Miscellaneous: Today, I realized that I have to block my number to get my own... - FML

By Slayeddd - 28/10/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, I realized that I have to block my number to get my own mother to take my phone calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 205

You deserved it 3 557

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Best teeth in the game

Mama's boy

Early wake-up

By Bir - 08/12/2019 14:00 - Nepal

Today, my nephew grabbed my balls to wake me up at 4 AM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 725

You deserved it 159

By wtf - 16/05/2014 22:25 - Australia - Narangba

Spicy

Today, I started watching porn in my room with the volume muted. A minute later, my dad knocked on the door, so I closed everything and called him in. He just said, "Son, you disgust me." and walked out. Now I'm too paranoid to use my own computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 491

You deserved it 14 916

By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 22:39 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 891

You deserved it 7 218

By Jlipka - 22/05/2010 02:33 - United States

Today, while house sitting, I went to take my pizza out of the oven, not realizing that the oven mitt had a hole in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 776

You deserved it 5 584

By Maria - 14/03/2017 15:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, my boyfriend had his arm around me. He pulled me closer, so I looked up, thinking maybe he wanted a kiss. Turns out he was picking his nose over my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 603

You deserved it 383

By poopexperttt - 07/09/2012 07:12 - United States

Today, my brother started a new tradition: sending me pictures of every poop he takes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 487

You deserved it 2 439

By deflated - 09/08/2009 16:54 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, as my girlfriend was dropping me home, our goodbye kiss got kind of heavy. Still parked in my drive, we had fast, frenzied sex. After, we realised that she had never put the hand brake on and that we had rolled down my drive, blocking my dad who was patiently waiting to pull in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 714

You deserved it 59 303

Timing is key

By Anonymous - 17/09/2021 08:04

Today, we live in a society where an Uber Eats order arrives a lot faster than the authorities. To make things worse, the Uber Eats order arrives screwed up as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 673

You deserved it 101

By Anonymous - 16/01/2012 14:15 - United States

Today, I found my boyfriend passed out on the floor. Then I passed out, due to anxiety of seeing him passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 200

You deserved it 6 147

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By Anonymous - 07/07/2020 23:02

Today, I found out my girlfriend talks to around 18 other men for fun. She says she loves me more, but I told her to prove it, so I took her phone and deleted the social media accounts that she made just for these men. Now I'm a "toxic controlling monster" because I don't let her chat with random men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 595

You deserved it 765

By iluvcoconutrough - 02/07/2009 04:34 - New Zealand

Today, at school I was sitting with a friend outside, talking about irregular periods and unshaven legs. Ten minutes into the conversation, a teacher sticks her head out the window above us and tells us to leave. We were distracting a classroom who were trying to finish a test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 912

You deserved it 22 363

By Fml - 12/04/2013 05:05 - United States - Lynn

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex; I know that some women are great multitaskers, but I'm guessing it was a bad sign when she started to go over the shopping list. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 108

You deserved it 14 569

By Stiffed - 07/04/2016 09:19 - Australia - Warrnambool

Today, my old boss stiffed me on a large sum of money he owes me. I tried to contact him and point out that he legally owes me the money, but he won't answer his texts or his phone, and the managers say he changes the subject whenever they bring it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 122

You deserved it 1 476

By Anonymous - 16/09/2012 15:32 - United States - Acton

Spicy

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Yesterday, I finally came to my senses and started using birth control. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 776

You deserved it 59 309

Seeing is believing

By Anonymous - 05/10/2010 10:46 - Sweden

Today, while taking a shower, I thought that the bathroom was extra steamy because of all the hot water. It wasn't until two-three minutes later when I put some shampoo in my hair that I realized I had forgotten to take my glasses off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 406

You deserved it 39 404

Oops...

By the other woman - 26/06/2018 01:30

Spicy

Today, I found out that the guy I lost my virginity to a few months ago was in a relationship the whole time. How did I find out? His now ex-girlfriend called to yell at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 009

You deserved it 485

By pandroida - 25/10/2009 15:56 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend admitted to checking out other girls when he's with me. In his defense, "he doesn't look at their face or boobs. Just their ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 244

You deserved it 5 718

By sleekRelease - 11/06/2019 04:00

Today, I was expecting an important delivery for a party I'm having tonight. I was in the shower when the doorbell rang. In my haste, I slipped and ended up with a bunch of little cuts and bruises. Turns out, it was someone trying to leave a note saying it would be delivered tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 672

You deserved it 162

By welptbh - 04/04/2018 16:30 - United States - San Pablo

Today, I came out to my parents as trans. They immediately took my remaining college savings, canceled my credit card, and began plotting to abduct me and "wean me off hormones, like a heroin addict." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 006

You deserved it 1 462

By I hate Walmart???? - 24/02/2014 09:36 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I went to the self-checkout line at Walmart. When I tried to pay, the cash wouldn't go in, so I stood there trying to cram money into the thing that's supposed to take your money. What I didn't realize was that there was a sign up top that said: "No Cash. Cards Only." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 892

You deserved it 41 548

Butt-dial

By I'm a recurring amateur porn consumer but this is bollocks. - 21/09/2021 23:00

Spicy

Today, my father sent me a video via Whatsapp. In it, he was cheating on my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 161

You deserved it 55

By very very lonely - 24/09/2016 04:18

Today, I bought a friendship bracelet. I'm not sure what's sadder, the fact that I don't actually have a friend to give the other half to, or that I'm actually wearing one of them so it looks like I have friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 443

You deserved it 1 699

It's not a phase!

By Dumped - 24/04/2021 20:08

Today, my 36 year-old husband decided that I’m not his soulmate and he made a mistake marrying me. Why? Because he believes that the 19 year-old girl he met on his video game online thing is instead, and they’re "meant to be." We’ve been married for 5 years and had our second child a month ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 259

You deserved it 79

By Anonymous - 15/06/2014 00:34 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I started my job as a driving instructor. My first client showed up piss drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 139

You deserved it 4 226

By Cracky - 27/11/2012 14:32 - United States - Baltimore

Today, my husband ran a nice warm bubble bath with extra bubbles. I undressed and slid down into the tub only to have the most ungodly pain go up my backside. Turns out he knocked his razor into the water when he added the bubbles. I now have two butt cracks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 351

You deserved it 1 983

By moodyreallyrocks - 01/11/2011 16:18 - United States

Today, my friend took me and a bunch of other guys out to a nice dinner. This was his way to say thank you for helping him move to a new apartment. He got the cheque, excused himself to go to the restroom and never came back to pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 173

You deserved it 2 865

By ohhhman - 10/04/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, one of the Haitians that works in the kitchen at my restaurant said something to me. Usually I can't understand them and I just smile and laugh, so that's what I did this time. Later, I found out he was trying to tell me his father had passed away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 666

You deserved it 58 066

By cduttl1230 - 26/06/2010 00:30 - United States

Today, after getting my appendix taken out, we had to drive over five sets of railroad tracks. Then, my four year old brother decided to punch me in the stomach because, "I took away his mommy for two days." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 009

You deserved it 3 318

By ash - 13/06/2011 03:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he is homophobic. This wouldn't be such a big deal, if my mother wasn't a lesbian. He doesn't know this yet, and I'm afraid to tell him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 405

You deserved it 6 991

By JD - 02/02/2009 17:23 - United States

Today, I went out on a date with a girl for the first time. I opened her car door for her and then slammed her leg in it upon closing. She will be in a cast for 6 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 659

You deserved it 10 409

By Anonymous - 17/09/2014 11:46 - United States - Gaffney

Today, my brother got the same cologne as the guy I've been seeing for a while. Every time I'm with my brother I think about him, and every time I'm with him I think about my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 742

You deserved it 4 489

By Anonymous - 17/08/2009 08:21 - United States

Today, I went into my Moms room to look for a t-shirt. I went into her drawer and behind all of her clothes was a cell phone. Not only did I not find the t-shirt, I also found out my Mom is cheating on my Dad with someone from work and now I have to pretend like I don't know. I work there too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 857

You deserved it 5 544

By out of the closet - 26/04/2016 00:22 - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I had to tell the third guy that my mother set me up with that it wasn't him, it's me. Apparently my mother thinks if she sets me up with enough guys, I will "date the gay out". FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 762

You deserved it 1 519

By Anonymous - 30/07/2011 09:26 - Canada

Today, as I was taking the bus home, I sat down next to a man wearing an FML shirt. While snickering I said to him "You totally deserved it." I guess he thought that comment deserved a broken nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 357

You deserved it 81 574

By June - 19/05/2009 21:51 - Canada

Today, I thought I could stay on the phone and go to the bathroom without him noticing. My mom knocks on the door and without even thinking, I yelled "I'M ON THE TOILET!" He said "ew.." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 595

You deserved it 74 660

By Stung - 03/08/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, I found out that bees like to make hives in odd places, like in your vintage car's trunk. I also found out that they don't like it when you break their hive in half when you open the trunk to get out a spare tire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 050

You deserved it 4 245

By wobble... - 23/02/2012 11:29 - Australia

Today, I got scared by my own leg fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 276

You deserved it 32 791

By Nelson - 09/05/2011 15:05 - Sweden

Today, I was sitting on my balcony reading a book. My upstairs neighbors thought that would be a good time to water their flowers. I'm now drenched in water, as is my book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 873

You deserved it 3 822

By Maxime - 20/11/2008 10:19 - France

Spicy

Today, after making love to my girlfriend, I realised that the phone was on the bed and because of the movements, it called my dad by itself. It went to voicemail. My dad will soon have all the details. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 796

You deserved it 9 796

By S. Fancyson - 16/04/2013 23:23 - United States

Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wanted, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 348

You deserved it 9 616

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Top comments

perdix 29

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 19:21

You probably have to pretend to be trying to sell her a time share so she'll even talk to you at all.

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 19:26

Damn that sucks, but what did you do to make her hate you?

Comments

perdix 29

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 19:21

You probably have to pretend to be trying to sell her a time share so she'll even talk to you at all.

donkey_hang_down 2

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Thursday 29 October 2009 22:55

GD the OP must be the most annoying cunt on the face of the earth, I wonder if it is my boss...

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 19:26

Damn that sucks, but what did you do to make her hate you?

ozymandias_fml 0

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 19:38

Maybe if you called less often she would not feel the need to duck you.

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 19:46

Agreed. There's a difference between keeping in touch and clinging to someone.

haweb 0

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Thursday 29 October 2009 4:45

I haven't actually had a phone conversation with my mother in all of about a year and three months. I've had a total of five actual conversations with her, and those were all through email. We had a blow out so she decided she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I've called her a number of times since that blow out, and I, too, have to block my number to get her to answer. Just because she has to as well doesn't mean she's some home-sick, clingy daughter that never gives her mom a moment of silence.

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 19:57

I'd stop calling her if I were you. It seems she has no interest in talking to you, maybe you were adopted.

TheLetterZero 7

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 20:05

Could be a coincidence.

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 20:08

Maybe it's time to take the hint...

Witchcraft_fml 4

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 20:11

You should run to her and apologise very enthusiastically about giving her a sore back and sore feet for nine months, before finally tearing her vagina in half.

spoo 24

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 20:36

OP really had to do something that her mother would filter her calls.

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 22:15

Wouldn't that be tearing into one and a half? Or more, I'd think...

perdix 29

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 22:50

Also, she should admit that the incest was a bad idea, too.

mysuckishlife 0

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 20:19

I JUST FARTED!!

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 21:12

wtf do you have to say you farted you  face 

Sun_Kissed18 25

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Wednesday 28 October 2009 21:19

I'd say sorry for whatever I did to her and then stop calling for awhile. See how that works lol. But if you didn't do anything then sorry for having an indifferent mother :(

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 10

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39

You deserved it 11

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 167

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 93