Today, I realized the sweet, sensitive girl I was talking to...

By jquaw - 28/9/2014 17:12 - Canada - Brockville

Today, I realized the sweet, sensitive girl I was talking to on a dating site was actually my brother trolling me for fun. FML

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Love

Messed up

Dangling modifier

Fashion Police

By Biological - 11/2/2010 12:22 - United States

Today, I found out that I was not adopted and in fact my parents are my biological parents. How did I find out? Over dinner. How long have I been believing I was adopted? 22 years. Why did I start believing I was adopted? My siblings thought it would be a funny joke. My mom played along. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 02:00

Yummy, apple crumble!

Today, I accidentally cooked my new Apple Pencil. Being magnetic, it stuck to a baking tray that was put down on the table I’d been drawing at, and went in the oven. FML

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By Unteachable - 8/2/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, as a high school English teacher, I had to read submissions for a writing contest. The entries were filled with words like "irregardless", "could of", "acrost", and "ain't". These papers were supposedly written by the best students in the school. FML

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By Deep Sigh - 14/8/2017 23:15

Deep Sigh? More like Deep Throat

Today, I wanted to get my mind off my ex, so like any other guy I decided to watch some porn and jack it. I see one video with a familiar looking room so I click on it. Guess who I saw getting it from some dude? So much for forgetting about my ex. FML

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By TimeForACareerChange - 18/7/2012 00:54 - United States

Today, I told a patient that we needed to collect a stool sample. I left the room momentarily to retrieve what the patient would need. He apparently didn't need anything besides the counter in the exam room. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2016 18:36 - United States - Ridgewood

Today, I saw a homeless man on the street and decided to give him the dollar bill I had left in my wallet. He said "Thank you" then as I turned to walk away, he muttered "Cheap-ass cunt". FML

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By poro123 - 5/11/2012 05:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandmother said to me, "You look just like your mother did at your age. Except you're fatter of course." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2011 22:33 - United States

Today, I found out that all the everyday Spanish words and phrases my boyfriend has been teaching me have very vulgar meanings. I found this out after I said a few to our waitress. FML

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By iamgodzilla - 14/5/2015 02:55 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got a friend request on Facebook. It's from the person who crashed into my car earlier in the month. It's funny that she doesn't return my calls or messages, but liked my status about the accident. FML

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By dickhead - 10/4/2015 22:17 - United States

Today, I bought a garden gnome to spice up my lawn. Tonight, someone threw it right through my living room window. Not only will the repairs cost a ton, my neighbor keeps saying stupid shit to me, like "You must be shattered" and "Looks like you ain't got a window gnome... more." FML

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By Lifetime Presents: - 6/7/2016 11:50 - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out my fiancé is already married. His "crazy ex-wife" is not all that crazy, and is still his wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Lakeville

#winning

Today, I placed $20 in a slot machine at a casino and in a matter of 5 minutes lost it all. My sister then sat at the same machine, put her $20 in and quadrupled her money. FML

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By My spit everywhere - 30/12/2016 07:48 - United States - La Grange Park

Today, I went to the dentist. She had a tool that sucks up saliva, and put it in my mouth. She told me to close my mouth, and I did. Turns out she forgot to turn it on, causing my saliva to go all over my face. I had to sit like that for the rest of the visit. FML

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By dummy441 - 21/4/2009 03:14 - United States

Today, when I was walking in to the grocery store, a van pulls up and a bunch of guys get out who look really drunk. I jokingly said to the sober-looking man who had driven the van "Sucks you have to be the designated driver!" Turns out the "Drunk" guys were actually mentally challenged. FML

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By Noname - 18/2/2009 15:43 - United States

Today, I was secretly listening to a voicemail from my mom in maths class when I accidentally hit the speaker phone button. My whole math class now knows I have a gyno appointment at 9:45 on March 11. FML

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By expassword - 17/12/2010 00:20 - United States

Today, I asked my wife for her computer password because my computer crashed. After minutes of begging she finally told me. Turns out that her password happens to be her ex's name. FML

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By franky - 25/3/2013 21:45 - Germany - Brunswick

Today, at a romantic dinner my boyfriend was treating me to, the waiter brought a "Will you marry me?" cake out with candles and sparklers. I probably should have checked that they'd brought it to the right table before dramatically screaming "Yes!" and jumping into my boyfriend's arms. They hadn't. FML

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By Noca - 23/3/2009 01:02 - United States

Today, I was eating with my boyfriend and his family at a high-end restaurant when, suddenly, I screamed, thinking a dog had just bitten my leg. I am terrified of dogs. I kicked my under-the-table assailant as hard as I could. It was my boyfriend's adorable five-year-old sister. FML

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By DED - 21/3/2019 12:00 - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out that a co-worker has been promoted to Store Manager. She has been here for less than 6 months, and I have been with the company for 10 years. Guess who has been training her for the last 6 months. FML

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By Adam - 24/5/2011 05:54

Today, while I was walking home, I noticed an elderly man in a wheel chair trying to paint his garage so I went over to help. His response was verbal abuse and a slap to the face with a wet paint brush. FML

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By Madison Gliosci - 16/8/2018 14:30

Today, I’m spending my 21st birthday in the hospital getting a colonoscopy and endoscopy. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By ThatEndedWell - 7/1/2019 22:00 - United States - Staten Island

Today, I decided to challenge the jerk jock at work to a fight, since he kept poking fun at me for being a weakling. Having started taking MMA classes, I was confident I'd make him eat his words. Just my luck, he's an MMA instructor and kicked my ass effortlessly. Not what I had planned. FML

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By lct722 - 16/3/2012 05:54 - Canada

Today, I panicked when I saw a spider on my shoulder from the corner of my eye. It was a birthmark. The same one that has been there for the last 23 years. FML

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By First World Problems - 8/1/2016 14:34 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got my wisdom teeth out. Afterwards, my parents thought it would be a great idea to have my favourite meal. I got to watch them enjoy it. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 19:11 - United States - Ontario

Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML

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By winks - 9/11/2016 19:06 - United States - Reno

Today, I got into a car accident that was my fault. The other driver was my professor. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I took a look at my boyfriend's videocamera. On it were several videos of me on the toilet. My boyfriend has been hiding the videocamera in the bathroom airvent, and taping me taking dumps for the past three months. FML

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By Alexandra - 8/12/2016 20:00 - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, my fiancé completely missed the birth of our first child because he had started watching a new series on Netflix and really wanted to know how it ended. By the time he made it to the hospital our daughter was already 7 hours old. FML

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By KittenTitz - 3/5/2020 20:00

Planned parenthood

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I also found out that the dad has a fiancée. FML

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By caitplaysguitar - 9/2/2010 14:56 - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend pick all the dead skin off of his feet. And then fling it at me. FML

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By stinkypits - 23/6/2020 14:00

The pits

Today, I started six weeks of radiation on my left axillary region. Besides not being able to shave my armpit, I also can’t use lotion of any kind near the area, nor wear deodorant. This wouldn’t be a problem except it’s summer and I live in Southern California. The sweat is killing me. FML

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By disappointed - 20/9/2013 16:30 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving the testicles of her boyfriend, who had apparently snuck in through her window. FML

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By Queen_Dread - 4/5/2012 07:19 - United States - Ocean Park

Today, my fiancé and I appeared in the paper for obtaining our marriage license. In the same column half way down his parents appeared for filing their marriage dissolution petition. FML

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By madfather - 23/2/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML

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By fire - 15/3/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, I interviewed for a full scholarship to college. In the interview I said that I was excited about the new dean because I think she’ll be able to really make improvements and bring the school back to where it used to be. After the interview, I learned my interviewer was the former dean. FML

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By chieftain - 9/5/2012 19:34 - Norway - T?nsberg

Today, I am defending a client on trial for perjury. She is a sweet girl and the first person I've loved in years, but she keeps doing everything she can to make herself look guilty in front of the jury. Now I'm having a daily crisis of conscience in the middle of the courtroom. FML

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By worstwaytodumpagirl - 28/12/2013 22:34 - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my boyfriend bought me a pair of jeans. I couldn't fit into them, and he reacted to this by saying I've gotten too fat for him, and he can't be with me anymore. I took them off and saw they were a size 4. I've been a size 8 for the past 2 years, and he knows this. FML

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By Soaked - 31/7/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, there was a 10-minute cloudburst. It started 30 seconds after I parked my car and ended 30 seconds after I arrived at the office. Now the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and I look like I took a shower fully clothed. Oh, and I'm wearing thin white pants. FML

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By Kilania - 10/9/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend was talking about video games. Bored of the subject, I started kissing his neck and chest in hopes of him to stop talking and getting some action. He did stop, only for him to say about a minute later, "You're lucky my games can't do this." FML

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By fatty - 9/6/2009 08:39 - Germany

Today, I met my cousin after two years. She got really tall and skinny, like a model. I joked saying, "You've grown and gotten slim, and I've stayed the same and have gotten fat." I expected some sort of disagreement. Instead, she looked me up and down, frowned, and gave me a long, sympathetic hug. FML

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Top comments

By Pleonasm | 34

#6076345 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:11

The heart wants what it wants right?

By imyy | 20

#6076407 - Monday 29 September 2014 0:11

At least they weren't sexting - now THAT would've been awkward :-)

COMMENTS

By nikkipettyfer | 24

#6076343 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:11

That's awkward

imyy | 20

#6076407 - Monday 29 September 2014 0:11

At least they weren't sexting - now THAT would've been awkward :-)

russfml | 31

#6076420 - Monday 29 September 2014 0:31

Who said they weren't lol

TheTacoMan | 24

#6076861 - Monday 29 September 2014 14:29

Date your brother OP!

Mr_Saikaly | 35

#6076957 - Monday 29 September 2014 16:28

Payback time!

By DaMann360 | 19

#6076344 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:11

The really question is, is this comment going to be the first one?

redstone7693 | 29

#6076813 - Monday 29 September 2014 13:43

What did this comment say to get moderated?

By Pleonasm | 34

#6076345 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:11

The heart wants what it wants right?

evilamoebaattack | 20

#6076356 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:15

the way to a man's heart is through his stomach... or through his sibling

MarshalR | 11

#6076869 - Monday 29 September 2014 14:41

Good thing you figured out before it turned into an episode of Catfish

By thedeej | 10

#6076346 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:11

Sorry to hear. Sucks that your brothers an ass.

kingdomgirl94 | 28

#6076380 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:32

His brother clearly needs to be beaten.

sayyestothedress | 24

#6076464 - Monday 29 September 2014 1:51

No shot Sherlock!

mathen | 9

#6076473 - Monday 29 September 2014 2:11

Is No in prison?

rhysfucker | 24

#6076479 - Monday 29 September 2014 2:31

Brother's

sayyestothedress | 24

#6076530 - Monday 29 September 2014 4:18

*shit

By ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6076347 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:11

Wincest!

rainbowdog | 17

#6076389 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:44

No, just no.

ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6076423 - Monday 29 September 2014 0:35

Yes, just yes.

ahippienamedrae | 10

#6076454 - Monday 29 September 2014 1:27

That's disgusting

tournamentdecide | 33

#6076495 - Monday 29 September 2014 3:01

Why? Just why?

ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6076500 - Monday 29 September 2014 3:11

Because, wincest.

sarah5745 | 41

#6076567 - Monday 29 September 2014 5:03

Please stop..

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6076632 - Monday 29 September 2014 6:21

well this thread didn't go the way you thought...

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6076664 - Monday 29 September 2014 7:05

Your /b/ is showing, 5. Cover that shit up. It's nothing to be proud of.

By MentalMonkey333 | 7

#6076350 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:13

Time to figure out how to get him back now!

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6076633 - Monday 29 September 2014 6:22

that's childish for an ex...

By Sports_guy3 | 28

#6076351 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:14

Brotherly love at its finest.

Welshite | 39

#6076355 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:15

Yeah, but they didn't have to make it official.

Sports_guy3 | 28

#6076370 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:23

True, true

By okay33 | 12

#6076354 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:14

At least he was being sweet and sensitive...

LittleBells | 17

#6076539 - Monday 29 September 2014 4:38

Its what a lot of girls want?

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6076665 - Monday 29 September 2014 7:06

Sure. Want to put in the friendzone, that is.

Sports_guy3 | 28

#6077485 - Tuesday 30 September 2014 5:34

Matter of opinion

By DaMann360 | 19

#6076358 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:16

What does it mean for a comment to be being moderated?

OhWhoCares | 42

#6076363 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:19

I'm not 100% sure so don't quote me on this, but I think it means the comment was moderated.....

By sarah5745 | 41

#6076361 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:16

Well at least he was being sweet..