Kids: Today, I saw a blond-haired guy crouched by my bike fiddling... - FML

By BikerBuddy - France

Today, I saw a blond-haired guy crouched by my bike fiddling with something as I came back from the shop. Thinking he was a thief, I slammed him across the head with my helmet, knocked him over - then I realised not only was he a kid barely in his teens, he was tying his shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8767

You deserved it

46148

Tweet

Share

And today, on Dr Phil…

Vulture

All over the place

By teea - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, my boyfriend and I cleaned his parents' whole house while they were out, just to be nice. When they came home, they assumed we only did it because we'd made some huge mess that we needed to hide. I'm now banned from their house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29367

You deserved it

2551

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm in the hospital because I sliced my leg open. Why? I jumped off my bed and scratched myself on the metal bed frame when Miss America was crowned to Miss Virginia. I'm 20 years old, and a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9440

You deserved it

34486

Tweet

Share

By offrampmotel

Today, my 4-year-old son discovered that he really likes masturbating. So much in fact, that he took pictures of it with my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6232

You deserved it

694

Tweet

Share

By FamilySecret - United States

Today, while at my boyfriends place, I thought I would be nice by folding his laundry and putting it away since he was working late. I opened his sock drawer and sitting on top was a photo of his mother, naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58690

You deserved it

4789

Tweet

Share

By stupidpolicia - Brazil

Today, the gas station right in front of my apartment had people listening to loud music all night. I have this 3 hour test at 7:30am and didn't get any sleep. Worst of all, here in Brazil, calling the police won't help a thing. Instead of actually helping, they'll stop and join the party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43707

You deserved it

3316

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44852

You deserved it

8420

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, I woke up to a mouse sitting on my pillow and chewing on my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40533

You deserved it

3712

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46423

You deserved it

5859

Tweet

Share

By Lvdkinda - United States

Dammit

Today, after a month of planning, I started to tease my boyfriend of 3 years about the wonderful anniversary plans I had made for us. It was a secret, so I let him try and guess. He said "As long as its not a spa day. that would suck I would never go." It's a spa day. That I've already paid for. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42262

You deserved it

26338

Tweet

Share

By stickyickystone

Today, I got my hand caught in a belt sander while sanding down what was supposed to become a "Caution" sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1550

You deserved it

333

Tweet

Share

By blue15564 - United States - Davenport

Today, my dad grounded me for not having any friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11292

You deserved it

1128

Tweet

Share

By phreshrice - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because apparently I need to "grow up". He is the one who plays excesive Call of Duty and still has Pokémon and Bionicles in his room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64863

You deserved it

22493

Tweet

Share

By Gayer men’s team

Go Team!

Today, I was sexting my girlfriend when I accidentally sent one to my swim team’s group chat. This means that 19 men got a picture of me flexing with everything on display. Worst part? I got more compliments from them than I ever got from my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3710

You deserved it

1314

Tweet

Share

By inpuredeceit - United States

Today, I finished and turned in the last of the seventeen major projects for the company I work for. As I was walking out of my boss's office, I hear her ask her assistant "She finished everything we didn't want to do, can we fire her now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

40770

You deserved it

3104

Tweet

Share

By photomark - United States

Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10484

You deserved it

36914

Tweet

Share

By owie - Canada

Today, after breaking my leg, I'm unable to put any weight on it whatsoever. Our bedroom? Upstairs. Our only bathroom? Basement. My husband thought it would be a great idea to leave me alone and unable to walk to go babysit his nieces. I had to piss in a bucket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1613

You deserved it

205

Tweet

Share

By Imgonnahaveabf - United States

Today, my parents got a new dog. It attacks me every time I laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32320

You deserved it

3590

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé ended our engagement, saying he wanted to have "one last quickie" for the road. He saw nothing wrong with that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35892

You deserved it

4019

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United Kingdom - Lancaster

Today, whilst laying in bed with my girlfriend, she received a flirty message from her ex on her phone asking if she wanted to go to the cinema. She replied, knowing I could see the screen. The messages were signed with a love heart and about 15 kisses. She claims they are still just friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35865

You deserved it

3968

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the same police officer who has arrested me twice has been sleeping with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

82303

You deserved it

7541

Tweet

Share

By Elise - United States

Today, my boyfriend figured out that he can bounce small things off of my boobs, and has been doing it every time I look away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28413

You deserved it

4550

Tweet

Share

By cls_x - United States - Riverview

Today, I was holding the door open for a friend. She told me to wait a second because she had to finish a text. Nearly a minute passed before I asked why she wouldn't come inside to finish typing. We were at a Chinese restaurant. She thought the "No MSG" sign meant you couldn't text inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37322

You deserved it

4003

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 14:00

I've been… held up

Today, I was finally able to see my gran for the first time since lockdown. She told me off for not visiting sooner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1265

You deserved it

119

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Bethlehem

Today, I tried having some girl time with my mom so I could sneakily figure out what to get her for her birthday. All I could think of in the end was a time machine, after her rant about wishing she'd gotten her tubes tied rather than going through the stress of raising me and my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12924

You deserved it

930

Tweet

Share

By CP slave - United States

Entitled

Today, a man yelled at me for what seemed like an eternity when I told him his child wasn't tall enough to ride a roller coaster. His daughter was about 3 years-old. The coaster is the second tallest in the world. I deal with morons like this every day, at minimum wage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1519

You deserved it

101

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went online to check my credit report. My credit report says that I am deceased, and have no rating. I'm at least 90% sure that this is not true. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42720

You deserved it

2578

Tweet

Share

By ThatsIncentive - United States - Granite Bay

Today, I stooped to pick up an earring back off the ground. It was actually a spider. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6886

You deserved it

1113

Tweet

Share

By denae92

Great timing

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my boyfriend that I love him. We've been dating almost a year and in a few days we will be moving into the same apartment building and attending the same college. He said, "I'm sorry, I don't feel the same way." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1761

You deserved it

190

Tweet

Share

By interviewed - United States

Today, I went to an interview for a job I really wanted and am qualified for. I've been looking for months. This job was perfect; close to home and great pay. Needless to say I spent quite a while preparing. Everything was going great until I had to sneeze, which forced out a loud, long fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50657

You deserved it

4162

Tweet

Share

By 1378 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my sister why it's unhygienic, socially unacceptable and downright inappropriate to apply Thrush ointment in the lounge room. I realised I wasn't getting through to her when she called me ''Uptight,'' ''Victorian" and ''prudish'' to name a few. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21101

You deserved it

2964

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/5/2020 17:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, my boss gave me attitude for not going to back to work this Friday. I'm a massage therapist and where I live, it's currently illegal to practice during the pandemic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1605

You deserved it

141

Tweet

Share

By ewwww - United States - Monroe

Today, I went to the doctor for the constant pain I have when eating savory or sour foods. It turns out I have a stone in my saliva gland, and no joke, the only thing I can do to fix it is eat savory or sour food to make me drool enough to force it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6632

You deserved it

407

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Montreal

On the down low

Today, at work, my buddy pulled up in his car. I handed him $40, and he handed me a bag. It must have looked like a drug deal, but he was actually just smuggling in the new Pokémon game for me. I'm 22, and a drug deal would probably have been less embarrassing to explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22795

You deserved it

7914

Tweet

Share

By fml9124 - 2/11/2020 08:08

Old lady hotline

Today, I called the Suicide hotline. I dialled the number wrong and woke some poor old lady. She thought I was her son and kept asking me, "How come you don't visit anymore?" I told her I couldn't visit because of the Covid pandemic. I lied to an elderly woman I've never met. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1050

You deserved it

160

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my adorable five and a half year old boy told me that when he grows up he's going to be my boyfriend. I thought it was kinda cute until I asked him why. "Because you need one." FML

I agree, your life sucks

71134

You deserved it

7271

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat tried to jump up to the window, and missed. This would have been hilarious if I had not been sleeping under that same window, and then caught him with my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41575

You deserved it

4774

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home through the middle of nowhere when a screw punctured my car tire. I arrived at the town's only auto shop to find that it had closed early. Frantic, I dialed the emergency number listed on the shop's locked door. On the other side of the glass, a phone began to ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53827

You deserved it

3596

Tweet

Share

By anonymous

Today, I found out that the fat sweaty guy at my job frequently uses my rub-on deodorant and puts it back in my drawer after he's done. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36280

You deserved it

3160

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my girlfriend made me a chocolate cake to try and cheer me after my dog died. My dog died because my dad fed him chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20231

You deserved it

1875

Tweet

Share

By Stellarum - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44541

You deserved it

4213

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By therevolution | 0

#993043 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:12

poor kid imagine the life he has from now on...everytime he bends over to tie his shoes he's gonna be all paranoid....0.o

By xSkyful | 0

#993015 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:05

YDI for not making sure

COMMENTS

By xSkyful | 0

#993015 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:05

YDI for not making sure

Reply

icecreammintz | 0

#2936068 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 8:22

WTF THAT WASNT ME!!!! wtf= wow thats fantastic

By DrDiamond | 0

#993019 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:05

your an asswhole poor kid

Reply

Takaishi | 0

#3326330 - Thursday 22 September 2011 3:58

[comment moderated]

By pertained | 12

#993022 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:06

think before you smash.

By sc95060sc | 0

#993026 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:07

hit him again, knocking him out, and bike off like hell

By gzmn91 | 6

#993030 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:09

Agreed with 1.
Complete idiot.
I hope you got what you deserved :)

By TheVanGirlsing | 0

#993032 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:09

OP you sound like a typical, beast like virgin. go get laid and loosen up a bit.

at first I was like 
then i was like 
now im 

By DrDiamond | 0

#993033 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:10

I meant asshole

Reply

reneekangaroo | 7

#4879323 - Friday 31 August 2012 6:16

Today I bent over to tie my shoe. Out of nowhere, this psycho comes and knocks me over by slamming a helmet on my head. FML

By pertained | 12

#993034 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:10

making a teen cry?

By FYMcNuggetts | 0

#993037 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:11

ween

By Nylecroc | 0

#993039 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:11

Did you yell out HULK SMASH! I would have