Intimacy: Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too... - FML

By Anonymous - 25/04/2015 17:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I orgasmed in front of someone for the first time. Too bad it was my dad who didn't knock before coming in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 434

You deserved it 6 576

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Good kid

Gimme dah maaahney

Cats > People

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Craftsbury

Today, while working, I thought, "I wish my kittens could text so I could talk to them throughout the day." Then I realized, I'm that cat lady you read about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 679

You deserved it 13 913

By empress gleskizor the third of glarkon - 18/04/2016 18:12 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I was eating an onion bagel and bit down on something hard. At first I thought was a really hard piece of onion. The "onion" turned out to be a tooth, and it wasn't one of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 483

You deserved it 1 299

By porn daddy - 21/06/2017 00:00

Spicy

Today, my drunk dad went off on a tangent about his porn watching habits to the whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 960

You deserved it 431

Dude walked into a porno…

By Anonymous - 08/08/2021 17:59

Spicy

Today, I got home from a business trip and found my wife in bed with my sister. She tried to claim they had just had a girls' night and fell asleep watching a movie, even though when I caught them, they were naked, wet and my wife’s head was buried in my sister's crotch. Movie night, sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 490

You deserved it 115

By screwed - 22/12/2010 17:56 - Canada

Today, I accidentally walked in on my roommate while she was changing clothes. She insisted on telling her boyfriend what had happened, because, "It wouldn't feel right" if she didn't. Her boyfriend is a MMA fighter/bodybuilder and has major jealousy issues. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 216

You deserved it 4 252

By cj1012 - 08/07/2012 03:16 - United States

Today, a homeless man started to wet himself in the recliner at the coffee shop where I work. He then walked all the way to the bathroom, only to finish urinating in a puddle right in front of the bathroom door. Guess who cleaned it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 341

You deserved it 1 856

Our internet works fine, dumbass

By jenni - 19/09/2021 08:00

Today, I found out my son has been ditching his Zoom classes. He claims he couldn’t connect because of "technical difficulties." I can’t believe he seriously expected me to believe that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 110

And I Oop

By Anonymous - 15/01/2021 23:01

Today, my mom was screaming and throwing things at me and I didn’t know why. Then I checked the date. Her birthday was yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 356

You deserved it 1 189

By Wheresthebeefz - 01/02/2011 02:46 - United States

Today, I tried to save a dying bird I found on the sidewalk. I got a parking ticket for $114 in front of the animal hospital. I later found out the bird died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 882

You deserved it 7 882

Waiting for Godot

By Dumbass - 12/03/2020 05:00 - Netherlands

Today, I'm still waiting for my ex, who yesterday afternoon told me that he'd be here within the hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 201

You deserved it 432

Out and about

By Anonymous - 16/09/2019 14:00

Today, my grandfather found my diary laying in the living room, and for some reason thought it was an interesting reading material. Oh well, he found out that I'm a lesbian, then panicked and basically outed me to my entire family. I really hope they have reservations in Hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 644

You deserved it 638

By awkwardpineapples - 08/01/2015 03:13 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I found my sister licking all of the silverware and putting it back in the drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 794

You deserved it 2 612

By Busted - 16/03/2010 18:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend since I believed him to be cheating on me with another woman, something he adamantly denied. I went to his house to get all my stuff back. After I left, I discovered a silk thong that definitely did not belong to me, in amongst my clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 398

You deserved it 4 646

By Brian - 20/11/2012 15:50 - United States - Sandston

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house having dinner with her and her parents. I was casually playing footsie with my girlfriend under the table, until her mom stopped eating and said, "You know that's my foot, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 284

You deserved it 33 219

By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 15:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting at a traffic light when a cute girl appeared at the side of the road. I sat and watched her until she had crossed, when I realised that I had missed the light. A large queue of cars had built up behind me, yet none of them used their horn because I was driving my police car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 575

You deserved it 54 075

By iPhonekid - 27/05/2012 07:19 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I texted my friend and asked her what her sad status on Facebook was about. She texted me back saying her step-mother had passed away. I tried to reply with "awwh" but my phone autocorrected it to "ahaha." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 395

You deserved it 7 835

By Anonymous - 10/06/2019 02:30

Today, after 2 years of paying off the insurance fees after an accident, I got rear-ended. It was the same driver who crashed into me the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 393

You deserved it 122

By girlw/ablog - 02/07/2019 11:00 - United States - Austin

Today, while on a bus, an elderly lady sat next to me sneezed so hard, snot literally went flying. I even offered her a napkin, that she refused. After a brief panic and realizing she had nothing to clean her mess with, she "inconspicuously" wiped her snotty hand on my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 848

You deserved it 119

By nowimbroketoo - 22/07/2013 17:47 - Australia - Beaumaris

Today, the guy whose son I babysat for six hours straight confessed to being broke, then actually asked if he could pay me with sex instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 158

You deserved it 4 338

Skincare

By Anonymous - 08/09/2021 05:00 - Germany - Dresden

Today, I have a new scar on my chin, which is still very sensitive to pressure. So, naturally, my body considers this the perfect spot for growing what feels like the world’s biggest pimple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 809

You deserved it 72

Respect should be earned

By sarah - 06/06/2020 20:00

Today, while out in public, my stepmom turned and screamed at me for a good while for “walking through a door before an elder.” People stared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 391

You deserved it 204

By Anonymous - 10/06/2018 15:00

Today, I ended up in the hospital due to a severe acid reflux attack. I knew I had acid reflux for years, but was never allowed to get it checked out. Why? My dad told me I was too young to have it and that I was making it up. I now have to see a specialist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 074

You deserved it 259

By anonymous - 16/11/2009 06:00 - Japan

Today, after months of trying to potty train my son, he finally told me he used the potty. I went to the bathroom to check. There was nothing there. So I asked him "Where did you go to the potty?". He then grabbed my hand and took me to the cat's litter box. My son has successfully litter trained himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 174

You deserved it 4 051

Just a prank, bro

By iscreamforicecream - 01/06/2011 11:53 - United States

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 374

You deserved it 5 729

By Damm - 24/01/2009 19:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, I have an autoimmune disease which causes my penis to look like a tie-dye t shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 239

You deserved it 2 741

By Anonymous - 01/05/2015 15:25

Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 395

You deserved it 2 385

By Anonymous - 29/01/2012 19:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend started a month-long period of not talking to me. One of her male friends, who is a self-styled astrologist, told her there are "bad omens" in our relationship for the coming weeks. I don't know if I should dump her for being gullible or just plain stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 346

You deserved it 3 745

By mylifesuckssss - 09/10/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I received a 7 page text message during school from my mom yelling at me because I ate her cereal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 878

You deserved it 5 915

By marriedbutlonely - 15/02/2016 02:36 - United States - Federal Way

Today, after having my husband ask if I 'had any plans' for the weekend, and him mentioning that he got me something special, he played his PS4 for hours, ignored me, then finally took a break to hand me a tiny box of chocolates. I can't even be mad because he looked so proud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 933

You deserved it 3 122

By j_babydoll6520 - 26/08/2011 11:09 - Australia

Today, I got a text message from a number I don't know saying "I'm sorry, but I'm cheating on you, I couldn't do this in person because you're ugly when you cry." I haven't had a relationship in 6 years and I still manage to get dumped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 595

You deserved it 3 133

By stupidoldcar - 16/11/2009 02:59 - United States

Today, I finished installing a brand new engine in my old car. It cost just over $6000. Later, I was waiting at a red light and an uninsured drunk driver smashed into it head on. It's completely totaled. I got to drive it 5 miles. The car is worth $1000, even with a new engine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 173

You deserved it 4 382

By wellthisisawkward80 - 06/11/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I was attending my bachelor party. I watched a very attractive young girl dancing on a pole, giving me a seductive look. As she walked up to me, I realized it was my soon-to-be wife's younger sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 555

You deserved it 17 916

Sleepless in Saskatoon

By inolongeriismmm - 04/11/2021 12:59 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I was let go from a position that I spent 11 years pouring my heart into. I was fired for ranting in an group chat, after getting 37 minutes of sleep in two days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 822

You deserved it 414

By Madi - 30/11/2011 17:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend discovered that I fart when I'm tickled enough. The best part was when he decided to show his family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 627

You deserved it 3 590

By too slow - 18/01/2012 05:09 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend we should start seeing other people. She said "Don't worry, I'm already way ahead of you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 132

You deserved it 9 726

By hala - 16/03/2009 02:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 434

You deserved it 18 284

By Anonymous - 08/12/2016 09:35

Today, it's been so long since my fiancé and I have had sex I now apparently have dreams about all-night unprotected screwing marathons with George Bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 195

You deserved it 1 412

By Anonymous - 09/08/2018 20:30

Today, I couldn't sleep. I had to pee really badly but I'm terrified of the dark, so I closed my eyes all the way to the bathroom. On the way, I tripped over my dog and fell face-first into the door frame. He then humped me as my nose bled all over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 647

You deserved it 3 219

By mylifesucks - 10/07/2013 20:10 - United States - Ellijay

Today, I was walking down the street and saw a man trip over a sign. He then grabbed his cane, started screaming, and began beating the sign. Apparently that didn't release his anger, so he began to beat the nearest car. I thought it was hilarious, until I noticed it was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 130

You deserved it 10 224

By Disappointed - 31/10/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, at school I pulled my bicep muscle arm wrestling. I lost. He was 14. I'm the 23 year old security guard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 410

You deserved it 9 781

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Top comments

KK3137 31

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Sunday 26 April 2015 12:47

So I guess you both came in the wrong place at the wrong time..

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Sunday 26 April 2015 12:45

I'm sorry that you have to avoid your dad for the rest of your life now..

Comments

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Sunday 26 April 2015 12:45

I'm sorry that you have to avoid your dad for the rest of your life now..

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Thursday 30 April 2015 8:27

Forget this awkward moment of family bonding--the Real FML is that OP has never orgasmed with a partner before. Our hearts go out to you, OP.

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Sunday 26 April 2015 12:45

Ugh... Someone needs to invest in a lock.

Cads1 24

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Sunday 26 April 2015 12:45

Next time, lock the door.

SS 31

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Sunday 26 April 2015 13:06

Not everyone has a lock on their door.

Cads1 24

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Sunday 26 April 2015 13:09

Well in that case, expect that someone may walk in when you are going to town on yourself.

gintwinsmoore 20

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Sunday 26 April 2015 21:56

This could be why there are no locks on the door if she doesn't have locks...dad wants to monitor who comes in and out of her room and rightfully so!

mejustbeingme 4

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Monday 27 April 2015 0:28

First, OP doesn't state their gender. Second, how about the father respect their kid and fucking knock instead of everybody telling OP to get a lock.

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Monday 27 April 2015 2:39

It's called a 'Door Stop'*drop mic*

Cads1 24

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Monday 27 April 2015 3:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Monday 27 April 2015 3:55

How can you lock the door if doors aren't real? - Jaden Smith

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Monday 27 April 2015 4:43

Not everyone has a lock on their door. A good place is the bathroom as you can lock the bathroom door in most houses.

lexos 16

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Monday 27 April 2015 11:02

#72 for reasons like this. Or maybe someone just got out of the shower and is standing naked in his/her room ready to put some clothes on.

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Monday 27 April 2015 18:14

Maybe because it's a respectful thing to do?

MissKangaroo 23

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Sunday 26 April 2015 12:46

Hope you put on a good show at least

KK3137 31

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Sunday 26 April 2015 12:47

So I guess you both came in the wrong place at the wrong time..

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Sunday 26 April 2015 17:17

Oh the irony.

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Sunday 26 April 2015 19:07

Ur profile pic is awesome!! Do those store cream and sugar?

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Monday 27 April 2015 2:19

Well, depends on which place OP was at.

feven 32

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Sunday 26 April 2015 12:53

Wow that's incredibly mortifying.

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Sunday 26 April 2015 13:01

"Uh... Hi, Dad... No, it was a seizure. I promise! Coffee, anyone?"

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Monday 27 April 2015 3:54

It's ectoplasm!

SS 31

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Sunday 26 April 2015 13:08

Need some clarification. Is OP male or female?

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Sunday 26 April 2015 14:55

I feel like that wouldn't matter... parents should at play knock first... wtf

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Thursday 30 April 2015 8:20

#32, doesn't say anywhere that OP is female. Either way, doesn't matter, it's still embarrassing.

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Sunday 26 April 2015 13:12

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 26 April 2015 13:39

Lol, you can't forget something like that. I'm assuming they will eventually talk about it as a joke.

dDailydDosage 8

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Sunday 26 April 2015 16:26

Or just never speak of it again. Just act like it never happened. Nothing wrong with that.

shemademedoit 20

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Monday 27 April 2015 8:02

yeah but a picture is worth a thousand words. don't need to talk about it to not see each other the same anymore

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Sunday 26 April 2015 13:15

That sucks, it will be really awkward to see your dad for awhile now. I reccomend masterbation in the bathroom or some place with a lock. Also lock your door unless it doesn't have one.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 9

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 654

You deserved it 149

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 736

You deserved it 91