Miscellaneous: Today, I realized I can tell which one of my 6 roommates has...

By sosadstudent - Netherlands

Today, I realized I can tell which one of my 6 roommates has taken a dump, just based on the smell emanating from the toilet. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Season finale

Planned assault

By BOHICA123 - United States - Brighton

Today, being so desperate for money, I accepted a job in which I get shot at with paintballs for 6 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 10:05 - United States - Baton Rouge

Medically accurate

Today, I sprained my ankle badly at a volleyball game. I asked my coach for some athletic tape so I could get back in the game. She handed me duct tape and said that athletic tape and duct tape are basically the same. Getting duct tape off your sprained ankle hurts like hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

991

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157

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By Sorry? - United States

Today, I took a test. I got up to turn it in, and accidentally bumped into another student. We both whispered, "Sorry." Our teacher promptly gave us detention and a 0% on the test for talking. Sorry for being sorry? FML

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11995

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By ashhatches - United States

Today, while at Costco, I was eating a hotdog when I saw a really hot guy walking over. Trying to be sexy, I bit my hotdog cutely and winked. I ended up choking and dropping the ketchup covered hotdog all over my lap. FML

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13388

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandparents are in town for the weekend and are staying in our guest bedroom. This morning I went upstairs to get a drink of water only to see my 75 year old grandfather standing stark naked with the fridge door open. He then asks me if we have any coffee creamer. FML

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49334

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By whatthefuck - United States - Providence

Today, I had a dream where I was having the best sex of my life. With Donald Trump. My boyfriend hasn't stopped laughing. FML

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25431

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By Anonymous

Misunderstanding

Today, my boss sent me to remove a tree from a client's home. So I went and cut down the tree, only for my boss to show up an hour later, speechless. I was supposed to remove a sapling that had sprouted through the driveway tarmac, not the 100-year-old prizewinning Japanese cherry tree. FML

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1300

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By ___Ruby_____

Today, as I rushed to get my pants on, I slipped and bashed my forehead against the solid oak back board of my bed. School starts in 30 minutes and I look like I lost a boxing match horribly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2462

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360

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By isuckatlyfe - United States

Today, I was excited to see my ex-girlfriend. We had broken up while I was in Iraq and I wanted to try to get her back. I spent my first day back looking for a place to live while her and her new boyfriend got it on as I slept. I had chosen that apartment for us and paid for that bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42809

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By bummer.. - United States

Today, I found out that the man I just married doesn't want to have children. We had this conversation multiple times with no problems before getting married, but now he would "rather die" than have children, because according to him, they would ruin his life. FML

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36424

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By kryan012 - United States - Savannah

Today, I heard a commercial for a great apartment complex. Includes food, snacks, entertainment, activities, cleaning service, and transportation services if you cannot drive yourself. I was really excited until the end when they repeated the name; too bad my perfect place is a senior center. FML

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27914

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8444

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By ap84 - United States

The nickname that sticks

Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My team mates waved and said "Bye POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot. FML

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83630

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5604

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By Hreyes - United States

Today, I overheard my boss stressing out over finding a replacement for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML

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29404

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2135

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By mylifeeee - United States

Today, in art class we finally had the critique for the self portraits we've been working on for a month. We critique a few and come to mine. Everyone is silent. Finally, one girl says "I'm just going to be blunt. It doesn't look like you. You're not that pretty." Everyone nods. FML

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66998

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired from a large oil and energy service company after 5 and 1/2 months. The interview process to land the job took 8 months. My interview process was longer than my job. FML

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40774

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By sockmonkey - United States - Corona

Today, my parents decided on my punishment for failing an English test. No deodorant for a week. They think they're so hilarious, they told all their friends and now it's all over Facebook. FML

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30660

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By snortingspunk - South Africa

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. He came. A lot. I doubt I'll remember it as anything other than, "The day I found out what sneezing semen feels like." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27283

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4070

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By living_thedream - United States - Bethpage

Today, while living in Florida, I had a conversation with my mother explaining that it might be best for me to come back home. Her response, "Don't worry, they have plenty of homeless shelters down there if you need a place to stay." Thanks Mom. FML

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31759

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 15 year old sister asked which animal rice comes from. She believed every word when my mum told her it's harvested from tiny cows in Asia. FML

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31508

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By Anonymous - United States - Metamora

Today, a cop turned his lights and siren on to pull me over. I pulled into a parking lot and got a ticket. It wasn't until the cop pulled away that I realized that I'd pulled into, and interrupted, an on-going funeral visitation. FML

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24627

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By hopeless romantic - United States - Dayton

Today, I realized my dog looks at me with way more love in his eyes than my own boyfriend does. FML

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42085

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By Anonymous - Greece

Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML

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36107

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By cchandler - United States

Today, I received a phone call from the number of a "single" guy I met online. It was his wife, who is three months pregnant. She threatened to kick my ass. FML

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36234

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cooking with super hot ghost peppers. The package said "After handling them not to touch your eyes, nose or pets". They should've added "penis" to that list. FML

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14014

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By Anonymous

Dared

Today, I was dared to stand and hold a sign saying, "Free Hugs." This girl I'd never seen before gave me a crushing hug and cried hysterically on my shoulder in the blazing afternoon sun. I couldn't get her off. FML

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946

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By e_edge - United States

Today, after I successfully blew up a really large balloon, my mom said, in front of my older brother's friends, "Wow, you're going to make some man really happy one day!" FML

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46633

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By Damn

Today, I applied online for a position and typed, "OH&S Certificate." It autocorrected to, "OH&SHIT Certificate." I didn't notice until the site e-mailed me a copy of my completed application. They'd already received it. FML

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7985

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By pist

Today, I was lying in a lawn chair next to my wooden fence when a yellow liquid started spraying me. The neighbor's douchebag son was peeing through the small hole in the fence and soaked me. FML

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4614

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By Sudoc

Working too hard!

Today, after spending 6 hours straight working on a project at school, I decided to call it a night. The instant I set foot out of the lab, the building started screaming. The maintenance guy had set the alarm without telling me. The police had to let me out. FML

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3808

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By ilovemypup

Today, while at my job in a candy store, a boy stuck his hand into the bin, contaminating the candy. As I politely explained that the dad had to purchase the affected candy he refused, yelled, then angrily agreed to buy them. The total cost of the candy with the extra pieces? $1.69. FML

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10804

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Woodford Green

Hello, is me you're looking for?

Today, I moved into my new place. It evidently used to belong to a hooker, because although I've only lived here for 9 hours, so far several different men have knocked on my door and asked if "Stephanie" is available for a good time. FML

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50055

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By Seanzy - United States

Today, the girl I've had a crush on forever asked me why the pin on my Letterman jacket had two guys doing it. I told her it was for participating in a wrestling tournament. And she responded, "Oh I thought you were finally coming out of the closet!" FML

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64868

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Today, I was struggling to move a large bookshelf downstairs. Mid-way down, the weight became too much for me and I desperately yelled to my dad for help. He stood at the top of the stairs and said, "Cash or broken bones. How much's it worth, son?" I'm now £50 poorer. FML

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42968

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By MakeMeASandwich - United States

Today, I found out that as a supervisor, if you reprimand a female worker and end the conversation with "Now get back to making sandwiches," your boss will consider it sexism and suspend you. I work at Subway. FML

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57210

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By Gwayhir - France

Today, I was making love with my girlfriend and my landline rang. Obviously, I let it go to voicemail. At the very moment I was about to cum, I heard my mum's voice on my voicemail: "Hi sweetheart!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

49907

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I'm travelling to England for an important meeting. I'm Norwegian, and my name is Bård. I have to introduce myself as bored the whole day, because that's how my name is pronounced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37548

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By spanishteach - United States

Today, I told my students that I would be absent tomorrow because my wife was giving birth. They burst into applause... not to congratulate me on the new baby. FML

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52180

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By sore - Australia

Today, I was paintballing when I got shot in the stomach and winded. As I was gasping for breath on the ground, someone came up and shot me point blank in my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43158

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By anyomous - United States

Today, I bought tickets for my friends and me to go to a concert. While I was in the shower, they ditched me and took my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43798

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By Unfortunate Painter - United States - Merced

Today, I found out the can of spray paint I got at Walmart yesterday has no spray nozzle, rendering it useless. I'm working on a project that needs to be done by the weekend, so I get to go wait in a huge line and risk being trampled to death tonight just to exchange one damn spray paint can. FML

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Top comments

By Death_From_Above | 0

#2382177 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:45

that's a bit disturbing

By chickunkey | 0

#2382211 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:49

You should expand your talents for all to see. Get your own show.

COMMENTS

By Death_From_Above | 0

#2382177 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:45

that's a bit disturbing

mars28 | 4

#2382190 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:46

a bit?

360XBOXFTW | 0

#2382223 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:50

sarcasm FTW

eddieyes | 0

#2382605 - Thursday 21 April 2011 10:31

shut up , if I dont get the sarcasm then it's not one

KittehGirl | 3

#2382618 - Thursday 21 April 2011 10:33

very disturbing...

overthelimit | 3

#2384069 - Thursday 21 April 2011 17:54

you know your roommates too well.. time for new ones :D

esu | 5

#2385558 - Thursday 21 April 2011 23:48

that's fucked..

ptxace | 0

#2387630 - Friday 22 April 2011 10:42

Nast.

alex1502 | 0

#2391098 - Saturday 23 April 2011 5:57

I dont think that's a good thing...

cda2090 | 6

#2396031 - Sunday 24 April 2011 6:29

supa fun orgy time

By chickunkey | 0

#2382211 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:49

You should expand your talents for all to see. Get your own show.

MrsLender_fml | 3

#2382346 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:12

She is a poop dweller!

iSitt | 0

#2382385 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:36

get a job at the colon clinic

iSitt | 0

#2382493 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:35

get a job at the colon clinic

mmmskittles | 3

#2383079 - Thursday 21 April 2011 13:46

Scotland yard can use someone with such abilities.

By racer337 | 2

#2382229 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:50

Maybe you should get out more?

By FriskyTaco | 0

#2382241 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:50

Buy some febreze or a scented candle...you obviously have a keen sense of smell..it's a gift

misssarahfina | 0

#2382986 - Thursday 21 April 2011 13:14

By Infamous_Hawk | 6

#2382253 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:53

The fat one? Even though they say it isn't them, it is.

briidontgive_ | 0

#2382354 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:14

Haha, that's what I was thinking

By anabuddy123 | 10

#2382275 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:57

weird...

Nimmrodel | 11

#2382340 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:11

It's all down to diet.

CheckMyProfile | 17

#2383412 - Thursday 21 April 2011 15:44

Agreed!

By louiseyanna | 0

#2382281 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:59

worst fml I have ever read.

By Andrewlostnow | 3

#2382287 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:01

Sad..

ceddyz17 | 10

#2382303 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:04

your mom is*

whosdatchick | 0

#2929330 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 10:21

what's sad is your pic

By ceddyz17 | 10

#2382298 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:02

and I can tell how far away by how strong the tuna smell is

By denvan | 0

#2382308 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:05

Wow your smell sense is like a hounds. Are you mixed or pure breed?