Miscellaneous: Today, I received a phone call at work about an emergency and...

By A - 04/06/2011 19:48 - Canada

Today, I received a phone call at work about an emergency and I had to come home immediately. I arrived to find that no one had been hurt and the house hadn't burned down. The "emergency" was my mom ran out of milk and cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 840

You deserved it 3 301

Miscellaneous

Mama's boy

Dementia or hate? You decide

Thanks Boris!

Family values

By Anonymous - 06/10/2019 12:00 - Croatia

Today, my 11-year-old cousin walked up to me as I was enjoying a glass of wine with friends at my mother's birthday party. Thinking she wouldn't like it anyway, I let her try. The little fucker drank the entire glass in one go, adding, "Usually, daddy gives me vodka." Good to know what my family is up to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 593

You deserved it 580

By Cora - 16/09/2011 14:10 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. His response was, "Thank god, finally." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 704

You deserved it 9 058

By Scat - 15/12/2009 07:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I looked sad. I told him that I found out a co-worker died over the weekend and I failed my final exam. He then informed me that my toilet was clogged again, that he had a lot of work to do, and left. I have to find a plunger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 523

You deserved it 3 100

By ether10 - 04/06/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, my dad asked me to move a potted plant from one side of the yard to the other. It looked like a very heavy pot, so I heaved it up with all my might. Turns out it was one of those heavy-looking ones that are actually light plastic. I fell over backwards and dumped dirt into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 061

You deserved it 19 732

By Anonymous - 20/09/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, I found out that I have testicular cancer for the second time in two years, and they may end up removing my last testicle. Knowing full well I was also born with an extra rib, the doctor at the consultation joked, "Hey, you'll be three quarters of the way to being a woman." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 126

You deserved it 2 682

By ashamed father - 09/03/2014 22:32 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I found out that my 15-year-old son is a prolific creator of My Little Pony themed hentai. I'm not a judgmental man, but he's probably going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 777

You deserved it 8 600

By Anonymous - 24/07/2016 06:40 - United States - Huntsville

Today, after a week of my new neighbor constantly yelling in his native language, I finally complained about the noise. Turns out that's just his normal talking voice. Goodbye sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 713

You deserved it 1 142

Don't feed the trolls

By jacobianscum - 29/11/2015 07:05 - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, after 3 months of successful business at my restaurant, sales are down the shitter. Why? Because some no-life troll started posting loads of bad reviews online. He uses different names, but nothing in the reviews has ever happened. We can't get the reviews taken down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 570

You deserved it 1 624

By eringoBRA - 06/05/2011 14:07 - United States

Today, I walked out of my house, waved at my neighbors, walked through my front yard and into the side yard to turn off the sprinkler. It wasn't until I was back into the house that I remembered I wasn't wearing a top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 153

You deserved it 52 737

Pay up

By ShouldHaveLetHimTakeTheTV - 07/11/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I got a letter in the mail saying I'm being sued by the guy that broke into my house last week. When I walked in and saw him, I tackled him, punched him in the face a time or two, and restrained him with zip ties. I now have to pay for his broken nose and face charges of assault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 184

You deserved it 4 894

By Well okay then - 09/10/2016 17:12 - United States - Palmdale

Today, after letting the painters working on my house know that they're more than welcome to use my restroom, I walked outside only to find three of them pissing in my garden. One even aimed for my tomatoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 246

You deserved it 744

By stressedoutsquaddie - 22/03/2016 21:02 - United Kingdom - York

Today, while away on training with the army, my housemates rang me to tell me some news. They had found a perfect house for next year and they had put an offer on it. The only problem? There are 5 of us and the house is for 4. Guess who hasn't been included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 668

You deserved it 1 287

By Banana_Lord - 11/09/2015 23:50 - United Kingdom - Arbroath

Today, I rode my new bike for the first time. I made it less than 100 feet from my driveway before I was almost flattened by someone driving on the wrong side of the road. Upside: I managed to get out of the way. Downside: I did it by slamming my brand new, expensive bike into a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 380

You deserved it 1 829

By amiadori - 01/05/2009 09:50 - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. When confronted she told me, "I didn't get wet so it wasn't cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 461

You deserved it 5 306

He is worried

By Anonymous - 08/02/2020 01:00

Today, my husband asked with genuine concern if I would be able to breast feed our kids when they are born, since my boobs are so small. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 014

You deserved it 220

By Anonymous - 16/04/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, I was pretending to be an angry bear while babysitting a 3 year old boy, and an 19 month old girl. I was chasing them around the house having a great time. Just when I bent over to pick up his sister for a diaper change the 3 year old decided it was his turn. He bit me square on the ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 079

You deserved it 11 224

People are dingdongs

By Katrina - 22/09/2020 20:02 - United States - Phoenix

Today, a guest came to the front desk and pretended to have a gun under his shirt while demanding passes to the water park. He was shocked when I had security remove him - he thought it was a funny joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 419

You deserved it 86

By TTR - 13/11/2011 00:36 - United States

Today, I finished a very important but annoying presentation that took four hours to complete. Only after writing a paragraph to explain the presentation and sending it to my boss did I realize that I saved the document as "Shit I have to do to get a promotion." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 900

You deserved it 44 587

By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 03:20 - United States

Today, I was giving myself a breast exam for lumps. I heard laughing, looked around and saw that the 12 year-old neighbor and his friends were watching through the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 996

You deserved it 12 460

By anonymous1 - 14/06/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, my sister and I got fitted for bridesmaid's dresses. It was pretty sheer material, so I took off my bright pink thong and left it on the changing room hanger. As I was looking at myself in the mirror, a woman came out of the room holding my thong. She had tried it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 586

You deserved it 10 956

By juliearis - 06/07/2013 19:45 - United States - Westport

Today, my husband received the "antique" samurai sword that he bought on Craigslist with $399.99 of our money. He only shared my outrage at the waste of money when he opened the package, only to find a toy sword along with a note saying, "HAHA, TROLLED." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 702

You deserved it 10 265

By Anonymous - 10/08/2014 18:12 - United Kingdom - Ilminster

Today, I babysat a 6-year-old boy for the first time. When I said it was his bedtime, he just screamed "Eat a dick!" at me. I was so shocked, all I could do was leave him be. When his parents returned, I had to make up an excuse for why he was still awake and watching TV, to save my pride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 229

You deserved it 9 982

By Xena - 25/08/2017 04:30

Today, I was at our hotel waiting for my husband to finish his shower so we could have our anniversary dinner, when hotel security forcefully removed me from the building because they do not allow "prostitutes" to look for clients on their property. They thought I was a hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 635

You deserved it 613

By ElodieUNU - 12/07/2013 19:33 - France

Today, I went on a blind date. The guy greeted me with a "What's up, bitch?", which I wrote off as him just being really laid-back. By dessert, he'd asked me if my boobs are real, then when we finished, asked how many more dates it'd take before I put out. So much for that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 787

You deserved it 7 728

By jonjon - 13/06/2010 13:16 - United States

Today, after spending the evening with friends, I went home and realized that the living room light was on. Thinking someone was robbing me, I hid behind a bush. I got impatient and crept up to the door. Then I remembered that I'd left the light on before I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 928

You deserved it 47 160

By embarassed - 21/04/2011 03:24 - United States

Today, I fell asleep at a party. I farted so loud that I woke myself up. Everyone heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 283

You deserved it 12 917

By (-__- ) ( ^.^) - 11/10/2013 21:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, trying to be romantic, I started coming on to my wife while in bed, only for her to yet again say she wasn't in the mood. When I asked why she never is lately, she sarcastically blamed it on the government shutdown, then rolled over to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 825

You deserved it 6 301

By Anonymous - 21/03/2013 20:43 - United Kingdom - Retford

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I really feel about her, due in no small part to how flirty she's been towards me lately. Turns out she's really just a skank and was trying to make my best friend "jealous". He's gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 099

You deserved it 4 250

By CB4 - 05/02/2009 22:34 - United States

Today, I woke up to my car covered in shaving cream and tampons and the word CHEATER written on my windshield in lipstick. The guy a few doors down from me in my dorm has the same car as me. I'm a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 553

You deserved it 2 426

By Anonymous - 18/09/2010 14:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting picked up by my dad after I had been swimming. I saw his car, so I walked over to it, got in and started talking about how I'd seen my brother. It wasn't until after I had put my seat belt on that I realized I was talking to a complete stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 378

You deserved it 29 318

By 12incher - 15/03/2009 04:45 - United States

Today, I was sitting in math class when I glanced over to the other side of the room and the hottest girl in the school is over there. I could see her thong so I instantly got a boner. About a minute later my teacher calls me up to the board to do a problem. I wore basketball shorts that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 465

You deserved it 42 614

By Anonymous - 07/06/2017 20:00 - United States - Coplay

Today, my neighbor let me know that they've been taking care of my cats while I was away, including letting them in and out of my house. I don't own a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 076

You deserved it 253

Solo

By AmIworthit? - 13/08/2021 10:01 - United States - Ashburn

Today, I had to admit to an attractive coworker that it wasn't a hickey on my neck, but a mosquito bite instead. I then realized how alone I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 672

You deserved it 91

By minustoenail - 12/10/2012 05:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I entered a stairwell, the fire alarm went off, triggering the automatic fire doors to close. The one I was walking through ran over my foot, ripping my toenail, and then smacked me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 429

You deserved it 1 981

Whoops

By mmv - 18/09/2009 00:02 - United States

Today, I took my car into the shop to get a minor problem fixed. I left several hours later, without my car. Why? The mechanic crashed it while out on a test drive to make sure he'd fixed the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 024

You deserved it 2 134

By adad - 01/02/2010 14:34 - France

Today, I was walking by a pond when I saw a small frog. I decided to catch it to get a close look. After I picked it up, I realized that it was not a frog. It was dog shit shaped like a frog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 794

You deserved it 37 954

By Anonymous - 19/11/2012 21:08 - United States - Nutley

Today, I realized I'd put on my shirt on inside out, so I went to the bathroom stalls to fix it. As I was taking it off, I accidentally dropped it in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 564

You deserved it 6 123

By wrongcar - 03/11/2009 18:00 - United States

Today, I was pulled over and was given a $300 ticket for going 90mph on a 70mph highway. The cop swore he saw my silver car darting in and out of traffic. A couple of minutes earlier that exact car had passed me while I was following the speed limit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 214

You deserved it 2 505

By awkwardbf - 09/09/2009 01:26 - United States

Today, I was sitting on my boyfriends lap and we were hanging out, talking, and enjoying each other's company. Then he looked into my eyes and right when I thought he was going to kiss me, he said "I can feel your heartbeat on my dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 762

You deserved it 4 814

By Anonymous - 16/09/2015 02:02 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I filled up my company car with my own debit card, instead of my fuel card. It was the last £40 I had for the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 896

You deserved it 6 962

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Top comments

JacksonCampbell 9

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Sunday 5 June 2011 0:58

Buy a cow.

rattusrattus 18

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Sunday 5 June 2011 1:01

Unless your mother is infirm, I'd say the emergency is that she's a lazy and entitled old bat.

bnvc 0

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Sunday 5 June 2011 0:56

wow.

abbi96x 0

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Sunday 5 June 2011 1:09

But that IS an emergency? What if she was eating Oreos? You can't have Oreos without a glass of milk?

pman590 8

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Sunday 5 June 2011 1:21

Maybe the kitties were trying to steal the milk, well then. Jog on kitties..

mtlooney225 0

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Sunday 5 June 2011 2:29

get her orange juice and candy cigarettes! haha

YacL 15

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Sunday 5 June 2011 3:02

Milk and cigarettes feels like a weird combination to me.

opendoorclosed 8

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Sunday 5 June 2011 3:26

They're actually pretty delicious blended together.

FlipInBrosky 4

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Sunday 5 June 2011 3:42

The real "emergency" is figuring out a lie to tell to your boss/co-workers what had happen

PurpleRae420 0

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Sunday 5 June 2011 3:56

Haha sounds like my mom

WishResign 0

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Sunday 5 June 2011 4:00

-_- this is from the movie Drop Dead Gorgeous... and I'm guessing OP works at a funeral home, applying makeup to dead people while tap dancing.

tsim_fml 0

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Sunday 5 June 2011 4:50

Can't OP's Mother get the milk from her breasts?

boredSOLDIER 33

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Sunday 5 June 2011 4:56

retarded

ohrlynao 0

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Sunday 5 June 2011 6:14

Thank you, #1, for this delightful, insightful comment.

JacksonCampbell 9

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Sunday 5 June 2011 0:58

Buy a cow.

Mitcha857 0

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Sunday 5 June 2011 1:03

that also buys cigarettes for her

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Sunday 5 June 2011 1:13

This is why I treasure and admire my calf.

aardvarkish 15

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Sunday 5 June 2011 3:34

15 is the udder definition of à propo!

stephanie911_fml 0

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Sunday 5 June 2011 4:46

The calf doesn't give you milk, you have to keep a female pregnant. & milk it 3 times a day.

Elenachka 0

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Sunday 5 June 2011 5:01

#44- is there a pun intended? if not, that's utterly the most hilarious typo ever

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Sunday 5 June 2011 5:25

Way to successfully kill the joke, Stephanie.

JacksonCampbell 9

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Sunday 5 June 2011 5:56

64 - You're right. that was udderly hilarious.

EmoGiana 0

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Sunday 5 June 2011 0:59

Damn, she sounds cool.

angelpies 0

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Sunday 5 June 2011 3:26

EmoGiana I have yet to see one of your comments rated positive.

mk58 31

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Sunday 5 June 2011 0:59

The milk is crucial to life. I'm not sure about the cigarettes though.

Lehk 9

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Sunday 5 June 2011 3:47

milk isn't crucial at all, it's actually a pretty lousy food, difficult to digest (impossible for some) it has a lot of fat in it, and when handled improperly it can carry some horrible diseases. there are much better sources of calcium out there too, milk is not needed at all, unless you are a suckling infant, or a baby cow.