Miscellaneous: Today, I received an envelope with my name written in beautiful... - FML

By ZeldaovaPeach - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I received an envelope with my name written in beautiful writing in my mailbox. I just moved in the day before and hadn't given the address to anyone or met my neighbors yet so I was a bit surprised by it, even more surprised to find nothing but a dick pic inside. FML

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Let's go girls!

Stress level: 2020

The Blob

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on a vacation, I tried to step out of myself and flirt with this boy who I thought was cute. He was going along with it and nodding so I thought it was working. Then he opened his mouth and I realized he didn't speak English. FML

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By liveforpeace_ - Canada

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML

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By chi_chia - United States

Today, while vacuuming my car, I discovered a hole in the floor under one of the seats. Unable to figure out where it came from, I took it to a professional, who informed me that a family of rats has been making my car their home for the last several months. How lovely. FML

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By ThunderThighs - United States - Flemington

Today, I was so ashamed of my weight when I sat down and the suction of my thighs made a loud fart noise, I admitted to it being a fart rather than my fat rolls. FML

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By dmachin - France

Today, I visited my grandmother who has dementia. She thought I was my father, and told me that I should never have married my mother, let alone have had children with her. FML

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By NoHappyEndings - United States - Dundalk

Hello ?

Today, it's been four weeks since I got a job offer after months of grueling interviews. I turned down other offers to accept the job, but I'm still unemployed because no one at the company will take my calls about my official start date. I've been ghosted by a corporate office. FML

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By Unsatisfied - Canada

Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He's my boyfriend. FML

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By Mikey - United States

Today, I finally got cleared after my knee surgery and wanted to go salsa dancing with a girl I liked. So we went and I thought I would show off a little bit and try to dip her and kiss her. Turns out my knee isn't strong enough and now she won't talk to me after dropping her on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - Korea Republic of

Today, I was waiting for my girlfriend, I wanted to have a serious talk about her hypochondria. She called to cancel because she was (self) diagnosed with some sort of 'neurological disorder'. FML

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By Anonymous - Afghanistan - Kabul

Today, thinking we'd still be able to finish our project in time for tomorrow's deadline, my work group put off doing any work until today. When we logged into the website we have to use, we found it was down for maintenance all day. FML

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By mass message - Canada

Today, my mom left for a business trip. Thinking it was a good time to throw a party, I mass messaged everyone on my contact list. I thought it was going to be a success. The problem with this? My mom is on my contacts list. She replied "I'll be home in an hour. You're grounded." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while checking my voicemail, I noticed I had received one from a job that I've been trying to get in for months. Too bad they called two weeks ago. FML

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By awkwardpanda

Today, I performed for the first time at someone's wedding. When the music started, I heard a click. Slowly, I felt my strapless bra drop lower and lower due to my non-existent breasts. The hook on my bra had broken at that very moment on stage. FML

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By hannaholic - United States

Today, I went on an excellent first date. After the 'end of the date kiss' came, "I suppose this is where I tell you that I'm married." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into the ladies restroom and was shocked to see the guy I've had a huge crush on for two years. Peeing. In the sink. FML

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By BSwan - Australia

Today, a frog made my hot tub his new home. I can't stand frogs and he moves lightening fast. I think the only way to get rid of him is to turn the heat on and boil him. Which I would do if my daughter didn't already adore him. FML

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By luckycharmed - United States

Today, my roommate played a "prank" on me. He taped a length of clear cellophane at ankle-height just outside my bedroom door, causing me to trip and faceplant the floor, and busting out a tooth. I now look like a hick, and my roommate is refusing to cover my dental bills. FML

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By Clumsy

Today, while baby-proofing the stairs so that my toddler wouldn't fall, I slipped on his toy car, broke the brand new gate while grabbing it so I wouldn't fall down the stairs, and broke my wrist and a rib. My husband should mom-proof the house for me now. FML

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By GettingACat

Today, I found a mouse nest. In my glovebox. Made out of the $450 in rent money I was going to give my roommate that I had stored in there earlier for safe keeping. FML

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By kaydebug

Today, while doing self-checkout at Walmart, the cap of my laundry detergent came off as I scanned it and dumped all over me. FML

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By Omi - United States

Today, I microwaved a cup of soup. While walking back to my desk to eat and do homework, I noticed a message that said, "WARNING: Hold cup by sides, as lid may not be secure." At that exact moment, the lid that I was holding fell off and the soup drenched my Nintendo DS, and printer. FML

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By nonymous human subject - United States - Palo Alto

Today, I got to my human anatomy class with a hickey on my neck. Since I sit in the front row, my professor noticed and decided to call me to the front. He then started talking about ruptured blood vessels and hickeys, all while as I served as the subject. FML

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By fuggers :/ - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, my workplace had a big employee photoshoot for an ad campaign. I was there all of 30 seconds before the photographer said, "What the fuck? Look guys, this ain't an ad for facial abortions." He then asked me and another colleague to step out of the shot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my first graders released the butterflies we've been raising. The kids were sad that one had died in his cocoon and wouldn't be set free. Turns out that butterfly may have had a better fate: a flock of birds ate half of the others. Immediately after releasing them. In front of the kids. FML

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By spekledworf - United States - Plymouth

Today, as I wandered through the streets of an unfamiliar city, I spotted a cop and darted across the street to ask for assistance. He kindly gave me directions as he wrote me out a citation for jaywalking. FML

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By Chip - Australia

Today, I went to a cosmetic dentist and got a chip in my tooth filled in that I’d had since I was 7. I went out later and my friend jokingly hit my head against the table a few times to make fun of me showing off my teeth. He slipped. I fell. I now have 2 chipped teeth and a broken nose. FML

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By Drim - Canada

Today, I learned that there is a limit to being thrifty. For example buying a pan from the dollar store is most likely going to cost a lot more than a few dollars. Especially when it melts all over your stove which you now have to replace. FML

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By Ace - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, this guy I was seeing dumped me for "bombarding" him with text messages. I'd sent him one text asking if he was okay, after he stood me up 2 nights in a row. FML

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By Gracie-Ann - United States - Portland

Today, my fiancé paid a visit to my parents so he could ask my dad's permission to marry me. My dad responded with, "Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" FML

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By xxbobsan - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I was quitting the town baseball team. She said "Great. Now we can get someone with actual talent on the team." I laughed because I thought she was joking. She then replied "What's so funny?" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2020 08:08

Public speaking is terrifying

Today, in an attempt to face my phobia of public speaking, I accepted an offer to read to a group of elementary school students. It went well, until I reached a rather funny part in the book and completely lost my composure with uncontrollable laughter. I don't think I'll be asked to come back. FML

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By Kitkat - 2/5/2020 14:00

Experts, schmexperts

Today, my mom took medical advice from her friend over mine. Her friend sells cheese and I'm a pharmacist. FML

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By I don't want to be here anymore - Canada - Edmonton

Today, realized I need a new job. This happened when I was seriously considering ways to break my leg so I could stay at home for a day and not have to deal with my boss. FML

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By sammy18f - United States - Brentwood

Today, a man asked me for directions outside of a local store. After about five minutes into the conversation, I noticed he had whipped his penis out and was stroking it. He then asked me if I liked what I saw. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I found my intoxicated step-father in our back yard trying to domesticate a stray opossum, attempting to give it steak and malt liquor. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had to deal with a snobby rich woman who asked me to cure her daughter's "unhealthy obsession" with playing outside instead of watching TV with the rest of the family. She called me a liar when I said playing outside is a normal thing for a 6 year-old child to do. FML

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By HomicidalPegasus - United States - Bethalto

Today, my girlfriend and I got into an argument while she was in the bathroom. I told her I was leaving her because she's too needy. She came out of the bathroom and threw her used tampon at me. FML

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By kay51 - United Kingdom

Today, my room-mates were inspired by a TV show to make a "douchebag jar", into which we have to put money every time we say something obnoxious. It seems like I can't open my mouth without having to cough up £10. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, I'm seven months pregnant and going to college. I had to use the bathroom, but all of the bathrooms at my building were closed, so I had to walk to the next building, a block away. I didn't make it. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6643761 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 19:32

Jeez, now there's a blast from the past. This is how people from the days of yore were courted, OP. My grandmother framed the dick pic my grandfather first sent. The picture is very well hung.

By heirofhope | 38

#6643752 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 19:27

Move again.

COMMENTS

By heirofhope | 38

#6643752 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 19:27

Move again.

By JohnnyKade | 25

#6643753 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 19:27

Damn. What a ballsy move eh?

Reply

cocacola999 | 27

#6643907 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 22:51

Depends on how exactly the photo was taken - if it was a ballsy move or if he's just a dick.

Reply

Chlo1996 | 15

#6643939 - Wednesday 6 July 2016 0:22

You punny sod

Reply

zaidthunder1 | 27

#6644302 - Wednesday 6 July 2016 12:07

Hahaa.

By bigbrown24 | 17

#6643755 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 19:27

it's safe to say you may have a stalker.

Reply

pokemonareugly | 12

#6644176 - Wednesday 6 July 2016 7:32

Or it might be for someone that used to live there

Reply

Earl_KarmasBitch | 28

#6644276 - Wednesday 6 July 2016 10:42

It had OP's name on it, so unless by a stunning coincidence she has the same name as the previous resident, it was meant for her.

By Welshite | 39

#6643757 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 19:28

Put a penis pump and some pamphlets for viagra in your mailbox. Wait for him to come back. Destroy his ego.

Reply

NNOTCHO | 23

#6643763 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 19:35

Or creep out the male man/lady

Reply

pjsr | 32

#6643932 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 23:54

I wonder how the postman would take that message

By flying_chicken13 | 9

#6643758 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 19:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6643793 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 20:15

Thanks but I really don't intend to live that long...

By Tripartita | 44

#6643761 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 19:32

Jeez, now there's a blast from the past. This is how people from the days of yore were courted, OP. My grandmother framed the dick pic my grandfather first sent. The picture is very well hung.

Reply

zedjaleaf1 | 11

#6643786 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 20:05

Ahhhhhh *ba dum tss*

Reply

soulreaper12296 | 28

#6643911 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 22:57

I love your comments so much.

Reply

S_Gnu | 17

#6643918 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 23:10

This comment just won fmylife. Show's over folks; nothing better can be done.

Reply

delichick | 27

#6643928 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 23:41

This comment made my day! You, my dear, are my absolutely favourite person

Reply

TheStriker316 | 1

#6644098 - Wednesday 6 July 2016 5:13

You waited your whole life to make that joke, didn't you? Lol

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#6644132 - Wednesday 6 July 2016 6:01

Not my WHOLE life, just since I started dropping beautifully addressed dick pics in people's mailboxes.

Reply

wygant23 | 8

#6645428 - Friday 8 July 2016 9:22

Do you get top comment on every post?

Reply

Beeboopbeep | 9

#6650812 - Saturday 16 July 2016 1:32

There is no top comment. It's organized by time.

By BrianCMullin | 3

#6643766 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 19:40

At least he was mature enough to go through the process of printing it out. Seems like perfect boyfriend material if he cares that much about you.

Reply

Elban | 20

#6643771 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 19:44

If he cared that much he would've put it in a frame.?

Reply

mezochan | 29

#6643854 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 21:17

Pfft, if he liked it then he shoulda put a frame on it.

By Oh_No_Not_Him | 25

#6643770 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 19:44

You might want to buy a sturdy bolt for the door!

By blupenguin29 | 14

#6643775 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 19:51

Old school

By SarcasticRoach | 12

#6643777 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 19:55

That's the Welcome Weiner!

Reply

TyroneLeBron | 24

#6643778 - Tuesday 5 July 2016 19:59

Underrated comment is underrated