Intimacy: Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my... - FML

By Lonesome - 01/01/2014 06:41 - United States - Bossier City

Spicy

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 348

You deserved it 13 048

Dysfunctional

Leave spiders alone

Scarcity

By SingleWorker - 09/01/2010 03:45 - United States

Today, I come home for lunch. I see a sandwich on the table with a note saying "I hope we can have a healthy new relationship, Love, Carissa." I see another note from my girlfriend next to it saying "I hope you enjoy your new relationship with Carissa." Carissa is my new step mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 073

You deserved it 2 760

By en3rg1zer21 - 06/08/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I was peeing, and I sneezed. I looked down to see that my gum had flown out of my mouth and gotten caught in my pubes. On the upside I got a new look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 379

You deserved it 9 508

By soconfused - 03/03/2015 10:15 - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I have been at my new job for almost a month and still have no idea what I'm doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 277

You deserved it 11 481

By tenniemo - 10/08/2019 14:00

Today, I caught one of my students checking out my butt while I was helping another student at his table. I teach 8th grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 408

You deserved it 380

By thanksalot - 10/07/2010 20:05 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that my grandma died, expecting to be comforted. She got mad at me for "stealing her thunder" because her cat died two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 817

You deserved it 4 478

TMI

By Anonymous - 29/03/2021 21:59 - United States - Crystal City

Today, my neighbor, who is an elderly woman that I barely know, decided to tell me about how she feels she's lost too much weight and now when she looks at herself naked she thinks her boobs hang and look like bull testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 84

By iTried - 28/01/2016 12:12 - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my best friend was cheating on her boyfriend. After confronting her boyfriend and showing him proof, he responded with denial and didn't believe me. Now my whole circle of friends not only think I'm trying to start a rumor, but that I'm a home wrecker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 488

You deserved it 8 752

By bluemonday - 17/04/2009 11:47 - Canada

Today, I was having a dream that I was climbing out of a well. While almost out, I felt someone grab my knee; I screamed loud in terror. When I opened my eyes, nearly 25 people were staring at me. The lady across from me apologized for hitting me with her bag. I was on the C-train. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 373

You deserved it 7 396

By Anonymous - 08/07/2014 19:40 - United States - Clive

Today, at my local amusement park, I decided it'd be fun to meet someone on the roller coaster by sitting alone and hoping that someone nice would sit next to me. I rode the roller coaster 7 times. I sat alone each time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 472

You deserved it 13 763

By barf - 06/02/2015 23:00 - Ireland

Today, I experienced the horror of walking in on my best friend fondling his tits. Yes, "his". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 740

You deserved it 3 243

Who's been a naughty girl?

By one cock too many - 04/08/2020 05:02

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m the guy whose wife made adult films in college. Although embarrassed, I thought I may be able to get past it. Except for the fact that we dated in college, and she insisted we wait until after we were married to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 454

You deserved it 338

By Anonymous - 23/07/2016 18:36 - United States - Ridgewood

Today, I saw a homeless man on the street and decided to give him the dollar bill I had left in my wallet. He said "Thank you" then as I turned to walk away, he muttered "Cheap-ass cunt". FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 059

You deserved it 1 510

By LonelyInLA - 16/02/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, I was watching TV when the Jim Beam commercial came on with the hot girl saying how she likes her men fat and hairy. My mom walked in and said, "See honey, you still have a chance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 513

You deserved it 4 961

Reverse psychology

By Marie - 11/06/2020 17:12

Today, while trying to get my picky daughter to eat her dinner, I pretended to take some of her food and give it to her brother, thinking that would get her to eat it. Instead, she thanked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 031

You deserved it 725

By Anonymous - 28/07/2015 13:14 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a customer bitched me out, saying he wouldn't eat his vegetarian dish because it didn't "look vegetarian enough." He then demanded a refund and a plate of the same vegetarian dish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 162

You deserved it 1 511

By Jaded618 - 05/12/2010 12:48 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of eleven months broke up with me, but adamantly insisted I didn't move out of our apartment, because he can't pay the rent alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 496

You deserved it 3 914

By mark807 - 28/04/2012 06:52 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I fell and hit my head on hard concrete. When I went to the emergency room for a CT Scan, the nurse hit me in the head with an IV pole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 433

You deserved it 2 154

By Anonymous - 01/01/2010 07:11 - United States

Today, I was forced to spend New Years Eve with my strict/conservative parents in the middle of nowhere in Illinois. If I had nothing else, I looked forward to watching the ball drop in NYC. As the seconds counted down the T.V. shut off. Parental controls shut down cable at midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 208

You deserved it 2 856

It's all in the timing

By laststand11 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, my mom used, "Happy Thanksgiving break" and, "We sold your car" in the same sentence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 987

You deserved it 2 479

By Gonzales - 07/08/2015 19:47 - Belgium - Leuven

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend said she would give my penis a name: Gonzales. I asked why she wanted to name it that, and she said, "Because he's Speedy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 644

You deserved it 5 625

By why they bomb - 09/03/2015 06:01 - Canada - Campbell River

Today, feeling in need of a self-esteem boost, I took what I thought was a good selfie and I put it on Facebook. Out of 500 friends, the only response I got was a picture of Saddam Hussein with the caption, "This is why I bomb people." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 863

You deserved it 7 792

By Anonymous - 02/07/2014 23:20 - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my shoes were rubbing against my heel so much that one heel started to bleed. Not having any plasters, I stuffed some tissue down my shoe. When I walked off the train, a wad of blood-stained tissue fell out the back of my shoe. The guy behind me didn't think it came from my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 791

You deserved it 5 395

The truth will out

By ASad17Yearold - 07/05/2021 03:59

Today, I've lied about my grades for three years of high school already and my mom thinks I'm a straight A student. I'm supposed to be going to college in a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 129

You deserved it 1 432

Desperate nan

By Anonymous - 10/05/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, I graduated from college with two undergrad degrees in biochem and wildlife biology, with high distinction. My mom told me she had found me a job at a petting zoo. I thought she was joking. She then said sternly, "I want grandkids. At least you will meet girls there." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 229

You deserved it 3 543

By Ibrowtheedge - 16/08/2018 20:30

Today, I shaved off half of my right eyebrow by accident. It still looks better than my left eyebrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 331

You deserved it 449

None of your business

By Anonymous - 17/02/2021 17:01

Today, I told my mom my husband and I were considering having another baby. She said, "No!" about 30 times. Then later she texted me that she insists on no more kids. I guess I will never have that bonding moment with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 137

Creepy

By Anonymous - 03/01/2016 09:41 - Switzerland - Ruschlikon

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 002

You deserved it 4 517

By mm - 12/11/2012 17:27 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I went to see a movie with three of my friends, and I was sharing popcorn with one of them. Halfway through the movie, my friend asked me why I wasn't eating our popcorn. I then realised I'd been taking popcorn from the man sitting next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 784

You deserved it 8 942

By Anonymous - 24/06/2019 22:04

Today, I just got back from a party, where I spent most of the night comforting the girl I like. Why? Because the guy she likes was being grinded on by another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 421

You deserved it 429

By Anonymous - 01/06/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my new bikini must be cheap as shit because I tanned nicely where I put on sunscreen, but where I didn’t apply it under the bikini I’ve gotten super red sunburn on my butt, my lady bits, and my boobs. My nipples look like the ends of red felt tip pens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 512

You deserved it 793

By Anonymous - 06/07/2011 11:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was the designated driver. It was also my birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 137

You deserved it 5 398

By Amy - 19/05/2010 20:19 - France

Spicy

Today, I discovered my boyfriend has a thing for pregnant women. I'm not pregnant though, my roommate is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 127

You deserved it 3 548

By conchita - 10/02/2010 01:16 - United States

Today, I panicked when I felt a hard bump on the side of my stomach. I thought I had appendicitis. Turns out it was my ab muscles. I've been overweight so long I didn't know what they felt like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 355

You deserved it 27 196

By Badday - 23/11/2017 19:00

Today, I received a call from a company attempting to steal me away. Flattered, I told them I liked my job and the answer was no. When I told my boss, he said they're thinking about laying me off and I should've taken the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 419

You deserved it 376

By Anonymous - 29/01/2019 14:00 - Germany - Bad Frankenhausen

Today, I asked my Mom to buy me new shorts. She bought fluffy bubble shorts. I'm a 20 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 282

You deserved it 2 102

By panos016 - 15/07/2011 13:51 - United Kingdom

Today, after 14 rice-filled days in China, I came back home. What's for lunch? Rice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 511

You deserved it 9 872

By WastedTime - 07/08/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of one year told me not to walk beside him because people might "think we're together". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 685

You deserved it 5 706

By Anonymous - 22/03/2013 23:21 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I was feeling a bit insecure about my body, and I told my boyfriend I don't know how he can even stand to have sex with me. He replied, "I know, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 325

You deserved it 19 222

By mirrorfad - 29/01/2010 05:49 - France

Today, my mum got upset with me for getting my first hangover ever after being of legal drinking age for over 6 years. She is a closet alcoholic in denial who hides red wine bottles around the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 474

You deserved it 3 225

By justletitbeover - 28/05/2011 12:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I got so stressed about my upcoming final exams that, in the silent section of the library, I had a panic attack and almost passed out. No one helped me. 3 people shushed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 295

You deserved it 9 559

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

Life's all about having goals right?

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

The best way to start out any New Years is with an orgasm

Comments

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

Life's all about having goals right?

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:38

That's one hell of a goal to set. Try again next year OP.

thatADHDdude 21

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 19:58

Well, did you get it? I demand a follow-up!

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:55

FAPPY NEW YEAR

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Monday 13 January 2014 4:27

This comment had exactly 365 likes haha

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

The best way to start out any New Years is with an orgasm

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:57

Exactly. Better than mine because I slept right through the countdown.

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 19:23

I agree. I'm 100% sure that OP wasn't the only one. Don't ask how I know.

ironmany_fml 23

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 19:48

The only way that you can be 100% sure that OP wasn't the only one is, if you were witnessing someone else doing it, or doing it yourself too... so which one is it.. ? ;)

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:04

#40, she said "don't ask", du'uh

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:19

But that just reeks with the smell of please ask me, I'm itching to reveal my secrets.

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:23

I work for the NSA.

dingleberrysteve 6

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:35

only if youre a child prodigy

doctorhook86 24

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:31

I'm genuinely not sure why #21 is being downvoted--she's right.

Beansforbill 14

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Thursday 2 January 2014 6:00

Because it's a boring comment

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Friday 3 January 2014 7:04

#49. GREAT response!

Melix 31

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:32

What a way to start the new year

BillMurray_fml 12

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:32

It WOULD be quite a feat to time that right. Keep setting the bar high for the rest of us, OP.

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Thursday 2 January 2014 6:01

Holy crap, it's bill Murray!

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:32

Making your own firework heh

arandomusernameaa 20

Thursday 2 January 2014 1:50

natural, biodegradable and free fireworks! and white for Winter!

Senseless_487 29

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:33

Fappy new year!

ThomasBombadil 31

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:34

Didn't Sting used to be into things like this? Guess you're in good company!

anythingmustbe 18

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:34

So you fapped once in the year? Amazing self control.

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 23:17

He fapped continuously from 2013 to 2014.

bigdaddyeric 33

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Monday 1 January 2018 6:39

No, twice as it changed from year to year while fapping....

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:36

Bringing in the new year with a bang!

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:39

Self bang.

FrankHotpants 31

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Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:36

Achievement unlocked

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 221

You deserved it 71

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 133

You deserved it 2 513