Today, I sang at a retirement home with my school choir. Afterward...

By ChoirGuy - 7/2/2009 23:02 - United States

Today, I sang at a retirement home with my school choir. Afterward we went to speak to the old people, just to get to know them a little. The first woman I shake hands with ask "Are you a boy or a girl?" FML

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Miscellaneous

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Last dates

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By A continent away - 2/9/2014 19:48 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, the security at the airport were nice enough to remind me to take the laptop out of my bag. I wish they'd also reminded me to put it back in before I left. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2013 01:52 - United States

Today, my husband farted, grabbed a fan and blew the smell right at me. Disgusted, I reminded him that I’m a lady, not a dude. He burst out laughing and sang, "Dude looks like a lady." FML

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By jazthefish - 12/7/2010 19:42 - United States

Today, I drew a face on a balloon and pretended to make out with it. The balloon popped and shot to the back of my throat, where it got caught. FML

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By seriously - 14/4/2018 01:30

Today, I was spoken to by my boss about an argument I had gotten into with my co-worker, saying I needed to be "respectful of others' beliefs" and less "close-minded." The argument was over whether or not the Earth was flat. FML

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By adriana - 1/9/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

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By vanilla_blossom - 5/1/2016 18:49 - United States - Jackson

Today, I tried asking a guy I like on a date. He turned me down, saying that I "seem like a nice person and all", but after seeing those reality shows on truTV, he "would rather not date a Russian. No offense, though." FML

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By somerandomchick - 31/3/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, my little sister got mad at me because I wouldn't let her read my IM conversation. I took a nap and when I woke up, my laptop was gone. She took it on a trip to her grandparents' house, six hours away. Nude pictures of me and my paper due tomorrow are on the laptop. FML

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By hannah - 26/6/2019 18:05

Today, I discovered that every time my period ends, I queef loudly and uncontrollably. I’m literally too embarrassed to see a doctor about this. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2011 18:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and we were just about to kiss. Until his mum walked in saying his girlfriend was at the door. I thought I was already there. FML

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By Lonely - 12/9/2009 11:53 - Australia

Today, I found out that despite having attended every university party held over the last two years, the only physical contact I have had with a member of the opposite sex is when the security guard stamps my hand. FML

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By Sylvania - 10/6/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

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By goingnowherefast - 9/2/2013 00:19 - United States - Butler

Today, after three and a half years of working dead-end jobs with a bachelor's degree, I got a call from a potential employer in my degree field, who wanted to set up an interview. The problem: the interview is across the country, and I'm too broke to pay the travel expenses. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2019 01:00

Loser

Today, the dog my now ex-boyfriend and I own together bit me bad enough that I needed stitches on my face and my hand... he then broke up with me and saying it was all too much for him and has kept the dog... FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2019 12:18

Today, I found out that someone left an open sharpie pen in the dryer. It left pen marks on everything inside of the dryer. Not just one or two pen marks, but nearly 1,000 on each article of clothing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2012 04:37 - United States - Northridge

Today, my boyfriend told me he masturbates to the thought of me swimming in pancake syrup. FML

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By kel - 10/2/2010 17:34 - United States

Today, in between the passing times at school, one of my classmates opened the door to my next class, so I turned to tell him thank you. Apparently, he was opening it for the teacher who was leaving. I collided with her and her very hot cup of coffee. FML

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By MaggotMother - 20/4/2013 10:51 - United States

Today, I learned what live maggots in chocolate cake taste like. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2010 05:32 - Canada

Today, my best friend of 10 years told me she had slept with a man who had a girlfriend. I told her that it wasn't that bad. She then informed me that it was my boyfriend. FML

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By terpity12 - 7/8/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, I rescheduled my doctor's appointment for a tetanus shot to go camping with my friends. While running on a path at the camp site, I stepped on a rusty nail that went right through my shoe and into my foot. Maybe I should have kept my appointment. FML

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By mike - 10/7/2013 07:51 - United States

Today, I was over my grandparents' house for my grandfather's birthday. For years they would talk to each other in Italian and I could never understand them, so I started to take an online class to teach myself Italian. Now I know all they talk about is how much they hate everything about me. FML

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By dream1334 - 2/6/2012 23:28 - United States - East Rockaway

Today, I was at a wedding. After videotaping the ceremony for a few minutes, my memory was full. I went to delete another video. I accidentally played the loudest video I had. No one was looking at the bride or groom anymore. FML

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By no I've never asked for anal - 20/9/2015 13:44 - United States - Buffalo

Today, after weeks of my girlfriend constantly mentioning pegging and asking me to let her do it, I caved and figured I might as well stand by my "try anything once" rule. Her response? Saying she knew I was gay all along and dumping me. The fuck? FML

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By With_Love929 - 29/10/2012 21:45 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my family and I are sitting in our house while Hurricane Sandy is going on. My grandma is freaking out because she believes it's our recently deceased dog Sandy getting revenge for putting her to sleep and getting a new dog. FML

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By xoothc08 - 25/2/2009 22:06 - United States

Today, I came back from college and visited my parents house. There was a new family portrait hung over the mantel of my parents and 2 sisters. My mom had always wanted one but always postponed it. It was dated the day after I left for college. FML

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By dargas - 9/3/2010 21:08 - United States

Today, while preparing the house for company, I got a call that my sister had a heart attack and died. My wife's response? "Great! Now you're going to be no help to me at all!" FML

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By horsefuck - 7/8/2015 12:51 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 17:30 - Switzerland - Corminboeuf

Today, I told my parents I don't really like children and probably won't have any in the future. They sat me down and gave me a lecture on how people who hate kids are heartless. FML

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By haters - 9/5/2019 12:00

Today, while in a meeting for work, my boss expressed how much he likes everyone at our site. But before continuing, he looked at me and said, “Everyone but you, that is.” FML

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By poolboy - 23/7/2012 04:28

Today, I was swimming in my pool with my two sons. A few hours later while on Facebook, I saw that one of them had liked a photo with the caption, "Peeing in a pool, best feeling ever." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2019 00:30

Today, I walked in on my little brother dressing up like Billie Eilish, his new favorite singer. He tore up some of my favorite clothes to make the outfits. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's farm with my family. First I was pooped on by a goose, peed on by a puppy, bit in the face by the mother dog, fell through the floor of the barn loft, and without knowing it was electric, rested my hand on the horse fence. FML

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By FMLdude - 18/8/2013 23:23 - Australia - Bexley

Scammed

Today, I accidentally hit an elderly man while driving. The police came, and five minutes later I was told that he confessed to walking in the middle of the road to get hit and claim compensation. He was fine, but I still got charged for hitting a pedestrian. FML

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By Brandy_Dandy78 - 12/6/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, I fell asleep as my family drove to church. No one bothered to say anything about the drawings my siblings drew on my face until after church ended. FML

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By britt93 - 26/9/2019 00:01

Ol' Blue Eyes

Today, I learned that if you sing along with an old Frank Sinatra song, the elderly who hear you will want to talk to you about things you have no idea about, for a very long time. FML

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By notsoonenufdeparted - 2/10/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, my four-year-old asked me when I was going to die. I replied "Not for a long time, why?" He looked at me and stated "Because I only want to live with Daddy." FML

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By esoog - 19/5/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML

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By bacon lovers worst nightmare - 26/9/2012 06:57 - United States - San Diego

Today, I heard of an inevitable world-wide bacon shortage on the news. FML

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By PhantomShitter - 29/11/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Was it me?

Today, I read on Facebook that someone shat outside our block of flats. I laughed and showed it to my friend who was with me. She turned to me, and said, "That was you, we were locked outside last night and you needed to pee, but a poo slipped out." FML

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By Bro - 25/3/2019 12:00

Today, I found out that my wife of five years is also my half-sister. She has no idea, I don't know how to tell her, and I've never been more turned on. FML

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By Li - 24/3/2015 01:04 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I shouted, "Fuck off!" out of reflex when I felt someone behind me grab my bag and pull it off my shoulder. It turned out to be an elderly man with a walking stick, who was trying to steady himself in a busy crowd. FML

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Top comments

By NorfolkDude | 2

#587 - Sunday 8 February 2009 1:41

Hahahaha. Don't worry dude, it happens with old folks. They always get my name all messed up and call me the girl version of it. Just don't take it personally and just laugh and move on to the next silly question.

Also, it could be that the old gal just wanted to see something he hasn't seen in a while, so she was trying to make you pull your pants down. Hahahah. Okay, j/k that was gross.

By Durf | 0

#74363 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 7:22

at least you're a pretty boy.

COMMENTS

By NorfolkDude | 2

#587 - Sunday 8 February 2009 1:41

keetlover | 0

#1244304 - Sunday 15 August 2010 7:34

she's prob has bad eyes don't worry lol no fml!!!

ImFrackinBored | 13

#3310775 - Monday 19 September 2011 9:30

Prof Oak?

vassal44 | 9

#4396544 - Sunday 6 May 2012 7:17

Giggity....

By greenman_fml | 0

#592 - Sunday 8 February 2009 2:16

you should have said, "are you going to die tomorrow or in a month?"

willrh102291 | 0

#811380 - Sunday 31 January 2010 3:54

By president_benson | 0

#593 - Sunday 8 February 2009 2:18

It's Pat!

pingpongpickle | 8

#973909 - Sunday 4 April 2010 8:29

what.

22cute | 17

#4561136 - Wednesday 13 June 2012 14:31

Consider that in their time people dressed and did their hair with a lot more gender indicators than we do now. If it hurts your feelings that much just cut your hair, grow a mustache and wear dark colors.

By FunWriter20 | 0

#1198 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 3:06

That totally happened to me, except the old lady said "Is you a boy or a girl? You could be a billy goat for all I know." Before I could answer, another lady yelled "It's a boy."

I'm obviously a girl, and was only slightly offended, they were senile after all. The worker lady said it was because I was wearing a sweatshirt and they needed to see my boobs to tell what I was.

By lazorzpewpew | 0

#1329 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 17:04

... or you could stop dressing like an emo kid - that's an option for not getting confused with the opposite sex.

By Durf | 0

#74363 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 7:22

at least you're a pretty boy.

By WFMS | 0

#291338 - Thursday 11 June 2009 1:20

That's okay when I was serving ice cream to some old people a old man told me I was a very nice young man. I'm a girl. my hair was up n he has really bad eye sight so I didn't mind. He was also kinda cool he used to be a Philadelphia mummer.

By Snommelp | 0

#371836 - Monday 6 July 2009 3:49

Ah, the elderly. Brutal honesty combined with bad vision, bad hearing, and memories of strict dress codes. Gotta love 'em.

I imagine your school choir had a unisex sort of uniform?

By TuucciZ | 0

#516363 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 15:07

Wait, where's the FML part? I admit some guys might be pretty insecure about their masculinity, but being mistaken for the opposite gender is of no harm. More likely women like you for having a feminine touch.

By dubbleChic | 6

#681197 - Friday 20 November 2009 20:05

their old and they cats see or hear too good YDI