Today, I phoned one of the IT guys upstairs for help with my... - FML

By debodave - 22/7/2009 20:06 - Germany

Today, I phoned one of the IT guys upstairs for help with my PC. He said it would only take a few minutes; and would just fix it through a direct connection from his computer to mine. Hours later; I was feeling devilish, and quickly checked out an adult website. Mr IT Guy was still connected. FML

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Long story short

Everyone's an expert

You snooze, you lose

By Wick - 26/5/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket while driving to my court date for a prior speeding ticket. FML

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By Finn - 5/7/2016 06:49 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I went to grab a coffee at a new café in town. While sipping my coffee, I noticed a man staring at me through the window. I thought he was browsing the menu before I looked up mid-sip to him staring at me in the eye, sucking on his finger. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2009 07:30 - United States

Today, I'm being evicted from my apartment for not paying rent. My father is the on-site landlord. Meaning I now have to move my stuff downstairs into his place and hear every day how I'm a failure. FML

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By Xandar - 9/11/2018 17:30

Today, I was told by my wife that we were going to be parents. We are both females. FML

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By Velian - 9/12/2008 08:59 - France

Today, I began to undress my wife, who was watching TV, and gave her a massage to relax her while she watched her soap. 20 minutes later, when the programme came to an end, she said "I wish you'd let me watch TV in peace!". FML

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By coolguy - 6/11/2012 05:15 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I woke up and looked over to see the "beautiful girl" I slept with last night. Turns out it was the obsessive girl from my class with a man-face I had avoided all semester. In conclusion, beer goggles are very real and very powerful. FML

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By bucollegegirl - 8/10/2012 14:07 - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he said that I should go to the bathroom so we don't end up pregnant. When I asked why, he said that I need to "pee out the semen." I explained to him 5 times that I don't pee out of my vagina. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By Sanchez - 7/1/2010 17:22 - United States

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

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By snathans - 13/4/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I took one of those IQ tests on the internet. I cheated and still got a 70. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 06:46 - United States

Today, at work, we had an extremely rude customer who started cussing at us, and my coworker started cussing back. I jumped on the register to quickly bring down the line, and apologized to everyone for the scene. A secret shopper was in the line and claimed that I was rude. I got written up. FML

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By bad boyfriend - 26/3/2010 01:50 - Canada

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house. She had promised me we'd get it on so I couldn't wait. When I got there, I didn't get it on. Instead, I got a list of reasons why I make her depressed. FML

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By M.A. - 25/2/2014 05:22 - United States - Prescott

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. This poses a problem, because her mother is my boss, and we work in an office on the first story of their apartment. Tomorrow I have to decide whether to quit my awesome and only job, or go to work for my now ex's mother in their house. FML

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By murphyslaw948 - 27/11/2019 05:00

Murphy's law

Today, I fall for a guy after 3 years of being celibate, after he shows all the signs of being into me. Turns out, he likes my best friend who is dating another guy I liked and was just using me to compensate for her unavailability. Guess I am really a walking, talking example of Murphy's law. FML

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By GHTD - 27/1/2011 11:20 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, whilst on hold to an important client, I said to my co-workers "F*cking hell, this woman sounds high as a kite". I heard a cough on the other end of the phone. All calls are recorded. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2009 14:08 - United States

Today, I was running outside. On the last mile I am along side some fields. While running along the side of the road I glanced down and saw a snake. I was so startled I jumped left in front of a car screaming like a girl. The snake was dead. FML

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By teflon_hammer - 25/5/2016 23:19 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was taking a shower, facing away from the faucet, when I dropped the soap. When I bent over to pick up the soap, my sister flushed a toilet in the next room, causing hot water to scorch my anus. I got made my shower's bitch, FML

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By Bethany - 7/8/2013 14:26 - United States

Today, I have an orthodontist's appointment, and I told my best friend that I was going to get my teeth fixed. She replied, "Wow, thanks. Your smile's really awful to have to look at." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2014 20:23 - United States - Du Quoin

Today, I found out why my dad always treated me badly as a kid compared to my siblings. It's because I was conceived while my mom was cheating on him. On top of that, he made it clear that he still doesn't consider me a "real" part of the family. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2019 06:00

Sounds reasonable

Today, my 70 year-old mother complained about the patio window being dirty. I asked her why she couldn't clean it, or anything else in the house for that matter. I was informed she can't clean windows because she's not left handed. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2015 22:23 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I had to serve an incredibly rude and irrationally angry customer, but I managed to keep my cool. When he finally went to leave with his purchase, I wished him a good day. He whirled around and yelled "I'll have whatever the fuck kind of day I want, bitch!" FML

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By booo - 27/7/2012 17:46 - United States - Minden

Today, I had my eyebrows waxed for my senior pictures. After manhandling me, the cosmetologist managed to "accidentally" take my whole eyebrow off. It looks like I'll be remembered forevermore as the girl with one eyebrow. FML

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By tsunami - 10/9/2018 03:30

Time to move out!

Today, my mother took my brand new PS4, which I haven't even played yet, and threw it out the window while I was at work. When I asked her why, she said she was mad that we didn't have any paper towels left. FML

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By Matt - 30/4/2019 02:00

Today, I got a call saying I was successful in my interview to be a pizza delivery driver. As I picked up my contract and got in my car, I reversed sideways into a pole and ripped off my front bumper. The manager came out and helped jam the bumper in so I could make it home. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2013 17:26 - United States - Springfield

Today, marks my third day of school being closed due to snow. One, and only one, of the teachers has decided that we have to do work online in the meantime. I just so happen to be in three of his classes. FML

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By Ewwwwno - 19/9/2017 11:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, I found out that most of my family has the same fetish as I do. I don't know whether to be revolted or relieved that I'm not the only one. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2012 20:22 - United States

Today, I didn't have plans on shaving my pubic hair. My girlfriend's braces thought otherwise. FML

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By rammedbehind - 26/8/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, I was driving to work when a state trooper rammed into my car from behind, because he was on the cell phone and not paying attention. He gave me a ticket for "Failure to control speed to avoid a crash." FML

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By ash - 13/6/2011 03:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that he is homophobic. This wouldn't be such a big deal, if my mother wasn't a lesbian. He doesn't know this yet, and I'm afraid to tell him. FML

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By Vicky - 26/12/2009 20:47 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend went to kiss me as we were walking home. It was very icy and he slipped. His teeth went through my lip. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2012 19:19 - United States - Paterson

Today, I went to the water park with my boyfriend. A swimsuit was required to go on the rides. My bikini straps somehow got torn off and I had nothing else with me. My boyfriend said, "Hell, just wear my spare shorts. You could pass as a guy with your chest". FML

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By kareed3 - 19/7/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I got a letter in the mail about my periodic health assessment for active duty Soldiers. I came back positive for two curable STD's that are extremely common on Fort Polk. I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife. FML

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By heartbroken - 14/7/2012 01:41 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I came home in tears after my boyfriend admitted to cheating on me. My dad told me to sit down and tell him everything. He's pretty eccentric, so I wasn't fazed when he put on a pair of sunglasses. When I stopped talking, I noticed his mouth was slightly agape and he was snoring. FML

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By Blah - 2/8/2018 05:00

Today, I learned that my (ex) boyfriend has a breastfeeding fetish. How did I learn this? I found him sneaking pictures of my breastfeeding sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 04:19 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for the tattoo artist who gave us our matching "love" tattoos. FML

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By siggit - 10/9/2009 15:58 - United States

Today, I left on my honeymoon with my wife who is terrified of flying. The pilot announces incoming storms in the flight path, and the man next to me starts saying it's "probably fate" and "we all have to go sometime" and my wife goes into a full panic attack. We haven't even left the ground yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2013 07:49 - United States

Today, I took my 13 year old fishing off the pier for dogfish. The only thing he caught was a piece of my ear. FML

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By A.Summers - 30/9/2013 22:41 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my parents surprised me by redecorating my room. I think they were more surprised by the box of naughty toys under my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2016 02:39 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, on a first date, he told me I look like his ex's mom. FML

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By malicemassacre - 21/3/2020 15:00

Capitalism kills

Today, the county I live in is quarantined. My boss announced that, "We keep working until the government says they will shoot us if we leave the house.” We work in a call center. Not essential at all. FML

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By faith - 16/6/2020 23:00

Goodbye Bill

Today, I went to a restaurant to order food with just a $100 bill. They no longer had what I came for, so I left. When I got to my car, I realized - no bill. I went back in for them to say they hadn't seen it, and they wouldn’t check the cameras. I know the lady working there picked it up since I was the only customer. FML

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Top comments

By rob8625 | 0

#420400 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:32

You are really stupid to look at porn at work

By SurfDaWave | 0

#420423 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:37

YDI. At work? Really?

COMMENTS

By PenguinBob | 0

#420327 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:18

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

bloodthorn | 4

#420560 - Thursday 23 July 2009 2:17

YDI for being such a porn addicted pedophile sex freak. i hope you die and never get another blowjob again

Reply

RacerrRex | 0

#420563 - Thursday 23 July 2009 2:18

I modded this one. I approve of it.

Reply

bloodthorn | 4

#420568 - Thursday 23 July 2009 2:19

i dont think anyone cares. suck a dick, and die

Reply

Imawhalerider | 0

#421018 - Thursday 23 July 2009 5:44

Awesome idea for sharing memberships

Reply

bobmandude | 0

#1087233 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 4:19

Its not (completely) his fault, I mean the guy said only a few minutes not the hours that were actually used.

Reply

bobmandude | 0

#1087238 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 4:21

I epic failed. 2 comments with the same thing XD

Reply

MileyCyrusIsHot | 5

#3994958 - Sunday 5 February 2012 5:40

98 is right

By midwestjerk | 0

#420328 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:18

Dumbass. I hope you got fired.

Reply

bobmandude | 0

#995939 - Monday 17 May 2010 5:46

He isn't that much of a dumbass, though it was stupid, b/c he thought the IT guy was off since he said it would take a couple of minutes and not the hours it actually took.

Reply

baconcatz | 4

#5776814 - Tuesday 3 December 2013 4:02

You clearly didn't read the FML right the OP is not the IT man his job is not even discussed why would he lose his job?

By DameGreyWulf | 0

#420350 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:23

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By ifzombiesattack | 0

#420374 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:28

who cares?

Reply

Canucksftw24 | 6

#5014343 - Sunday 7 October 2012 9:16

The bosses

By Nomad609 | 0

#420377 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:29

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

midwestjerk | 0

#420405 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:33

On company time, on a company computer? He probably fucked the computer up looking at porn in the first place.

Reply

Nomad609 | 0

#420438 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:42

No Im pretty sure it wasnt the cause of crashing his computer since he said he was feeling devilish so pretty sure he only looked at that time of the repair.

Reply

midwestjerk | 0

#420450 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:45

It's likely that the checked before.

Even if he hadn't, it's not exactly a smart idea to be looking at porn on company time. If you doubt me, go ahead and try it at your job.

Reply

midwestjerk | 0

#420503 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:59

That first line should read: "It's likely that he's checked them before."

Reply

f_alltheirlives | 3

#423341 - Friday 24 July 2009 0:17

#7 LoL says you, your seven :P

By WonderBlunder | 0

#420383 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:29

You could get fired for that.. Just hope that the IT dude likes your taste in porn..

By rob8625 | 0

#420400 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:32

You are really stupid to look at porn at work

By thelastgirl | 0

#420411 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:35

Feeling devilish, eh? ohh, spiffing!

By lobby0ne | 0

#420422 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:37

how old are you to be doing that at work????

By SurfDaWave | 0

#420423 - Thursday 23 July 2009 1:37

YDI. At work? Really?