Intimacy: Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my... - FML

By Lonesome - United States - Bossier City

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

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Out of it

Inspirational tale

Ed Sheeran-lite

By Anonymous

On yer bike

Today, I replaced the fog lights on my car and completely filled my gas tank. $50+ later, the transmission decided it wanted to go out. FML

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By disgruntled

Today, I was passed over for a team lead role at work which went to my older male coworker instead. He repeatedly said that he only wanted the position for the money and didn’t care about leading. When I asked why he was offered the role over me, they said he had more leadership experience. FML

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By Ethan - Australia

Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I got her she replied "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, I got locked in my boyfriend's garage in my underwear while his parents ripped him a new one for having sex beneath their roof. His sister had to let me out. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my college dormitory accused me of something I didn't do, breaking a law that I never heard of, charged me $200 to fix "what I did wrong", and is forcing me to go to counciling at the school. Not only was I not on campus when it happened, but I was the one who reported the problem. FML

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By Sous_Chef - United States

Today, my roommate came in slamming the front door. I guess he doesn't know that you can't throw hot water on frozen windows. He came up all pissed and called his insurance because he cracked the windshield. We have the same car, in the same exact color. Turns out he threw the water on mine. FML

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By Yocherrypicker

Today, I got my report card. My teacher gave me an F, and under class comments she gave me a U for unsatisfactory. So I got an F U from my teacher. FML

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By Anonymous

Only tighty whities

Today, my brother aged 12 years old tried doing laundry for the first time and ruined all my clothes with bleach. When my dad drove him to Walmart to buy replacement clothes for me, he bought me tighty whities. We both have worn boxers our whole lives. My dad won't return them. FML

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By outplayed

Today, while reviewing boxes of motorcycle parts, I noticed my neighbor's daughter gleefully watching me. I jokingly said, "Wanna do this?" and she let out a loud squee and got to work alone. A few hours later, the bike was ready for a test run. I had no idea how to even start building it. She's 14. FML

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By Felicityfrank - Australia - Glen Iris

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML

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By alanh69 - United States - Woodward

Today, I asked my dad to give me a haircut. After 20 minutes of "fuck"s and "shit"s, he gave up and just shaved my head bald. I pull off the look so badly that two people I don't even know have already told me I look like a psychopath. FML

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By Julie - Canada

Today, the C-train was packed and I was stuck with a homeless man pressed up against me. He was staring at me intently, and two minutes into the ride he got an erection, which was rubbed against me at every single bump and turn of the train. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 23:02 - United States - Merrimack

Bye, dipshit

Today, my husband told me he no longer loves me and is moving out. It's also our 13th wedding anniversary. FML

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By NotASpiderMan - United States - Seattle

Today, as I was changing my sheets, I found a huge spider under my pillow. My 10 year old sister had to get rid of it for me. FML

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By Cat vs. Dog - United States - Laramie

Today, my escape artist of a dog got out. She not only chased someone else's cat into someone else's house, but promptly defecated all over their living room floor out of excitement. That's one way to meet the new neighbors. FML

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By Anonymous

How nice of them.

Today, I learned what my office nickname means. My nickname? Butterface. FML

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By Anonymous

Lee Trevi-not

Today, I was practicing my golf swing on my front lawn. I took a swing and on the backstroke the golf club slipped out of my hands. Next thing I know, it hits a neighbor's window, shatters it, and goes right into their living room. FML

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By Ryan - France

Today, I cut my finger at work while chopping some vegetables. I grabbed the nearest rag I could to stop the bleeding and put it on the cut. I didn't know the rag had just been used to clean up a lemon juice spill. FML

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By apaterra - United States - Washington

Today, I had to come up with a new rule for my library's patrons: If you, your child, or your dog has thrown up on our books, we DON'T WANT THEM BACK. FML

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By janegeorge - Canada - Kanata

Today, a guy called me out of the blue. Apparently, he'd copied my number from a sheet we'd filled out in church. He doesn't understand why I'm "overreacting". FML

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By Howhardisittoclosethefuckingdooryouidiot - United States

Today, I discovered that my obese 57-year-old mother’s flat-out refusal to close the door when she uses the bathroom doesn’t change even when I have friends over. FML

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By ohsnap - Australia

Today, I took my car through the car wash. I got bored, so turned the radio on, forgetting that the aerial/antenna on the car is automatic. My car aerial is now bent at a 90 degree angle and about to fall off. The radio is half white noise, half stuff that may or may not be free jazz jam sessions. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spotted my neighbour's cat sitting on their front garden. I bent over and began walking towards it with my hand out saying, "Hello pussycat". I was only a few feet away when I realised I was talking to a white bag of sand. I turned to see my family in hysterics. FML

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By Anonymous

Mommy's boy

Today, I found out that in the past, my mother has paid or outright threatened my girlfriends into breaking up with me, because they were, "unsuitable trash not fit to be the mothers of my future grand babies." This explains why I’m 47 and have never married or had children. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband has always been clumsy, but am I alone in thinking it takes a special level of clumsy to trip over while naked and land with his penis in the mouth of the village slut across the street. FML

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By maddie - United States - Austin

Today, I discovered that the guy I've been seeing is a firm supporter of the Westboro Baptist Church. FML

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By dumb dumb dumb - 20/10/2020 11:04 - United States

Not a good look

Today, my daughter decided she wants to be a Pokémon for Halloween. To practice the look, she used fabric dye because she thought it would look cool on her skin. Only she decided to dress as Jynx and instead of looking cool, she looks like a racist idiot in blackface. She posted pics. FML

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By ohhhman - United States

Today, one of the Haitians that works in the kitchen at my restaurant said something to me. Usually I can't understand them and I just smile and laugh, so that's what I did this time. Later, I found out he was trying to tell me his father had passed away. FML

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By possibly fucked - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, my wife bought a strap-on. I'm about fifty miles beyond terrified. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover, a shaved head, and my period. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2021 21:30

Tinder surprise

Today, I was hitting it off pretty well with a girl I met through a dating app. However, she's never going to speak to me again because I also happened to "match" with her friend. How was I supposed to know they knew each other? FML

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By Paul - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. After yelling and firing me, his assistant comes in telling him he had mistaken me for someone else. He did not give me my job back, as he claimed it would make an awkward work environment. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I was riding the subway to work. Barely anyone was on because of how early it was. Me and this one guy in a trench coat were in the same cart. His stop came. He walked by me, flashed me, rubbed his penis on my arm, and then ran away really fast. FML

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By thatsnice - United States - Warwick

Today, I confessed to my roommate of 4 years that I'm in love with her. Her response? Sticking her tongue out at me and blowing a raspberry. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out I have a new allergy: the sun. My face is so swollen that it has started to bleed to relieve the pressure. Today is also day 6 of the 3-month European trip that I spent all year saving for. FML

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By tarah - 10/3/2021 21:30

Alexa, play "What difference does it make?" by The Smiths

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after finding out my parents are divorced. Same reason my last three girlfriends broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I painted a kids room at my new nanny job while the dad "helped" by staring at my ass and telling me how hard it is to position your "junk" correctly when wearing a speedo. First day on the job. FML

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By FMLTIMESTWO - United States

Today, I found a dead bird on my windshield. Thinking I was clever, I turned on my windshield wipers to get the bird off. Unfortunately, the dead bird fell through my open window and onto my lap. FML

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By aw-wtf - United States

Today, at work, a man bought a lot of really expensive stuff. He paid the large bill with cash, and the manager helped me count the money. When we were done, he handed me a $100 bill to thank me for all the help. We can't accept tips. The manager was next to me. I had to say no. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Knoxville

Today, while giving my final speech, a bump that had been growing on my arm popped. Pus leaked through my white dress sleeve, and it smelled like death. Everyone noticed. FML

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Top comments

By junkman6 | 22

#5812921 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

Life's all about having goals right?

By Llamacod | 11

#5812922 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

The best way to start out any New Years is with an orgasm

COMMENTS

By junkman6 | 22

#5812921 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

Life's all about having goals right?

Reply

JMichael | 25

#5812946 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:38

That's one hell of a goal to set. Try again next year OP.

Reply

thatADHDdude | 21

#5813099 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 19:58

Well, did you get it? I demand a follow-up!

Reply

masterof1 | 7

#5813165 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:55

FAPPY NEW YEAR

Reply

ingridsoare | 3

#5825777 - Monday 13 January 2014 4:27

This comment had exactly 365 likes haha

By Llamacod | 11

#5812922 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

The best way to start out any New Years is with an orgasm

Reply

MelTheGreat | 23

#5812980 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:57

Exactly. Better than mine because I slept right through the countdown.

Reply

challan | 19

#5813040 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 19:23

I agree. I'm 100% sure that OP wasn't the only one. Don't ask how I know.

Reply

ironmany_fml | 23

#5813086 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 19:48

The only way that you can be 100% sure that OP wasn't the only one is, if you were witnessing someone else doing it, or doing it yourself too... so which one is it.. ? ;)

Reply

sandraw1 | 22

#5813105 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:04

#40, she said "don't ask", du'uh

Reply

JMichael | 25

#5813120 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:19

But that just reeks with the smell of please ask me, I'm itching to reveal my secrets.

Reply

challan | 19

#5813124 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:23

I work for the NSA.

Reply

dingleberrysteve | 6

#5813142 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:35

only if youre a child prodigy

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#5813279 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:31

I'm genuinely not sure why #21 is being downvoted--she's right.

Reply

Beansforbill | 14

#5813653 - Thursday 2 January 2014 6:00

Because it's a boring comment

Reply

DavidKnows | 11

#5814848 - Friday 3 January 2014 7:04

#49. GREAT response!

By Melix | 31

#5812924 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:32

What a way to start the new year

By BillMurray_fml | 12

#5812928 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:32

It WOULD be quite a feat to time that right. Keep setting the bar high for the rest of us, OP.

Reply

nyellow | 6

#5813655 - Thursday 2 January 2014 6:01

Holy crap, it's bill Murray!

By xSkittle | 16

#5812931 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:32

Making your own firework heh

Reply

arandomusernameaa | 20

#5813459 - Thursday 2 January 2014 1:50

natural, biodegradable and free fireworks! and white for Winter!

By Senseless_487 | 29

#5812932 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:33

Fappy new year!

By ThomasBombadil | 31

#5812933 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:34

Didn't Sting used to be into things like this? Guess you're in good company!

By anythingmustbe | 18

#5812934 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:34

So you fapped once in the year? Amazing self control.

Reply

sybyabraham | 17

#5813321 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 23:17

He fapped continuously from 2013 to 2014.

Reply

bigdaddyeric | 30

#7581169 - Monday 1 January 2018 6:39

No, twice as it changed from year to year while fapping....

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#5812938 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:36

Bringing in the new year with a bang!

Reply

martin8337 | 35

#5812951 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:39

Self bang.

By FrankHotpants | 30

#5812939 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:36

Achievement unlocked