Today, I noticed my new neighbor had taken the liberty of putting...

By Anonymous - 3/3/2011 18:33 - United States

Today, I noticed my new neighbor had taken the liberty of putting up signs all around their lawn overnight. There are at least a dozen signs detailing the various reasons everyone on the planet is condemned to hell. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Rock, hard place

KoBabe

By Anonymous - 24/3/2016 15:23 - United States - Bellefontaine

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he's convinced wearing boxer briefs instead of panties makes me a lesbian. FML

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By IHaveTwoOwies - 6/10/2017 13:00

Today, I pinched a nerve in my shoulder while pulling the bedcovers higher in the morning. After excruciating pain all day, I climbed back into bed at night, twisting my knee in the process. FML

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By IDPlease - 7/12/2018 03:00

Today my job started requiring all transactions regarding cigarettes or alcohol to have the ID scanned before proceeding. There is no way yo bypass this function. I carded a 60 year old man and his 40 year old son who both yelled at me for 10 minutes. FML

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By La Guigne - 8/4/2013 21:10 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I was in the break room with my colleagues and our awful boss. As ever, he was talking trash, convinced that his jokes were actually funny. The window was open, and it was chilly. As he walked by it, I mangled my words and said, "Cedric, could you please shut your mouth?" FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2015 16:58 - Denmark - Aarhus

Today, I saw a homeless guy in the street. It really upset me how everyone's spirit of giving vanished as soon as Christmas was over, so I said fuck it and gave him about $50 worth of money. I barely made it 10 feet away, when another guy mugged him for the money I just gave. FML

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By Fuck - 25/2/2015 21:39 - United States - Fowler

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. In the middle of it, he started saying in deep voice, "Enter, exit." Over and over. FML

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By AngrySon - 29/9/2011 01:12 - United States

Today, I cleaned out the fridge for my mother. I didn't throw out a single thing that was less than a month past its expiration. Instead of thanks, she complained about everything that I threw away being still good, including a tub of butter that had been expired for two years. FML

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By Falcon - 9/2/2012 06:42 - United States

Today, I had to pee in the kitchen sink because my bathroom is being completely revamped, and the only other toilet in the house is my parents'. They refuse to let anyone use it. FML

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By sadlrana121 - 10/1/2015 22:46 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I psyched myself up and headed out to a really promising job interview. I was sure I was going to nail it and get my first job. That is, until a bird shat on my head on my way there. Thank you so very much, universe. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2010 14:57 - United States

Today, I'm spending the night with the guy I've been interested in for a while. Instead of sleeping in the same bed together, he insists that I sleep in another room because he "doesn't want to be tempted to do anything." So, I'm alone, in my best lingerie, in his little brother's room. FML

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By Mike Messenger - 5/10/2013 13:51 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I moved into a new house, I couldn't help but notice a car alarm going off, so I investigated my neighbors. Turns out it's their bird. It imitates chainsaws, car alarms, and much more. FML

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By moms a baby - 31/3/2014 02:44 - United States - Loma Linda

Today, my mom stopped playing badminton with me because she claimed I was too aggressive. Apparently winning, playing by the rules, and smashing is considered aggressive. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, I was fired from the trucking company I work for, due to numerous complaints about my reckless driving. I don't even do driving work there, but my ex keeps calling in to report me, and my boss wanted the calls to stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2019 16:09

Today, I was using a disabled toilet. I'm disabled partly because of spinal problems. While I was doing my business, the whole toilet fell to the floor, leaving me sitting in a puddle of my own urine and smashed porcelain, with even more spinal problems. FML

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By belljars - 18/4/2014 02:27 - United States - Riverside

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex and in the heat of the moment I cried out for him to go harder. He had an exasperated expression on his face, and in an adamantly offended tone he said, "Don't tell me what to do." Then he stopped and left the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 00:01

Invisible Woman

Today, I accidentally overslept and missed a morning breakfast at work, one I never get to have when it happens. Not only did my boss say nothing about me being absent, he even asked me if the food was good. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2012 23:09 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend of a month has a new girlfriend. That girl is my cousin, the same one who's been listening to my tears fall as I've confided my feelings to her for the past few weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2016 17:38 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I now accept how stupid I was to marry a man whose plans for the future all start with "When I win the lottery..." FML

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By Labro9 - 23/10/2016 08:20

Today, as I was transcribing my manager's recorded orated memo, I heard an unmistakable grunt and splash of an impromptu "bathroom deposit". Seems my manager is economising his time like never before. FML

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By UpAllNight - 9/2/2019 13:00 - Palestinian Territory

Today, I had to sleep at my in-laws' house. My in-laws' bedroom is directly above the one we’re sleeping in. For the last 20 minutes, all I can hear is the bed going, “Thud, thud, thud.” FML

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By nycol - 17/2/2012 14:13 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old boyfriend why it is not okay to pee in the pool. FML

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By Chensticles - 14/10/2009 01:25 - France

Today, I went to my hairdresser who promised me a haircut which "all the girls would want you" for. She gave me a combover. FML

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By Carowl - 5/8/2015 02:33

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML

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By Me - 27/9/2015 09:53 - Australia

Today, I tried taking a shortcut through a nature trail, hoping to save myself some time getting back to my car. I ended up getting lost for nearly 3 hours and getting to work nearly 2 hours late. FML

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By skidmark - 8/12/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, while standing completely still at Walmart, I was hit by a drunk man on a Jazzy Scooter. He laughed, said it was an accident, gunned the scooter and took out two more people. FML

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By libraries are a girl's best friend - 19/7/2013 21:53 - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, my dad grounded me for swearing, after I read a funny comment on Youtube to my sister. The supposed swear word? "YOLO." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, my 8-year-old sister learned how to type her name into a phone using the number key-pad. I later found my phone on the kitchen counter with all my contacts under her name. FML

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By CrawlingUnderARock - 26/9/2017 16:00

Today, I discovered that a company has been using a photo of me for one of those "she lost 50 pounds" online ads. I'm the "before" photo. FML

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By anon - 13/5/2009 17:39 - United States

Today, I graduated from college and my parents gave me an apple. Not the computer, the fruit. FML

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By LassieToe - 30/3/2012 03:48 - Australia

Today, while on the train to university, I realized it was my stop and quickly stood up to get off. Or I would have, if my leg hadn't gone to sleep and caused me to fall, landing face first into the crotch of the old guy in front of me. FML

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By hannax - 16/8/2016 17:26 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I was spending the night at my fiancé's house. He knew my period was about to start, so he asked if he needed to put a tarp down on the bed. He was dead serious. FML

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By chubrubber - 4/9/2016 18:57 - United States - Bronx

Today, I participated in a walk for charity. Even though I was supposed to walk 5K, I stopped after 3K because the pain from my thighs rubbing together nearly sent me to tears. FML

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By insightful - 20/3/2012 04:33 - Australia

Today, I was warning a girl in my art class to be careful with a Stanley knife, as she had managed to cut her finger quite badly. Just as I said it, I sliced my finger open with a Stanley knife. FML

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By ugh - 5/3/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that we need a code word for when I'm being annoying. FML

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By mhogan - 10/3/2020 21:00 - Canada

The Laws of Attraction

Today, I was skiing and crashed into a tree. It was the only tree on the slope. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2012 22:22 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML

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By panda - 3/3/2011 11:20

Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

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By Loserbot - 4/9/2012 01:02 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. Right as she orgasmed, she screamed out Megatron's name. When I later confronted her about this, she said that she always had a crush on him and wanted to be queen of the Decepticons. I've been dating this lunatic for a year and half now. FML

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By MarBlu - 23/1/2014 12:53 - United States

Today, I came home from the army and explained to my family how tough it was there. Then, as I was walking away, I stubbed my toe on the couch, fell and cried. FML

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By Amberain - 16/8/2012 15:16 - United Kingdom - Widnes

Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend, when he suddenly decided to lift up my shirt, stick his face into my boobs, and go all Darth Vader on me. This included heavy breathing and phrases such as, "Amber... I am your boyfriend." FML

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Top comments

By HSOMGF | 5

#2147559 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:03

Tell them to move to Kansas and join the WBC.

By asbmf | 7

#2147650 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:23

The key words here are "their house." Your neighbors can do whatever they want on their own property as long as it's not illegal, which this isn't. It's not your house, and it has nothing to do with you, so as long as you don't just sit there all day staring at your neighbor's yard, this shouldn't really affect you at all.

COMMENTS

By Bobissmall | 13

#2147525 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:03

Wouldn't be the same if people didn't have a crazy neighbour?!

iSitt | 0

#2147643 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:25

there goes the neighborhood

milky953 | 0

#2155521 - Sunday 6 March 2011 14:50

it wouldn't be the same and I luv neighbors like that

By banana_buddy | 6

#2147532 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:03

Guess ull be seeing her in hell then

docscientist | 9

#2147641 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:21

No, Westbro church. Where cool stories are made every day.

By MrDiezel | 3

#2147534 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:06

What does this have to do with you

sieera00 | 8

#2752221 - Saturday 25 June 2011 0:03

at least ur neighbor doesn't tell
you to stop playing basketball when it's 8:00 (p.m.)

quicheme45 | 0

#3053315 - Saturday 6 August 2011 23:02

ya how is this f your life?

By HSOMGF | 5

#2147559 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:03

Tell them to move to Kansas and join the WBC.

NancyDeebensDPDS | 0

#2147599 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:13

westboro church? yes.

SirEBC | 7

#2147678 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:33

I'll bet the person who voted your guys' comments down has absolutely no idea who those people are and what they stand for.

blackbird31 | 0

#2147700 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:46

Joke is on them. Hell doesn't exist.

milkndstufff | 7

#2147730 - Friday 4 March 2011 0:15

it does if your a satanist

AlucarDraculA14 | 0

#2147809 - Friday 4 March 2011 0:59

it is not Westboro Baptist Church. its Westboro Baptist Cult.

Abbiesaur | 0

#2147813 - Friday 4 March 2011 1:00

They are extremists. Extremely extreme extremists.

Hidan_fml | 0

#2147825 - Friday 4 March 2011 1:05

#1, when I first read this FML, I thought of the exact same thing, instead I was going to say "Is his/her name Fred/Shirley Phelps?"

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2148125 - Friday 4 March 2011 2:55

Similar thing happened to me when mel Gibson came to visit. He threw rocks at children claiming they were devils and would throw boiling water on nuns trying to give them exorcisms. However I got to say his cooking was fantastic

ovechkinisbeast | 9

#2148531 - Friday 4 March 2011 5:30

world baseball classic? XD

optimystic | 0

#2148562 - Friday 4 March 2011 5:44

amen.

docscientist | 9

#2148640 - Friday 4 March 2011 6:12

No, Westbro church. Where cool stories are made every day.

Lustuu_fml | 14

#2149078 - Friday 4 March 2011 10:20

I hope hell is real, and LMAO

kei1108 | 13

#2221778 - Tuesday 22 March 2011 7:49

wow. how insensitive are you guys? aren't you doing the exact same thing by saying rude things about another religion?

choirnerd9 | 0

#2284545 - Sunday 3 April 2011 7:14

The WBC is not a religion, it is a cult of racist homophobes and their children that try to cover their hatred with religion.

By catnip216 | 0

#2147561 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:08

You can probably report it to the city as an eyesore, and then they might make him/her remove them.

thatonename | 7

#2149064 - Friday 4 March 2011 9:58

neighbor claims religious reasons. city can't do anything... shitty, but that's all that'll happen.

By rob935 | 5

#2147572 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:10

If it's in their own house, how does this affect the OP? Not an FML, more of an "I'm a peeping-tom".

ktdad07 | 0

#2147709 - Friday 4 March 2011 0:01

I hate peeping toms. Every time I go out on my lawn to do naked pilates

QueenOfBoredom | 0

#2147877 - Friday 4 March 2011 1:18

haha i see what you did there

heyred | 11

#2148192 - Friday 4 March 2011 3:15

It's on the lawn, not in the house.

gibby1235 | 6

#2148234 - Friday 4 March 2011 3:32

oh I get it. so if happen to be passing by someones house and a sign catches my eye and I look that automatically makes me someone a peeping Tom. it all makes sense now.

gibby1235 | 6

#2148236 - Friday 4 March 2011 3:32

oh I get it. so if happen to be passing by someones house and a sign catches my eye and I look that automatically makes me someone a peeping Tom. it all makes sense now.4

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2148326 - Friday 4 March 2011 4:13

Well, you still don't make sense. ^

erongetti | 2

#2148996 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:55

you need to be a home-owner to understand what op is trying to say. or at least have had a bad neighbor before... it sucks. fyl op! I can just imagine the chats over the fence you'll have!

clacombe | 1

#2303290 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 10:01

I agree with you totally

By milkndstufff | 7

#2147592 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:08

You should be thankful. He knows what's up. probably just wants to make everyone aware that they should all stop being shit fucks.

By mintcar | 9

#2147594 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:15

Psycho neighbor is psycho. Stay away from him/her.

By mintcar | 9

#2147603 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:15

Psycho neighbor is psycho. Stay away from him/her.

By Doortje | 28

#2147626 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:22

Make his/her life a living hell.