Work: Today, I overheard a coworker talking about going to what sounded... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 214

You deserved it 55

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 1 020

12/04/2016 15:44

Today, I overheard a coworker talking about going to what sounded like a dentist's appointment. As she left later, I jokingly said "Remember to open wide!" Turned out her appointment was with her OB/GYN, not a dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 301

You deserved it 7 694

Triage

Empathy lives

Dominion

27/02/2009 17:43

Today, I hit a car while trying to answer a phone call from my mom. I quickly answered the phone and shouted "What!?". To which she replied, "I just had a bad feeling in my gut about you so I wanted to make sure you were ok." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 786

You deserved it 16 854

Smart kid

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 21:59

Today, I'm at the ER because my 13-year-old nephew ate an aromatic candle that smelled like chocolate. He saw it on my dresser and actually though it was chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 822

You deserved it 92

21/11/2016 21:44

Today I visited my boyfriend's house for Thanksgiving. The fast food from the drive made me really need to poop, so I did my business and flipped on the air vent. Turns out the vent sparked a hot spot in the attic and caused a fire. I literally set my boyfriend's house on fire with my shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 318

You deserved it 995

29/01/2012 19:10

Today, my girlfriend started a month-long period of not talking to me. One of her male friends, who is a self-styled astrologist, told her there are "bad omens" in our relationship for the coming weeks. I don't know if I should dump her for being gullible or just plain stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 342

You deserved it 3 745

31/03/2009 00:06

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. All of a sudden he jumped off of me, going "shit, shit!". Worried, i asked him what was wrong. He shouted "I forgot to set my TiVO!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 115 142

You deserved it 8 688

28/11/2008 08:50

Spicy

Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 395

You deserved it 11 210

17/09/2009 04:42

Spicy

Today, I tried to wake my husband up in the middle of the night by kissing him deeply and massaging his neck and shoulders. He opens his eyes, looks at me, says "No", and goes back to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 234

You deserved it 15 028

16/10/2015 13:31

Today, I walked into the restroom at work to see my boss standing at the urinal, pissing like a toddler. He had his pants around his ankles, ass fully exposed. Now I'm never going to be able to take anything he says seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 253

You deserved it 1 801

08/09/2012 14:20

Spicy

Today, I told my husband that I'm tired of feeling like his "blow-up doll". His response was to honk my boob and make squeaking noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 221

You deserved it 5 677

Estoy Poopin

By Anonymous - 08/05/2018 07:00

Today, I cracked my back while pooping at work. It was so bad I had to go to the hospital and get carried out of the toilet by paramedics. A $4,000 bill later, my coworkers will not shut up about how funny it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 055

You deserved it 512

11/09/2013 14:16

Today, I noticed that my car's passenger-side door has cobwebs all over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 521

You deserved it 7 099

21/11/2018 17:30

Today, I jokingly told my mother to "go fall down a hole" during a mock argument we always have. Not even 10 minutes later, our basement stairs gave out. When I said that, I didn't want her to break both her arms or to actually fall into a gaping hole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 752

You deserved it 435

Sounds lovely

By theotherotherguy - 27/09/2012 05:22

Today, I started a job on a building site. Halfway through, I needed to use the toilet. One of the builders said there were two of them; one was "OK" and the other was "nasty." The first one I walked into had the foulest stench imaginable. Apparently, that was the "OK" one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 801

You deserved it 1 844

Get with the times

By Anonymous - 16/09/2021 14:00

Today, I went to mediation with 5 managers and a coworker I do not get along with. Everyone in the room was at least 20 years younger than me, and the entire meeting was them telling me to drag myself into the present century and basically do whatever the younger, "smarter" people say, or else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 848

You deserved it 315

07/04/2019 00:00

Today, I’ve been suffering with a fever of 104° as well as an ear and sinus infection. I asked my mom and sister if they could get me meds and fluids from the store. I sent them money through my bank app for the supplies. They took my money and went to lunch instead. I’m still sick as a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 681

You deserved it 162

Spooky

By Anonymous - 12/08/2021 22:00

Today, my boyfriend had a nightmare, talking in his sleep about not hurting himself anymore or "auntie Nat Nat" will put him "back in the home with the mean doctors and the sicky medicine." WHAT THE FUCK? FML

I agree, your life sucks 756

You deserved it 86

28/03/2015 20:42

Today, I found out that the creepy weirdo who's been sending me messages for a while is just my dad. His excuse was, "I wanted you to feel like someone would actually like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 401

You deserved it 2 372

29/03/2016 22:50

Today, while riding my bike in the rain to a counselling appointment about my depression, my shoelace came untied and got caught around my pedal, causing me to go flying off my bike directly in a huge muddy puddle right in front of a busy street of people. No one offered to help me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 043

You deserved it 1 679

30/08/2019 12:00

Today, after almost a year of dating and getting dumped out of the blue, I found out my ex-girlfriend wants to get a restraining order against me. I guess dropping a box of her things on her porch after she wouldn't answer her phone is considered stalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 562

You deserved it 152

17/06/2015 05:54

Today, in a train, I did the old "I've got your nose" trick for a kid. He got off at the next stop, then waved something at me from the platform, then yelled, "I've got your keys!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 411

You deserved it 7 002

04/12/2011 07:35

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was disgusted because I dropped a Skittle on the floor and ate it. He thought peeing on me in the shower was just fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 104

You deserved it 6 314

23/09/2011 22:24

Today, after five long years of having been together, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to take our relationship to the "next level". We now have a Sims relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 672

You deserved it 4 955

14/12/2009 21:21

Today, I was at my 10 year high school reunion. I saw the girl I used to have a BIG crush on, so I decided to go over and say hi. She screams when she sees me. Then, she starts hitting me, looking panicked. I control her and ask why she's hitting me. She says 'Everyone thought you were dead!' FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 371

You deserved it 2 760

Nice try

By forgottenbday - 11/07/2012 05:09

Today, my boyfriend treated me to a surprise romantic dinner, got me a huge balloon bouquet, a dozen roses, and a beautiful card for my birthday. Too bad it's his ex's birthday and not mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 501

You deserved it 2 742

26/11/2015 20:24

Today, my dad went to a hardware store to replace the broken shower head in my bathroom. He got the cheapest shower head he could find, and so when I took a shower, the shower head burst out and hit me square in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 349

You deserved it 2 117

13/09/2013 21:40

Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old daughter holding a lit lighter to the underside of a spoon, which was full of baking powder. She was trying to breathe in the fumes to get high, and later confessed that she thought it's how heroin is made and used. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 507

You deserved it 6 053

23/05/2013 10:52

Today, in preparation for a third interview for my dream job, I spent an hour selecting the perfect outfit. I hung everything on my bedroom door and went to shower. My dog decided to play tug-of-war with the clothing and redesign the shoes. The only thing to survive unscathed was the hanger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 195

You deserved it 7 350

09/11/2009 07:55

Today, I was together with a few of my friends when I got up the courage to confess I have an eating disorder. One of my friends then said "... but you're not skinny." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 715

You deserved it 6 638

06/11/2015 17:29

Today, I was studying on a bench outside my dorm when the leg snapped. I decided to do the right thing and let administration know what happened. After assuring me it wasn't my fault, and having me fill out an incident report, they billed me $400. I can't enroll for next semester until I pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 348

You deserved it 2 416

10/08/2018 18:30

Today, I finally had sex with my live-in boyfriend after a long dry spell. It was passionate and great, until I hurt my back changing positions. Now he refuses to touch me, going as far as sleeping on the couch to give me "enough space". Hello new dry spell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 174

You deserved it 372

Run, run now

By Anonymous - 30/09/2021 23:00

Today, my husband controls every part of my life and has done so for the last 10 years and I'm too much of a pussy to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 872

You deserved it 381

15/01/2015 15:12

Today, like every other day at work, I had to listen to people talk about being addicted to sex. I have to treat people for addiction to something I've never even had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 266

You deserved it 5 310

OK then…

By Anonymous - 29/12/2009 05:02

Spicy

Today, I was making out with this guy I had been seeing, and things start to get pretty steamy. As he paused for a second, I thought he was going to get up and find a condom, but instead he turns to me and says, "I think I'm going to go to the library." I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 144

You deserved it 3 512

31/03/2015 23:32

Today, a really drunk couple staggered into the store I work at. One of them yelled at me, "Hey you! Kid! Tell us where the booze is at!" This would have been funny if these people weren't my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 767

You deserved it 2 713

Superspreader event

By Anonymous - 03/08/2021 05:59

Today, my son had a fever and bad cough all night. Turns out he has RSV. My friend's baby, whose birthday party we went to a few days ago, also has RSV, and had been sick all week. She knew this and still went through with the party, without informing any of us parents. Now my baby is on breathing treatments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 154

You deserved it 72

27/08/2017 23:15

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house to surprise him and caught him with another girl. As my boyfriend got up to explain himself, I, in a state of shock, violently threw up on him (and partially her). His mum had let me in the house. At least I know whose side she's on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 760

You deserved it 298

16/01/2015 18:05

Today, I had to repeatedly explain to an increasingly angry lady that no, she couldn't get an ultrasound by using a referral letter from her psychic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 647

You deserved it 3 101

Classic story

By Anonymous - 01/10/2020 05:01

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend of six years, with whom I wanted to spend my life with, has been cheating behind my back with my friend. The kicker? They met after I invited her to live with us to get away from her chaotic family, and I suspected she was emotionally stunted at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 191

You deserved it 177

05/05/2009 00:46

Today, I saw my neighbor's son mowing their lawn when suddenly he started to do this crazy dance. Chuckling at his antics I waved and walked back into my house. His mom called me from a hospital later to ask if I could put the mower away; he had been attacked by bees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 481

You deserved it 47 284

17/08/2019 00:01

Spicy

Today, after my boyfriend told me I didn’t have to worry about the ex who kept commenting on his pictures, I saw him sexting her when I leaned forward to tell him something from the back of our friend's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 295

You deserved it 191

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:43

Did you really need to say anything?

False_Stupidity 41

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:48

Hey, the advice still applies! ...although a little awkward.

Comments

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:41

Wow

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:43

Did you really need to say anything?

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:44

whoops! sorry Op but this is hilarious! XD

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:44

Well you're not wrong

False_Stupidity 41

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:48

Hey, the advice still applies! ...although a little awkward.

mazor 22

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 8:31

Yeah same thing, just different hole.

cedarpoint4ever 7

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 2:56

I about spat my drink clear across the room. That was hilarious

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 3:01

Nothing would've been funnier than a joke based on a conversation you weren't technically part of. Now instead of, "Wait, how do they know where I'm going?" your coworker's internal monologue sounded more like, "Freak. Wait, how do they know where I'm going?"

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 3:05

What's your gender OP? That info can change a lot about the FML.

deathrise007 22

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 3:18

Not exactly. It would be awkward either way...

militarybrat 21

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 5:06

10 because if its a woman it would be considered a camaraderie joke whereas if it was a man, it would be seen as crude, possibly even sexual harassment. I got where you were going with it.

the_real_dvd 21

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 8:07

15 is right. I don't understand why the downvotes. This could go from something slightly awkward to a horrifying case of sexual harassment or getting fired if it's a man. Definitely a different type of FML.

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 3:08

That is hilarious and amazing.

swaglesshipster 23

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Wednesday 13 April 2016 3:34

At least you were supportive... In an odd way I suppose!