two hours, for $25 an hour. When it came time for them to pay, my mother told the kid's parents that they could give me ten bucks for the whole thing. She does this a lot. FML

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7019

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737

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a minor outpatient procedure that required sedation. I am not supposed to drive or even be alone for 24 hours. My husband wouldn't take the day off to go with me, and instead of coming home from work, he is at the bar with his coworkers. FML

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34962

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By FML FML FML!!

Today, we had to do a scene from Romeo and Juliet. I was Romeo, and this really pretty girl was Juliet. When she found out she was with me, I heard her say "FML." FML

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1936

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148

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By jen - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a couple of friends and one of them tells a funny story about how he filled a condom with syrup and put it in his friend's mouth while he was asleep. Me with my big mouth starts to say, "Condoms taste na--" and stopped myself as everyone started laughing at me. FML

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7708

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27750

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By ExtemelyBroke - United States

Today, I checked my bank account that i've been saving money in since I was a kid for college. I have $100 left out of the $10,000 I had last month. Apparently my parents thought buying a pool and an HDTV for themselves was more important than my college education. FML

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130879

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6420

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By Geckosrock99

Today, my iguana tried to eat my hand. Taking that as a sign of being hungry, I gave him a bowl of fruits and veggies. After he finished the bowl, he tried to eat my hand again. My iguana's an asshole. FML

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13202

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1817

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By Bun - 11/10/2020 23:01 - United States - Baltimore

Pants on fire

Today, I found out that while I was attending AA meetings to help understand how to help my boyfriend of 7 years when he got back from rehab, that he was not in rehab at all. He was on vacation. With his wife. FML

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1468

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138

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By fuckMYlife94321 - United States

Today, I was taking a nap while my mom was at work. I woke up when she came home and didn't think anything of it so I went back to sleep. When I woke up again, I went downstairs and our 52" plasma screen TV, my xbox 360, and $1500 computer were all stolen. I'm guessing that wasn't my mom. FML

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63754

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

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65627

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4097

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I saw a drunk guy hitting on a girl sitting alone at the bar. She insisted that her boyfriend was there, but he didn't relent. So I went over and put my arm around her and asked "Who's this guy?" He walked away, but then I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was her boyfriend. He broke my arm. FML

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84476

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2020 02:00

It found you

Today, a dog came up to me while I was sitting on my porch. I used my belt as a leash to go try to find its owner. After an hour of looking in the rain, I gave up and let it go. Now I'm back in my house and it won't stop pawing and barking at my door. It's 3:00 a.m. FML

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1135

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1001

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By Anonymous - United States - Bloomfield

Are you OK?

Today, I walked in on my brother trying to stick his knob into a cola bottle. FML

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15773

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By Carowl

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML

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24130

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2882

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By Noname - United States

Today, my Christian boyfriend of six months broke up with me. I had told him when we started dating that I was an atheist, and he just now decided to look up what it is. He gave me a bible. FML

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76697

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By angry asthmatic - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, we had an emergency lockdown in my gym class. As a result, we had to go into the boys' locker room, so naturally, it smelled like a fart in there. Some dumbass had a "brilliant" idea to spray a WHOLE FUCKING CAN OF AXE SPRAY in the locker room. I have asthma. FML

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2410

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212

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at my job as a dental assistant and I was told to take an X-ray of a woman's teeth. As soon as I put the foam piece into her mouth, she projectile-vomited all over me and the floor. I had just started my 5-hour shift. FML

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1773

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267

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By aaaaahhhh - Australia - Chatswood

Today, as a learner driver, I embarked on my longest drive ever: back home, from Sydney to Melbourne, which is around a 700km drive. I managed to get the whole way without any problems. I crashed into my driveway. FML

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42737

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7504

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By fmlgirl - Netherlands - Hulst

Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML

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43894

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By CollegeKid - United States - Urbana

Today, I found out all six classes I'm taking have finals on the same day. This is my first semester in college. FML

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26156

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By xXx - United States

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a funny prank to put duct tape on my eyes while I was sleeping so that when I woke up, I would be blind. I have no more eyelashes. FML

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43241

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By Anonymous - United States - Ridgewood

Today, I saw a homeless man on the street and decided to give him the dollar bill I had left in my wallet. He said "Thank you" then as I turned to walk away, he muttered "Cheap-ass cunt". FML

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16025

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1502

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By Anonymous

Today, I dyed my hair for the first time. It turned out great, and I couldn't wait to show it off during my night out with my friends. Everyone was so shocked or disgusted, I ended up claiming I lost a bet. FML

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13342

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

Today, I finally got proof of my theory when the dog came downstairs at 2 in the morning, looked me dead in the eye, pissed on the rug and took my socks before disappearing back upstairs. FML

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40474

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By spoony - Australia

Today, while on a date with the guy of my dreams, I cut my tongue so bad it bled for an hour. I managed to cut it on the plastic spoon from my coffee. FML

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24330

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had a chest x-ray. I thought everything was okay, that is until the tech gasped slightly and muttered, "Mother of God." I asked him what was wrong, and he kept insisting he had no idea what I was talking about. Now I'm so upset I can't even sleep. FML

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34962

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2452

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By wastedlove - United States

Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27981

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By CityGirl - United States

Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML

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46449

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Top comments

By hockeyrocks39 | 0

#2572639 - Friday 27 May 2011 8:38

That's why you shouldn't have a meth lab in your kitchen.

By redbluegreen | 40

#2572635 - Friday 27 May 2011 8:38

Sounds like a blast.

COMMENTS

By rups | 0

#2572612 - Friday 27 May 2011 8:33

lol you should have been more careful...

canttouchthis90 | 0

#2572706 - Friday 27 May 2011 8:48

woohoo fireworks at home. celebrating aren't we?

NYC_Yoshi | 3

#2573079 - Friday 27 May 2011 11:45

aww, is that your maltese, #1?

Tcaret300 | 12

#2573352 - Friday 27 May 2011 12:57

NYC that little Maltese is pretty darn cute and i live in nj, I guess when I turn 18 I'll have to go visit that little dog haha.

FarSide | 22

#2573580 - Friday 27 May 2011 14:21

You have GOT to stop your mother from putting the silverware in the microwave!

LolMoqz | 10

#2573752 - Friday 27 May 2011 15:25

44 - it was a stove.

Uncle_Moe_Lester | 3

#2574119 - Friday 27 May 2011 17:39

44 wrong Fml

ERich331 | 3

#2575002 - Friday 27 May 2011 21:36

at least there were fireworks..

Jonscarl | 0

#2575386 - Friday 27 May 2011 23:17

I bet it was an electric stove and the element broke. happened to mine on Christmas while we were cooking the dinner

rups | 0

#2576967 - Saturday 28 May 2011 4:41

34 yup it is...

lilcec76 | 0

#2658374 - Saturday 11 June 2011 5:28

what does OP mean????

lilcec76 | 0

#2658377 - Saturday 11 June 2011 5:28

what does OP mean????

yojo62 | 5

#2856428 - Saturday 9 July 2011 18:17

cause baby your a firework

By redbluegreen | 40

#2572635 - Friday 27 May 2011 8:38

Sounds like a blast.

chewbacca69 | 0

#2572949 - Friday 27 May 2011 9:54

lamest pun ever

jerseyboy732 | 16

#2572966 - Friday 27 May 2011 10:01

win

redbluegreen | 40

#2573027 - Friday 27 May 2011 10:41

Says the fourteen year old using the unfortunate username "chewbacca69".

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#2573035 - Friday 27 May 2011 10:59

Lame name.

pulse18 | 2

#3790939 - Monday 26 December 2011 21:54

That's what happens when you put fireworks in your oven.

pulse18 | 2

#3790940 - Monday 26 December 2011 21:54

That's what happens when you put fireworks in your oven.

By hockeyrocks39 | 0

#2572639 - Friday 27 May 2011 8:38

That's why you shouldn't have a meth lab in your kitchen.

AlterrOnmi | 0

#2574152 - Friday 27 May 2011 18:02

Then where should I put it? Rhetorically speaking of course.

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2576680 - Saturday 28 May 2011 3:28

that wasn't funny at all I'm sorry

hockeyrocks39 | 0

#2577100 - Saturday 28 May 2011 5:12

54 See if you can gather enough supplies and put it in your jail cell. Do it just like last time so you can be a Darwin Award...

Scoty12C | 6

#2577112 - Saturday 28 May 2011 5:14

4- Your pic is ridiculously homosexual and I hate seeing your comments. Nonetheless, I shan't keep you from it. Good day.

thatsracist | 0

#2581575 - Sunday 29 May 2011 0:00

lol

Lucidium | 0

#3320081 - Wednesday 21 September 2011 4:27

I LOVE SMART GIRLS.

By ladiesman219 | 4

#2572643 - Friday 27 May 2011 8:39

homemade fireworks!?!? :D

missyvee | 0

#2573957 - Friday 27 May 2011 16:14

Winning!

By DizzyDaydreams | 1

#2572649 - Friday 27 May 2011 8:40

So did your house blow up too? I'm pretty sure the neighborhood would have enjoyed.

By tree07 | 1

#2572671 - Friday 27 May 2011 8:43

A little early for fireworks isnt it op?

By ILoveEggnog | 7

#2572677 - Friday 27 May 2011 8:44

Stick to sandwiches. You don't need the stove for those.

HeavyScout | 0

#2572715 - Friday 27 May 2011 8:49

Vant a sandvich OP?

enonymous | 8

#2572968 - Friday 27 May 2011 10:04

Fuck that I want a panini. if I could I'd have a panini machine next to my bed but I learned a lesson from Michael Scott and a George Foreman grill.

NYC_Yoshi | 3

#2573085 - Friday 27 May 2011 11:46

TFC >>>>>>>> TF2

By HeavyScout | 0

#2572687 - Friday 27 May 2011 8:45

Fail.

By mercuryburst | 0

#2572690 - Friday 27 May 2011 8:46

Lucky....

By WordSmyth | 2

#2572742 - Friday 27 May 2011 8:54

Dyn-o-mite! Your cooking must be the bomb!