Today, I reached into my fridge to grab a strawberry soda. I... - FML

By kjmsit - 16/6/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I reached into my fridge to grab a strawberry soda. I noticed the can had started to leak from the top so I slurped up the spilt red liquid on the top of the can. I realized it wasn't soda, but blood from a defrosting steak on the shelf above it. FML

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Get me away from here, I'm dying

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Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By antwo - 22/1/2012 04:50 - United States

Today, a cute girl was walking towards me. She held up her hand for a high five, so I also did the same. I hadn't noticed her friend behind me, and was left hanging and embarrassed. FML

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By waitwhat - 18/3/2012 20:46 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I was browsing some hardcore porn sites. My mum decided to barge into my room uninvited, so I quickly switched tabs. Unfortunately for me, all five other tabs were also parked on porn galleries. Now my computer and phone are confiscated, and I can only get online at the local library. FML

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By tiredeolfatty - 21/9/2012 02:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was having a race with a little kid. I let him win to make him feel like a champion. After the race, he turned to me and said, "Maybe if you weren't so fat you would have won." FML

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By ouchbrow - 10/8/2013 21:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my hair done. The hairdresser managed to catch my eyebrow piercing in his comb and almost rip it out. I now look like I have a gunshot wound on the upper right hand side of my face. I'm getting married in a matter of hours, and I still had to pay £100 for the hair cut. FML

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By pickuptruckblues - 17/11/2014 04:17 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I was stopped behind a pickup truck filled with junk. I told my friend that the person should have secured the junk better, since it looked like it would fall off any minute. My friend assured me it wouldn't. Right after she said that, a large piece of plywood fell off and hit my windshield. FML

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By NotAmericanIdol - 23/4/2009 20:04 - United States

Today, I was home by myself. I was singing "If I Had A Million Dollars" really loudly since I figured no one could hear me. As I'm really into the song, my neighbor shouts, "If I had a million dollars, I'd give it to you to stop singing" and slams his balcony door shut. FML

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By mcase - 31/7/2012 05:36 - United States - Compton

Today, my 17-year-old daughter's friend told her that superglue works well as lip gloss. She tried it. FML

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By Petitprof - 12/11/2010 18:23 - France

Today, someone in my class wrote "Erase me if you can!" at the very top of the board, as I am always tormented about how short I am compared to everyone else. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach it. I'm the teacher. FML

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By whyeventry? - 2/8/2013 04:39 - United States - Neenah

Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was making salsa and got jalepeno juice all over his mouth. A little bit later, he started going down me. He hadn't washed his mouth. FML

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By cxcrktkt - 12/4/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, my ten year old son realized something. Beer is alcohol. People who drink a lot of alcohol are alcoholics. Therefore I am an alcoholic for drinking beer with dinner. He told everyone at his conservative private school and they tried to have an intervention. They pray for me every day. FML

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By knee pain - 9/12/2013 19:17 - United States

Today, I woke up in my hospital bed after having knee surgery, on the wrong knee. FML

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By tor - 10/7/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, one of my bosses came into work and told me that they had seen my dad's twin in the supermarket holding hands and kissing a much younger woman and her baby. My dad doesn't have a twin. FML

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By CzechMeOut - 4/8/2009 13:19 - United Kingdom

Today, while visiting family in the Czech Republic, I was told on two separate occasions that I looked like a Czech TV star. Flattered, I asked what the TV show was called. Turns out there's a Czech version of 'Ugly Betty'. FML

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By adjk90 - 16/12/2010 17:06 - United States

Today, I was helping a customer when she asked if we were open on Christmas eve. I wasn't sure, so I asked my manager. My manager looked me over and said, "Yes, we will be open. Thank you for volunteering to come in." FML

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By xoccerplaya - 6/10/2011 10:46 - United States

Today, I forgot what I was doing while listening to a voicemail and started talking back to it. FML

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By :/ - 4/2/2013 00:26 - Netherlands - Nijkerk

Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for 2 months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML

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By neverakid - 14/4/2012 01:01 - United States

Today, I surprised my daughter by telling her that I'm going to treat the family to a trip to the Himalayas in a few months. She promptly threw a tantrum and listed her main reasons for not wanting us to go: "It's a freaking desert there," and, "I'll miss the new Spiderman movie." FML

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By seatle girl - 28/6/2016 00:43 - France - Les Mureaux

Today, my six-year-old daughter organized a treasure hunt… for our cat. She hid the contents of an entire bag of cat food all around the house. FML

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By fired - 17/9/2013 04:36 - United States - Barnesville

Today, I called work crying, telling them that I wouldn't be able to go to work tomorrow due to my grandmother's sudden and tragic death. After hanging up, I walked into the midnight release of Grand Theft Auto 5. I had no idea my boss was also an avid gamer. FML

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By DontBeRude - 28/9/2015 04:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother felt the need to remind me not to fall in love with a fictional character. After laughing and reassuring her that I knew the difference between fiction and reality, she replied, "You know, honey, sometimes I'm not so sure." FML

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By ohforchristssake - 21/9/2015 02:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy I recognized from one of my classes messaged me on a dating site. He wanted help with homework. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2018 04:00

Today, my husband left his cellphone unlocked so I decided to go through it. I found 10 texts threads from 10 different women, one of them from my 18 year old sister who was sending him nude pictures. FML

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By MarkQ95 - 21/7/2013 23:58 - Ireland

Today, trying to flirt with a girl, I was trying to make it out as if I had a great sex life. I got stuck between saying "100% customer satisfaction" and "no complaints" and blurted out "100% customer complaints." FML

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By unlucky - 20/4/2013 21:17 - United States - Wheeling

Today, I came home from a four month stay in Africa, where I managed to avoid suffering any serious illness. Some hours after my first meal back at home, I got food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 07:18 - Canada

Today, I saw my girlfriend going into my best friend's dorm room and suspected her to cheat on me so I placed a camera in his room to spy on them. In the end, I discovered that my girlfriend has problems in math and both my best friend and brother are gay. FML

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By yep, she does have a tumblr - 18/7/2015 02:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a girl called me a racist, stereotyping asshole. All I did was ask a kid who happens to be Asian to tutor me in math. Which I didn't do just because he's Asian, but rather because he's in college and is actually a brilliant mathematician. FML

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By noname - 25/6/2010 17:29 - United States

Today, my mother wore a see through shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2015 15:08 - United States - Venus

Today, my boss let me sit in on a board meeting. It was awesome until the guy next to me let out a vile fart, then looked at me in disgust, causing the others to look at me in disgust too. When I told my boss what really happened, he told me to grow up and stop blaming the other guy. FML

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By icarlymom - 5/3/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, my 18 year old daughter comes home telling me she has been fired from her job at McDonalds. The reason? They had ICarly happy meal toys and she couldn't resist stealing one. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2009 16:46 - Egypt

Today, the man I was going to dinner with got me the most expensive necklace. We got to the table he had reserved when his friend comes and sits with us. Somehow the subject of getting it on comes up. My date then says "expensive jewelry - one way ticket to her pants". FML

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By Badkitty14 - 9/8/2012 20:16 - Canada - Mississauga

Issues

Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend asked me what he should get his mother for her birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2012 11:58 - United States - Gorham

Today, my grandmother saw me for the first time in years. "Not all your clothes have to be as tight as condoms, you tramp," is probably the nicest greeting she's ever given me. FML

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By mrs.nerd - 23/10/2011 12:38 - United States

Today, my husband and I were getting intimate when a notification for a game popped up on his iPad. He immediately shoved me aside so he could take care of his baby dragon. FML

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By LadyLou - 3/11/2015 11:42 - Australia

Today, at work, a customer told me that my teeth would make a very pretty necklace. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 14:02

Party in my underpants!

Today, you could think I was hosting a festival. Main event: Aunt Flow & The Zits. Preceded by: Mopey & the Munchies. After Party with: The Bloats and The Farts. Whoever hasn’t left by then will have to see The Bloody Underpants. FML

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By pokie - 30/8/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that my fantasy was for him to eat me out on the dinner table. My boyfriend told me his was me in a Pikachu costume. FML

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By unicornlove - 17/7/2020 20:01

No soup for you

Today, I was bringing a table a bowl of soup at my waitressing job. A new customer taking off his coat threw his elbow out, violently knocking the soup out of my hands and onto his baby in a highchair. The baby screamed; I had a panic attack. FML

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By it's awkward - 11/8/2015 16:22 - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, at Subway, the pretty girl serving made me so nervous that I forgot what cucumbers were called. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2017 01:30

Today, an hour after telling me she wasn't in mood for sex, my girlfriend called me to help her get a cucumber out of her ass. FML

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Top comments

By neverland_fml | 0

#310036 - Tuesday 16 June 2009 12:03

Oh man, nasty! That's why meat goes on the bottom. Hope you don't get sick.

By redbluegreen | 40

#310048 - Tuesday 16 June 2009 12:05

Are you vegetarian? That'd be even worse.

COMMENTS

By neverland_fml | 0

#310036 - Tuesday 16 June 2009 12:03

Oh man, nasty! That's why meat goes on the bottom. Hope you don't get sick.

Reply

TapeMan_3000 | 0

#879466 - Sunday 21 February 2010 19:18

nasty!

Reply

jonnyplayzaguita | 0

#964817 - Saturday 20 March 2010 7:55

yuumm i love drinking cows blood its really good ans works well for rituals

Reply

DarkPrince_fml | 0

#973093 - Friday 2 April 2010 18:13

ZOMG as soon as I read this I literally tasted cows blood

Reply

IMTHEGREATEST | 0

#1021612 - Sunday 6 June 2010 18:18

who cares? whenever you eat meat, the blood is inside it. some cooking techniques actually turn the blood into sauce

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1196540 - Friday 6 August 2010 3:41

ydi 4 not putting steak on a plate

Reply

tencentsakiss | 19

#1411049 - Thursday 16 September 2010 2:26

225: it matters because they could wind up with E. coli or something.

Reply

aubsx3 | 0

#3157013 - Monday 22 August 2011 6:29

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit after reading this FML

Reply

CaptainCommenter | 6

#5434964 - Thursday 4 April 2013 19:54

#225 Cooking the food kills the raw bacteria. Eating it raw is like a death wish for your stomach.

By Eros_fml | 0

#310037 - Tuesday 16 June 2009 12:03

bloodah!

Reply

smiles1234456 | 0

#313384 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 3:17

HAHHAHAHAHAHA
BLOUUD

Reply

gntfmlingnow | 12

#2943626 - Thursday 21 July 2011 8:45

tasty

Reply

maverik5124 | 6

#4587728 - Tuesday 19 June 2012 22:08

Bohoo where's the fml?

By tany_fml | 0

#310044 - Tuesday 16 June 2009 12:05

wont that make you sick?

Reply

ddldave | 0

#322856 - Saturday 20 June 2009 5:30

Agreed, should see the doctor.

By redbluegreen | 40

#310048 - Tuesday 16 June 2009 12:05

Are you vegetarian? That'd be even worse.

Reply

Remegy | 3

#313382 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 3:17

on the plus side if he's a vampire, then it'd be good...

Reply

BonnieTaylor | 0

#316268 - Thursday 18 June 2009 6:31

why the hell would a vegetarian have meat in the fridge?

Reply

ILikeTuhtles | 0

#322014 - Friday 19 June 2009 23:45

Might live with others who are not vegetarian

Reply

BrightSidegirl82 | 0

#1560606 - Sunday 17 October 2010 12:53

that's the situation I'm in

Reply

InfernoVivo | 12

#2646612 - Thursday 9 June 2011 6:54

If she was vegetarian, why would she have a steak in her fridge?

By jenkins56 | 5

#310055 - Tuesday 16 June 2009 12:06

That's gross.
It's more gross that you had blood-dripping meat on a high shelf. Agree with #1

By Avenging_Angel | 0

#310056 - Tuesday 16 June 2009 12:07

What on earth would possess you to do that?! Just grab another can if one has stuff on the top! YDI!!

Reply

Christonarhino | 0

#2060813 - Wednesday 9 February 2011 4:19

So do you just throw away the can with "stuff" on it or let someone else worry about it? Then again,,it is easier to just grab another than walk to a sink .

By tany_fml | 0

#310058 - Tuesday 16 June 2009 12:09

do you defrost meat in the fridge?? i thought you did it on the table?? i have no idea

Reply

lackofcolour | 0

#314876 - Wednesday 17 June 2009 18:39

you can do it either way, the fridge takes a little longer.

Reply

pandachic27 | 9

#5160773 - Sunday 18 November 2012 7:48

No, it's supposed to defrost in the fridge cause if you leave it on the table it has higher chances of transmitting food borne illnesses. Sorry for my nerd out.

Reply

vaxc | 17

#6616385 - Friday 27 May 2016 21:46

we use the sink

By lottofee | 0

#310065 - Tuesday 16 June 2009 12:11

hahahahaa! i would easily react the same way, it was just bad luck, that it wasn't soda. so FYL.

By Syoungblood07 | 0

#310074 - Tuesday 16 June 2009 12:15

ROFL OMG LOL That is so disgusting/funny!!! Ewwww! Next time, put the meat on the bottom, stupid.

By xo_emily_xo | 0

#310075 - Tuesday 16 June 2009 12:16

Ewwwww. That is fucking GROSSSSSSS!

Reply

jebby011 | 0

#974177 - Monday 5 April 2010 2:58

twilight is gay. the only good character in it is the one who played Cedric diggory in the, I think 4th Harry potter

Reply

jim69_fml | 0

#1195292 - Thursday 5 August 2010 22:56

just so you know Harry potter is fucking gay too.

Reply

vaxc | 17

#6616386 - Friday 27 May 2016 21:49

just so u know ur fucking gay as well