Love: Today, I realized the sweet, sensitive girl I was talking to...

By jquaw - Canada - Brockville

Today, I realized the sweet, sensitive girl I was talking to on a dating site was actually my brother trolling me for fun. FML

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Love

Big baby man

Zoomers zooming

Bye then!

By Anonymous - Spain - Las Palmas

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the airport for some much needed vacation time. We arrived on time but were stopped at the gate when they told me I didn't have the right passport. The plane left without me. My girlfriend did too. FML

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By Sonotsuave - United States - Arlington

Today, I rushed home after my mom called saying our upstairs had flooded. Apparently, my little brother somehow broke the toilet while unsupervised and water overflowed everywhere. It even reached my closet, shoes, and books, and everything touching my floor in my room is now wet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told my roommate about a trick he had used by filling nail holes with toothpaste when he moved out. When I came home with putty to fill the holes, there were blue spots all over the walls. She had filled them with blue gel toothpaste. Now I get to repaint, too. FML

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By wooed - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 2 months has been faking his southern accent. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was helping my friend pack her carry on for her vacation. I drove her to the airport, and after her plane took off, I noticed I put my cell phone in her purse. Her vacation is 2 months long. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I planned a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I invited all his friend and made all his favorite food. He was running very late, so I called to ask what was taking so long. His response? He said he was at his house, with the very friends I was standing next to. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I auditioned for the role of Rizzo in a local production of Grease. The director told me I wasn't tough enough, and that my persona too sweet and childlike for the part. I asked if I should instead try out to play Sandy. He replied "I was being nice. Honestly, you're ugly and can't act." FML

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By DJ Clitter - United States

Today, I was in the car with my daughter, when I narrowly missed hitting a car after running a stop sign. After she screamed at me and demanded to know what I was doing, I had to admit that I'd been daydreaming about David Bowie. FML

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By Chubby - United States - Lake Worth

Today, my grandmother came to visit and asked me, "Did you change your hair, or are you just fatter now?" FML

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By mrmarshall

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss pulled me into his office and gave me a write-up for quitting, told me that he knows where I live and that I'd better be at work tomorrow or he's going to come and drag me into work. FML

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By fuckshit

Today, I witnessed a hit-and-run. I used my phone to write down the license plate for the police. However, I didn't notice that my phone had autocorrected the number. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while on vacation, I got fired for not working a shift I wasn't scheduled for. Even after texting my boss a copy of my vacation approval letter, she still fired me. FML

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By Anonameow

Today, I woke up to an unexpected surprise for my birthday. It wasn't cake, nor ice cream. It was hundreds of baby spiders crawling all over me. FML

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13810

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By alexander - United States - Longmont

Today, my girlfriend really needed to take a pee while we were fishing in my boat. Rather than go to shore, she decided to she could just go into a Snapple bottle. I watched as all her pee went straight onto the floor of my boat, soon realizing she had never even taken the bottle's cap off. FML

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By FMarinasL - United States

Today, I asked my mother to pay back the $50 she owes me. Rather than paying me back, she raced off to "work". She's been unemployed for 3 years. FML

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By PC Jones - Australia

Today, it was my first day as a police officer. A couple of hours into the shift, we got a call. A man was drunkenly jeering and urinating on parked cars. That man turned out to be my father. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, my class went to Berlin. At the subway station, our teacher told us to get on the next train. I was the first one to get on and the only one who didn't hear her saying: 'Wait, that's the wrong one!' I'm lost in a city I've never been before. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Parker

Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML

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By public pooper - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I really like. I let him use my phone, forgetting about the messages I'd sent about the consistency of my bowel movements. FML

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By ThanksAsshole - 28/3/2020 20:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, I got fired from a business I ran for almost 6 years. Why? The new owner refuses to close, despite our governor ordering non-essential businesses to close, and for people to stay home. I told her I wasn’t comfortable working, and that it was technically illegal. So she fired me in a group chat. FML

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By couturier - France

Today, I emptied out a bottle of water onto my porch as I was going into my house. Only a couple of hours later, I decided to leave and slipped on what had turned into ice, bruised my tailbone and sprained my wrist. FML

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By lowly worker

Today, I nearly lost a hand at work, because a supervisor decided to remove a 'useless' safety guard on a machine despite my warnings. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset with him. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out I was born as a result of someone switching my mom's birth control pills with tic tac. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I gave my name for a lunch order, I even spelled it out for the cashier. When my food was ready, they screamed "Labia," in the restaurant full of people. My name is Nadia. FML

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By wo-ow - United States - Bronx

Today, I fell down the stairs and broke my leg. My dad helped me to the car so he could drive me to the hospital, but when he saw our neighbor, he went over and had a 15 minute screaming match with him over how his dog keeps shitting on our lawn, all while I sat in the car in agony. FML

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By TotallyDoneDating

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 2 years lost her virginity on a cruise last week. FML

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By lpara89

Today, my 7-month pitbull chewed up a framed picture of my parents and another framed picture of my other pitbull. Maybe he's mad I don't have any pictures of him framed yet. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my mom and I staged an intervention for my alcoholic dad. Within minutes he'd turned everything around on us, claiming we're in no position to judge him for drinking since we use "too much water" when we shower. Apparently that's on the same level as being an abusive alcoholic. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my brother and I drove 3 hours to pick up our puppy. The woman we bought him from said not to put him in the cage for the ride home as he would pee for sure. She recommended I put him on my lap. Not only did he shit on the seat backing out of her driveway, he pissed on me an hour later. FML

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By bras r expensive ppl

Today, I realized I was at a top quality ski resort when, while riding the lift, I counted three bras which appeared to have been thrown into the trees from the lift. My little brother counted eight. FML

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By ihavenothing - United States

Today, my mom told me that she was selling my favorite thing in the world, my trombone. The only thing that I'm good at is the trombone. FML

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By bhnja_ - Philippines - Mandaue

Today, I got cut from my track team. My coach told me it was because my sprints were "too fast" for his liking. Huh? FML

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By lottielondon - United Kingdom

Today, my garage was flooded. Everything was ruined. My garage also happens to be my study, in which my entire art coursework was drying. My exam is tomorrow and all I have to hand in is a pile of mushy paper. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to help pick a jury for trial. I had to do a roll call to make sure that everyone was present. I stood up in front of a packed courtroom and said, “Okay, I’m going to do a roll call to make sure that everyone is here and pregnant.” Everyone laughed at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I confirmed that my neighbors burn their garbage in their backyard. How? My dog just threw up a nice smelly consistency of spaghetti, plastic and cigarette butts on my carpet. FML

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By pierced. - United States - Reno

Today, I went to a seamstress to be fitted for my wedding dress and left with a pierced nipple. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he was being for Halloween. He said "Single". FML

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By capcha - United States

Today, I was holding a yard sale. A man came up to me and asked if he could buy a pair of red and white sneakers that I'd found in my attic and had never worn. Five bucks later, he was walking away with what I now realize was the pair of shoes signed by Michael Jordan given to me by my uncle. FML

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By Unemployed - Australia - Hinchinbrook

Today, I discovered that my supervisor, who I thought liked me, actually thinks I am incompetent and lack emotional intelligence. I'm a student nurse and I've just listed her as my reference for our single, statewide job application. There's no way to change it. FML

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Top comments

By Pleonasm | 34

#6076345 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:11

The heart wants what it wants right?

By imyy | 20

#6076407 - Monday 29 September 2014 0:11

At least they weren't sexting - now THAT would've been awkward :-)

COMMENTS

By nikkipettyfer | 24

#6076343 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:11

That's awkward

imyy | 20

#6076407 - Monday 29 September 2014 0:11

At least they weren't sexting - now THAT would've been awkward :-)

russfml | 31

#6076420 - Monday 29 September 2014 0:31

Who said they weren't lol

TheTacoMan | 24

#6076861 - Monday 29 September 2014 14:29

Date your brother OP!

Mr_Saikaly | 35

#6076957 - Monday 29 September 2014 16:28

Payback time!

By DaMann360 | 19

#6076344 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:11

The really question is, is this comment going to be the first one?

redstone7693 | 29

#6076813 - Monday 29 September 2014 13:43

What did this comment say to get moderated?

By Pleonasm | 34

#6076345 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:11

The heart wants what it wants right?

evilamoebaattack | 20

#6076356 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:15

the way to a man's heart is through his stomach... or through his sibling

MarshalR | 11

#6076869 - Monday 29 September 2014 14:41

Good thing you figured out before it turned into an episode of Catfish

By thedeej | 10

#6076346 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:11

Sorry to hear. Sucks that your brothers an ass.

kingdomgirl94 | 28

#6076380 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:32

His brother clearly needs to be beaten.

sayyestothedress | 24

#6076464 - Monday 29 September 2014 1:51

No shot Sherlock!

mathen | 9

#6076473 - Monday 29 September 2014 2:11

Is No in prison?

rhysfucker | 24

#6076479 - Monday 29 September 2014 2:31

Brother's

sayyestothedress | 24

#6076530 - Monday 29 September 2014 4:18

*shit

By ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6076347 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:11

Wincest!

rainbowdog | 17

#6076389 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:44

No, just no.

ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6076423 - Monday 29 September 2014 0:35

Yes, just yes.

ahippienamedrae | 10

#6076454 - Monday 29 September 2014 1:27

That's disgusting

tournamentdecide | 33

#6076495 - Monday 29 September 2014 3:01

Why? Just why?

ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6076500 - Monday 29 September 2014 3:11

Because, wincest.

sarah5745 | 41

#6076567 - Monday 29 September 2014 5:03

Please stop..

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6076632 - Monday 29 September 2014 6:21

well this thread didn't go the way you thought...

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6076664 - Monday 29 September 2014 7:05

Your /b/ is showing, 5. Cover that shit up. It's nothing to be proud of.

By MentalMonkey333 | 7

#6076350 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:13

Time to figure out how to get him back now!

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6076633 - Monday 29 September 2014 6:22

that's childish for an ex...

By Sports_guy3 | 28

#6076351 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:14

Brotherly love at its finest.

Welshite | 39

#6076355 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:15

Yeah, but they didn't have to make it official.

Sports_guy3 | 28

#6076370 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:23

True, true

By okay33 | 12

#6076354 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:14

At least he was being sweet and sensitive...

LittleBells | 17

#6076539 - Monday 29 September 2014 4:38

Its what a lot of girls want?

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6076665 - Monday 29 September 2014 7:06

Sure. Want to put in the friendzone, that is.

Sports_guy3 | 28

#6077485 - Tuesday 30 September 2014 5:34

Matter of opinion

By DaMann360 | 19

#6076358 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:16

What does it mean for a comment to be being moderated?

OhWhoCares | 42

#6076363 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:19

I'm not 100% sure so don't quote me on this, but I think it means the comment was moderated.....

By sarah5745 | 41

#6076361 - Sunday 28 September 2014 23:16

Well at least he was being sweet..