Miscellaneous: Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only... - FML

By Gagging - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only describe as the stink of death. After moving furniture and lifting floorboards, frantically searching for whatever had died, I finally discovered the actual source of the stench - my girlfriend's feet. FML

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Commando

Our house, in the middle of our street

Clocked

By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dad wanted to show me a cool camera he saw on Amazon yesterday, so I let him use my laptop to find it. I realized too late that I'd forgotten to clear my browsing history. The suggested purchases section was filled with dildos and lube. He definitely noticed. FML

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By Lily - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said he needed to be with someone smart so that he could impress his parents. I just got accepted into medical school. When I pointed that out to him, he added that he needed to be with someone attractive. FML

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By rufusthepenis - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She got my cock out, stopped, and told me it looked like "Rufus the naked mole rat." She spent the next 20 minutes showing me pictures, describing in detail why they looked similar, and laughing. FML

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By KTBeck - 26/5/2020 14:00

Three is the magic number

Today, my husband returned from a hiking trip. We had "I missed you" sex and after we were done, he told me about all the ticks he had while on the trail. He then went to shower and while washing, he found a tick latched to his penis. I technically had a three way. FML

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By Jae_Hellyun - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a link to a Vine video in which she dumped me. FML

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By maybenot - United Kingdom

Today, whilst on a cycling holiday, in a somewhat hungover state, I accidentally chained my bike to the back of someone else's caravan. As I walked away, I heard a loud scraping noise. I turned around and watched my bike get dragged down a long gravel road and through a pile of horse shit. FML

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By say no to dick - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

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By northernlass - United States

Today, I was singing and playing keyboards with my band on stage at a club. A drunken chick from the crowd tried to climb up onto the stage in her heels, fell, and grabbed the back of my mic stand to catch herself. And busted me in the mouth with my own microphone. Then she requested a song. FML

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By killingmyselfimmediately

Today, I had the flu and couldn't go to school. My dad called in and told them that I couldn't be there because I have an itchy anus. Not only that, but my birthday's tomorrow. FML

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By lonelynessinCA - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I pretended I wanted to buy something from a telemarketer so that they would keep talking to me. FML

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By ellieowenie - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 4-year-old son cut half of my hair when I was asleep because he thought I would look better that way. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Covina

Today, my manager challenged me to make two big sales at work. Seeing as customers spend a lot of money in our store, I decided the challenge was fairly easy and accepted. She immediately started stealing all of my sales. FML

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 24/9/2020 01:02 - United States - Ellsworth

Malfunctioning equipment

Today, at work, my front-close bra popped open like an anime character, right in front of the two male coworkers I was talking to. My boobs flung around and I had to pretend nothing happened while subtly crossing my arms and waiting for them to leave so I could fix it. FML

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By cough - Canada - Toronto

Good initiative

Today, I was choking on an apple and asked my sister to get me some water. She got some. Then drank it herself. FML

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By DeadlyKitten - United States - Springfield

Today, my cat followed me into the bathroom. While I was showering, he knocked over the storage shelf behind the toilet. The shelf was the perfect length to wedge the shower door completely closed. No one was home so I had to climb over my tall shower door all slippery and naked. FML

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By avocadotoe - United States - Big Bear Lake

Today, my boyfriend and I were house sitting. We were a little on edge because we'd heard noises. We were starting to get intimate, and suddenly the house alarm started going off. We locked ourselves in the room, called the police, and they told us that we were the ones who'd set it off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was moving. While packing, I found an old photo that had been laying face down in the bottom of a drawer for some time, and some of the ink transfered to the drawer lining. There is now an image of my ex-girlfriend's face permanently burned into the bottom of my nightstand drawer. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 21:30

Indeed

Today, my mother suffered a stroke and had to be hospitalized. In order to drive him to the hospital, I actually had to find my father, who never answers any phone calls or messages and is rarely home. I found out on the spot that he was cheating on my mother. What an asshole. FML

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By morningeyes - United States

Today, I was trying to remove a temporary tattoo my friend put on my cheek. When warm water and soap didn't work, I tried something else. Just so you know, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers do not, in fact, work by magic. Tell that to the massive chemical burn covering half my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, I blacked out at a wedding as a bridesmaid, during the service. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pushed over and robbed in a parking lot by a man in an ugly Christmas sweater. When I looked up, I was too distracted by the sweater to even look at his face. FML

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By 2k16 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I came home to find that my dog had figured out how to open the fridge again. He'd helped himself to raw eggs and crab. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife of 6 years came out as a lesbian. I moved out of state and away from family to start a new life with her. Turns out she's attracted to my mom. FML

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By AkiAnime - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found out that the huge project I've been working on for the past week is actually a group project. Everyone in my group knew. They were just letting me do the entire thing by myself because I'm "smart". FML

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By thestudent - Philippines

Today, my math teacher brought his laptop to tally up all our scores for our report card. He then displayed the results on a big screen in front of the whole class. The ones who failed were marked yellow. I was the only one marked yellow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's house waiting for him to shower, his mother slams a pair of underwear on the table and tells me that if she ever finds something like that in her son's room again, she is forbidding him from seeing me. The underwear isn't mine. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I was going through a hard and painful break up after a long relationship. Trying to get over it, I invited my two best friends over to lift my spirits. The night ended with them making out on my bed as I sat alone in the other room. FML

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By DarkMaskDiva

Vicious circle

Today, I found out the medication my doctor gave me for depression is making me fat. My main reason for depression is an eating disorder. Now, I'm fat instead of just thinking I am. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

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By

Today, has been a very long day, so I shall simply say there is a car in my bedroom. Yes a car. It's entirely my husband's fault, we have no idea how we're supposed to remove it, and there's oil all down my favourite pyjamas. FML

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By ilana - United States

Today, I was working at my day-camp, and one of my little boys told me he had to show me something important. He proudly showed me that he'd crapped his pants. I had to wipe his ass clean. FML

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By Badnewca - United States

Today, I drove home in my brand new car, hoping to surprise my girlfriend. She came out the house laughing, saying how funny it was, and how I look like a "twollop" in it. Then in all seriousness, she asked me when I was getting my "actual car" back from the garage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words "Lisa, will you..." then abruptly shat my pants. FML

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By Embarrassed wife

Today, I let my 5 year old play on my tablet while we were both using one of those family restrooms with two toilets. She took a selfie showing both on us on the toilet and sent it to my husband. FML.

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By smellay

Close quarters

Today, I had to shit really bad while I was in bed with my girlfriend. Luckily she was sleeping. I didn’t want to be obvious, so I closed all the doors, crept into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I accidentally let out the loudest fart. I got a text saying, “Walls are thin, you good?” FML

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By wow babe - United States - Arnold

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML

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By jhftrainer23 - United States

Today, the woman I'm training at work asked, while staring intently at the keyboard, "now, which one of these buttons is the space-bar again?" She is 80 years old, types about 1 word per minute, and I have just one week to get her completely trained. FML

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By Mimi - United States - Vallejo

Today, my husband told me that he thinks I am getting a little heavy and may need to lay off the junk food. The ultrasound is hanging on our fridge. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt like adding my real middle name to my facebook name to make it look more professional. It was denied because they didn't feel it was a legitimate request. Minutes later, someone with the name of "Galactic Toast" friend requested me. FML

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By I did them anyway - New Zealand

Today, my flatmate asked me to wash the large pile of dishes on the bench, and if I would start on cleaning the house which was a total mess. This would have been fine if I hadn't just walked in after being away for a week. FML

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Top comments

By _kyleG_ | 34

#6321560 - Monday 15 June 2015 18:42

Welp, time to amputate. There's no other way.

By pleasedie | 22

#6321544 - Monday 15 June 2015 18:33

Now that's just gross

COMMENTS

By AirBusDriver | 23

#6321535 - Monday 15 June 2015 18:29

Well that just plain stinks.

Reply

tinytyler | 12

#6322457 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 17:25

No clue why this got down voted. It's only a pun for gods sake

Reply

AlwaysWatching | 27

#6322497 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 18:52

You must be new here, #68

By Birdclawz | 17

#6321539 - Monday 15 June 2015 18:31

Sounds like a pretty stinky situation.

Reply

kendallm505050 | 12

#6321911 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 0:54

Stop.

Reply

PePziNL | 20

#6321973 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 2:02

IN THE NAAAAME OF LOOOVE

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6322056 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 4:21

BEFORE YOU BREEEEAK MY HEAAAAARRT…

Reply

43bubba34 | 25

#6322527 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 19:33

THINK IT OOOVER!!!!

Reply

Ava_Darkflame | 26

#6324175 - Thursday 18 June 2015 15:54

What the fuck happened here?

By dantee2005 | 33

#6321543 - Monday 15 June 2015 18:33

Is she hobo or hobbit?

Reply

PePziNL | 20

#6321975 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 2:03

Bitch my gurl aint no Hobbit!

~Kanye West

By pleasedie | 22

#6321544 - Monday 15 June 2015 18:33

Now that's just gross

Reply

sunnyskys | 25

#6321989 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 2:28

Don't play footsie you might catch something and it isn't a big toe lol

By Schala360 | 27

#6321545 - Monday 15 June 2015 18:33

urmahgerd, air freshener that shit

Reply

bdsmslave | 18

#6321933 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 1:07

It's time to give her a foot massage... using industrial cleaner as massage oil.

Reply

Ms_ValS | 27

#6322251 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 9:45

You would be willing to touch them?

By nonononononono_fml | 16

#6321548 - Monday 15 June 2015 18:37

Better learn to keep the air freshener handy!!

Reply

Schala360 | 27

#6321639 - Monday 15 June 2015 19:36

I honestly cant see why our posts are getting down voted, just because we aren't sucking up to OP doesn't mean we have to get down voted

Reply

chinaski7628 | 32

#6321646 - Monday 15 June 2015 19:42

Why cover up the smell when it can (most likely) be eliminated?She may have a fungus. Or it's bad hygiene. Both of those are easily taken care of. Either way, air freshener will only mask the problem. The girlfriend needs to fix the problem.

Reply

nonononononono_fml | 16

#6321714 - Monday 15 June 2015 21:08

Well I was thinking more Febreeze, covering it up and eliminating it all together but either way I was just kidding.

Reply

drrobotnik1 | 18

#6321854 - Monday 15 June 2015 23:59

unfortunately, that's the rule around here.

Reply

Schala360 | 27

#6322254 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 9:49

#44 yeah well its a shit rule

By 19990231 | 29

#6321550 - Monday 15 June 2015 18:38

Get her some foot powder or something to take care of that...

By tranced_ | 44

#6321551 - Monday 15 June 2015 18:38

time to take her to the shower and slyly wash her feet ;)

Reply

cfojo | 19

#6321561 - Monday 15 June 2015 18:42

Or she can go wash her own damn feet cuz that's nasty

By Darkness_Hate | 29

#6321552 - Monday 15 June 2015 18:39

Get kinky then give her a feet massage.

Reply

sstahpp | 33

#6321762 - Monday 15 June 2015 22:30

Would you like some toast with that jam?

Reply

DFMLharsh | 20

#6322278 - Tuesday 16 June 2015 10:54

^ wins

By lulinator | 40

#6321555 - Monday 15 June 2015 18:40

Someone needs a shower. Or some Dr. Scholl's.