Today, I pulled into a parking lot and waited for a car to back...

By Anonymous - 5/2/2012 20:41 - Canada

Today, I pulled into a parking lot and waited for a car to back out so I could take their spot. The apparently batshit insane psychopath in the other car managed to completely overlook me waving him out, and backed straight into my car. FML

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Transportation

Rock, hard place

Caught red-handed

Goodbye Bill

By lynn - 22/6/2012 16:14 - Australia - Bongaree

Today, my new roommate woke me up at noon to bitch about my "selfish sleeping habits" and how they ruin her ability to invite anyone over. I work the graveyard shift at the hospital. FML

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By Adios Career - 26/11/2015 16:27 - United States

Today, a great job I have been wanting to apply for opened for applications. Turns out it requires a clean background with no credit issues. I recently got a notice saying my wife and I are being sued over an unpaid $140 medical bill that she neglected to pay. FML

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By helen - 10/5/2011 03:44

Today, I realized that I give the computer screen a thumbs up whenever I see something cool. I work on computers in front of people all day. FML

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By anonymous - 30/1/2018 06:00

Today, I ended up in an awkward position during sex and dislocated my knee. My wife accused me of doing it on purpose to criticize her for being too fat and heavy for sex. FML

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By Tyler - 19/11/2011 08:05 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML

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By chunkymonkey - 23/11/2011 23:54

Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML

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By Boulette - 23/6/2014 05:44 - France - Dammartin-en-go?le

Today, I was on vacation, when a very cute guy starting talking to me and asked me what my name was. Overwhelmed and stressed out, I blurted out that I didn't have one. FML

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By biggs sprhro - 10/10/2015 04:25 - United States - Bryan

Today, my friends were right about me being whipped. My girlfriend now has me setting an alarm for 3 hrs after she's fallen asleep, all so I can uncover her feet so she doesn't get too warm. FML

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By joe - 31/1/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML

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By eeeee - 14/6/2012 20:40 - United States

Today, my morning sickness was so bad that I threw up everywhere, just from thinking about the pretend meal that a kid had made for me. FML

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By Sedici - 18/12/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, I got screamed at, threatened, cursed, and spat on by an elderly couple for "running them off the road". I was driving an ambulance, lights and sirens on, with a 4 year old in the back who couldn't breathe. They were going 20 in a 50mph zone for 2 miles straight. FML

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By footinmouth - 21/1/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was hitting on a girl that was getting ready to walk into the same class as I. We were waiting outside the room, and I told her that I heard the Professor for the course was a total bitch. We walked into the room. I sat down in a desk. She stood behind the podium. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2017 13:00 - United States

Today, during the birth of my first child, my epidural didn't work. FML

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By all shat out - 7/11/2014 06:53 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I got demonic gastric distress while taking my final college exam. I only got about 50% of it done, left the classroom 50% faster, and experienced both 50% dread and 50% relief. Now I have to repeat 50% of the class. FML

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By swim5 - 31/3/2012 12:22 - United States - Tempe

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me because he is moving. He's only moving 20 minutes away. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2014 19:32 - United States - College Station

Today, I have such severe ADD that I can't focus without my medication. When I take the medication, I can only focus on one thing, but not necessarily the thing I need to be focusing on. I have a chem test soon, and I've been vacuuming my room for the past 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2010 06:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, who hasn't shaved in a month, went to go shave. I was pretty excited since his beard was starting to make my face itch whenever we kissed. When he came out of the bathroom he had a handlebar mustache. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

Today, and ever since I was born, I've had a lazy eye. This morning my boyfriend broke up with me. He thought it was funny to state that we just weren't looking at life in the same way. FML

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By sick and lonely - 27/8/2016 03:19 - United States - Rockford

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I had a fever from a stomach virus. I was shivering with cold sweats while she explained there was nothing wrong with our relationship, but she would regret not giving her cheating ex a second chance. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2013 23:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. A few hours later, we discovered he's highly allergic to my Summer's Eve soap. He looks like he's been attacked by bees. Yay for losing my v-card. FML

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By Yeah - 24/10/2014 05:02 - United States - El Paso

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2012 13:43 - Norway

Today, a truck rear-ended my car and drove off. I could see everything from my office, everything except his license plate. FML

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By Mark Allan - 25/3/2012 16:06 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I finally got the guts to text this cute girl at school. I started sending flirtatious texts, only to find out the hard way that she'd given me her boyfriend's number. FML

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By dj163 - 16/9/2009 08:25 - Australia

Today, my (now former) best friend kicked me out of the band I started because I wasn't 'dedicated enough' after a 3 day 'holiday' to visit my dying uncle. He also during this 3 day 'holiday' convinced my girl friend to leave me and date him. FML

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By seaweedlady - 21/6/2011 14:49 - United States

Today, my mother tried to have a conversation with me. While she was taking a piss. With the bathroom door wide open. FML

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By joyf - 8/12/2019 20:00 - United States - San Francisco

It's hot!

Today, my boyfriend's parents came over. It got hot, so I took off the jacket I was wearing, but I forgot I wasn't wearing a shirt underneath. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 21:42 - Canada

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2013 22:45 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I had to show my daughter where the USA is on a map. She's 17, and we live in the USA. FML

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By stixx - 25/10/2009 17:18 - United States

Today, I got a new cat. I tried to reenact the opening scene from Lion King, where in Simba gets held up for everyone to see. The fan was on when I lifted my cat up. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2017 06:00

Today, I had a few drinks with a female friend after having a bad week. I got so wasted that I wound up ending the night by giving my boyfriend a rimjob. He thoroughly enjoyed it and thinks it's going to be a regular thing now. FML

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By bootycall:( - 15/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Oxnard

Today, I went on what I thought was my fifth date with a guy. We finally got intimate and it was amazing. As soon as it was over, he said : "Sorry babe, I should get going. I have a date tomorrow and I'd hate to be tired for it." FML

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By daughter - 5/8/2012 07:49 - United States - Kailua

Today, since I'm still recovering from my surgery and can't drive, my daughter drove me to the doctor. When I was done and walked outside, she was nowhere to be seen. Then I got a text: "Sorry, I forgot I have to be somewhere." The closest bus stop to our house is miles away. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2013 06:55 - United States - Evansville

Today, my girlfriend announced to everyone at dinner that she was no longer a virgin. This was news to everyone: her parents, siblings, best friend, and me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2012 16:43 - Canada

Today, while I was walking home alone, a homeless man approached me and took me by the hand. Apparently, he's been watching me for weeks and has fallen madly in love with me. He told me not to worry, though; he's not a rapist. FML

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By makdra - 6/1/2016 18:01

Today, I found out my mom can't wait until I turn 18, so she can kick me out and turn my room into a huge closet for all her clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2009 14:08 - United States

Wrong question

Today, my girlfriend and I were having ice cream and I jokingly asked, "What's better? The sex or ice cream?" Apparently, I don't pleasure her like Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream does. FML

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By truckstopworker - 27/4/2017 02:00

Today, while working at my truck stop, I helped a trucker check his tires. He seemed like a pretty nice guy, and we chatted for a bit. After he took off and I walked back inside, I went to clean the shower he was in before. Turns out he took a shit on the floor. His wife had been in there with him. FML

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By Bandgeek - 16/3/2017 20:00

Today, at work, 5 minutes after I'd sent my help home, we got an 83 dollar order. I'm the only cook. FML

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By living in the ugly treehouse - 14/2/2016 11:23 - Australia

Today, while taking the bus home, a girl stared at me for a while before asking me if I'd ever heard of makeup. FML

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By nickorion12 - 28/6/2016 14:21 - United States - Shawnee

Today, it's my birthday. My children decided to make me "breakfast in bed", only to end up catching the kitchen on fire. FML

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Top comments

By bitchesbcrazy | 0

#3997788 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:45

Damned batshit psychopaths

By sweetness17 | 7

#3997791 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:45

15 minutes can save you 15% on your car insurance.

Comments

By hatesfate | 6

#3997776 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:44

Ouch. That sucks. Hope they have good insurance!

robotchicken19 | 0

#3997814 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:47

Hopefully he listened to the gecko and got geico.

biggestfan23 | 11

#3998006 - Monday 6 February 2012 3:20

Yea that's when you beep the horn repeatedly.

kooochris1995 | 14

#3998303 - Monday 6 February 2012 4:26

What's with all the fmls about parking lately? Lol

trollfaced | 2

#3999170 - Monday 6 February 2012 5:25

At least you weren't driving a smart car

royalt313 | 0

#3999176 - Monday 6 February 2012 5:26

That's what your horn is for.. Waving isn't going to do anything bro.

I_Punch_Babies | 7

#3999536 - Monday 6 February 2012 7:11

I bet the guy hit him on purpose

kj51 | 5

#3999570 - Monday 6 February 2012 7:27

"it's that bitch who stole my spot in line"

By MelTheGreat | 23

#3997777 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:44

who needs driving school?

Katiekhalifa_fml | 28

#3997946 - Monday 6 February 2012 3:01

Is that a rhetorical question..?

MelTheGreat | 23

#3998073 - Monday 6 February 2012 3:35

Duh.

amyjadee | 0

#3998125 - Monday 6 February 2012 3:45

Your mother.

The_Tool1 | 13

#3998256 - Monday 6 February 2012 4:16

Is that a fat joke?

Dadz_fml | 0

#3999037 - Monday 6 February 2012 5:01

No.

MrSassypants | 32

#3999076 - Monday 6 February 2012 5:08

Is this also a random, stupid question to add on to the others in this thread?

The_Tool1 | 13

#3999153 - Monday 6 February 2012 5:22

Mrsassypants, quit putting up pointless questions. Tool

LunaDragon | 10

#3999458 - Monday 6 February 2012 6:42

I just wanted to board the fail train, am I in the right place?

tanneriscool | 2

#3999914 - Monday 6 February 2012 9:12

Is this spot taken? I need company for this long ride..

capper44 | 18

#4000748 - Monday 6 February 2012 16:01

Well if you gonna teach then i would just go for lesson while i do have a lisence lol :p

tanneriscool | 2

#4007593 - Wednesday 8 February 2012 4:16

^^ Are you speaking a language?

McDonaldsworker | 4

#4012390 - Thursday 9 February 2012 8:30

Hey all!

That's the spirit!
Let's all get thumbed down together!

kylo_117 | 17

#6560002 - Tuesday 15 March 2016 22:51

SpongeBob

By msm0220 | 0

#3997781 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:44

Lot vulture.

EatnBeef | 7

#3998093 - Monday 6 February 2012 3:40

Thems fightin words OP. I didn't see you.

By bitchesbcrazy | 0

#3997788 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:45

Damned batshit psychopaths

schrodingersdog | 4

#3997953 - Monday 6 February 2012 3:06

You forgot insane!

WaSiSimiLang | 8

#3998231 - Monday 6 February 2012 4:11

Errr... What? Them being blind /= they are psychopaths... Blind batshit yes...

grapisy | 8

#3998930 - Monday 6 February 2012 4:40

I would be quite frightened if I saw a pile of guano driving towards me. Although "Night of the Living Bat Shit" DOESN'T quite have the right ring to it for a horror film...

DrOfTheInternet | 6

#3999108 - Monday 6 February 2012 5:14

Make a driving mistake? Must be a psychopath who is trying to kill everyone. Wtf?

2ndSucks | 15

#3999442 - Monday 6 February 2012 6:38

Don't be a killjoy. Just laugh at the damn FML.

AlexanderSilver | 0

#4001242 - Monday 6 February 2012 18:44

70 I agree. OP acts like the man was too busy cannibalizing his friend to look around.

By sweetness17 | 7

#3997791 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:45

15 minutes can save you 15% on your car insurance.

hahahaidontgetit_fml | 5

#3997809 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:47

or more!

silentbutfunny | 0

#3997870 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:53

By switching to Geico

Minecraftering | 5

#3998216 - Monday 6 February 2012 4:08

And giving someone a blowjob.

The_Tool1 | 13

#3998919 - Monday 6 February 2012 4:39

15 minutes can get you a lot from me.

Bigmoneyshotz | 0

#3999039 - Monday 6 February 2012 5:02

LMFAO!!!

quite_bored | 9

#3999287 - Monday 6 February 2012 5:50

But the question is: Are you in good hands?

2ndSucks | 15

#3999426 - Monday 6 February 2012 6:32

Well, only one specific part of him... That is, if the fifteen dollars allows such business.

sweetness17 | 7

#4007460 - Wednesday 8 February 2012 3:29

60- what does that mean exactly?

PackardBell_fml | 19

#6613686 - Tuesday 24 May 2016 5:47

And, is State Farm there like a good neighbor?

By omfg_creepers | 8

#3997793 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:46

From psychopath's perspective: "Oops! Just a little dinger, that's what insurance is for."

Awsumuzzie | 12

#3998320 - Monday 6 February 2012 4:33

Lol this reminds me, the should pull out the tooth brush and tooth paste.

Awsumuzzie | 12

#3998339 - Monday 6 February 2012 4:35

They*, sorry.

By xbella | 8

#3997795 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:46

waving? why didn't you honk.

Keebz_02 | 0

#3999515 - Monday 6 February 2012 7:04

Apparently, in OP's mind, the horn is only for use in letting someone know the light has turned green.

P_to_the_AM | 9

#3999677 - Monday 6 February 2012 8:27

Or just back up when you see him coming closer?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4001586 - Monday 6 February 2012 20:11

112- it's a parking lot. Chances are there were parked cars right behind op.

By pinkcrayola | 0

#3997828 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:48

This happened to me before except they told the insurance company it was my fault.

By DontClickOnMe | 28

#3997836 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:49

I would've honked if I saw that they were backing up too much. Or I would try to back up a little, too.

By chaela | 3

#3997837 - Monday 6 February 2012 2:49

Should have honked or backed up your car!

Vernetto | 8

#3999383 - Monday 6 February 2012 6:21

The batshit insane psychopath probably backed up too quickly for OP to react at all.

justalilrandom2 | 4

#4000238 - Monday 6 February 2012 11:33

I did both, the car behind me did nothing, result? Accident is my fault, op as long as it isn't your fault why sweat it? You'll be fine, honest.