Miscellaneous: Today, I received a phone call that started with, "Now stay calm...... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I received a phone call that started with, "Now stay calm... Your house is on fire." FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Risky business

One law for me…

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my teacher announced that he'd be out for a week because he was going to Vegas. I happily said, "Woo hoo!" Then he finished his sentence by telling me it was because his dad had died. FML

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By BigBadTron - United States

Today, my girlfriend was sick so I took her 5 year old daughter out to eat. Half-way through our "date" she asks me loudly "Can we go back to the car now and take our clothes off?" Apparently she meant her toy dog's clothes. Face burning, we left a half laughing/half glaring crowd behind. FML

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By feelgood - United States

Today, I woke up on the last day of my vacation at the beach to find that my dog had chewed a hole in the wall of my rented house, 2 hours before the owner arrived to check for any damage. FML

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By mikuxxhatsune - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was the organist for a wedding. I had practiced for weeks, rehearsed with the choir many times and spent hours stressing. During the wedding march, the electric organ malfunctioned, adding on layers of random notes I didn't play. Guess who got yelled at afterwards. FML

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By drewcaver - United States - Houston

Today, a little girl from my Sunday School class approached me and told me she had a stomach ache. She seemed very upset and her face was discolored so I took her to the nurse. While we were walking out the door, I looked down and saw a half-eaten crayon on the floor. That'll do it. FML

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By Aeare_ - United States - Dixon

Today, it was my 21st birthday and I invited a handful of my best friends over. They all stood me up and I drank alone in my apartment. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Snowtoe

Today, I'm at my grandparents' house to help clear snow. I was making a path to the driveway by pushing the snow out of the way. I saw a big pile and went to kick it really hard. Alas, it was a step. FML

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By Mr. X - United States - Southborough

Today, my sister convinced my girlfriend that I cheated on her. All because I took the first slice of her birthday cake. FML

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By checkup - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, I finally hooked up with the girl of my dreams. We went back to her place, and I explored every inch of her body; luscious lips, hourglass curves, genital warts... The worst part was when she got angry when I refused to continue, shouting, "No wonder you're still a virgin!" FML

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By Kristina - United States

Today, I complimented my mom with "Hey, I think you lost some weight." She replied with "Yeah, I think you found it." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2021 08:01

Put a tiger in your tank

Today, a stray cat climbed up into my car's engine for shelter at some point last night. Guess how I found out this morning. FML

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By Cheap N Happy - United States

Today, I went out on a first date. He insisted we go to McDonald's and split a Happy Meal because he "didn't want to waste any money on a first date." FML

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By ilu.xo - Canada

Today, I found out the guy I've been seeing for 3 months lives at home with his parents. He's 30. They live in a '50+ only' housing complex and he sneaks in the side door. FML

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By Ari

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a bottle of champagne for my birthday. This is the third year in a row she has done this. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and she's well aware of that fact. FML

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By Dumbweed - United States

Today, my mom told me she was getting tired of that smell of marijuana in the house. So I confess and tell her I will never bring it home again. She was talking about my neighbors. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sparta

Today, I went to the Doctor's for a mole my husband had said was, "growing and changing color". It turned out to be a wood tick. My husband knew, but said it was too "icky" to take off himself. FML

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By Bigbaby - United States - Ontario

Today, I decided to be the "cool aunt" and take my nephew to a horror movie. I ended up being so scared, I burst into tears. Nothing says "cool" like having an 11-year-old walk a sobbing, grown woman from a theatre. FML

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By thefailwhale - United States - Hartford

Today, it was my birthday. When my crush spotted me in the hallway and wished me a Happy Birthday, my nerves got the best of me and I blurted, "You too". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker's shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. He seemed to be enjoying it, his penis "came out". My boyfriend was walking by and said "at least you turn someone on." FML

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By HWS - Canada

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML

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By Till We Pass Out - United Kingdom - Halifax

Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML

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By ew - United States - Titusville

Today, someone told me that my initials really fit my personality. I took it as a strange compliment, until I realized my initials spell "ew". FML

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By vomitgirl - Australia - Brisbane

Today, during my shift at work, I started to feel really sick and started throwing up. While I had my head in a bag, I had several customers ask me for directions and another customer abuse me for my lack of service. FML

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By overpriced coffee shop worker - United States - Rowland Heights

Today, while working at the coffee shop, I had to empty the garbage cans. One of the bags gave way, and all the half-finished cups of coffee spilled all over my uniform. Most customers' orders cost more than I make per hour. FML

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By lct722 - Canada

Today, I panicked when I saw a spider on my shoulder from the corner of my eye. It was a birthmark. The same one that has been there for the last 23 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newtown Square

Today, my girlfriend launched her own business. I was recently laid off from my job, so I offered to be her very first employee. I now have the glamorous job of bleaching people's assholes. FML

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By ¬_¬ - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my dad walked in on me filming a Harlem Shake video. He stared for a moment, said "Son, I don't have a problem with homosexuals, but... nevermind." then shook his head and walked out. FML

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By ss - Australia

Today, I took my new iPhone into a technician to complain that when people called me, the audio was very quiet and muffled. Convinced it was a fault, I demanded a replacement. That is when he peeled off the factory issued protective screen that covered the ear piece. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2021 01:00 - United Kingdom - London

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but…

Today, it was my birthday. I'd told my wife i would love a new battery drill, finally getting a decent one after all these years, and picked out a few nice ones. I opened the present: another cheap off-brand drill. They "didn't have any of the ones I picked out", but this one came with free drill bits. All useless. FML

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By scribbles1475 - United States

Today, after trying to find the perfect picture for the guy I have a huge crush on, I finally found one and sent it to him. His return picture? Himself in a Batman mask and sombrero. FML

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By ShinedownCM

Today, I went to apply for classes at a college my parents signed me up to do dual credit with. Too bad they used my sister's social security number so I don't get credit for my old classes and my new application got thrown out. FML

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By Lukey1028 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my co-worker handed me the phone and said it was my boyfriend calling, so I answered "Hello, Love!" It was my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Surrey

Today, someone thought it would be funny to steal the precious stuffed bear I've had since childhood and leave a ransom note in its place. FML

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By LonelyOtter

Today, one of my female friends decided she wants a relationship with my ex. I told her I was fine with it because we've been apart for years and have been friends ever since. She then made him chose between being friends with me and having her as a girlfriend. I just lost two of my few friends. FML

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By w_t_f - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of scissors. My mom was cutting my hair while I was asleep. FML

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By mushroomtop

Today, I woke up extremely hung over on a friend's couch after a night of heavy drinking and partying. To my horror, I discovered that, in my drunken state, I'd allowed said friend's six-year-old daughter to trim my hair. I now have a bowl cut. FML

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By Musicfan - United States

Today, my car was broken into, and they stole all my CDs, but left my daughter's Black Eyed Peas CD behind. I'm pretty pissed about the theft, but almost glad to see that the delinquents in my town have a decent taste in music. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my date took nearly 10 minutes to get an erection, had to be shown where the entrance to my vagina was, since he kept missing it and poking me in the thigh, he orgasmed after only 3 thrusts, fell asleep straight away, then an hour later had the nerve to ask if I’d had fun too. FML

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By notgonnaeatthat - Germany - T?bingen

Today, it appears that moth larvae can make a water boiler their home, especially during my absence for four weeks. I learned it the hard way by pouring their boiled carcasses over my noodles. FML

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Top comments

By aintlifeapain | 21

#5625452 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:44

Yep OP, Stay calm. Don't break into a sweat. This is very regular.

By eddeeezzyy | 19

#5625453 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:44

Ummm...I'm assuming at least you're not in your house? I mean, better safe than sorry, right?

COMMENTS

By aintlifeapain | 21

#5625452 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:44

Yep OP, Stay calm. Don't break into a sweat. This is very regular.

Reply

\ | 28

#5625464 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:49

OP, hang up and get out of there. A group of agents is on its way. You've got to hurry.

Reply

aintlifeapain | 21

#5625468 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:51

We don't know if OP is inside...

Reply

ForwardUn2Dawn | 18

#5625539 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 11:01

It's Adele's fault. She's turned into real pyromaniac.

Reply

SherlockWHolmes | 12

#5625569 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 11:48

If you were home, OP, then I'd take this as a sign that someone was watching over you at that moment. If not, though, I do believe we know who set your house on fire. -SH

Reply

nurchok | 15

#5625944 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 18:44

OP, I truly hope this was a wrong number or a prank. If not, sorry for your loss.

By eddeeezzyy | 19

#5625453 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:44

Ummm...I'm assuming at least you're not in your house? I mean, better safe than sorry, right?

Reply

webbface | 25

#5625489 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 10:09

Yeah I don't completely understand this FML. Was it a joke or..?

Reply

cecilk | 29

#5625647 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 13:35

Probably OP was at work.

Reply

SolarFlare | 20

#5626171 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 21:11

#33 that would be the worst joke ever. no matter if OP was inside or not.

By ddlovatolover | 23

#5625454 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:45

Charming.

Reply

NoFlippinWai | 24

#5625487 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 10:08

in the wise words of Douglas Adams, "Dont Panic"

By lennelleong | 33

#5625455 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:45

How do you expect me to stay calm? oh wait - I've got full insurance! (:

Reply

aintlifeapain | 21

#5625460 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:47

I still want to know who called OP to deliver the flaming news...

Reply

NotGabe | 28

#5625517 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 10:37

Jake, from State Farm?

Reply

aintlifeapain | 21

#5625520 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 10:40

Eh, what??

By Dodgydaly | 11

#5625456 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:45

did you get a fiery temper??

By TheGreatAlexande | 12

#5625457 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:46

What we have here is a good Samaritan.

Reply

andrewturtle | 16

#5625682 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 14:34

Or an extremely sadistic pyromaniac...
"Stay calm...your house is on fire. You're welcome."

By perdix | 29

#5625459 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:46

"We don't need no fire, let the motherfucker burn."

Reply

aintlifeapain | 21

#5625461 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:49

It's his home ninja..

Reply

annie_nk | 22

#5625467 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:50

We don't need no fire? I think you meant water.

Reply

aintlifeapain | 21

#5625469 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:52

And now i figure out what it meant.. *facepalm*

Reply

SlapAndTickle | 20

#5625677 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 14:28

#16 Chill out bro. You have 10 comments on one FML. Don't you find that a tad excessive?

Reply

perdix | 29

#5625681 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 14:33

#14, aw, sorry, I was about 80% asleep when I wrote that.

Reply

aintlifeapain | 21

#5625710 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 15:09

I was bored in office...what the hell can I do?

By annie_nk | 22

#5625462 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:49

Keep calm and .... Hmmm. Not sure how to end this one.

Reply

aintlifeapain | 21

#5625473 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:54

Fire away ???

Reply

BlueFlatts | 20

#5625474 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:55

Take pictures.
Outside of the house, preferably.

By beneathitallxx | 15

#5625463 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:49

at least you were warned?

By fml1365 | 30

#5625465 - Tuesday 13 August 2013 9:50

Someone's probably just messin' with you.

Reply

Imhere4fml | 24

#5626642 - Wednesday 14 August 2013 5:31

Not if OP posted on here...