Love: Today, I received the photos my friend took of me proposing to...

By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I received the photos my friend took of me proposing to my girlfriend. I'd proposed at the place we'd first met: the local zoo. When I looked them over, I noticed there was an elephant taking a poop in the background. FML

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Love

Understandable

And today, on Dr Phil…

Commando

By patty - France

Today, I saw a friend in the street but he didn't see me, so as a joke I decided to ring him. He took his mobile out of his pocket, sighed and didn't pick up. FML

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By pyrogypsy - United States - Seattle

Today, I was the weird girl on the city bus who falls asleep then makes a loud, weird noise and wakes herself up. FML

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By BangBangBzzz

Today, I went for a much needed relaxing massage. As I lay down, the renovation works in the next building started up. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Anonymous's next job could be in cyber (she just doesn't know it yet)

Today, my doctor told me the severe hearing damage from my car accident is permanent. I just graduated with a degree for Interpreting and Translating. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Darlington

Today, I had the contraceptive implant removed from my arm after having had it in for three years. I was one of the unlucky people whose body sticks to it. It took half an hour to cut and pull a tiny little stick out of my arm. FML

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By sharkgirl4 - United States - Rialto

Today, I was trying to fix a broken desk fan. I'd taken the guard off and was trying to unscrew the blades, when my roommate decided it'd be funny to plug it in. The blades sliced into my thumb. I need stitches, and he still thinks it's hilarious. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was studying for a final when I noticed all I had was a blue highlighter. I decided to drive to the store to get a yellow one. On the way there, I got $200 worth of traffic tickets for not stopping at a stop sign. I basically spent $200 because I prefer yellow highlighters over blue. FML

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By Bill - United States

Today, I discovered that my new college roommate not only makes casual conversation about his bowel movements, he also names them. FML

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By Anonymous90 - Canada

Today, I spent 100 dollars on lingerie. I put it on, walk out to the living room, and tell my boyfriend to follow me into the bedroom. He says no, and then pretends to fall asleep. FML

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By iamchazzi - United States - Madison

Today, I found out that my mom uses my Facebook account more than I do. FML

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By hesitator - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Sex vs. housework

Today, I got excited over a canceled booty call, just so I wouldn't have to clean the apartment. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Honolulu

Today, I awoke to my husband talking to someone on the phone at 2am. I heard him say, "Baby you're making me hard." Immediately, I asked him who he was talking to. His response? "It's Jake, from State Farm." FML

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By Carmen - United States

Today, I painted an area I had carefully sanded, cleaned, and taped off. I pulled a fan out of the closet to help dry it faster. I turned the fan on, and a million dust particles flew off onto the wet paint. FML

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By AHole - United States - Grand Forks

Today, the car in front of me in the drop-off area at my son's school parked, and the driver got out. I basically leaned on my horn and gave her every dirty look in the book. She said nothing but stared at me as she opened the back of her van to unload her child's wheelchair. I'm an asshole. FML

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By why

Today, I was suspended for "selling drugs on campus". I was trying to give the school nurse approved medication for my severe epilepsy. I'm suspended for 3 weeks and have to go to a drug seminar. FML

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By skiittlez713 - United States

Today, my boyfriend refused to go down on me because I smelled of baby lotion and it made him feel like a child molester. FML

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By SG - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML

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By lol - Canada

Today, I was making breakfast. My microwave door was already open, but I couldn't figure that out so I kept pressing the button. According to Einstein, I'm now insane. FML

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By anon - Canada - Goderich

Today, my father tripped over the dog and hit a wall. He was so convinced his arm was broken that we waited for 3 hours in emergency to find out he had a bruise. FML

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By nooooo - United States

Today, I have no cell phone reception as I am visiting family who lives on the side of a mountain. They told me there was service on top of the mountain, so I hiked up. Only when I got there did I realize I'd left my phone back down at the house. FML

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By CityGirl - United States

Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Iola

Today, a week after moving into my new house, I'm seriously considering suing the previous occupant. He failed to mention how the neighbor has his own band and rehearses every other day until 2am. Their music is so bad, it sounds like the wailing of a cat being tortured to death. FML

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By brokenface - United States - Notre Dame

Today, I finally kicked my awful nail-biting habit. All it took was a fractured jaw. I haven't been able to chew anything for two weeks. FML

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By wallamanut - United States - Portland

Today, my parents decided to finally kick me out of the house because they've gotten tired of seeing me "sleep around all day and being so lazy" whenever I'm home. I'm currently triple-shifting for 6 days a week. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my 8-year-old daughter somehow learned how babies are made. Sort of. I found this out when we had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When one teacher asked where she was from, she replied, "My daddy's balls." FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We were starting to get intimate, and I thought it would be kinky to tie his hands to his bed so he'd be more turned on. Suddenly his mom called us for dinner, but I couldn't untie him fast enough. I had to sit there, embarrassed, while his mom undid the rope. FML

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By apparentlyawomanbeater - Switzerland - Cadempino

Today, I was on the bus during rush hour. A fly started buzzing around my head, and I swatted at it, at the exact moment the woman beside me decided to get out of her seat and put her face straight in the path of my hand. FML

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By geewhy - United States - South Park

Today, my boyfriend discovered that if he flicks my clitoris just right, my legs both twitch spastically regardless of arousal level. He thinks it's hilarious and can no longer take sex seriously. FML

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By French - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I taught my girlfriend some French. She then used her newfound language to break up with me. FML

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By loser - United States

Today, I had to sell my wedding ring to help me pay for my divorce. FML

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By Pierced

Today, my mother accused me of getting another lip piercing done on the sly to spite her. She finally realised I have more than one and won't believe I've always had two. Thanks for noticing, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lawrence

Today, my teenage daughter asked me if accents are hereditary. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had just reached in my purse without looking to grab a granola bar when my boss walked in my office. We talked for a few minutes as he kept giving me strange looks and looking at my hand. He left and I realized I hadn't taken a granola bar out, but a tampon instead. FML

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By aragmir - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while working at a nursing home, I was alone in the station and figured I could sneak one out. It wound up being very loud, and I could hear the faint snickering of a patient in the next room. Every time he saw me for the rest of the day he would burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I broke up with the girl I'd been dating for two months because she started smoking. This is a deal breaker for me. I just found out from her friend that she started smoking for the sole purpose of getting me to break it off and now plans to quit. FML

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By Grandzilla - France - Ablancourt

Today, I got a call from my panicking grandmother. I asked her what was going on, and she explained that, “Godzilla doesn’t work.” Not really understanding, I asked her to clarify. “Yes, you know, Godzilla, to use the internet.” FML

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By just trying to be nice - United States - Tucson

Today, I honked at a man in a Subway parking lot. He rolled down his window and screamed insults and slurs at me before driving away. Why did I honk at him? He'd left his lunch on top of his car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pushed over and robbed in a parking lot by a man in an ugly Christmas sweater. When I looked up, I was too distracted by the sweater to even look at his face. FML

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By ohdeargodthatswrong - United Kingdom

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when my dad pulled up to pick me up from his house. My dad beeped his horn and my boyfriend opened his bedroom curtain, knocked on the window, and waved. While he was still inside of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally had the opportunity to have sex with my girlfriend. This would be the first time for both of us, so I tried to make it really special. I had everything planned out to be very romantic. She loved how it was set up. After all this, I couldn't get it up at all, all night. FML

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Top comments

By tarabelle | 7

#4571615 - Saturday 16 June 2012 1:43

Well, there's always photoshop? I'm sorry op .xx

By xXxIracebethxXx | 14

#4571645 - Saturday 16 June 2012 1:46

Why are you apologizing? Were you the elephant that was pooping?

COMMENTS

By cat_chick | 6

#4571606 - Saturday 16 June 2012 1:42

That sucks, just like my comment.

ajh557 | 22

#5727639 - Thursday 24 October 2013 3:28

Not as shitty as his proposal

By williemac987 | 5

#4571608 - Saturday 16 June 2012 1:42

Oh that sux sorry

xXxIracebethxXx | 14

#4571645 - Saturday 16 June 2012 1:46

Why are you apologizing? Were you the elephant that was pooping?

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#4571679 - Saturday 16 June 2012 1:48

The pressure of getting the first comment must have gotten to you

JoeRogansBEARD | 15

#4571920 - Saturday 16 June 2012 2:42

Am I the only one wondering if there was peanuts in it?

williemac987 | 5

#4572008 - Saturday 16 June 2012 3:09

Yea I just typed something quickly so I could be first, I actually didn't even read the FML so I was just like oh that stinks

spacemanspiff78 | 7

#4572014 - Saturday 16 June 2012 3:10

Am I the only one wondering why this is even a FML?

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#4572059 - Saturday 16 June 2012 3:32

Proposing at a zoo…well that's romantic.

CookieGirl4ever | 13

#4572084 - Saturday 16 June 2012 3:39

Hey, at least he didn't say "that's a shitty situation."

Rowdey | 10

#4572126 - Saturday 16 June 2012 4:02

54 - That's where they first met, so it kind of is romantic..

reddawn1985 | 12

#4572513 - Saturday 16 June 2012 5:47

Hey when you gotta go... ya gotta go

Wood1andcritter | 3

#4572882 - Saturday 16 June 2012 6:40

You shouldve its hilarious

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#4573399 - Saturday 16 June 2012 9:34

64 - then I guess he shouldn't be complaining since he should have seen that coming. The animals weren't really gonna be polite and hold their poop until he's done proposing now were they?

rockaroths | 15

#4573418 - Saturday 16 June 2012 9:41

95 - and you don't have to be such an asshole

MDTeddy | 13

#4573435 - Saturday 16 June 2012 9:53

Didn't even read the fml? *facepalm*

ReesieBanana21 | 12

#4581389 - Monday 18 June 2012 8:07

Awesome!

By tarabelle | 7

#4571615 - Saturday 16 June 2012 1:43

Well, there's always photoshop? I'm sorry op .xx

HonestTruth | 5

#4571995 - Saturday 16 June 2012 3:05

Yep, just crop it out if its on the side or add the shade effect.

AlexM42 | 5

#4572124 - Saturday 16 June 2012 4:02

Or, you know just use the magic eraser...

j_cat187 | 19

#4573046 - Saturday 16 June 2012 7:17

Let's go tho the curves channel and increase the contrast slightly. Then, clone stamp shit all over the place

SpruceDread4578 | 13

#4575904 - Saturday 16 June 2012 22:32

The biggest reason to hate instagram is because of how HORRIBLY it reduces the picture's quality

By EnterSandman_fml | 20

#4571618 - Saturday 16 June 2012 1:43

Well, perhaps someone with photoshop skills could take care of that.

EnterSandman_fml | 20

#4571638 - Saturday 16 June 2012 1:45

There's a free alternative to Photoshop called Gimp you could try to fix those pics. It works much better at editing than trying to edit my comment #5 before.

Draconium | 8

#4571853 - Saturday 16 June 2012 2:24

Anything's free if you're a pirate :D

EnterSandman_fml | 20

#4572045 - Saturday 16 June 2012 3:26

Gimp is an actual free program though, so no piracy issues for people who suck with computers. People like me lol.

tpike1296 | 11

#4572209 - Saturday 16 June 2012 5:04

Utorrent, thepiratebay.se, and are the only tools you need to pirate. Oh, and reading skills xD

i_canlickmyelbow | 3

#4574596 - Saturday 16 June 2012 14:29

Or you could...you know, just buy the stuff. Instead of stealing it.

dsbs | 9

#4574913 - Saturday 16 June 2012 16:32

104- but wahady point in that?

i_canlickmyelbow | 3

#4577258 - Sunday 17 June 2012 6:47

IDK. I have these things called morals. *shrug*

By soccergurrll | 8

#4571621 - Saturday 16 June 2012 1:44

Don't you just hate when that happens?

challan | 19

#4572109 - Saturday 16 June 2012 3:55

Shit happens!

By Avoriginies_fml_fml | 14

#4571641 - Saturday 16 June 2012 1:45

At least they weren't doing the dirty deed!

By Xxkrystalxxx | 10

#4571643 - Saturday 16 June 2012 1:46

Sounds like a shitty situation to me -__-

Bonzer | 2

#4571832 - Saturday 16 June 2012 2:14

Why, just why? That overused joke is used every single time an FML mentions poop, and every time the comment is thumbed down. When will you people learn and come up with an original joke?

JoeRogansBEARD | 15

#4571910 - Saturday 16 June 2012 2:40

When bush stops eating cats

Bonzer | 2

#4571942 - Saturday 16 June 2012 2:49

^ Bush will never stop eating pussy!

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4571947 - Saturday 16 June 2012 2:50

Bonzer, was that picture actually of him eating corn? I think i've seen that picture but with corn and the caption saying, "There's something wrong with this banana!"