Miscellaneous: Today, I sat at work for 8 hours daydreaming about the homemade... - FML

By HolyRavioli - United Kingdom

Today, I sat at work for 8 hours daydreaming about the homemade 4 cheese ravioli I would come home to after spending 3 hours making it from scratch the night before. When I finally got home and heated the ravioli, I dropped it all over my feet, giving me second degree burns. FML

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Catch 22

Childfree

Kids and their wacky crazes

By lifeguardfuckup - United States

Today, while lifeguarding, I received six prank phone calls on the official pool phone. When it rang again, I picked it up, told them to go fuck themselves, hung up, and then left the phone off the hook. A second later, my cellphone rang. It was my boss, telling me to get a sense of humor. FML

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By fatty - Canada - Calgary

Today, I yet again purposely avoided the 'Health and Fitness' section on pinterest to keep my self-esteem up. FML

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By drew - United States

Today, I was run over by my own car as I tried to push it out of a snowbank. FML

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By the_lameo_geek - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I was mugged in a public bathroom. All I had on me was a plastic sheriff's badge, so I gave it to them. They laughed me out of the restroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I came home from work to find a burglar in my house. He then said that he was just leaving, and went back out of the broken window. FML

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By secretdeo - United States

Today, I was at the store buying some feminine products. At the cash register, the clerk said to me "Dude, you know those are for girls right?" I am a 30 year old woman. FML

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By I'maboutobarf - Australia

Today, my mum got a new blender. Dinner was roast beef, broccoli, cauliflower, pumpkin, potatoes and water. In a cup. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I had to calm my rather gullible boyfriend down and reassure him that the email he got, telling him that he has AIDS, was just a scam. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I took the bus home after visiting a friend. Standing in front of my house, I realized that I had forgotten my keys. They were still in my car, which I had parked at my friend's place and forgotten. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, while working at Subway, I was called a "terrorist" and other names by a customer 'behind my back'. I made him the best sandwich I'd ever made, in order to leave a good impression. Then I had to say the wonderful words, "Your total is $9.11." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered my mother went into the local pub where I work part time, got very drunk, and flashed her boobs at everyone. I found out when a picture was posted on Facebook. FML

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By recmonty - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, in a training class, I got to see a picture of what can happen when a man does not wear a safety harness correctly. For those of you who are unaware, male body parts are easily severed by loose straps. I cannot un-see that picture. It wasn't even a harness safety class. FML

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By needsnewshorts - United States - San Clemente

Today, my girlfriend was sitting on my lap at a birthday party. She thought it would be funny to fart. I came instantly. FML

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By randommanwill - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad got angry with me for not watching "Better Call Saul" with him, because he thinks it will help me with law school. He did this while I was actually reading for a class taught by the top health law professor in the country. FML

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By Forgetful godmother

Today, I learned that my son’s godmother forgot about the baptism date and booked a family holiday to Italy. Her mother is also on the trip and she is the officiant. I gave them both the date over 6 months ago. Everything is already booked on our side for that date. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 05:05

Bitch ass move

Today, my partner and I had bought a short bus to convert to an RV, which is done and we are now ready to move in. That night, after I’m fully out of my place, she informs me she has feelings for my roommate and it’s something she must explore. I'm now homeless and they are traveling around in the conversion. FML

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By j.b. - United States

Today, I found out that my husband thinks its okay to have an online girlfriend and have naked pictures sent to his email because he's not "physically touching, making love, or kissing". The sad part is that the online girlfriend gets more action than me. FML

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By en3rg1zer21 - United States

Today, I was peeing, and I sneezed. I looked down to see that my gum had flown out of my mouth and gotten caught in my pubes. On the upside I got a new look. FML

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By so bored -__- - United States

Today, my parents dragged me along to a family soccer game. I got so bored watching a bunch of grown men practically buttfucking each other between kicking balls around the field, that I fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to an empty field and had to walk five miles back home. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

Today, I was rehearsing for a school play. My drama teacher keeps criticising the part where I fake-trip, saying I make it look terribly fake. During today's rehearsal, I actually tripped for real, and smashed my kneecaps against the floor with a scream. He still said my "acting" sucked. FML

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By HaHa Not Funny - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend called to tell me that he had always made a point to eat some form of meat before making out with me. He'd known I was a vegetarian since the day we met. FML

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By morphea - France - Chantepie

Today, coming home, I discovered that my dog had left me a beautiful mound of poop in the middle of the corridor. He'd made an effort, though: there was a roll of shredded toilet paper next to it. FML

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By wow - United States

Today, I was getting my picture taken. The woman taking it told me to smile, so I did, showing my teeth. She said, "Please, be serious about this." Slightly offended, I smiled with my mouth closed. She then said, "If you can't be serious, we won't do this." FML

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By prickly - United States

Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML

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By gotnogame - United States

Today, I went out with a girl I like. After a movie, we went to McDonald's. There was this couple making out. The girl I was with remarked about how lame it would be to go to McDonald's on a date. I thought we were on a date. FML

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By Yudith - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I discovered a cold sore in my ear, which I need to treat with a cream. Because of health issues, I already have six different creams and lotions to apply to various parts of my body, including buttcrack and hair. FML

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By lpilou - France

Today, I was finally able to get to know a girl at university who I'd been eyeing up for months. We had a nice conversation. We discovered that we live in the same area, and so we talked about that. I told her that the little restaurant under my house was really disgusting. Her parents own it. FML

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By GidleyWife - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my young stepdaughter decided that she should store her coins in my laptop's card reader slot and in the CD drive. I just bought the laptop last week. FML

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By tandc - United States

Today, in a rush to squeeze out of a particularly tight parking spot, I made a hurried 12-point turn. Just to make sure I had enough room behind, I hopped out of my car. It was still in reverse. I managed to wreck my own car without even sitting in it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Croydon

Today, I was babysitting this 12 year old. We were watching a movie, and he was being an angel just laying with his head in my lap. He fell asleep so I closed my eyes and had a little nap. When I woke up he had taken my shirt off and was feeling up my boobs. FML

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By frankfukhergood - Canada

Today, I asked a buddy of mine if he wanted to see a movie. He said he was busy that day, so I decided to go alone. Midway through, the couple behind me is making out and kicking my seat. I turn around, and it's my ex-girlfriend making out with my buddy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I have to take a midterm, which is worth a large part of my grade. All our teacher has taught us so far is how to roast s'mores over a Bunsen burner, and how to make gummy bears explode. Our test is on kinetics. FML

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By hoogimo

Today, after buying my girlfriend a $700 bracelet for Christmas, I hinted that I wanted a pair of Oakleys. She told me I shouldn't get her anything and that I should expect even less. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend tried to justify having a one night stand with some other guy, with the words, "I'm on my period, okay?!" She acted like I was crazy when I asked how the fuck that made any sense. FML

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By Traumatized - Israel

Today, my coworker returned the camera I lent her. After plugging the camera into my PC, I saw a file was still on it. Wanting to make sure I didn't delete something important, I opened it. To my horror, it was a video of my coworker pleasuring herself. She's old enough to be my mother. FML

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By bridalqueen - United States

Today, as a veteran blood donor, I made a friend who was donating for the first time- I told her not to be scared and that I've been doing it for six years and that it was a great way to help people. While at the snack area afterwards, I passed out, started convulsing and went into shock. FML

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By A-64 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, against my wishes, my son snuck out of my house to go partying. When he came home, I called him in so I could properly discipline him. While I was talking, he staggered to our fish tank, pulled open the lid, and vomited straight into it. FML

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By Anonymous

The Spectacular Spider-Thief

Today, I went to a comic shop to celebrate Free Comic Book Day. A guy in a really nice Spider-Man costume showed up, so I asked and got a selfie with him on my way out. When I got home, I realized my wallet was missing from my back pocket. I was robbed by Spider-Man. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my dad offered to take me and my sister to school because we just moved houses. On the way, he asked us why we looked so tired. We just said we were tired from moving house. Truth is, our room is right next to theirs. We heard everything. Loud and clear. FML

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By sad life - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend is so seldom romantic that it actually makes me uncomfortable when he says something cute. FML

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Top comments

By swaglesshipster | 23

#6564367 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:04

Mr. Crab robot "Ravioli, Ravioli, give me the formuoli"

By AyeTee77 | 18

#6564359 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:00

They don't want you to have ravioli.

COMMENTS

By AyeTee77 | 18

#6564359 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:00

They don't want you to have ravioli.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6564366 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:03

This is why we can't have nice things

By swaglesshipster | 23

#6564367 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:04

Mr. Crab robot "Ravioli, Ravioli, give me the formuoli"

Reply

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6564447 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 1:05

"Ravioli, ravioli, what's in the pocket-oli?" - filthy frank.

Reply

RoseCrystal | 17

#6564474 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 2:34

I just busted out laughing reading this! I love that episode.

By CallMeWindSock | 24

#6564372 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:05

Try the Gouda

By ulissey_fml | 22

#6564374 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:06

Is that what they call Pasta Pronto ?
(
but I feel for you ,that must have hurt a lot)

By Tripartita | 44

#6564379 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:08

You know what they say: one person's ruined meal is another person's fetish video. It's a damn shame you didn't get it on camera.

Reply

Standupmast3r | 18

#6564722 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 13:14

What the fuck...

Reply

tomvertigo | 17

#6564723 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 13:16

This is scarily true.

Reply

Plastinate | 17

#6565457 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 13:45

Right.... I really like it when someone gets burned...

By aDiplodocus | 11

#6564380 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:10

Ravioli ravioli don't give me the foot formiolo. Sucks heal fast OP.

By Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6564383 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:12

That sounds like a formioli for disaster!

By hipposteve | 21

#6564387 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:20

aloe vera helps!

Reply

xx000o | 27

#6564679 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 11:07

5 second rule still applies.

By Redmond64 | 16

#6564389 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:23

Were you not wearing shoes or something?

Reply

anonymous198913 | 26

#6564394 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:31

OP was probably walking around the house. A lot of people walk barefoot, or only wear socks.

Reply

anjie_mackney | 19

#6564538 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 5:00

Who the fuck wears shoes in their own kitchen...?

Reply

trollcrusher | 17

#6564597 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 7:37

@37
Why is it so weird that someone would wear shoes in a room in their own home? It isn't weird to be barefoot in your kitchen, but I don't think that makes it weird to wear shoes either.