Today, I realized that my relationship has hit a new low when...

By ugh - 24/5/2015 19:53 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I realized that my relationship has hit a new low when I made an appointment with my girlfriend to have sex. I have a two week wait. FML

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Intimacy

DINOSAURS!!

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

All for nothing

By mrdave - 4/7/2009 05:54 - Canada

Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I met last night at a party. I remembered us talking and exchanging phone numbers. When I found the piece of paper, I discovered that instead of writing her number down, I had drunkenly written down my own. FML

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By Infadel - 22/7/2014 21:55 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was prepping for an interview after several months of unemployment. I had just finished brushing my teeth when I reached back and grabbed a towel behind me to wipe my face. Turns out it wasn't a towel, it was my newly dry-cleaned suit jacket that my wife had put there for me. FML

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By work hard - 7/11/2016 12:38 - Canada - Petawawa

Today, I went into work, thinking it was my last day before I start my new job, as my 2-week notice said to the managers that I can't work after today. None of them believed that I was actually capable of getting a better job and thought my 2-week notice was a joke. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2011 21:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the phone to a guy I really like from work. We'd been talking for about 2 minutes, when he said he was getting another call, and put me on hold. I was so excited to be on the phone with him, it took me a whole 15 minutes to realise he had actually just hung up on me. FML

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By Lesley - 17/2/2009 01:11 - United Kingdom

Today, while at work I was reading "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" to me class of 5 year olds. I got near the end of the book and said "Look at the big fat caterpillar" to which one of my pupils replied "Just like you, Miss!" FML

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By IHateGroupProjects - 25/4/2012 13:25 - United States - Riverdale

Today, I've now received my 73rd email in two days about my masters group project on policy recommendations for security reform. One group member has helpfully rewritten everything, and our project is now titled "Zeus's Earthly Kingdom." It's due today. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2016 13:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

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By marriedlesbian - 12/2/2019 16:00

Today, after a dangerous and painful emergency caesarean, I received an SMS from a guy I turned down for a date, saying he was crying and so excited to meet 'our' baby. I've barely even shaken hands with this guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 06:00

Sounds reasonable

Today, my 70 year-old mother complained about the patio window being dirty. I asked her why she couldn't clean it, or anything else in the house for that matter. I was informed she can't clean windows because she's not left handed. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2018 12:00

Today, my family is too damn close. My uncle on my dad's side just got my aunt on my mum's side pregnant, three cousins from dad's side are dating three cousins from mum's side, and a half brother from my dad is marrying my half sister from my mum. We are the inbred rednecks of this town. FML

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By prickly - 11/10/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2015 01:33 - United States - Hayward

Today, the priest at my wedding farted. Everyone thought it was me. The guests, my bride, even the priest himself looked at me in disgust before continuing. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 00:25 - United States

Today, as I put my 4 year old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2012 16:36 - United Kingdom

Today, a stuffed ferret was the latest addition to the list of weird items my colleagues have found in our rubbish tip, and that they put in my office. The list also includes explicit fetish porn playing cards, live ammo and dead pheasants, to name a few. I need a new job. FML

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By Username - 8/10/2010 21:30 - France

Today, I learned the hard way that leaving eye drops in your car all day makes them scorching hot. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2011 20:06 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with a client, when the gum I was casually chewing fell out of my mouth and down my shirt. While I was trying to dig it out, two of our newest customers walked into the lobby to see what looked like me fondling my breasts. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2014 01:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my vegan girlfriend openly admitted that she'd let me die if she had to choose between saving my life or an animal's. She actually seemed confused as to why that upset me. FML

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By selfishsexysanta - 24/12/2012 18:06 - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

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By college parking sucks - 30/9/2015 17:16 - United States - Deltona

Today, for the first time this semester, I was able to get parking in time for my Wednesday class. The professor was sick and class was cancelled. FML

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By SierraCheyenne - 26/3/2020 23:09 - United States - Denver

Poor Henry

Today, I came home to my boyfriend standing in the living room with his dick in the vacuum cleaner hose. Instead of being embarrassed, he simply said, "The vacuum does it better." FML

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By - 28/12/2019 18:00

Special wedding

Today, on my wedding day, when they said "you may kiss the bride", I swung my wife over in the romantic fashion and went in for the kiss. Unfortunately my hands were sweaty as I was nervous and she slipped under my grip. She fell and was knocked unconscious in front of hundreds of people. FML

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By Sissy - 6/12/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was standing in a long line at the Post Office when my 3 year old son starts rubbing up and down my leg. I asked him what he was doing and he said loudly. "I'm humping you like Simon humps me!" Everyone looks at me in shocked horror. Simon is our dog. FML

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By thisentiretime... - 18/3/2013 20:30 - United States - Morristown

Today, I found out that my recurring acne is actually bedbug bites. I have wasted about a hundred dollars on acne cream. FML

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By labie - 9/2/2018 01:30

Today, my girlfriend angrily broke up with me. The reason? I misgendered her new dog. FML

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By - 7/2/2020 18:00

Bachelor party

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

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By Ipickthegoodones - 26/6/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2015 03:46 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I finally got a job so I could stop missing out on going out with my friends every weekend. Turns out I work only Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, and there's no way around it. FML

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By Amy - 19/5/2010 20:19 - France

Today, I discovered my boyfriend has a thing for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant though, my roommate is. FML

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By dumbAssCollegeStudent - 4/3/2016 00:22 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I finally did my laundry after a good few weeks, only to think another washer was a dryer. I just ran my clothes through the wash 3 times, because I was confused as to why they weren't drying. FML

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By dragynfyre - 6/3/2012 05:37 - United States

Today, my boss called me out for a drug test. His reason was because my eyes are puffy and bloodshot, making me look high. I've been suffering from allergies all week, but still had to pee in a cup in front of a complete stranger. FML

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By Churizmo - 19/7/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I was at a party and I really had to use the bathroom. There were 30-40 people talking outside the door, so I thought it would be ok to make some noise. Just as I'm about to begin having explosive diarrhea, everyone falls silent as my dad begins to pray for our meal. FML

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By guest - 19/6/2014 01:14 - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I became the town racist for saying "black" instead of "African-American". I'm black. FML

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By TanjinaRubbaiyat - 15/1/2010 08:49 - Bangladesh

Today, I was dumped at the surprise party I threw for my boyfriend. FML

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By butterfingers - 6/12/2013 07:08 - United States - New Wilmington

Today, I dropped a $400 bottle of wine while trying to get the cork out. FML

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By jennahh - 10/7/2019 22:00

Today, I had a sexual dream about my ex, and I woke up after saying his name. My boyfriend was awake, and heard all the dirty talk and me moaning my ex-boyfriend's name. FML

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By WTF - 3/12/2014 21:21 - United States - Conroe

Today, my boss at my new call center job said he'd gotten complaints about me. Apparently I sound "too black" and it's "upsetting" some of our customers. I don't know what that even means, but my boss said I need to "tone it down or we're gonna have some problems". FML

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By Useless training - 11/7/2014 06:04 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, we finished a sit-up test at school. I had been training for the athletic tests, so I was proud of my score. When someone asked what I got and I shared, proud, they responded with, "I bet it helps that your fat bounces you back up." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, my husband was leaving on a long business trip to Germany. As he's leaving, my daughter starts crying. 'Dont leave me with her !' she says. 'Take me with you !' FML

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By machismo - 13/1/2012 18:16 - United States

Today, in preparation for proposing to my girlfriend, I borrowed one of her rings, so I could discreetly get her ring size. Not only have I now lost the ring, which turns out to be a keepsake of her dead grandmother, I still don't know her ring size. FML

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By dumpedtaco - 18/2/2018 19:00

Today, as I was planning my impending nuptials with my fiancé, my sister jokingly told him it's not too late to call it off. He took her seriously and bailed. He won’t answer my calls. FML

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Top comments

By abbyade | 21

#6300926 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:02

It is time to re-evaluate your relationship. You guys should have a good chat and make a decision if this relationship is salvageable or not.

By DaRito | 25

#6300930 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:08

You should talk it out with your girlfriend, it doesn't seem like the relationship would last long from that point.

Comments

By feliciaheartu | 21

#6300917 - Monday 25 May 2015 11:58

That sucks. Get it?

Lorenzo1102 | 21

#6300946 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:43

So does your comment

worldclassrager | 39

#6301076 - Monday 25 May 2015 16:26

Actually I don't...am I alone with this?

bingalingading | 12

#6301266 - Monday 25 May 2015 20:11

there's always that one person...

weswheatley | 14

#6301367 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:10

And in this case, they were here first. Ugh.

bazookajoey | 27

#6301581 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 1:40

If you have to ask if we get it, it's probably not a good joke

By Lorenzo1102 | 21

#6300921 - Monday 25 May 2015 11:59

Change the date on her phones calendar

KitchKraft | 21

#6300959 - Monday 25 May 2015 13:19

Clever

JustinJK | 21

#6301024 - Monday 25 May 2015 15:59

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

MzZombicidal | 36

#6301146 - Monday 25 May 2015 18:15

Wow, what a hilarious, unwarranted joke about rape, #32.

By Reider022 | 16

#6300925 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:02

How many of those appointments does she have on her schedule sounds pretty busy to me

aruden | 25

#6301071 - Monday 25 May 2015 16:24

Having to schedule in sex sounds like she is a prostitute

wanted_2_want | 40

#6301084 - Monday 25 May 2015 16:34

Right!?! OP needs to start interviewing for a new relationship.

Exaspera | 54

#6301772 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 7:31

Are there that many guys ahead of you?!

By abbyade | 21

#6300926 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:02

It is time to re-evaluate your relationship. You guys should have a good chat and make a decision if this relationship is salvageable or not.

logan00_fml | 15

#6310947 - Friday 5 June 2015 2:05

Gay

By X_KassidyRose_X | 12

#6300928 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:02

Just come in earlier, it's not like she's gonna have any other patients waiting.

Toller017 | 14

#6301055 - Monday 25 May 2015 16:14

who that he knows of lol

By DaRito | 25

#6300930 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:08

You should talk it out with your girlfriend, it doesn't seem like the relationship would last long from that point.

By abNormal62 | 23

#6300933 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:10

Cuckolding?

By cjigsss95 | 12

#6300934 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:12

how many people does she give appointment to that you get it after two weeks?

By Cebolamole | 13

#6300935 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:12

Can I get an appointment for three weeks from today, please?

By igg125 | 30

#6300936 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:13

What kind of business is she running? You need to get to the front of the line