Miscellaneous: Today, I performed a piano piece at a school play. Everything... - FML

By Anonymous - 18/04/2016 19:28 - United States - Carlisle

Today, I performed a piano piece at a school play. Everything went well until I got up and accidentally smashed my shin against one of the piano legs. Before I could bite my tongue, I'd already yelled "Fucking hell!" in front of about 50 second graders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 691

You deserved it 5 127

Dementia or hate? You decide

Litter

Pay up, dude

By Sarah91 - 13/10/2008 08:23

Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday". FML

I agree, your life sucks 115 344

You deserved it 16 556

By iMarriedmymother - 07/11/2009 07:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wife told me she had stopped taking her anti-depressants a month ago in hopes of increasing her non-existent sex drive. I asked her if it had helped, and was about to suggest she start taking them again for her own wellbeing. She replied with, "Anyway, I'm just not attracted to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 757

You deserved it 2 533

By PerpetuallyHappy - 25/09/2012 23:20 - United States - Rochester

Today, I got sent to the principal's office because my Dad decided that instead of signing his name, he would sign, "Ms. Bigtits", because he wanted to make sure the teachers were paying attention to what their students handed in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 795

You deserved it 1 908

By banana - 04/02/2009 20:20 - United States

Today, I hooked up with this man for the first time. He takes his shirt off and has a chestful of black hair. He had his name shaved into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 989

You deserved it 8 673

Criminals

By Jonny - 22/09/2021 20:01

Today, I heard from my little nephews that in school, the father of one of their peers has his arms all covered in tattoos. Their grandpa told my nephews to stay away from people with tattoos, as they were likely criminals and wanting to kidnap children. He doesn't know I have a tattoo in my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 148

By tgpgs - 19/01/2011 14:55

Today, at work, I spent half an hour on the phone with a customer. At the end of the conversation, as he was putting down the phone, I heard him say 'God, he was a miserable git'. I'm a 28 year old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 077

You deserved it 3 961

By Anonymous - 07/05/2015 15:45 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was out with my youngest cousin and we had to stop for gas. Since he just got his license, I asked if he wanted to pump the gas while I went into the station to get snacks and pay. He pumped my car full of diesel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 617

You deserved it 7 154

By anonymous - 22/02/2011 07:07

Today, I had to fake fall down the stairs so my mom would stop texting and actually pay attention to what I was saying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 478

You deserved it 14 130

By MaeMoss - 18/07/2012 14:21 - United States

Today, I used a man's shirt as a pillowcase and sprayed it with cologne so I wouldn't feel alone in the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 959

You deserved it 8 260

By Moron with reflexes - 29/05/2019 06:03

Today, I thought I felt a spider crawling by my eye. Having a huge fear of spiders, like an idiot, I lamped myself in square in the eye. I now have a partial black eye because of what turned out to be a feather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 174

You deserved it 933

Close shave

By Gears - 29/04/2019 16:00

Today, I had dinner at a local fast-food joint. There's an employee there that I usually talk to and flirt with, so I thought maybe it was time to ask for her number. After a small conversation and almost getting to the point, she told me, "I'm 17." I'm 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 081

You deserved it 718

She used me

By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Santa Monica

Today, I discovered my friend will be upstaging my birthday by hosting another birthday party shortly afterwards. Not for her of course, but in honor of her favorite actor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 706

You deserved it 156

By PhailedMidterm - 12/03/2013 19:03 - United States - Mattapan

Today, I was at the library doing research for my midterm. All of the computers were in use, so I decided to use my laptop instead. Ten minutes later, I was confronted and kicked out. My offense? Unauthorized use of the library's so-called "Free Public WiFi". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 989

You deserved it 3 153

By Academia - 18/08/2011 08:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I got accepted into University onto a course I don't want to do, but my parents said they would disown me if I didn't go. I believe them: they haven't spoken to my shop assistant sister in about three years now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 630

You deserved it 2 974

Christmas is dangerous

By LondonTor - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I was moving my sofa to make space for the Christmas tree and the sofa slipped on the wooden floor, thus flipping my right big toenail up 90° so it is now only connected at the cuticle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 242

You deserved it 228

Check these out

By doubleds - 03/06/2009 19:39 - Canada

Today, I was buying an expensive pillow for my mother from a store clerk who wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. After paying, I saw an elderly lady who had dropped a bag, so I walked to help. I walked back to the clerk, who refused to believe I paid. The reason? He didn't recognize my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 160

You deserved it 5 633

By dog got ur phone - 07/05/2017 02:00

Today, I was playing music from my phone, which was on the couch. I guess my dog got jealous, because she picked it up and ran over to the toilet, promptly dropping it right in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 933

You deserved it 715

By link - 26/05/2018 18:30 - United States - Edmond

Today, I got my final exam back. I got a 50/100. I didn't know it had a back side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 554

You deserved it 4 349

Dat ass

By brandonborgie - 10/08/2021 04:01 - Australia

Today, my boss slapped me on the ass and said, "Good work, princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 130

You deserved it 108

Gross

By gotanewmouse - 26/09/2011 10:37 - New Zealand

Today, I saw my co-worker sneeze into his palm, get up, walk to my desk and smear his hand all over my computer mouse. He then went back to his desk and continued with his work. Last week we had a workplace awareness meeting about my OCD and fear of germs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 914

You deserved it 6 779

Dealbreaker

By Nico - 26/05/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 139

You deserved it 250

Corporate hell

By Anonymous - 13/09/2019 04:01 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I found out I didn't get the promotion I applied for. Then I was told I was the only one who applied for the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 808

You deserved it 132

By NoFunForMe - 31/08/2015 16:27 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I saw my ex for the first time since we broke up. We were on a train next to each other for 6 hours, to a festival where our tents were pitched next to each other. We're here for 5 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 363

You deserved it 2 390

By ritz - 10/09/2009 14:15 - United States

Today, I was leaving my job at a huge mall. I couldn't find my car anywhere, so I panicked and flagged a security officer. I cried while he drove me around for miles in the endless parking lot. Then, suddenly, I remembered. My friend had dropped me off in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 508

You deserved it 55 970

By homeless - 26/03/2014 23:45 - United Kingdom - Winchester

Today, I found out that, after having moved over 500 miles to begin a post-graduate degree, I'm being kicked out of the house I'm renting. We haven't yet signed agreements. Apparently I "keep the kitchen too clean". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 376

You deserved it 3 627

By Anonymous - 07/10/2016 16:37 - Australia - Brisbane

Today my daughter asked me to do her a huge favor : undergo a liposuction transplantation where my fat would be sucked out then put into her butt and thighs. Apparently, I am the fattest DNA match to her, lessening the risk of her rejecting the transplant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 598

You deserved it 1 116

By brittrus - 08/05/2015 13:44 - Canada - Milton

Today, my dad drove me to the airport. As I got out of the car, he said, "You better pop that zit on your face, security might think it's a bomb". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 671

You deserved it 3 258

By jobless - 30/04/2012 13:28 - United States

Today, I fell asleep during a job interview as it was taking place over the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 680

You deserved it 30 163

Completely soaking

By wet and sad - 15/11/2019 03:00

Today, I was walking to work when it was starting to pour down sideways. I was pretty early anyway, so, I decided to duck into a bus shelter and let it pass. Suddenly, a big truck comes and drenched me with the biggest puddle. Soaking from head to toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 894

You deserved it 143

How I met your step-father

By ConfusedAsf - 26/07/2021 08:03

Today, my boyfriend, and father of my son, announced that he’s leaving me for my best friend. His reasoning is that he feels bad that she’s a single mom. When I pointed out that by him leaving me, I’ll also be a single mom, he responded with, "But at least she has her pre-pregnancy body back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 557

You deserved it 133

By bookworm - 08/06/2019 14:00

Today, I had a garage sale and sold some books I don't read anymore. A woman came up and yelled at me, saying I'd stolen one of the books from her house. I later found out that it was a distraction so that her boyfriend could steal my TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 267

You deserved it 139

Observational comedy

By JackOLantern2099 - 17/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I saw each other naked for the first time. She said my balls looked like little acorns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 427

You deserved it 335

False alarm

By sillyrabbit - 24/02/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it I saw a cute guy running towards me. I flashed a smile and left the door open and said, "Hey" when he was next to me. He said, "The pump is still attached to your car, you really should be more careful." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 380

You deserved it 46 503

By Anonymous - 07/04/2014 17:02 - Canada

Today, I noticed something written on the top of my toaster, so I used a finger to clear away some of the crumbs, burning my finger in the process. The writing? "CAUTION: Hot surface!" Thanks, toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 989

You deserved it 48 699

By Fire_Crotch - 14/08/2010 06:27 - Canada

Today, I turned the shower on the hottest setting so it would warm up quickly. I started to sing and dance around the bathroom. I got too carried away and pelvic thrusted the water, which I hadn't turned back down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 836

You deserved it 48 603

By Anonymous - 28/08/2019 12:00

Today, I was making one of those microwavable pizza kits. Realizing I had no crushed red pepper to put on it, my mom suggested using a chili pepper she had dried. Thinking it was a great idea, I cracked it open on my pizza and out popped some fuzzy white mold and two maggots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 592

You deserved it 226

By Anonymous - 02/11/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I was lost in a new town, so I asked a woman for directions. For some reason, she seemed to avoid me. About halfway down the block, she quickly turned around, and the next thing I remember is my eyes stinging like hell. Apparently she thought I was a mugger and maced me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 879

You deserved it 4 090

Card problem

By BureaucraticLimbo - 01/01/2020 14:00

Today, I was told I can't renew my Identity Card without a Social Security Card, and I can't get a replacement Social Security Card without an Identity Card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 335

You deserved it 500

By charliesangel123 - 21/02/2010 17:16 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was waiting downstairs at my boyfriend's house as he got ready to go. His mom came over and said she was so glad her son had met me, that I made him really happy. I smiled thinking how nice that was of her to say. She then continued, "Still, he tells me anal is a no?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 267

You deserved it 3 668

What have you done this time?

By rockefoe - 15/11/2010 20:49 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized the only times my boyfriend ever says, "I love you" are after he screws up or when he wants a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 540

You deserved it 6 706

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Top comments

tigerisabelle 31

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 7:43

You're just introducing them to the real world. a little early, perhaps, but hey. Give it 5 years and they'll all be cussing like sailors

lui_pg 21

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 7:39

That's a performance they won't forget

Comments

lui_pg 21

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 7:39

That's a performance they won't forget

KhaleesiDannie 26

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 7:40

Could have been worse I don't know how but it could have been worse

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 9:14

Yep. A giraffe could have run into the room closely followed by a hungry lion in pursuit of its delicious prey. The lion then could have abandoned the giraffe as the cheering second graders would look more delicious and much easier to kill. To save them, OP would then start banging hard on the drums and pianos, thereby opening a portal to a new universe. Then everybody gets sucked in and lost forever in an alternate universe. It could definitely be worse.

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 10:28

You get a thumbs up for the efforts you took

interesting33 36

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 22:53

I was at a Christian camp once and the guy was doing various funny walks and started doing a Nazi Goosestep without realising what it was in front of hundreds of 14 year olds. He had to apologise later. it was fine.

TeasinDaNoobs 16

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 7:41

They might not even know what it means

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 13:20

Which definitely means they won't ever try to repeat it, because second graders are rational thinkers, who only use words they understand.

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Monday 25 April 2016 20:44

I smell a bit of sarcasm there...

tigerisabelle 31

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 7:43

You're just introducing them to the real world. a little early, perhaps, but hey. Give it 5 years and they'll all be cussing like sailors

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 12:37

I never saw the big deal behind swearing anyways, in most cases it's just a way of expressing what you're feeling; in OP's case: pain. My parents taught me swear words at a young age, but also taught me how inappropriate it can be and when not to use it. I'm one of those who think that educating is more effective than just sheltering. Granted, when they are at an age where they can understand it. I wouldn't sweat it OP. Plus, it's not like you meant it.

zaidthunder1 27

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 17:04

I wouldn't be surprised if they were already cussing like sailors. Kids these days are not like those of the millennial generation. They've become spoiled brats, with exceptions of course.

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Wednesday 20 April 2016 22:10

well, the kids that rode my bus back in high school (k-12 school so shared a bus) were cussing like sailors and they were only in 3rd grade. I will assure you we older students weren't the cause as we refrained from those things. it was kinda pathetic how they were raised that way

awildwhisper 30

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 7:50

If you apologize to the teachers I'm sure they won't be to upset. Maybe don't ask them to be a reference though hahaha!

kstephens2326 15

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 7:51

oh wow....that sucks! hope you didn't yell it out too loud

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 7:54

If it's anything like here, they've been swearing for years already anyways.

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 7:55

Play it off, quite literary.

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 9:55

eh, they probably heard that already. and worse.

sunflower_seal 17

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Tuesday 19 April 2016 10:38

Well I'm sure your playing was great, though it may have been over shadowed by the profanity. It was a mistake , it happened now it's a good story. Life goes on.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 131

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 232

You deserved it 298