Today, I realized I can tell which one of my 6 roommates has...

By sosadstudent - 20/4/2011 20:52 - Netherlands

Today, I realized I can tell which one of my 6 roommates has taken a dump, just based on the smell emanating from the toilet. FML

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Miscellaneous

Emergency haircut

Long story short

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By Freechbear - 17/9/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, my ex girlfriend is sleeping over at my house. At some point while she was preparing to dump me, she became best friends with my sister. FML

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By black and yellow - 21/1/2013 06:32 - United States - Salinas

Today, I went to see my new dentist. He was really cute, so after the checkup I started flirting. He stopped me right after I asked him out, saying, "Being a dentist has its advantages, I can see the girl's mouth before I stick my tongue in it. And in your case, it's a big no." FML

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By ST3PH - 9/7/2009 19:17 - Canada

Today, my boss requested that I re-organize every file in the office, because she wanted the filing cabinets alphabetized right to left, not left to right. To thank me, she came into my office to give me one uncooked ear of corn. I think my boss has mistaken me for some kind of farm animal. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2015 15:09 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML

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By amyhyett - 28/1/2015 23:18 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I walked into a door on my way in to an interview, in front of the interviewer and a group of people waiting to be interviewed. FML

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By xpxp2002 - 27/5/2009 09:48 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I met this beautiful girl at a restaurant and we ended up having lunch together. Everything was going perfect until the end when I tried to get her number and she wouldn't give it to me. I can't even get a girl in my dreams. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2013 06:01 - United States - New Bloomfield

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

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By snipsnip - 16/7/2016 01:14

Today, after finally growing my curly hair down to shoulder length, I decided to get it styled for a dinner date. The stylist rolled up the barrel brush on my head and it got stuck. Hello, pixie cut. FML

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By need new job - 24/4/2016 18:12 - Germany

Today, I was hired as a student assistant. I was excited, until I learned on my very first day that "Supporting the academic staff in their research" actually meant walking the professor's dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was afraid my mother had seen the bottle of hand lotion I'd forgotten to take off the desk after I'd whacked off last night, but she acted fine. I went out with friends to find she'd had changed the background to say "Please Do Not Watch Porn on the Family Computer." FML

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By ken - 19/7/2011 07:40 - Canada

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is cheating on me when she was arrested for having sex in public. Not with me though. FML

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By ashleylynn17 - 25/2/2014 21:59

Today, I was told I pull the "whole grunge look" off quite well. I don't dress "grunge", nor was that my intention. FML

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By not picking up - 20/3/2015 17:50 - Slovenia - Zelimlje

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents. My dad thought it'd be hilarious to act surprised and ask me if I'd already dumped the girlfriend I introduced him to yesterday. She slapped me and stormed out of the house before my dad could tell her it was a joke. FML

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By Scaredwitless - 28/1/2011 04:35 - United States

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

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By Crap - 28/1/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for horrible stomach pains. He said I had an abnormal amount of stool in me, and that I'd need to flush it out. I called my mom and told her what happened, to which she responded, "I always knew you were full of shit, I didn't need a doctor to tell me that." FML

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By blahblah1993 - 20/2/2015 17:56 - United States - Katy

Today, I'm 8 months pregnant and still waitressing at a local restaurant. There were only 3 of us serving today and things were hectic. One guy bitched me out, saying "Maybe if you lost some weight you'd walk a little faster!" because I wasn't fast enough with his soup. FML

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By 0h_Boy - 4/3/2020 18:00

Death Rattle part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, at my job in a funeral home, I was transferring a body off a stretcher when it exhaled its last breath. Right into my face. FML

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By failure - 22/9/2011 18:36 - United States

Today, my professor snapped and told me that I know nothing, that everything I've ever learned is wrong, and that all of my former teachers should be shot. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2012 10:27 - United States

Today, I broke my arm, and posted a picture of my X-ray on Facebook to show everyone how bad the break is. Nobody even asked me if I was OK. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2013 02:52 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, my sink seemed to be filling up with dirty water. Concerned, I turned on the garbage disposal and plunged away. With no change in the water levels, I called a plumber. He reached in, pulled out the drain plug, and give me his bill while chuckling to himself. FML

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By Hurrikhan - 23/3/2013 11:43 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I lost my dog and so I put up 'lost' signs. As I was coming back home I noticed one had been written on. It said: "Found your dog. Keeping it". FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I realized that I'll have to explain to my child that mommy and daddy met on World of Warcraft. FML

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By disconnected - 23/9/2014 20:19 - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, we spent an entire day without being able to do work because our internet connection was down. Turns out, only the router had crashed and nobody bothered to reset it "to avoid doing further damage". FML

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By kharrington - 7/4/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 11:34 - United States - Macungie

Today, a homeless man asked me for some money to eat. He ate the five dollars I gave him. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I saw a spider in my bathtub, so instead of killing it, i decided to bring my dog inside the bathroom to kill the spider for me. Turns out that the spider was a black widow, and my dog was bit. The dog killed the spider. The spider killed my dog. FML

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By promoted - 20/12/2010 05:29 - Australia

Today, my boss quit his job and stopped coming in without warning. Guess who just inherited his tasks and responsibilities without the training or pay associated with his manager role. I was hired last year as a junior system admin. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2010 17:09 - United States

Today, after suggesting to my daughter for a while that she should try out for a cheerleading team to become more confident, she went to tryouts. She didn't make the team and she's spent the last six hours in her room crying. FML

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By embarrassed - 21/12/2009 00:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I texted my Dad to tell him I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and won't be home. Since I had predictive text on, my phone didn't quite get the word 'home' - the message I sent said, 'I'm staying at Will's, I'll not be good tonight.' FML

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By Rockyio - 30/9/2009 17:45 - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. My best friend called me at work and offered to take me out to lunch. When he went to pay for the meal, his card was declined so I told him not to worry and that I would pay for the birthday meal. He looked at me and said "It's your birthday?" He was serious. FML

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By eeeee - 14/6/2012 20:40 - United States

Today, my morning sickness was so bad that I threw up everywhere, just from thinking about the pretend meal that a kid had made for me. FML

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By NotYourTracy - 30/10/2018 13:30

Today, while on the bus, I started a conversation with the person next to me. After a little back and forth, she finally said, "Do you think people will stop talking to me if I say I have aids?" FML

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By Depressed - 4/8/2011 11:45 - Sudan

Today, I arrived in Africa to start my new job. I agreed to come to a city with little to no electricity, and poor water for triple the money I was making in Canada. I just realized my boss and I negotiated in two completely different currencies, and I'm now making half of what I used to. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2011 19:38 - United States

Today, for the first time in years, I broke down in tears, over a Hallmark commercial. FML

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By latino - 11/11/2010 11:30 - United States

Today, at the Museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML

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By Terry - 5/12/2018 17:30

Today, I opened the bathroom door and it broke my wife’s little toe. As revenge she ruined the ending of assassins creed which she had gotten me for Christmas. FML

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By phoenixditch - 23/5/2013 07:13 - United States - Burke

Today, I was ditched by the guy I flew over two thousand miles to see. His excuse? "I'm just tired. I want to go home and sleep" Later, he checked in at a bar right down the street from the hotel on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2012 11:36 - United States - Hockessin

Today, I got a mosquito bite inside my cast. FML

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By littleman - 6/4/2012 11:32 - United States

Today, I realized I'm too short to use the urinals at work. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2013 07:30 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was in an Austrian bar, making polite conversation in my broken German with a slightly odd middle-aged man. He said, winking, that he was near to his pension. I smiled and nodded, thinking he was talking about retirement. My friend later informed me that 'pension' is German for 'apartment'. Ew. FML

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Top comments

By Death_From_Above | 0

#2382177 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:45

that's a bit disturbing

By chickunkey | 0

#2382211 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:49

You should expand your talents for all to see. Get your own show.

Comments

By Death_From_Above | 0

#2382177 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:45

that's a bit disturbing

mars28 | 4

#2382190 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:46

a bit?

360XBOXFTW | 0

#2382223 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:50

sarcasm FTW

eddieyes | 0

#2382605 - Thursday 21 April 2011 10:31

shut up , if I dont get the sarcasm then it's not one

KittehGirl | 3

#2382618 - Thursday 21 April 2011 10:33

very disturbing...

overthelimit | 3

#2384069 - Thursday 21 April 2011 17:54

you know your roommates too well.. time for new ones :D

esu | 5

#2385558 - Thursday 21 April 2011 23:48

that's fucked..

ptxace | 0

#2387630 - Friday 22 April 2011 10:42

Nast.

alex1502 | 0

#2391098 - Saturday 23 April 2011 5:57

I dont think that's a good thing...

cda2090 | 6

#2396031 - Sunday 24 April 2011 6:29

supa fun orgy time

By chickunkey | 0

#2382211 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:49

You should expand your talents for all to see. Get your own show.

MrsLender_fml | 3

#2382346 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:12

She is a poop dweller!

iSitt | 0

#2382385 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:36

get a job at the colon clinic

iSitt | 0

#2382493 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:35

get a job at the colon clinic

mmmskittles | 3

#2383079 - Thursday 21 April 2011 13:46

Scotland yard can use someone with such abilities.

By racer337 | 2

#2382229 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:50

Maybe you should get out more?

By FriskyTaco | 0

#2382241 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:50

Buy some febreze or a scented candle...you obviously have a keen sense of smell..it's a gift

misssarahfina | 0

#2382986 - Thursday 21 April 2011 13:14

By Infamous_Hawk | 6

#2382253 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:53

The fat one? Even though they say it isn't them, it is.

briidontgive_ | 0

#2382354 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:14

Haha, that's what I was thinking

By anabuddy123 | 10

#2382275 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:57

weird...

Nimmrodel | 11

#2382340 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:11

It's all down to diet.

CheckMyProfile | 17

#2383412 - Thursday 21 April 2011 15:44

Agreed!

By louiseyanna | 0

#2382281 - Thursday 21 April 2011 8:59

worst fml I have ever read.

By Andrewlostnow | 3

#2382287 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:01

Sad..

ceddyz17 | 10

#2382303 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:04

your mom is*

whosdatchick | 0

#2929330 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 10:21

what's sad is your pic

By ceddyz17 | 10

#2382298 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:02

and I can tell how far away by how strong the tuna smell is

By denvan | 0

#2382308 - Thursday 21 April 2011 9:05

Wow your smell sense is like a hounds. Are you mixed or pure breed?