Miscellaneous: Today, I sat at work for 8 hours daydreaming about the homemade... - FML

By HolyRavioli - United Kingdom

Today, I sat at work for 8 hours daydreaming about the homemade 4 cheese ravioli I would come home to after spending 3 hours making it from scratch the night before. When I finally got home and heated the ravioli, I dropped it all over my feet, giving me second degree burns. FML

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Late term

BO Central

The virus claims another victim

By Shameful - United States

Today, my school's 6'2, 270-pound, 375-pound bench-pressing football superstar knocked me unconscious in one hit. With a dodgeball. FML

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By copenhagen20 - United States

Today, I'm seven months into a twelve month deployment. I called my fiancée, and she dumped me. The worst part is that two days ago, I re-enlisted to go to a unit an hour away from her house. FML

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By Byron fiddles - Hungary

Today, I was on an Easyjet flight, next to two attractive girls, listening to a track which starts with a woman pleasuring herself. I don't like this track so I go to skip it but accidentally unplug my headphones, activating my phone speakers and revealing the said woman at the peak of her orgasm. FML

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By mathii - France

Today, I was doing swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your girlfriend's problems! Swim, bitch!" FML

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By Username - France

Today, my wife told me she was very horny as we have not had sex in about two weeks, so I told her to do something for me to get me in the mood. She sighed and then went upstairs to get ready for work. FML

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By Confused

Today, I woke up 2 hours early to go to the physical therapist my doctor referred me to. She did confirm physical therapy will help, but she doesn't treat my issue. She’s also the only person in my city who takes my insurance. FML

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By Unreasonable - United Kingdom - Bath

Bridezilla vs. the Coronavirus

Today, I received a threatening DM from my so-called best friend, telling me that she wouldn't be calling off her wedding next week, despite everyone telling her to postpone due for health and safety reasons, and would claw my eyes out if I stayed in quarantine with my sick mum instead of coming. FML

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By Anonymous

Creep

Today, I found out that the guy I've been anonymously sexting with through an adult website is the seriously creepy stalker-ish front desk worker from our office building, who also happens to be the building owner's son. Shit. FML

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By Sabre777

Today, while as a therapist, a client made an audible fart and pointed out that she had done so. Shortly after, she wrinkled her nose as she savored the odor. She began to discuss her significant trauma issues. Before I could respond, her fart wafted over to me, making any mature response pointless. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 10:01

Artists are unpredictable

Today, I sent a tweet to my favourite artist to tell him that I loved his work. He replied that I was being rude and blocked me. FML

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By Busty

These jugs don't belong here...

Today, Walmart was out of quart milk jugs except for one. When I went to grab it, I had to practically climb into the fridge. My boobs got stuck on the shelf on the way out, and it took a solid two minutes to wiggle my way free. I had an audience. FML

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By chubbyg - Australia - Clarinda

Today, my boyfriend asked me when I was going to shave my arms now that summer is coming in Australia. FML

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By ugly me - United States

Today, I was sitting on a plane waiting for everyone to get on. A cute guy around my age had the option of sitting next to me or an old guy. He gave me a horrified look and immediately sat next to the old man. I got to sit next to his mother. She evil eyed me the whole time. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bleed so I plugged it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fire as well. FML

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By lyss - United States - Pottsville

Today, I went to pick up my goddaughter while her mother went to work. She was being fussy, and I was surprised when she was quiet in the car; I just figured she'd fallen asleep. I got to my house and realized I'd never put her in my car, she was still sitting in my friend's driveway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my parents changed the code on our alarm system while they were out of town. The police could not verify I was their son, despite spending hours trying to get hold of them. They thought it was just another telemarketer. FML

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By silver bear - 15/5/2021 17:00

Privacy

Today, my dad saw my cleared internet history and said, "You do know we can still track your history with your IP address, right?" I don’t ever look at porn or anything like that. I just don’t want other people knowing all my business all the time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I woke up to my dog laying on the pillow next to me. When he saw that I was awake, he wagged his tail happily and then promptly sneezed in my face. FML

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By Guessmyproffhatesme

Today, in exams to become a funeral director, my full name was used as the example of the deceased in a few questions. Actually, 22 questions. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a weight loss 'before and after' advertisement and I wished I could at least look like the 'before'. FML

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By xattackattackx - United States

Today, the main topic for my sister and her friends in the car was how many ways they could think of to kill me. They came up with 137. I have to spend a week with these people. FML

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By bob - Canada

Today, I found out that FedEx delivered my $700 package to the wrong person. The person who signed for it didn't even spell my name right. FML

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By iTried - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my best friend was cheating on her boyfriend. After confronting her boyfriend and showing him proof, he responded with denial and didn't believe me. Now my whole circle of friends not only think I'm trying to start a rumor, but that I'm a home wrecker. FML

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By poisonivyandbigfoot - United States - Denver

Today, I woke up with a rash all across my body. Last night, my boyfriend and I got it on in some bushes, and it seems one of those was poison ivy. FML

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By not outdoorsy - 10/7/2020 14:02

The call of the wild

Today, I haven’t been camping since I was a kid. I decided to give it another shot. I bought all the best equipment, researched all the great locations, planned a whole weekend. Turns out I still fucking hate camping and now I’m out over $400. FML

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By timmyb - United States

No coffee for you

Today, I walked into Starbucks for a job application. I asked the manager if they were hiring, as I really need a job. He looked me up and down and replied, "NO!" There was a 'Now hiring' sign in the window. FML

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By FalkensLabyrinth - 3/2/2021 19:57 - United States - Gardner

Tact

Today, my mother offered to give my overweight girlfriend the workout DVDs that she no longer needs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my friends what NNAS was code for. They have been using this for about a month. After bothering one of them for a few hours, he finally told me. NNAS stands for Nataly Needs A Shower. I'm Nataly. FML

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By clingmaster - United States

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me. Two weeks ago she complained that I didn't act like I really loved her. I then became more involved and caring just for her to show my love. The reason she broke up with me? Because I was "suffocating her with clinginess." FML

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By janess - 9/3/2021 11:00

Sorry dad

Today, I forgot my father’s birthday. My father means the world to me, I just have a shit memory. FML

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By skinsfan7592 - United States

Today, my dad and I had an argument. Then we went outside to shovel the snow out of the driveway. I heard him yelling and figured he was just yelling at me some more, so I turned my iPod up so I couldn't hear him anymore. Turns out he had fallen, cracked a rib, and needed help up. FML

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By Tib - United States

Today, I had to take a urine test. I drank a lot of water so that I wouldn't force it. When I got there, I had to pee really bad. The cup was too small and when I relieved my bladder, it was a jet that rebounded off of the cup and overflowed going all over my hands, clothes, toilet, and floor. FML

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By Elephant1718 - United States - The Dalles

Today, I was looking forward to my only day to sleep-in this month while I'm balancing school and work. I was rudely awakened at 6 am by my sister and her friend trying to make pancakes, burning them, and setting off the fire alarm in my house for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML

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By steffansk1997

Today, I had an appointment with the CEO of a big company about a game I'm going to make for them. The first thing I did after sitting down was to throw my coffee all over his desk. FML

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By Oragami

Galaxy brain take

Today, a customer told me it was bullshit we couldn't serve coffee because of the COVID restrictions, and added that the protests and riots happening are because people are bored. FML

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By Jacquelinez - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went mini golfing with his family. We had a competition going on, and when I managed to get two consecutive holes in one, he started seething and muttered that I'm dangerously close to becoming single. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Landenberg

Today, I downloaded Grindr to my phone. It also downloaded to my mom's phone, my dad's phone, and my brother's phone. FML

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By Sarraahh - Canada

Mystery

Today, my 65-year-old grandmother called and asked me to tell my boyfriend that she was flattered, but she's happily married. I have no idea what she was talking about and my boyfriend refuses to talk to me. FML

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By cootiequeen - United States

Today, at work, a lady approached me asking if I'd found a used cloth diaper on a table, and I told her it was probably in the trash. She said "That's okay, I can wash it." So I searched through several bags of trash, and when I couldn't find it, she said "Oh never mind! It's in my bag." FML

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Top comments

By swaglesshipster | 23

#6564367 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:04

Mr. Crab robot "Ravioli, Ravioli, give me the formuoli"

By AyeTee77 | 18

#6564359 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:00

They don't want you to have ravioli.

COMMENTS

By AyeTee77 | 18

#6564359 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:00

They don't want you to have ravioli.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6564366 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:03

This is why we can't have nice things

By swaglesshipster | 23

#6564367 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:04

Mr. Crab robot "Ravioli, Ravioli, give me the formuoli"

Reply

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6564447 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 1:05

"Ravioli, ravioli, what's in the pocket-oli?" - filthy frank.

Reply

RoseCrystal | 17

#6564474 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 2:34

I just busted out laughing reading this! I love that episode.

By CallMeWindSock | 24

#6564372 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:05

Try the Gouda

By ulissey_fml | 22

#6564374 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:06

Is that what they call Pasta Pronto ?
(
but I feel for you ,that must have hurt a lot)

By Tripartita | 44

#6564379 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:08

You know what they say: one person's ruined meal is another person's fetish video. It's a damn shame you didn't get it on camera.

Reply

Standupmast3r | 18

#6564722 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 13:14

What the fuck...

Reply

tomvertigo | 17

#6564723 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 13:16

This is scarily true.

Reply

Plastinate | 17

#6565457 - Wednesday 23 March 2016 13:45

Right.... I really like it when someone gets burned...

By aDiplodocus | 11

#6564380 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:10

Ravioli ravioli don't give me the foot formiolo. Sucks heal fast OP.

By Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6564383 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:12

That sounds like a formioli for disaster!

By hipposteve | 21

#6564387 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:20

aloe vera helps!

Reply

xx000o | 27

#6564679 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 11:07

5 second rule still applies.

By Redmond64 | 16

#6564389 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:23

Were you not wearing shoes or something?

Reply

anonymous198913 | 26

#6564394 - Monday 21 March 2016 23:31

OP was probably walking around the house. A lot of people walk barefoot, or only wear socks.

Reply

anjie_mackney | 19

#6564538 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 5:00

Who the fuck wears shoes in their own kitchen...?

Reply

trollcrusher | 17

#6564597 - Tuesday 22 March 2016 7:37

@37
Why is it so weird that someone would wear shoes in a room in their own home? It isn't weird to be barefoot in your kitchen, but I don't think that makes it weird to wear shoes either.