Today, I sat at work for 8 hours daydreaming about the homemade... - FML

By HolyRavioli - 21/3/2016 17:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I sat at work for 8 hours daydreaming about the homemade 4 cheese ravioli I would come home to after spending 3 hours making it from scratch the night before. When I finally got home and heated the ravioli, I dropped it all over my feet, giving me second degree burns. FML

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Thanks, I'm cured!

Boom, headshot

Lockdown is driving us down

By Anonymous - 26/5/2011 17:54 - United States

Today, both of the roads leading to my small town were washed out by rising flood waters. I now live on an island in the middle of Wyoming. FML

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By anonymous - 28/12/2011 18:03 - Canada

Today, while driving home from basketball practice, I noticed an old lady struggling to get up from a fall. I stopped to help her up and make sure she was fine, and in the meantime, a teenager decided to hop into my car and crash it into a telephone pole and run away. FML

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By howdoesthatmakesense - 2/5/2016 20:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, we were doing research on contraceptives in class. Afterwards, the girl next to me starts explaining how "cringey" and "grossed out" she gets when she sees/hears "the words for the private parts." She then tells me all about her getting her period that morning in explicit detail. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2012 09:28 - Australia - Weston

Today, I thought it would be nice to park my new car under a big, shady oak tree to prevent it from heating up in the sun. The big, shady oak tree thought it would be nice to shed a massive branch on top of my new car. FML

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By weave9z - 4/9/2012 02:08 - Canada - Montreal

Today, my wife made up her own theme song for when she pees in the shower. FML

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By bucollegegirl - 8/10/2012 14:07 - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he said that I should go to the bathroom so we don't end up pregnant. When I asked why, he said that I need to "pee out the semen." I explained to him 5 times that I don't pee out of my vagina. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By Momma - 19/6/2010 07:47 - France

Today, my kids thought it would be funny to put pictures of naked men and women as people's ID on my phone. They won't tell me how to change it back. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2013 07:02 - Israel

Today, my dad made a voodoo doll out of a melon. This seems to happen a lot. FML

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By spooked - 5/11/2014 20:44 - Australia - Sydney

Today, after my shower, I went to clear off my fogged-up mirror. Doing so, I noticed a handprint on it. I compared it to my hand, but it was much too small. I live alone. FML

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By The_HML - 24/3/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung in the balls by a Jelly fish. FML

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By what... - 15/9/2013 18:47 - United States - North Port

Today, my boss took me to one side and said, "Cross me like that ever again, and you're fired." I have no clue what he was talking about, and he denies ever having said a word to me. FML

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By nickw177 - 22/10/2012 01:21 - United States

Today, my wife confused terminology from my religion with stuff from Harry Potter. FML

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By ItchItchBaby - 9/9/2017 13:00

Today, 2 hours before a 13-hour flight, I found out I had head lice. I'm a 24-year-old woman. FML

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By Sprtsgeek13 - 13/9/2012 12:37 - United States - Camden

Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner, we were in the living room talking. My dad thought it would be funny to grab our cat, stick it down his shirt, then pretend to give birth to it, with sound effects. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 12:10 - Norway

Today, I'm travelling to England for an important meeting. I'm Norwegian, and my name is Bård. I have to introduce myself as bored the whole day, because that's how my name is pronounced. FML

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By retard99 - 21/3/2010 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend on MSN. I screen-copied my desktop to show her the conversation I was having with my best friend. Minutes later she replied asking why I had a porn site opened on the other tab. Oops. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 22:52 - United States

Today, thanks to Grand Theft Auto, I found myself seriously thinking about holding up an armored bank truck when I saw it in traffic. FML

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By Anon - 23/11/2011 01:53 - United States

Today, after changing his mind 3 times, my long distance fiancé told me he wasn't coming to see me for Thanksgiving. Out of anger, I threw his clothes, car magazines, and whatever else I could find in a huge, messy pile. During this, he walked into the room. He was going to surprise me. FML

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By WiltedFlower - 31/7/2009 16:02 - United States

Today, I gave my wife of four years a special anniversary gift: a red rose dipped in liquid gold so that she would cherish and admire it forever. She told me it was too "Italian" looking. I now have a hundred dollar rose sitting in my office. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2019 05:00 - United Kingdom - London

Nice outing

Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML

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By FriutlessApple - 11/10/2013 15:18 - United Kingdom

Today, feeling bored and lonely, I drove into town to wander around the shops and go to Subway for lunch. While there, I picked up two trays and put one on the opposite side of the table, along with some of my rubbish, to make it look like I was with someone. FML

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By Pandaling - 26/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Devil parents

Today, my mother-in-law said: "People who don't have kids are children of the devil." I'm infertile, she knows this. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 20:13 - Belgium

Today, in high school, we had a presentation about sex, condoms, etc. After a while, the lady explained that we should get to know our sexual organs better. "For example, my daughter looks at her vagina in front of a mirror to check it out." I’m her daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2014 15:30 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook from a girl I've had a crush on for a while. As I was about to accept it, it vanished. She explained later that she clicked on my name by accident, and didn't actually want to be friends at all. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2018 07:00 - United States - Conroe

Today, I'm recovering from a bad motorcycle crash that could have cost me my life. A truck pulled out in front of me while going 60. Luckily I only have a broken arm and a fractured sternum. I was just notified by my attorney that the guy at fault has no insurance or assets to his name. FML

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By Skullie - 19/2/2012 05:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend poked me on Facebook. I got excited because this is as close as he's come to touching me in weeks. FML

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By sydysyd - 21/11/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, when I got home, I went into my room to find a Bratz doll and a Ken doll laying naked, on top of each other on my bed. Attached to them was a note that stated, "Please, use your imagination and find other ways besides porn to get excited. The computer keeps getting viruses. Love, Mom." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2015 14:49 - United States - Apopka

Today, the guy I broke up with for not putting any effort into the relationship asked if he could make it up to me by taking me out to lunch. He stood me up. FML

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By brokeandcardless - 13/1/2016 12:15 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my card got declined at Subway, so I walked to the nearest cashpoint thirty minutes away to frantically figure out how much cash I had in my card. As I went to pull my card out of my purse, it slipped from my grip and fell into the sewer. The guy behind me snorted with laughter. FML

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By idontevenlikebuttsthatmuch - 18/12/2012 21:44 - United States - Mesa

Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML

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By SorryUncleTommy - 1/10/2012 04:23 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it was my uncle's funeral. I wasn't very close with him, but I still wanted to be respectful. My boyfriend, being the jackass that he is, was singing the Spider Pig song from The Simpsons under his breath while making his fingers walk up my leg, trying to get under my skirt. FML

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By JD300 - 22/12/2009 12:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally got my wish of having snow on my birthday. Excited, I failed to realise this meant that no one could come to my party, including myself as we were all snowed out of town. What did I spend my 18th doing? Tidying our house. FML

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By Welshite - 3/4/2014 20:53 - United States

Today, my coworkers continued their new favorite game: staring at me in total unnerving silence. I can't help but be reminded of serial killers. FML

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By HazzaBoo - 7/8/2012 23:45 - United States

Today, I decided to help the homeless by giving them old clothes and food. In return, they decided to mug me. FML

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By chamberpottime - 16/12/2015 08:58 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, my perfectly healthy grandmother came to stay for Christmas. First, she persuaded my family to give her my bedroom. That would have been fine, until she demanded she should also have a bucket to piss in under my bed too. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2009 04:10 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower outside at my fiancé's beach house. I was struggling to take my bikini bottoms off so I started to walk backwards to step out of it. Little did I know that I had pushed the door open. My fiancé, his family, and my family all saw me bend over naked. FML

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By FIM - 12/1/2017 15:18

Today, in response to a text asking if I wanted to meet for brunch, I wrote, "Oh dear god I'm so hungover I could die and I'm still in my same clothes from last night. Not a chance." It was our 5-year college reunion and the number I sent that to was actually an old professor, not an old friend. FML

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By thanksad - 23/8/2013 01:38 - United States - Cerritos

Today, my 50-year-old dad was in a foul mood after taking an online test that put him in Slytherin house instead of Ravenclaw where he "belongs" because he's "so smart". FML

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By sofakingweetodit - 18/10/2010 12:44 - United States

Today, in preparation for a presentation at work, I decided to take a handful of vitamins to fight my cold. As I was putting the bottles away, I noticed one of them was a laxative. FML

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By BerkeleyBiker - 19/4/2011 08:23 - United States

Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML

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Top comments

By swaglesshipster | 23

#6564367 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:04

Mr. Crab robot "Ravioli, Ravioli, give me the formuoli"

By AyeTee77 | 18

#6564359 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:00

They don't want you to have ravioli.

COMMENTS

By AyeTee77 | 18

#6564359 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:00

They don't want you to have ravioli.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6564366 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:03

This is why we can't have nice things

By swaglesshipster | 23

#6564367 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:04

Mr. Crab robot "Ravioli, Ravioli, give me the formuoli"

Reply

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6564447 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 1:05

"Ravioli, ravioli, what's in the pocket-oli?" - filthy frank.

Reply

RoseCrystal | 17

#6564474 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 2:34

I just busted out laughing reading this! I love that episode.

By CallMeWindSock | 24

#6564372 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:05

Try the Gouda

By ulissey_fml | 22

#6564374 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:06

Is that what they call Pasta Pronto ?
(
but I feel for you ,that must have hurt a lot)

By Tripartita | 44

#6564379 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:08

You know what they say: one person's ruined meal is another person's fetish video. It's a damn shame you didn't get it on camera.

Reply

Standupmast3r | 18

#6564722 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 13:14

What the fuck...

Reply

tomvertigo | 17

#6564723 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 13:16

This is scarily true.

Reply

Plastinate | 17

#6565457 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 13:45

Right.... I really like it when someone gets burned...

By aDiplodocus | 11

#6564380 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:10

Ravioli ravioli don't give me the foot formiolo. Sucks heal fast OP.

By Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6564383 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:12

That sounds like a formioli for disaster!

By hipposteve | 21

#6564387 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:20

aloe vera helps!

Reply

xx000o | 27

#6564679 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 11:07

5 second rule still applies.

By Redmond64 | 16

#6564389 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:23

Were you not wearing shoes or something?

Reply

anonymous198913 | 26

#6564394 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:31

OP was probably walking around the house. A lot of people walk barefoot, or only wear socks.

Reply

anjie_mackney | 19

#6564538 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 5:00

Who the fuck wears shoes in their own kitchen...?

Reply

trollcrusher | 17

#6564597 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 7:37

@37
Why is it so weird that someone would wear shoes in a room in their own home? It isn't weird to be barefoot in your kitchen, but I don't think that makes it weird to wear shoes either.