Miscellaneous: Today, I removed the safety padding from around the trampoline...

By Not-so-good-gymnast - Australia

Today, I removed the safety padding from around the trampoline because it seemed useless. This afternoon, I did a backflip, got my hair stuck in the springs, ripped out a chunk of my hair, and face planted it into the brick pavers. FML

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Miscellaneous

Our house, in the middle of our street

You sure it was your birthday?

Stand up guy

By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 21:08 - Israel - Tel Aviv

The Final Countdown

Today, I found out that I have three weeks to get better at my shitty job before we start discussing my "future" with the company. FML

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By how - United States - Crozier

Today, my husband managed to set fire to half of our garden setting up mosquito repellents. FML

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41065

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By Macdaddy - France

Heimlich

Today, I attended my first meeting with my bosses. For lunch we went to a restaurant. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn't breathe anymore. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers, and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML

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By CPN - United States

Today, I was curling my eyelashes in my bathroom and while I was counting to 5 my brother flung open my door. I jumped and ended up ripping out all my eyelashes. Now I have to wait until they grow back. FML

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86232

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By meow - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was like sleeping with a seizing cat. FML

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26698

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4479

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By badadvise - Mexico - Guadalajara

Today, I found out my marriage counselor is currently going through her second divorce. FML

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27210

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By scherzo - United States - Edmond

Today, I dropped my phone in the parking lot and it landed next to a car tire. As I reached to pick it up, the car backed up and ran over my phone and my hand. Hello, emergency room! FML

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4016

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

That shirt is FIRE!

Today, my shirt caught on fire when I was burning paper for my ancestors at the cemetery. FML

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1251

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Schepdaal

Today, I went to a club with my girlfriend and her buddies. An hour in, I saw her making out with a guy on the dance floor, so I confronted her. She stormed off to the bar and said something to her friend, who then came over and angrily slapped me across the face. Yeah, I'm confused too. FML

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By Jebus - United States

Today, I walked to Starbucks. On the way a homeless guy asked me for change and I lied and said I had no money. On my way back, Strawberry Frappuccino in hand, the same guy recognized me. He followed me for 3 blocks, swearing and yelling at me. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, as I was using the public restroom in the mall, someone decided to slam the stall door next to mine. This resulted in my stall door opening while I was still on the toilet. The door was too far for me to reach. FML

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By lovecrisis247 - United States

Today, my parents finally invited my boyfriend over for dinner. Everything was going great until my mother asked him his profession. He stuffed his mouth full of lasagna, snorted, and then responded, "I clean shit for a living." FML

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By brokedick - United States

Today, after 5 years of no intimate, sexual contact with a woman, I finally got my chance. Unfortunately, I also discovered that I have full-on erectile dysfunction. I'm 23 years old. FML

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42221

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 23:01 - Germany - Zittau

I was bored before I even began

Today, my ex started our conversation with, "How are you?" I asked whether this was just a way of greeting me, or if he genuinely wanted to know. He affirmed that he really wanted to know, then proceeded to talk about his work for the next two hours. FML

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710

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174

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By I was talking about her.

Today, a lady called the candy store and wanted to know our ice cream flavors. We have 30 and I had a line of people to help, so I directed her to our new website. She called back, wanting me to walk her through finding it. I couldn't, as we're not allowed, so she called me useless. She showed up. FML

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13642

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By people will think I'm Shelley Duvall

Today, my son's yearbook came. I was pretty happy, because I also ordered a larger version of his photo because he's going to California for college and I wanted a special picture of him to keep. Unfortunately, my happiness disappeared when I saw that he was wearing a horse mask in the photo. FML

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4477

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By imgay - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I discovered that most of my family is homophobic while discussing Orange Is The New Black. I've only come out to my sister. FML

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28636

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By dontpanic - United States

Today, my girlfriend was getting up to leave and I, trying to be romantic, got up behind her and tried to swing her back down onto the bed and kiss her simultaneously, misjudged the distance and threw her into the wall, her head then bounced off the wall and into my forehead, spraining her nose. FML

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11449

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By babydoc - 3/7/2020 23:00

Friendly advice

Today, I visited a friend and her new baby. The baby had a tight constrictive headband and a clearly wet cloth nappy on. I tried to give some friendly advice on why this was bad, but she shot me down, saying what would I know, I don't have a kid. She's 17 and I'm a 26-year-old practicing midwife. FML

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1750

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By Sarah-D

Today, a policeman pulled me over and proceeded to flirt with me. After I had rejected him, he gave me a ticket for "not paying attention to the road". FML

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16170

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By lovethyneighbour - Australia - Berowra

Today, my neighbour casually mentioned that he sold my car's GPS that I'd let him borrow. He figured I wouldn't be needing it anymore since I lost my license. FML

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42321

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By Anonymous - United States

Denied!

Today, I got cock-blocked by the laundry. My boyfriend was the one who wanted to do laundry. FML

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31170

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By ol faithful - Canada

Today, I was at the bar with a date. My date made a joke about me being a slow drinker, so I tried to impress her by chugging the rest of my glass. She was impressed with how fast I chugged my beer, until it came back up. FML

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9875

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By photonut13 - Canada

Today, I found out my mother had remarried, and that I was getting a stepfather and stepbrother. However I found out about it 30 minutes before we left to pick them up from the airport, and also found out that I'm losing my bedroom. FML

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By pandasbear - United States

Today, I went on a first date wearing a new hair color. It was Interior Latex Slate Speckled Grey, from accidentally leaning my head against a wall while house painting earlier. FML

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22795

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, while making dinner I cut my finger badly with a knife. When I yelled for my dad to drive me to the hospital, he accused me of lying to get attention. He had to taste my blood before he decided it wasn't red-colored corn syrup. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, while shopping, a lady came up to me and asked if she could borrow my baby because, "Y'know, I'm in a hurry and they'll let me checkout first." FML

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37229

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By MrsGrinch

Today, I’d finally saved up enough to buy flights home for Christmas. After putting in the info several times, it wouldn’t work, so my husband decided to try and “help.” Not only did he buy flights to the wrong place, but now I have to wait another 5-7 days to be refunded. FML

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By preggersmcgee - United States - Nixa

Today, I finally found a cute dress that hugged my curves and hid my imperfections. I wore it to my friend's house, and was feeling pretty good about myself, until some pregnant woman walked into the room wearing the exact same thing. It was a maternity dress. FML

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29544

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was doing the reverse cowgirl with my boyfriend. I was on the way to a glorious finish when he pointed out that I had a pimple on my butt. He began to laugh so hard that he went soft. FML

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By scaredshitless - United States

Today, I was taking a serious shit when the light bulb burned out. I am terrified of the dark and began wailing and crying. My mom had to pick the lock and get me out. I'm a 17 year old guy and captain of the Varsity football team. My little brother recorded it and plans on showing everyone. FML

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27260

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By siciliano12594 - United States - Harrison

Today, I learned that last week, the UPS man gave my package to my neighbor for safekeeping. It was over five-hundred dollars' worth of merchandise. My neighbor left for Canada on Saturday. FML

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By placard3

Cruel Summer

Today, I went to the hospital to get a cast that I have been wearing for the past three months removed from my wrist. Thanks to said cast, I couldn't have any summer fun at all. The doctor took a final X-ray and said, "Well look at that, your wrist wasn't fractured to begin with." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1860

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135

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By Deadfish - United States

Today, I was walking to the pet store to buy a month's worth of fish food for my fish so I wouldn't have to come back for a while. For fish food it was expensive. It was also surprisingly heavy and I had to carry it back to my house. When I got home, I saw my fish floating at the top of its bowl. FML

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48267

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By rawkdinosawr - United Kingdom

Today, I had a massive argument with my boyfriend in which he called me stupid repeatedly. I stomped out of his house and sent a very angry text to my best friend about him. She didn't text back. Then my boyfriend texted. 'My girlfriend is so stupid she can't even text the right number.' FML

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20982

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By Anonymous

Today, my brother has two broken arms and needs help wiping his own ass. Bonus, he has bad diarrhoea from the food poisoning he got from the shrimp he made me hand-feed him yesterday. FML

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1865

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By Embarassedd - Canada

Today, my husband and I were at a wedding. When the DJ announced that the bar was open, my hubby was the only one to RUN to the bar while the other husbands stayed behind to dance with their wives, eyeing us in a weird way. FML

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By VoodooPriestess - 3/6/2020 23:00

Just a prank, bruh!

Today, while looking at engagement rings online, I started crying. Not because I'm getting married, but because the only proposal scenario my mind could concoct always ended with my boyfriend saying,"Psych!" FML

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1199

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By MisterSeth - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a naked picture of herself and I wish she hadn't. FML

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32844

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By denied - United States

Today, I was supposed to finally go out with my guy-friend that I have liked for a long time. He told me he would text me, and after waiting for hours for the text, I finally got it. It said, "Guess what!? I just got laid!" He forgot our date, had it off, and I congratulated him. FML

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Top comments

By cucuto89 | 0

#589738 - Sunday 27 September 2009 16:10

you went out of your way to remove a safety device that you didn't even think was a hindrance to it at all. YDI 110%

By ALittleBitCrazy | 0

#589730 - Sunday 27 September 2009 16:07

Fail!

COMMENTS

By ALittleBitCrazy | 0

#589730 - Sunday 27 September 2009 16:07

Fail!

yougetmecloserto | 0

#589866 - Sunday 27 September 2009 17:42

Hahaha, the OP is from the same place as me (western australia) so props for being in proximity of a retard!

Zhejan | 0

#589924 - Sunday 27 September 2009 18:18

Well, life on a trampoline does have its ups and downs.

guillotine_fml | 0

#589988 - Sunday 27 September 2009 19:07

ahah, win

capital_seven | 0

#590679 - Monday 28 September 2009 1:54

OH SO MUCH WIN

mak_attack | 0

#592149 - Monday 28 September 2009 20:30

ahahahaha, win comment XD

RileyFerrari | 0

#1029942 - Monday 14 June 2010 4:18

Retard.

TheBitchOfChuckN | 7

#3122889 - Wednesday 17 August 2011 2:58

Yes, anything with the word "SAFETY" in it is useless.

By Eashag | 3

#589731 - Sunday 27 September 2009 16:07

Lol, definitely YDI. Retard.

eerriikk1122 | 0

#589829 - Sunday 27 September 2009 17:18

it is there for a reason or??

Kaplowitz | 0

#589961 - Sunday 27 September 2009 18:50

#20, when you have retard sex with the OP please use a condom

Starchild21 | 3

#590045 - Sunday 27 September 2009 19:55

lol I think they're going to spend a few hours trying to figure out if the penis goes in the ear or somewhere else haha

_______________________________
www.myspace.com/rapid99

allmidnighteyes | 10

#590573 - Monday 28 September 2009 0:53

BELLY BUTTON! No, wait... that's not it... ARMPIT! Yeah, that's the right one! :D

diet_otaku | 0

#590998 - Monday 28 September 2009 4:53

#20, seriously? SAFETY padding? it's there for SAFETY, which is why it's never useless and should never be removed, and OP is retarded and totally deserves it.