Miscellaneous: Today, I opened up an English textbook to find someone else's...

By Marcipaud - 05/05/2016 17:51 - United States - Detroit

Today, I opened up an English textbook to find someone else's dirty fingernails between the pages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 552

You deserved it 977

Miscellaneous

Our house, in the middle of our street

Walk the line

Compromises

By anonymous - 21/11/2012 18:16 - United States - Tucson

Today, I have a final for my precalculus class. After hours of studying this week, I felt pretty optimistic. Until I got to class and realized that I'd forgotten my calculator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 197

You deserved it 7 632

By SpiderFather - 02/07/2013 08:01 - France

Today, my seven-year-old son put a spider in the microwave. Animal cruelty? No. The goal was to irradiate it, then get it to bite him so that he would become Spider-Man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 980

You deserved it 5 848

Smash the patriarchy

By caveman logic - 12/08/2021 06:01

Today, I overheard my niece telling my daughter that a woman’s only real purpose in life is to find a good man and make sure he’s happy. This includes having his babies, cooking his meals, and submitting to him in any way he asks. My sister is a business owner. I have no idea where she got this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 978

You deserved it 119

By Anonymous - 16/05/2015 01:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I caught my ex trying to slash my car tires with a knife. She actually had the balls to claim she was testing my tire pressure, before power-walking off into the distance like nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 957

You deserved it 2 727

By LOLOLOLOL - 20/08/2012 08:55 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I watched as some idiot made a bad U-turn and I laughed. I then turned into another car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 393

You deserved it 37 634

By eminem blows cock - 15/06/2012 16:41 - Ireland - Kilflynn

Today, after having stayed up all night studying, all the coffee I'd drank to keep me awake hit my gut with a vengeance. I ended up missing two exams because I was emptying my bowels into the toilet all morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 216

You deserved it 9 721

By Crombinator - 01/05/2015 05:30 - United States - Estacada

Today, my roommate was making a waterproof iPhone case and decided to use my phone to test it out. It didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 334

You deserved it 4 022

By baron - 01/06/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 131 445

You deserved it 7 546

Amplified

By Anonymous - 01/09/2010 23:04 - United States

Today, I was at the grocery store with my five year old son when I had to go to the bathroom. After doing my business and we started walking out of the bathroom, my son loudly announced to the whole store, "Mommy has diarrhea!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 469

You deserved it 4 346

By Anonymous - 21/08/2019 02:00 - Brazil

Today, I was riding my bike down a hill and noticed a pretty girl sitting at the bus stop. I guess I was staring pretty hard, because the next thing I knew, I was swerving off the road and smashing into a tree. She laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 649

You deserved it 2 048

Lost

By Anonymous - 14/05/2012 14:22 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a friend who I hadn't seen in a while offered to give me a ride. I didn't really know how to give directions to my house, so when we had been driving for a while and it was getting awkward, I just pointed at a random house and pretended to live there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 641

You deserved it 39 299

By Sean - 09/10/2010 20:54 - United States

Today, I got a zero on my math test. My teacher was convinced that I had written the answers on my arm. No answers, just really thick, black arm hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 448

You deserved it 3 318

Too much meat on my hands

By Anonymous - 21/02/2021 07:58

Today, despite being utterly depressed, I thawed 7 kilos of raw meat, in order to put it through the meat grinder. Not only did my mom forget to clean certain parts of the meat grinder after last using it, she also seems to have lost another part, without which the machine doesn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 800

You deserved it 99

By JoeyDizz - 06/05/2009 03:41 - United States

Today, while masturbating at the computer, I was interrupted by a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. As I turned to face it, I realized I forgot to close the blinds. Standing at the window in the appartment across the street were two girls, one had a camera and was snapping a second shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 262

You deserved it 66 551

By bosslady12 - 21/12/2011 18:10 - United States

Today, I realized I need a new job when I had to take anti-anxiety medication before meeting with my boss. Last time we met, I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 077

You deserved it 3 296

By well okay then - 20/05/2013 16:02 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was going on a blind date with a girl. She walked up to the table, said "Nah, no thanks" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 221

You deserved it 4 658

By dawg - 15/12/2014 03:50 - United States - Stuart

Today, I found out that the "IRS scam" that I ignored last week was actually not a scam, and now I have a warrant out for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 643

You deserved it 7 023

By I fathered a pussy. - 14/06/2013 22:12 - United States - Lakeland

Today, my son visited for the first time in three years, asking to stay a while. It turns out he insulted someone online and gave his address in case they wanted to fight him. They accepted the offer, and so my son's imaginary Muay Thai skills went AWOL, along with his testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 929

You deserved it 4 914

By Anonymous - 21/08/2012 16:45 - United States - Lititz

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call about one of my applications. I wasn't able to answer it, but he left a voicemail. I've listened to it over and over, and I can't understand the contact information. He called from a restricted number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 627

You deserved it 1 924

By Anonymous - 18/08/2009 05:06 - Kazakhstan

Today, I received a text from my girlfriend to break up with me. I was upset. One minute later another text from her said "sorry, wrong person." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 024

You deserved it 3 671

By ShampooThief - 12/04/2015 03:05 - United States

Today, my family checked into a hotel for spring break. The first thing my brother did was steal all the bars of soap and bottles of shampoo. He's now guarding them, and hissing at anyone that tries to take them. I just want to take a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 608

You deserved it 3 002

By Anonymous - 25/04/2015 03:23 - United States

Today, my little sister filled the huge house I spent over a week building in Minecraft with TNT. She then demanded I give her all the money in my wallet, or she'd blow it all up. She's now $86.25 richer, and my parents think it's too hilarious to make her give me my money back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 388

You deserved it 26 619

By sideeffect001 - 02/02/2016 18:48 - United States - Logan

Today, I found out that my tax filing status was never changed after my divorce. This means I haven't been paying enough and now the government wants its money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 450

You deserved it 4 266

By Anonymous - 02/08/2016 14:42 - Germany - Berlin

Today, I excitedly told my brother I submitted a short story for a competition for the first time ever. His reply? "Congrats. I guess the first letter of rejection is a special occasion." Gee, thanks for that reality check. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 363

You deserved it 1 213

By Skyler - 24/04/2013 19:14 - United States

Today, my school took part in a standardized state test. After finishing, I decided to take a nap, only to be awoken by the test monitor, who wanted me to leave. Apparently, I was ferociously farting in my sleep and was disturbing the people still taking the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 191

You deserved it 14 288

By Anonymous - 02/09/2014 21:29 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I found out that my girlfriend takes videos of me sleeping and watches them with her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 813

You deserved it 3 544

By Anonymous - 22/05/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, I kissed my husband and said "I love you." Thats when our 5 year old son said to my husband "How can you love her so much if she's so ugly?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 585

You deserved it 4 166

By toothache - 10/03/2009 01:03 - United States

Today, I had my wisdom teeth pulled. There was a cyst behind one of them, and the dentist decided to extract it - except the Novocaine didn't reach that far back. I raised my hand like they said to do, and the dentist looked at me writing in pain and said, "No, you're fine." FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 124

You deserved it 3 289

Ma'm, we closed 10 minutes ago

By Samantha - 19/11/2020 13:08 - United States - Kingsport

Today, I had a woman throw a clipboard and yell at me to then storm off, still yelling in the mall where I work, all because I'd told her it was too late to do a piercing tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 802

You deserved it 68

By CityGirl - 17/07/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, I went to TGI Friday's with my crush. At the end of our meal, the waitress gave us mints with the bill. He said something that made me laugh, and I began choking on my mint. After a few coughs, I finally managed to get it out. It hit him in the forehead and landed in his drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 482

You deserved it 5 400

By Crystal - 08/03/2010 21:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I showed my fiancé the darling Tinkerbell hoodie I'd bought myself during the weekend. Instead of liking it as I'd hoped, he told me my childish wardrobe was embarrassing, and he wasn't going to be seen in public with me until I wore something different. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 894

You deserved it 51 834

By Anonymous - 17/10/2012 02:48 - United States

Today, I got married. I received a beautifully wrapped gift from my dad. I was full of excitement until I opened it and found two taxidermied rabbits. The ones I had when I was in the fifth grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 921

You deserved it 1 991

Gene Simmons approves this FML

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was messing around with my boyfriend, trying to get him to tell me he loved me more than KISS, his favorite band. He couldn't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 420

You deserved it 12 166

By ow - 17/01/2010 05:25 - United States

Today, I learned that when you put duct tape over your mouth because you are bored, it really hurts taking it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 232

You deserved it 69 662

Go back to bed, Brad

By Anonymous - 29/04/2020 23:00

Today, I noticed that when my boyfriend is sick, his sex drive goes through the roof. Too bad his stamina plummets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 597

You deserved it 174

By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 03:02 - United States - El Cajon

Today, before leaving my house, I OCD-checked all of my doors 16 times to make sure that they were locked. When I got home, my house had been broken into. Turns out I accidentally unlocked my front door when trying to lock it for the last time. This is why I have OCD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 844

You deserved it 10 558

By brother love - 13/08/2010 05:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the guy I like was only coming to my house to get closer to my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 671

You deserved it 3 914

By Anonymous - 21/12/2011 06:18 - Canada

Today, I was wanking and started thinking about why the Simpsons are yellow, and how that came to be. I haven't been laid in 4 years and my ADD is so crippling that I can't jack off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 027

You deserved it 6 298

Awkward

By Lio - 12/11/2008 05:25 - France

Today, thinking I was being very generous, I lent my jacket to a new co-worker. I guess I should have checked my pockets before I did, I’m not sure that leaving 3 different flavors of condoms in them made a good impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 056

You deserved it 41 760

By Anonymous - 02/01/2012 20:55 - United States

Today, while I was in the break room at work, one of my coworkers walked in on me playing with my animal crackers, complete with animal noises. Now, the entire department won't stop teasing me and calling me Tarzan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 673

You deserved it 36 712

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Top comments

may14th 26

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Friday 6 May 2016 10:09

I'm hoping it's just clippings and not their entire finger nails. Because that would be a whole other issue.

CogadhTallon 16

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Friday 6 May 2016 10:17

Sounds like a nail-biting book.

may14th 26

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Friday 6 May 2016 10:09

I'm hoping it's just clippings and not their entire finger nails. Because that would be a whole other issue.

AlwaysWatching 27

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Friday 6 May 2016 22:55

I only clicked on the comments to see how long it took for someone to say that

Earths_Venus 25

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Friday 6 May 2016 10:14

Comment #1 nailed it.

CogadhTallon 16

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Friday 6 May 2016 10:17

Sounds like a nail-biting book.

chitochito 17

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Friday 6 May 2016 12:48

Well, that's Michigan for ya.

Benmantha 31

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Friday 6 May 2016 13:55

I guess the previous owner nailed it.

False_Stupidity 41

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Friday 6 May 2016 14:14

Call it clip art... Or not.

Saikon1357 25

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Friday 6 May 2016 18:20

Ah yes, public education

anyagrande 31

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Friday 6 May 2016 23:14

I always pray that things like this don't happen to me at school

vandj8 9

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Saturday 7 May 2016 6:41

be happy it wasn't a dried up booger - I've found my share in library books.

GreyGirl 15

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Saturday 7 May 2016 18:29

Someone drew a giant penis on m geometry book

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 2

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 245

You deserved it 666

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 629

You deserved it 800

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