Intimacy: Today, I realized that my relationship has hit a new low when...

By ugh - United States - Dearborn

Today, I realized that my relationship has hit a new low when I made an appointment with my girlfriend to have sex. I have a two week wait. FML

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32918

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Intimacy

Incognito browsing

Breaking Badly

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By GasAttack - Canada

Today, I was taking a shower. I heard my boyfriend come into the bathroom, brush his teeth and take off his clothes. He joined me in the shower and instead of doing something loving or sexy, he let out a huge fart into his hand and threw it into my face. FML

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58363

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By Zephyric - United States

Today, I made a friend on an online chat. We got along fairly well and even traded Facebook accounts. I found out that the two of us had a lot of very surprising things in common. We were the same age, we were from the same school, and we even had the same boyfriend. FML

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By Nancy - United States

Today, after being at summer camp for two weeks, my parents never showed up to take me home. A counselor had to drive me. FML

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45806

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By oh, feck off - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I missed an interview to work in a school as a teacher's assistant because the email inviting me to attend got buried among the spam emails. Oh well, back to my usual job as an assistant janitor. Yes, that's right, assistant janitor. It's the same job as a real janitor, but for less pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12016

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Navan

Today, at work, I bumped into what looked like a small child and said, "sorry, little man". Turns out he actually was a "little person". FML

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7140

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter admitted to me that the only reason she's nice to me is because I give her money. She's six. FML

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35129

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By straightlyconfused - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my car broke down and had to be towed to the dealership. Normally, this would be just unlucky but I work with kids and we had been fundraising for charity. I am now sitting at the dealership with my hair coloured purple, red and blue and in ridiculously high pigtails while people stare. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23181

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By orangethonglover - United States

Today, I found out the real cause of my dog's illness that she had just recovered from. When my sister took her in to see the vet, the vet said my dog was constipated, and swallowed something orange. That orange thing happened to be my favorite thong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the airport, a lady bitched me out for changing her departure gate. She called me incompetent and accused me of "messing with people's lives" by "making them walk." I didn't change the gate, and the other gate was less than 10 feet away. FML

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34464

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By Brunette, small breasts - Romania - Campina

Today, I decided to finally talk to my crush. I said "hello" to which he replied "first, dye your hair blonde and grow some boobs, then we can talk business." FML

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18928

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By Anonymous - United States - Fair Haven

Today, we had a school reunion. The guy who bullied me throughout my high school career is now rich and married. I'm broke and single, and he specifically came up to me to point it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27938

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By Pugsley - Australia

Today, for my birthday, I found out I'm too ugly even for a hooker to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2018

You deserved it

317

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By Unwanted - Austria

Today, my boyfriend declared he doesn't feel ready to move in with me for at least "some more years". We have already been together for five years. When he bought an apartment one year ago, he kept it a secret for three months. Maybe I should learn to take a hint. Or several hints. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22365

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By ouch - United States

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her weight. I told her not to worry, because it gives more cushion for the pushin' anyway. She picked up a lamp and threw it right at my dingleberries. FML

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10023

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By Zoe123 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

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By R2A8 - Kenya

Today, after I got lectured about not replying on the family group chat, I decided to wish everyone a good morning. No one responded. FML

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1983

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, my mom took me to a bar to cheer me up after being dumped. Two cute guys around my age kept looking over at us the whole night. When I told my mom, she said she was going to get them to come talk to me. Instead, she ended up leaving with both of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60883

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 11:02

Conspiracies claim another victim

Today, after learning that "phones are tracking you" and that "Google is spying on you" from some shady website, my son destroyed all our phones and computers. FML

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853

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160

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By anonymous - Ireland

Today, while in bed with my game obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML

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23336

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By e.middlechild - United States

Today, I finally got enough courage to ask out this girl that I've liked for a year. While we were out at lunch, she ran into her ex that she had just broken up with. They then had a long conversation about their relationship, and ended up getting back together. She was my ride home. FML

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55337

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By Ray - United States

Das wat u get hoomin

Today, we took my cat to get her shots. She screeched and clamored in the car until I took her out of the carrier and held her in my lap...where she immediately pooped on my new white pants and then hid under the seat. FML

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3040

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By mandygeegoesnom - United States

Today, while waiting for my boyfriend to get out of the shower, I chatted with his grandma. As soon as we hear him exit the restroom, she smirks at me and lets a huge, smelly fart out. She blamed it on me. My boyfriend believed her. FML

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31034

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By ruined - 15/4/2020 17:00

Cooked it up

Today, I made the most perfect prime rib of my life at an amazing medium rare. I was so distracted dyeing eggs with my kids that I didn’t notice my mom cut the meat, then deciding to shove it back into the oven as it was “too pink” for her liking. She incinerated it beyond all recognition. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2018

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285

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By 751920 - Canada

Today, I found out my girlfriend's password for okcupid is "i_love_mike". My name is not Mike. FML

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34003

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 09:04 - Rwanda - Kigali

Freshman blues

Today, I found out there’s a university email platform I never knew about. I’m a freshman and I’ve been using my personal email to communicate with the lecturers. Now I’ve got a pile of assignments to do and most of them are overdue. FML

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403

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house to give him some moral support as he came out of the closet to his family. I left with a black eye. FML

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46496

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By balloonface - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I finally treated myself and bought my first moisturizer. The woman at Sephora promised it would "retexturize my face." If by "retexturize" she meant, "make it feel like a rubber balloon," then she was right on the money. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - March

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she never takes dumps. I told her that as long as she eats, it's a biological impossibility, but she seems to have genuinely deluded herself into thinking it's true, purely because she is a girl. FML

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26032

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Chester

Keep your secrets, do your own laundry

Today, I found out that before my grandma washes my clothes, she smells my underwear to "make sure they're dirty." FML

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1460

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By KitKat270 - Canada

Today, my mom informed me that she wouldn't be joining the rest of the girls in the limo ride to the church for my wedding ceremony because she wants to have her car with her. Why? Because she is planning to leave my wedding reception half way through to go home and take her dog out to pee. FML

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52603

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By Nikki - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend some nude pics of me. Later I get a text from my dad asking me when I had gotten a tattoo. FML

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18376

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By Imnotfromhere - 5/3/2021 05:01

How? Why? What?

Today, I wore leggings without underwear. When I got in the car after a busy shopping day, I realized that my pubes had poked through the fabric and my bush was on the outside of my pants. FML

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208

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex with my husband, he went soft. When I asked him what happened he said, "I'm about to fall asleep." He then plopped down on my chest and began to snore. FML

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45991

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By SkyDiver

Today, I tore up my airborne academy admission documents because my lab results weren't good enough. A few hours later, they called me to apologize for the misunderstanding, mine turned out to be perfect and they'd accepted me. They need me tomorrow with all the documents to finalize the admission. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18118

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, my girlfriend gave me a speech on me "not being manly enough". I started crying. FML

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20280

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By Jon - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor's son mowing their lawn when suddenly he started to do this crazy dance. Chuckling at his antics I waved and walked back into my house. His mom called me from a hospital later to ask if I could put the mower away; he had been attacked by bees. FML

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22471

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By Anonymous - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I kept hearing a child creepily giggling in my living room. I couldn't sleep and got so scared that I started considering hiring an exorcist. Long story short: be careful if you have Bluetooth speakers, because your dickhead neighbor might hack them and start fucking with you. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37627

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By purplefuzz - United States - Savannah

Today, my grandma posted an embarrassing childhood photo on my school's events page. I told her everyone could see it, and asked if she could take it down. She freaked and commented on it, apologizing for posting it. Now I feel guilty for embarrassing her, and it's still on the page. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20269

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By Alyce - 6/11/2020 02:08 - United States - Lewistown

Bunch of bankers, the lot of them

Today, I went to deposit a check, only for them to accidentally deduct the whole thing from my account. I didn't notice this until I went to buy groceries, after the bank had closed. I'm in negative numbers and will get an overdraft charge by the time I can get it fixed. FML

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918

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By Anonymous - Germany - K?ln

Today, I actually had to teach my 9-year-old brother how to pour himself a glass of milk, after he burst out in tears when my sister told him to do it himself. His astonishing ignorance also extends to basic hygiene. FML

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Top comments

By abbyade | 21

#6300926 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:02

It is time to re-evaluate your relationship. You guys should have a good chat and make a decision if this relationship is salvageable or not.

By DaRito | 25

#6300930 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:08

You should talk it out with your girlfriend, it doesn't seem like the relationship would last long from that point.

COMMENTS

By feliciaheartu | 21

#6300917 - Monday 25 May 2015 11:58

That sucks. Get it?

Lorenzo1102 | 21

#6300946 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:43

So does your comment

worldclassrager | 39

#6301076 - Monday 25 May 2015 16:26

Actually I don't...am I alone with this?

bingalingading | 12

#6301266 - Monday 25 May 2015 20:11

there's always that one person...

weswheatley | 14

#6301367 - Monday 25 May 2015 22:10

And in this case, they were here first. Ugh.

bazookajoey | 27

#6301581 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 1:40

If you have to ask if we get it, it's probably not a good joke

By Lorenzo1102 | 21

#6300921 - Monday 25 May 2015 11:59

Change the date on her phones calendar

KitchKraft | 21

#6300959 - Monday 25 May 2015 13:19

Clever

JustinJK | 21

#6301024 - Monday 25 May 2015 15:59

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

MzZombicidal | 36

#6301146 - Monday 25 May 2015 18:15

Wow, what a hilarious, unwarranted joke about rape, #32.

By Reider022 | 16

#6300925 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:02

How many of those appointments does she have on her schedule sounds pretty busy to me

aruden | 25

#6301071 - Monday 25 May 2015 16:24

Having to schedule in sex sounds like she is a prostitute

wanted_2_want | 40

#6301084 - Monday 25 May 2015 16:34

Right!?! OP needs to start interviewing for a new relationship.

Exaspera | 54

#6301772 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 7:31

Are there that many guys ahead of you?!

By abbyade | 21

#6300926 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:02

It is time to re-evaluate your relationship. You guys should have a good chat and make a decision if this relationship is salvageable or not.

logan00_fml | 15

#6310947 - Friday 5 June 2015 2:05

Gay

By X_KassidyRose_X | 12

#6300928 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:02

Just come in earlier, it's not like she's gonna have any other patients waiting.

Toller017 | 14

#6301055 - Monday 25 May 2015 16:14

who that he knows of lol

By DaRito | 25

#6300930 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:08

You should talk it out with your girlfriend, it doesn't seem like the relationship would last long from that point.

By abNormal62 | 23

#6300933 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:10

Cuckolding?

By cjigsss95 | 12

#6300934 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:12

how many people does she give appointment to that you get it after two weeks?

By Cebolamole | 13

#6300935 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:12

Can I get an appointment for three weeks from today, please?

By igg125 | 30

#6300936 - Monday 25 May 2015 12:13

What kind of business is she running? You need to get to the front of the line