Miscellaneous: Today, I realized the closest person I have to a friend is the... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 0

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 706

27/12/2009 12:40

Today, I realized the closest person I have to a friend is the debt collector who calls me every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 907

You deserved it 6 650

Mother of the year

This Charming Man

Still pining

23/04/2009 13:35

Today, I sent my boyfriend of three and a half years a text message spilling my heart out, saying I'll love him forever, and how much I appreciate him in my life, that I want to be the mother of his children, etc. His text back to me? "Are you drunk?!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 012

You deserved it 67 445

17/12/2012 18:16

Today, while doing our Christmas shopping, my sister showed me a product that she really hated. The same one I bought her for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 781

You deserved it 4 437

15/12/2010 17:22

Today, I was listening to music while I wrapped Christmas presents. All was going well when the music was cut off, literally. I snipped the cable to my very expensive headphones in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 185

You deserved it 34 946

07/09/2009 15:39

Today, my mum grounded me for going to my boyfriend's house instead of the library. She said my boyfriend's mum phoned up because she could hear us having it off in his room. When I denied it my mum shouted at me for being a liar as well as a slut. I did go to the library. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 966

You deserved it 4 203

23/08/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend called me in tears because the love of his life has decided to move on with another man. He is currently on his way over to cry on my shoulder about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 821

You deserved it 355

07/02/2010 15:37

Today, we had our friends over for dinner, one of whom is a psychiatrist. After a few drinks, my drunk wife and the equally drunk psychiatrist began to analyze my various character flaws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 693

You deserved it 2 877

Cravings

By Anonymous - 14/08/2021 11:58

Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 139

You deserved it 11 072

16/11/2010 00:19

Today, my swim coach had me swim a 400 meter freestyle. Feeling a little sick near the end, I lifted my head to breathe, then burped, and threw up violently all in the pool. All my team mates screamed horrified running out of the pool, and now they have to drain it. I was told not to come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 370

You deserved it 4 121

11/05/2012 05:03

Today, I started a new job. I noticed all the beautiful women. Then I tripped on a cord running across the floor. They noticed me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 200

You deserved it 5 995

31/01/2010 17:42

Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 534

You deserved it 29 424

04/10/2013 08:20

Today, while in bed, my boyfriend pointed to my stomach and said, "Bad fat", then pointed to my boobs and said, "Good fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 519

You deserved it 7 757

27/07/2019 09:00

Today, I was helping my cousin plan her backyard wedding. I requested September 19-21 off for visiting and festivities. My asshole of a boss is refusing, because of some proposed Area 51 invasion. I have no idea what he’s talking about, and I’m afraid I might miss the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 878

You deserved it 148

02/10/2015 21:01

Spicy

Today, my hormones are so screwed, I popped a boner at the sight of two grasshoppers mating and had to retire to my room for a wank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 820

You deserved it 6 838

30/01/2014 18:13

Today, while playing badminton at school, I got an opponent who is mentally handicapped. Since I'm terrible at the game, I guess the teacher assumed it would be a good match. I won the match, my first victory ever. My teacher accused me of cheating to humiliate him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 979

You deserved it 4 464

07/05/2009 00:20

Today, as I was running a cute guy was coming towards me. As he was passing me, he yelled "nice tush!" I said thanks and slapped my ass flirtatiously. He stopped running, laughed and pointed to my crotch, replying "No, I said nice BUSH" I looked down to see my shorts had rode up a bit too high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 758

You deserved it 70 799

13/08/2009 16:49

Today, I swerved to avoid hitting a dog that ran in front of my car. The dog was fine but I hit a road sign, ripped off my rearview mirror, and cracked my passenger side window. When I got out to examine the damage to my car, the dog growled at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 747

You deserved it 6 590

15/12/2016 23:23

Today, I went out with my kids to eat at a nice restaurant. While I was in the bathroom, my 7-year-old daughter ordered 15 plates of "pearls" on the menu. Those "pearls" turned out to be salmon caviar. Guess who got a 425$ bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 871

You deserved it 2 591

25/09/2009 05:20

Today, I discovered that I had lost my phone. I drove to the campus to try and find it, and parked in a gated lot where you pay when you leave. All the buildings were closed, so I had to go home. That's when I realized that I didn't have my wallet to get my car out. And no phone to call a ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 063

You deserved it 7 627

09/10/2015 16:58

Today, I went in for an interview for my first ever job. Just seconds after meeting the boss, I slipped on the linoleum floor. I was wearing a skirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 988

You deserved it 2 266

26/08/2014 16:22

Today, it's my fourth day of my trip to the USA. I've actually started keeping count of the number of times people get confused because I was born in South Africa and yet am not black. Current count: 9. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 376

You deserved it 4 135

Sail on sailor

By Anonymous - 18/05/2021 03:30

Today, I have scurvy. I only found out because Facebook randomly showed me a 3-year-old video on why scurvy shouldn't even be a thing, and I thought I don't get much vitamin C, I should check this out. So I have late stage symptoms, and was in the process of slowly dying from what I thought was fibromyalgia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 282

No future

By Bryan - 15/06/2021 16:00

Today, the love of my life said, "You’d make a great husband! Whoever marries you in the future is gonna be so happy!" We’ve been together for 4 years and was planning to propose on her birthday in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 923

You deserved it 91

24/03/2017 22:00

Today, my son followed me around like a shadow, chanting, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom…" to the tune of Jingle Bells. It's March. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 559

You deserved it 501

Bounced

By Anonymous - 11/09/2019 20:00

Today, I was at a metal concert and I met a really cute girl. We got talking, and started getting close. We were about to kiss during the transitional period between 2 bands, but I was then pulled away by her father, who owned the venue. I was thrown out. Before the main act. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 939

You deserved it 219

28/01/2010 01:29

Today, my boyfriend and I started our diet. After a long day of being held accountable for every calorie I ate, I went home to sneak a snack. My boyfriend came over to surprise me, and found me on the couch shoveling left-over Indian food into my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 233

You deserved it 49 452

03/06/2011 01:01

Today, I went speed dating. I arrived at my first date and she looked me up and down and said, "Oh, that's awkward." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 973

You deserved it 3 944

15/11/2009 19:45

Today, at 2 in the morning, a noisy work crew started up in the parking lot next to my apartment. What were they doing at that ungodly hour? Installing a light that now shines right into my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 501

You deserved it 2 046

09/01/2014 00:53

Today, I joined my friends out birthday clubbing. After I'd gotten a little drunk, a few guys asked for my number. I rattled off random numbers, until I accidentally said my mother's. Guess who woke up to a text at 2:17 in the morning, containing a picture of a penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 662

You deserved it 38 935

Masked Singer

By ted_the_interpreter - 22/11/2020 05:03

Today, I was in a video conference with my coworkers. They started arguing so much that I decided to turn off my video and started chanting ,"Let it be over, let it be over... Let me go!" The boss finally stoped everybody to comment, "We can hear you." I hadn't turned my mic off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 339

You deserved it 1 263

01/03/2017 16:00

Today, a coworker left a chocolate cake on the "free food" table in the office. I had a slice. She's just called to ask if she left her grandmother's birthday cake at work. She made it from scratch. Now I'm baking a new cake in the office kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 584

You deserved it 1 492

14/03/2013 22:04

Today, I attended the reading of my grandfather's will. I didn't expect to receive anything, since his side of the family had always ostracized me for being born out of wedlock. I did get something: $3,500, on the binding condition that I use a portion of it to get a vasectomy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 069

You deserved it 2 952

Mistaken identity

By thedogwalker - 09/08/2020 08:02

Today, I was out walking my dog, when a lady called out to me asking, “Is that a boy or a girl?” Assuming she meant the dog, I told her that he was a boy. When I turned away, I heard her say to her kid, “I was talking about the person walking the dog, but whatever,” then audibly laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 397

You deserved it 185

08/06/2011 11:22

Today, my kitchen is flooded, and according to my landlord, this is normal, because it rained last night. Funny, I thought the purpose of a roof was to stop water from getting in. Guess I was wrong. Silly me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 324

You deserved it 3 810

Panic! At the Costco

By abutorac951 - 16/03/2020 16:48

Today, I had to drive over an hour away to buy toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 626

You deserved it 149

25/10/2013 04:35

Today, I went to a haunted house with the girl I like, thinking that she would get scared and turn to me for comfort. I ended up running out, and was put on the Wall of Shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 691

You deserved it 20 937

12/02/2011 00:08

Today, in an effort to make new friends in my history class, I sat in the empty seat next to a friendly-looking guy. He got up, walked away, and sat down in a different seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 574

You deserved it 4 182

21/09/2012 04:51

Today, my five-year-old told me she had accidentally swallowed a thumbtack. In panic mode we raced to the ER. With no insurance. Only after the tests, examinations and X-rays did she tell me was "just joking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 374

You deserved it 3 741

11/12/2014 13:26

Today, I thought it'd be fun to kick open one of those unisex bathrooms in my workplace. I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or my boss who was in there taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 309

You deserved it 39 549

01/03/2017 12:00

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and I lustfully requested we try doggy style this time. He responded, "No, Jesus wouldn't like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 173

You deserved it 1 567

11/03/2011 14:33

Today, I was trying out for my school's athletics team. As I reached the finish line for the 100m sprint, there was so much momentum I couldn't stop. I ended up running into a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 001

You deserved it 7 928

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Top comments

doriandorian_fml 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 19:31

Ahh, he's just like a real friend, taking your money!

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Sunday 27 December 2009 19:36

You should friend him in Facebook

Comments

doriandorian_fml 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 19:31

Ahh, he's just like a real friend, taking your money!

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Tuesday 29 December 2009 3:15

FTW!

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Wednesday 30 December 2009 9:05

#1 wins the thread. OP, you don't have friends? How the hell did you manage that? No-one to interrupt, annoy and complain to you. Sounds like bliss!

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Wednesday 26 May 2010 3:07

lame OP

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Sunday 27 December 2009 19:36

You should friend him in Facebook

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Monday 28 December 2009 0:25

Yeah!! Add him on facebook. Confess your dying love for his friendship, and then ask him to the movies!!

terriibabiiix23 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 19:39

YDI for being a loser and not socializing more :/

TheHo 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 19:42

kill yourself another FML saved by TheHo

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Sunday 27 December 2009 19:48

YDI for being in debt

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Sunday 27 December 2009 19:49

This is your fault. Maybe u should lose whatever aspect you have that keeps u from making friends. Plus your in debt which is also your fault. Double YDI.

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Monday 28 December 2009 9:02

um i don't think its as easy as "losing what keeps you from making friends", sure if the issue is like you stink or have a bad attitude sure that would work, but what if the person has social anxiety disorder? you can't just change that

Niz_DD 14

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Thursday 15 October 2015 7:32

I find your lack of empathy disturbing

TrollTrollTroll 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 19:56

omg me too! But it's not a debt collector, it's my mom.

postaltubealex 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 21:11

This comment was the best comment I read in 2009.

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Sunday 27 December 2009 22:19

Mom for a friend is fun except when you are sneaking off somewhere.

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Sunday 27 December 2009 23:09

#7 - hilarious... and disturbing if it's true :D #17 - indeed

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Monday 28 December 2009 6:27

If I don't call my mother at least every other day she comes to my house to make sure I'm okay. Seriously. The truth is, in a weird way, I enjoy it. It's nice to know that your mother cares... even if it is kind of crazy and obsessive.

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Sunday 27 December 2009 19:57

Make no mistake... he does not like you either.

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Sunday 27 December 2009 20:00

where's the like button?

ChurchofFagenism 0

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Sunday 27 December 2009 20:15

Pay your bills then, no-one likes a scrounger, so no wonder you have no friends