Today, I realized that I get more turned on by my exercise bike... - FML

By Katrina641 - 26/2/2010 04:20 - France

Today, I realized that I get more turned on by my exercise bike than my boyfriend of 4 years. FML

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Business savvy

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Sister of the year

By more than I wanted to know - 13/5/2013 19:10 - Italy - San Giustino

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2011 10:50 - United States

Today, "Community" was pulled from its mid-season lineup, with plans to hopefully put it back on the schedule at some unknown time. It will probably be canceled. Meanwhile, "Whitney" is still on the air and doing fine. FML

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By Cannot Unknow - 21/1/2017 16:00

Today, my wife and I drove to the other side of the country to attend a swinger party where we thought no one knew us. So did my parents. FML

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By lex31 - 14/2/2012 13:24 - United States

Today, I received my first Valentine's day present ever: a dead mouse from my cat. FML

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By novacabudsforme - 15/8/2016 10:11 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my mother told me that I could take a friend on vacation with us. Then she added that because I have no friends, my brother can bring his girlfriend instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2012 17:15 - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. To celebrate, I spent the day with her and then took her out to a really nice dinner. She is currently giving me the silent treatment because I didn't write "happy birthday" on her Facebook wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2010 00:01 - United States

Today, I met my new college room-mate. He then introduced me to his imaginary friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2014 21:24 - United States

Today, I woke up to my psycho roommate trying to baptize me in my sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2015 16:05 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I'm grieving over the death of my best friend of 9 years. My mom wasted no time arriving at the conclusion that I must be hormonal and pregnant with his child. Apparently it's not normal for a woman to cry so much over a man, unless they've been fucking. FML

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By chronic - 12/3/2017 02:00

Today, I'm on opioids due to severe pelvic pain. Taking them makes me constipated and increases my pain, which leads to taking more painkillers. I can choose to be in agony and the possibility of pooping, or be in slightly less pain and completely bunged up. FML

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By 282 - 29/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was sitting on my younger sister's bed while I was on my phone. She came in the room and pushed me off the bed, and I ended up slicing the skin under my eye. Now, my parents are forcing me to pay for the injury for "hanging off the bed". FML

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By artclasstrauma - 15/5/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, in my art class we had to paint a nude portrait of a fat, old woman. About halfway through the piece, and while painting her fat rolls, I realized she was the only person other than myself I had ever seen naked. FML

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By fuck you, mum - 11/1/2013 22:19 - United Kingdom

Today, marks the sixth day in a row that my mum has called me to discuss my upcoming wedding. She's obsessed and has intimidated the actual planner I hired into going along with her plans. She's slipped up twice already and accidentally referred to it as her own wedding. Just great. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2015 05:56 - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, I got up to get some water. When I stood up, I fell straight to the ground, my legs were so weak. As I fell, I hit my head on the end table and knocked myself unconscious. My boyfriend laughed at me. FML

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By e - 2/12/2010 09:24 - United States

Today, I couldn't find my key so I sat against the wall to wait for my roommate to get home. I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could hear her inside. She chose not to wake me up and let me in. FML

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By pregz - 25/4/2013 00:18 - United States - Vancouver

Today, while grocery shopping, I was having such terrible abdominal pains I could hardly walk. As I'm 8 months pregnant, I told my husband we should head home. He thought a better idea was to run through the store and hide from me, hoping to induce labor by making me chase him. FML

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By Sheggie - 30/1/2010 05:06 - Australia

Today, I found a wallet belonging to some guy, it had $355 inside. Because he had his address written inside, I decided to return it hoping for a reward. I drove for 40 mins and finally got to his house during peak hour. All he did was say "oh cool". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2011 21:12 - United States

Today, I locked lips with someone, or rather something, other than family for the first time in my life. It was a CPR dummy. FML

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By feels like an asshole - 9/6/2015 20:03 - United States

Today, I took new sleeping meds. One of the side effects was sleepwalking. I had a dream my girlfriend wanted me to pee on her. Apparently, while sleepwalking, I pissed all over our dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2018 05:00

Today, while working at my dead-end call centre job that couldn't get any worse, I answered a call from a customer who was having loud sex. I still needed to sound professional and tell her when a product was released. FML

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By level6 - 23/10/2010 22:11 - United States

Today, after constantly checking my email for a week, I finally got a letter saying that I was accepted to take a test for a job position. The only problem is I was scheduled to test today, eight hours ago. FML

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By ImAnEngineer - 23/9/2015 17:09 - United States - Canandaigua

Today, my boss quit, leaving me as the only structural engineer at my company. I'm fresh out of college and will have to finish the projects on my own. Hope Google can teach me how to do this. FML

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By SunshineX7 - 9/10/2013 04:22 - United States - Springfield

Today, I got so self-conscious about weight gain that I got paranoid about how much my Castle Crashers character was eating to heal. FML

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By ShootMe - 7/9/2017 23:15

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Today, a high maintenance client informed me that he wants 50+ pages of new content added to his website "now". He doesn't understand that I also have 30+ other clients to write for. I'm wondering if I can charge him for my new anxiety meds. FML

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By Jim - 26/11/2019 16:00 - Canada - Winfield

Bigger than...

Today, I was looking for my passport and I found my wife's new vibrator (that she failed to tell me she'd purchased). I understand now why she doesn't want sex with me anymore. That thing is much bigger than I am. FML

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By Howhardisittoclosethefuckingdooryouidiot - 5/1/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, I discovered that my obese 57-year-old mother’s flat-out refusal to close the door when she uses the bathroom doesn’t change even when I have friends over. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2019 22:01 - United States

Planned Parenthood

Today, I got the biggest shock in my life, I'm a mistake, and the only reason why I wasn't put up for adoption is because of the tax refunds. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2020 14:01

Walking Dead

Today, my doctor informed me I was a fascinating patient. Why? I have "more health issues than a patient my age should." I'm 26. FML

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By mastermind - 22/8/2018 23:30

Today, in an attempt to keep a conversation flowing, I panicked and asked a man what country he was from in response to him telling me he was Brazilian. FML

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By CrappyValentine - 14/2/2012 18:56 - Netherlands

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

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By our kids will be derps - 22/6/2013 19:28 - Canada - Nelson

Today, my boyfriend found an empty snail shell. I tried messing with him by saying the snail had turned into a slug, like caterpillars turn into butterflies. He quickly replied, "Yeah I know. I'm not a tard, babe." and said he'd been taught all that and more back in school. What the hell? FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2014 14:28 - Germany - Berlin

Today, I thought I felt my cellphone vibrating. Turned out it was just my girlfriend letting out a vicious fart against my leg. FML

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By Greg - 28/10/2013 21:53 - United States - Livonia

Today, I was leaving the grocery store when an old woman started yelling at me for not holding the door open for her. She accused me of being "everything wrong with the younger generation". It was an automatic door. FML

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By ShanghaiSam - 17/5/2017 04:00 - China - Shanghai

Today, I found out half of the staff at work have been spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my boss. The other half are spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my subordinate. In reality, every night I go home to an apartment so empty that I don't even have condiments, to sleep alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I got home from college. Since I haven't seen my parents in almost a year I sorta expected them to come meet me/pick me up at the airport. Nope. What did I get instead? A text from my dad saying, "I hope you have a key." FML

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By tammy - 15/8/2010 17:24 - France

Today, a wasp stung my nipple. Twice. The swelling makes it look like I'm growing a third breast. FML

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By Cissy - 27/12/2018 00:00

Today, my former coworker called to ask if he could get it on with my ex-husband. The same ex I was married to for 20 years without knowing anything about his other life. I've been replaced by an overweight, middle-aged furry. FML.

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By pk24 - 25/2/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, I decided to try and call into a local radio station to try and win concert tickets for one of my favorite bands. I called in and was actually the winning number. When asked my name I answered quickly, but all I heard was "Hello? Hello?" Then they hung up. My cell phone was on mute. FML

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By knoppad - 13/6/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I was in my backyard. When I wanted to come back in the house, I tried to open the sliding door. I knew that my brother locked me out so I banged on the door very hard, causing the glass to break. It turns out that the door wasn't locked. FML

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By Faktafem - 19/6/2019 23:55

Alexa, play "People = Shit" by Slipknot

Today, I went to use one of the toilets at work, where once again someone had not flushed their poo. I work at an institute for higher education, and this happens on a weekly basis, even during the summer when no students are around. FML

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Top comments

By rldostie | 19

#893538 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:09

Time to open that mouth and tell the men in your life what you like. Men aren't mind readers. if your sexually unsatisfied, it's up to YOU to speak up and try to change that.

By Thatguywhotrolls | 0

#893541 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:10

That would be an awkward threesome.

COMMENTS

By NotMeh | 0

#893529 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:06

wow...

Reply

brantzilch | 0

#893544 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:10

haha

Reply

jdomfml | 0

#893585 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:19

I wanna see that exercise bike!!

Reply

purgarus | 6

#893657 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:58

HAWT! ;) Also pics or it didn't happen!

Reply

bettadenne1 | 0

#893664 - Friday 26 February 2010 10:02

he needs a bigger dik. hahaha

Reply

Fedor_fml | 0

#893792 - Friday 26 February 2010 12:11

ditch your bf and marry the bike, problem solved

Reply

ey3seecold | 0

#893819 - Friday 26 February 2010 12:26

maybe ur just fat !!!! or give him some handle bars...

Reply

sublimaze | 6

#893913 - Friday 26 February 2010 13:50

I bet there's more miles on her bike than her car

Reply

Mehness | 0

#893980 - Friday 26 February 2010 14:30

Bike fetish? I think so.

Reply

killerviral | 0

#894061 - Friday 26 February 2010 15:40

@sublime ahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahaaahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaahahhaaahh she can ride her bike with no handle bars no handle bars ahahahahahajajajajajjaja

Reply

thecbake4 | 0

#894227 - Friday 26 February 2010 16:31

I like to ride my bicycle...I like to ride my bike...I like to ride my bicycle...I like to ride it where i like...

Reply

paul924 | 0

#894636 - Friday 26 February 2010 19:45

or just get him on the bike

Reply

Dr33zy_fml | 0

#895503 - Saturday 27 February 2010 0:24

it could just be sweat YDI

Reply

chely_95 | 0

#896231 - Saturday 27 February 2010 5:02

epic fail

Reply

baby_val | 0

#896561 - Saturday 27 February 2010 7:07

hahaha nice

Reply

Austino713 | 0

#896709 - Saturday 27 February 2010 8:05

"his anaconda wont want none unless you got buns hun!!!!"

Reply

LforLove | 0

#898072 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:32

and he probably gets more turned on by melons then he does by you

Reply

jamiebuczko | 0

#900128 - Sunday 28 February 2010 10:37

lol #55

Reply

Aj4710 | 0

#933435 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 23:27

21 is the man.

Reply

blo0_starZz | 0

#1115614 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 22:57

u knw theres this psychological problem [email protected] rare in ppl. it mayks ppl think furniture is sexy ;)
no joke x]

Reply

JohnnyHobo | 0

#1132210 - Saturday 24 July 2010 8:14

Yup, Handlebars, and Bicycle both popped into my head when I read this. Hahhaha. Classic.

Reply

qwerty8788 | 4

#1341003 - Friday 3 September 2010 2:51

is it the Bruno bike? lol

By clumsyjazzy | 0

#893530 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:06

awww that sucks!!

Reply

garrettjordan | 0

#893535 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:08

haha wow think of it as a huge vibrator

Reply

jimmychunk | 0

#893616 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:29

where is snickerdoodles? it's a miracle!

Reply

purgarus | 6

#893661 - Friday 26 February 2010 10:00

Don't mention her name you might jinx it!

By rldostie | 19

#893538 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:09

Time to open that mouth and tell the men in your life what you like. Men aren't mind readers. if your sexually unsatisfied, it's up to YOU to speak up and try to change that.

Reply

CyrusTheBlue | 0

#893686 - Friday 26 February 2010 10:20

Listen to this man.

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#893895 - Friday 26 February 2010 13:39

Yeah. And don't feel bad about telling him; I'm pretty sure he was giving you the runaround with the treadmill anyway.

Reply

rldostie | 19

#894065 - Friday 26 February 2010 15:43

I'm a woman :)

Reply

myownenemy | 0

#894538 - Friday 26 February 2010 18:35

that doesn't change much then, she still needs to listen to you.

By ctuck311 | 0

#893539 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:09

that's sad

By Thatguywhotrolls | 0

#893541 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:10

That would be an awkward threesome.

Reply

eduardo2k | 0

#893553 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:12

lol

Reply

northerngirl | 0

#893575 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:17

thatguy........ awesome!!!! lmao

Reply

perdix | 29

#894025 - Friday 26 February 2010 15:14

Wait til the BF busts in on her riding the stationary bike while inflating the tire of a road bike with her mouth.

By Mnemic | 5

#893542 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:10

Your boyfriend is doing it wrong! :-o

By ilovethatfreak | 0

#893554 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:12

well, your bike probably is faster.

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#893886 - Friday 26 February 2010 13:34

..but it has stamina for a marathon!

By snipersdelight | 0

#893555 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:12

damn I love the way that sexy exercise bike looks mmmm!

By BrownSugar_fml | 5

#893556 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:13

bikes are so sexy

Reply

chachachaBang | 0

#896336 - Saturday 27 February 2010 5:36

hell yeah they are. ...apparently.

By GTR10 | 0

#893561 - Friday 26 February 2010 9:13

that's sucks!!!! u should talk to him.. let him know wut goin on.