Today, I saw a blond-haired guy crouched by my bike fiddling... - FML

By BikerBuddy - France

Today, I saw a blond-haired guy crouched by my bike fiddling with something as I came back from the shop. Thinking he was a thief, I slammed him across the head with my helmet, knocked him over - then I realised not only was he a kid barely in his teens, he was tying his shoes. FML

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Instadrama

Walk on the wild side

I CAN HEAR YOU

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend went shopping at Victoria's Secret with me. While she was in the fitting room, her parents walked by and saw me. They don't approve of the store, so I panicked and told them I was considering becoming a woman. FML

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By S. Tucker - United States

Today, I learned how unhappy my husband is in our marriage. Apparently he also can't find a good woman. We didn't have a heart-to-heart, I read his woes in a blog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time ever, a woman saw my penis. I am 30 years old. The woman was my doctor. She snorted to cover a laugh and apologized. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I got my eyebrow pierced. By a fish hook. FML

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By halfmypaycheckgone - United States - Monroe

Today, a state trooper ticketed me after learning I was ticketed for the same offense an hour earlier, namely driving with a broken headlight. The good news is that both tickets will be dismissed if I go to court. The bad news is that I'd have to go to different courthouses at the same time of day. FML

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By oopsjsp90 - Australia

Today, I told a lady that came into my clothing store that I thought her abstract looking necklace was pretty. She responded, "Oh... Thats actually a pipe that goes into my lung." FML

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By yerface - United States

Today, I told my mom I was excited my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that that's what happens when you get fat. FML

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By darthinvader - United States

Today, I took some new allergy medicine I had never tried before, and I didn't bother reading the side effects. I then went to school. It was almost an hour before dismissal when I had felt a warm feeling on my legs. One of the side effects to my new medicine was bladder control problems. FML

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By dr.mantistobagon - United States - South Burlington

Today, it's been a few months since my grandfather passed away. Now all of his porn subscriptions are getting forwarded to my address. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents held an intervention for me. Apparently they think I'm turning into a goth. All because they saw me re-lacing my shoes with black shoelaces instead of white ones. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Reno

Today, at the age of 20, I still have a bed time. It is strictly enforced by my cat via endless meows if I am up past 11 pm. FML

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By Frustrated - United States - Tustin

Today, my neighbor's sons decided it would be funny to throw rocks at my house. I went outside to scold them and saw my other neighbors gathered around, watching. They didn't stop them because they thought I wasn't home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Modesto

Today, my boyfriend's freshly-repainted car got keyed. He's literally more of an inconsolable wreck now than he was when his own mother passed away last year. When I tried hinting that he was overreacting, he told me to go to hell. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Pinetown

Today, my little brother learned about mortality when our dog died. Since then, he's gone a little nuts and keeps ranting that he sees no point as to why our other dog should live. He's 16. FML

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By Jen - Australia

Today, I arrived home to find I'd been broken in to. The culprit? An obese homeless man, who I found face down, unconscious, and surrounded by muesli bar wrappers in my pantry. He broke in, ate everything in sight, soiled himself, and passed out. The worst part? The cops don't even believe me. FML

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By Username

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to see more of his passionate side. He pushed my head down towards his lap. FML

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By adopted - United States - New York

Today, I decided it was time to tell my daughter that she had been adopted. Not only had she known for 5 years, she found out from my drunk sister. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Helena

Today, I was talking to an old man I met at a store. He just wanted to know a few things, and he asked about my day. I explained a few bad things that'd happened, then I thanked him for listening. He then asked, "So, how are we gonna do this?" He thought we were gonna fuck. FML

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By anon - United Kingdom

Today, I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lehi

Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML

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By roflcopter - United States

Today, one of my cousins offered to sell me his mac for a low price. When I got it, I realized it was an old toshiba painted white with an apple sticker on it. My cousin still insists it's a mac. FML

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By DamnDogs - Canada

Today, I was woken up by my neighbour's dog losing its mind, and I remembered reading a story about someone ignoring a dog and later finding out that their car had been stolen. Paranoid, I went outside to check on mine. Nope. Just the damn dog barking at one thirty in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, my husband told his parents that he was quitting his job so that he could focus on school. They asked him what he was going to do for money. When I told them that I'd be the one working, they took one look at me and burst into laughter. FML

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By Grosssss - United States - Harrisonburg

Today, I found out that whenever my roommate's friend-with-benefits comes over, he uses my bikini trimmer to shave his pubic hair. I've been using that trimmer for months. FML

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By Noslo - United States

Today, in a large church youth group, we were told to write our current biggest trial on a piece of paper, crumple it up, and throw it in pile. I wrote "My mother's death and having to leave my friends and family." The one I picked up just said "math." FML

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By graveyard-sh*t

Oh, hi Sharon!

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML

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By ugly duckling - United States - Reston

Today, feeling very self-conscious about my looks, I told my mom I felt ugly and wished I could be as beautiful as her. She only said, "Yeah, I'm pretty, I wonder what happened to you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, I woke up to a mouse sitting on my pillow and chewing on my hair. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realised yesterday was my 30th birthday. What made it worse is that my parents forgot, along with my other relatives and friends. No cards, no texts, no calls, no Facebook messages. Nothing. Happy 30th to me. FML

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By LoveStruck- - United States

Today, I hung out with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. We were cuddling on the couch when he suddenly stands up. I thought he was going to hug me, but then he turned around, pinned my shoulders back so I couldn't move, and farted in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend that said "Dude, I think she knows I'm going to break up with her." FML

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By xorenae - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had an interview for an office job. As a requirement, I had to show up dressed for the job. My friend has worked there for years and told me it was casual dress. I wore jeans and a blouse. Everyone else had on business suits. Obviously my friend doesn't know what casual means. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a girl came up to me on a club dance floor and said, “Shut up and dance with me,” like the song lyrics, only I fell over on her while dancing, and she dislocated her ankle. I don’t think this woman is gonna be my destiny after that. FML

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By my patience is starting to crack

Today, while working at a retail, I was checking on a customer who had been in one of the dressing rooms for over an hour. After knocking for 10 minutes, I unlocked the door myself, only to find the customer sitting on the floor, smoking crack. This isn't even the first time this has happened. FML

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By - 22/2/2020 20:00

Too dry

Today, I spent the evening with my new wife at the doctor’s because she thought she had a UTI. The doctor sent the nurse to talk to us because he was too embarrassed to tell us that we just needed to use more lube. FML

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By FuckLife - Australia

Today, my friend's kid chased me with a rusty, sharp tent peg and threatened to kill me. When I finally got him to calm down he ran off to his room. Later, I found the tent peg under his pillow with a note that said my name. My friend thinks it's hilarious. I am staying here for a week. FML

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By smellsofeggs - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a playful fight with my brother. I made the point that our dog likes me better than him. To this, my dog jumped onto the sofa, turned to me and vomited on my face. FML

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By NYCproblems - United States - New York

Today, my ten-year-old brother came to visit me in NYC. Within ten minutes of walking on Times Square he had seen a prostitute and a partially-naked man. He now refuses to leave my apartment and screams when I try to drag him out. He's here for the next two weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Long Beach

Today, I had a new client on my massage list. Two of my fingers got stuck in the thick coat of hair covering his back. I had to stop myself from making grunting noises whilst extricating them. FML

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Top comments

By therevolution | 0

#993043 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:12

poor kid imagine the life he has from now on...everytime he bends over to tie his shoes he's gonna be all paranoid....0.o

By xSkyful | 0

#993015 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:05

YDI for not making sure

COMMENTS

By xSkyful | 0

#993015 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:05

YDI for not making sure

Reply

icecreammintz | 0

#2936068 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 8:22

WTF THAT WASNT ME!!!! wtf= wow thats fantastic

By DrDiamond | 0

#993019 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:05

your an asswhole poor kid

Reply

Takaishi | 0

#3326330 - Thursday 22 September 2011 3:58

[comment moderated]

By pertained | 12

#993022 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:06

think before you smash.

By sc95060sc | 0

#993026 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:07

hit him again, knocking him out, and bike off like hell

By gzmn91 | 6

#993030 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:09

Agreed with 1.
Complete idiot.
I hope you got what you deserved :)

By TheVanGirlsing | 0

#993032 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:09

OP you sound like a typical, beast like virgin. go get laid and loosen up a bit.

at first I was like 
then i was like 
now im 

By DrDiamond | 0

#993033 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:10

I meant asshole

Reply

reneekangaroo | 7

#4879323 - Friday 31 August 2012 6:16

Today I bent over to tie my shoe. Out of nowhere, this psycho comes and knocks me over by slamming a helmet on my head. FML

By pertained | 12

#993034 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:10

making a teen cry?

By FYMcNuggetts | 0

#993037 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:11

ween

By Nylecroc | 0

#993039 - Friday 14 May 2010 9:11

Did you yell out HULK SMASH! I would have