Work: Today, I received a panicked email from one of my university...

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I received a panicked email from one of my university students on my course on Russian history, stating that he'd "always thought Stalin was fake, like the moon landing". FML

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Work

Out of it

Messed up

PSA

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to flirt with my girlfriend since I'm really busy and we can't always be together. I tell her online that I think she's hot and she responds "Keep talking I have to pee". FML

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By Less - Reserved

Today, I decided to improve my posture by sitting through all of my classes with my shoulders and back completely straight. Pretty soon I couldn't move my shoulders at all. I had to go to the chiropractor. It turns out that in trying to improve my posture, I misaligned my spine instead. FML

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By fatty - United States

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

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By yosmurf

Today, my son proudly announced to me that he has been learning to cut out shapes at school, and that he'd cut out some ovals and wanted to show me. He showed me the pictures of Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson and Jackson and their corresponding bills. FML

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By a2 - Australia - Bayswater

Today, my boyfriend admitted to subtly encouraging me to do stupid things because he finds my "bimbo moments" hilarious. FML

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By cman - Romania

Today, I was walking past a group of old men exiting a building. All of a sudden, I heard a strange splashing sound, and discovered one of the completely inebriated men walking behind me, pissing on my boots. I sped up, but so did he, and he didn't miss once until he was done. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her parents' house. They told me I smelled of cheap vodka. When I told them I worked in a bio lab and used ethanol a lot, they said I was too stupid to do anything like that. My girlfriend broke up with me because her parents think I'm a drunk. FML

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By FML_Fan86 - 23/1/2021 20:02

Moobs are great

Today, I finally got a "sexy" pic from my boyfriend. It's of his man boobs. They're bigger than mine. FML

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By xxx - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I watched porn on my phone for the first time and it went black and shut down. In reality my phone just died. But I thought for a few seconds the government found me out. Paranoia much. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, after I explained to my waitress that I have an allergy to butter, she nonetheless put some on my baked potato. When I had her get me another, without butter, she came back with one and then asked if I would like butter with it. FML

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By JillianJuneBug

Mexican Standoff

Today, I had no choice but to use a public bathroom. I have issues going when there are others in the stalls, and apparently another person did as well. We both sat there in silence, waiting stubbornly for the other to give up and leave so we could go. It’s been 20 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 08:01

In all my days…

Today, I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown, and poured my heart out to a doctor, who seemed to be well over 60. She looked at me, flabbergasted and said, "I never met anyone with that many problems!" Gee, thanks. FML

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By SupermarketSally - Australia - Perth

Today, a customer threw a bottle of milk at me because we'd moved our smoke counter 6 months earlier during our renovations. Moved it five metres to the right that is. He marched out of the store, then marched back, grabbed the milk from my hands, threw $5 at me and then left again. FML

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By Rekt - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

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By anonymous1 - United States

Today, my sister and I got fitted for bridesmaid's dresses. It was pretty sheer material, so I took off my bright pink thong and left it on the changing room hanger. As I was looking at myself in the mirror, a woman came out of the room holding my thong. She had tried it on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says "I see no damage" and drives away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed a spot of water on the floor. I thought my cats had spilled a cup of water and didn't worry about it. I went to a meeting and when I came back, my entire apartment was flooded with 3 inches of water. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, everyone commented on how realistic my "fat suit" was. I didn't dress up for Halloween. FML

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By Kenny - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, I noticed my laptop kept shutting down and the mouse cursor was all over the place, clicking on every folder. I dismantled the entire computer only to notice something in one of my USB drives: the receiver to a wireless mouse my colleague put there earlier to play a prank on me. 5ML

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By Jessica - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop 'pretending to be daddy' against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML

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By Toilettrash - United States

Today, I was brutally dumped over webcam, by my boyfriend, who was taking a dump with the laptop on his lap. FML

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By spaceavery - United States - Gresham

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

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By fuck you right back, cockspit - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the creepy guy I turned down for a date almost six years ago, sent me a box of rotting flowers with a note calling me a cunt. FML

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By UnicornWaffles - United States - Wooster

Today, I saw the guy I've been seeing passing by my dorm. I called out to him, but he covered his ears and crossed the street. Well, at least I have ice cream in my fridge. FML

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By ladyofzanarkand

He doesn't even go here!

Today, I had my high school piano recital. The entire time I was playing, one of my classmates sitting up front kept booing me and yelling "YOU SUCK" at the top of his lungs. He drowned out the entire song. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I opened my email expecting to see messages from my friends and family wishing me a happy birthday, but there were none. There were Happy Birthday messages from Pizza Hut and Victoria's Secret, however. FML

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By nonymous human subject - United States - Palo Alto

Today, I got to my human anatomy class with a hickey on my neck. Since I sit in the front row, my professor noticed and decided to call me to the front. He then started talking about ruptured blood vessels and hickeys, all while as I served as the subject. FML

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By LonelyPorkChop - Australia

Today, rather than buying one pork chop big enough for myself, I bought two smaller chops just so the cashier wouldn't think I was eating by myself. FML

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By Not Mrs Soprano - United States - Irvington

Today, my husband's recent obsession with The Sopranos since James Gandolfini died went a step further into the ridiculous, when he tried to encourage some ducks to land in our swimming pool by throwing loaves of bread into it, while bellowing at them with a 'Noo Joisey' Wise Guy accent. FML

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By Failure

Today, despite having glowing recommendations, stellar grades, and an impressive resumé, I was rejected by all 15 colleges that I applied to. No explanation or reasons have been given, and it's too late to apply to any more. FML

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By Daddy - United States - Lawrenceville

Today, I fell off of the deck in my backyard, which wouldn't have been that bad if my drunk, idiot brother hadn't jumped off behind me yelling, "FINISH HIM!" while delivering a bone-crushing body slam. He is fine. I, however, am currently getting a cast for a broken arm. FML

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By katiekat - United States

Today, my ex looked at me for the first time in months. I felt like I could fly. Seconds later my flight ended. I fell down the stairs. FML

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By crazycora - Belgium

Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML

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By Absent - France

Today, my friends let me win at strip poker so I wouldn't take off my clothes. FML

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By m??

Mansplaining 101

Today, as always, my boyfriend is better than me at everything, including skills that I have years of experience with, while he has none. FML

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By Username - Canada

Today, I hit a new low when I caught myself eating the chocolates that were meant to be part of my boyfriend's Christmas presents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home with my dad after buying a new truck. We were on the freeway and the engine wasn't revving up very much. My dad thought that something was wrong with my transmission, so he reached over to change gears. Most cars won't go into reverse at high speeds. Mine does. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's been two weeks since I honked, screamed, and cussed at a cyclist on the road. Since then, my car has been keyed, my tires have been slashed, bricks have been thrown at my windows, and my number has been put on Craigslist as a gay prostitute. FML

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By John - United States

Today, while walking home I was jumped by two guys, one of whom shouted, "You shouldn't have run your mouth off, Rick!" My name is John. Only after they repeatedly axe-kicked me in the chest did they realize their mistake. It now hurts to breathe. FML

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By geek - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had to explain to my boss that DVI ports are not the same as HDMI ports. When I showed him the HDMI cable, he said, "Oh! You mean USB!" He's an engineering manager. FML

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Top comments

By whatcase | 16

#6187824 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:08

How did he make it onto a university?

By thes7274473 | 19

#6187821 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:07

I weep for humanity

COMMENTS

By yerrkiddingme | 2

#6187820 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:07

paranoid!!

MetalxSoldier | 26

#6187897 - Friday 30 January 2015 18:19

How is he paranoid? Also I hope your student was just "Stalin" for extra time op because if he was serious, I don't think he has a good chance of passing your class.

DaDezza244 | 31

#6187922 - Friday 30 January 2015 18:35

Not paranoid #1, but very ignorant

guynamedsky | 15

#6187954 - Friday 30 January 2015 19:12

this is what you did with 1st comment?

DArthurVaderian | 18

#6191685 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 2:07

It can be paranoia, they believe the government lied about the moon landing.

By thes7274473 | 19

#6187821 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:07

I weep for humanity

WildJaw | 15

#6187888 - Friday 30 January 2015 18:13

It wasn't her fault. She was just stalin'

james_galvin_ | 5

#6191122 - Tuesday 3 February 2015 13:22

Yep

By carolyn_m | 19

#6187822 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:07

This made me cringe..

By phaelnb | 26

#6187823 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:07

Imagine what will happen when you show him the picture with Stalin, Churchill and the US president whose name I forget.

julianbozikovic | 20

#6187851 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:23

I think it was Roosevelt who was in that picture...if my memory still works haha!

FieldLeftBlank | 20

#6187860 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:32

Imagine what'll happen when he shows him a picture of Stalin on the moon.

lilybadilly25 | 15

#6187949 - Friday 30 January 2015 19:08

Easy, #4..! It's photoshopped! Ha!

noah_1234 | 24

#6188868 - Saturday 31 January 2015 20:50

#16 it was president woodrow wilson

DaDezza244 | 31

#6257729 - Thursday 9 April 2015 19:04

It was President Roosevelt and later Truman. Woodrow Wilson was president in ww1

By whatcase | 16

#6187824 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:08

How did he make it onto a university?

GGFeminist | 1

#6188388 - Saturday 31 January 2015 6:38

its because collage admissions are biased in favor of males

By Kiki242 | 19

#6187828 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:09

Conspiracy theories....

nietzche | 8

#6189938 - Monday 2 February 2015 5:57

True theories*

caleb_9756 | 14

#6190030 - Monday 2 February 2015 9:00

Stalin? Real.

Moon landing? Ehh... I don't think so..

By kingkobrastrikes | 13

#6187830 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:10

Well it looks like you have your job cut out for you, teach! Hopefully this student knows more than they put on.

BasedgodFYB | 8

#6189342 - Sunday 1 February 2015 7:54

More than they LET on

By Ashwathi | 21

#6187831 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:10

That's when I wonder how these kids get into a University...

By purelymixed | 17

#6187838 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:14

Wait, what?

jerryj | 27

#6187846 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:19

With the time you took to type this, you could have re-read the FML to try to make better sense of what little there is ;)

purelymixed | 17

#6187936 - Friday 30 January 2015 18:45

What?

xninix_fml | 36

#6187963 - Friday 30 January 2015 19:23

@31 get out.

purelymixed | 17

#6188017 - Friday 30 January 2015 21:00

Wait

grimpeeper | 13

#6190416 - Monday 2 February 2015 19:57

Stay out.

By Philintheblankz | 14

#6187839 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:15

Your student was Putin on a show. Clearly he's Stalin on his Sputnik project.