Today, I noticed my new neighbor had taken the liberty of putting...

By Anonymous - 3/3/2011 18:33 - United States

Today, I noticed my new neighbor had taken the liberty of putting up signs all around their lawn overnight. There are at least a dozen signs detailing the various reasons everyone on the planet is condemned to hell. FML

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

Assumptions

Weird kid

By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with friends and I fell asleep while I was tanning. When I woke up, everyone was laughing hysterically. I asked what was so funny, and one of my friends replies, "you farted so loud in your sleep that you woke yourself up." FML

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By jzidar24 - 22/10/2015 02:37 - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, at school, I got in trouble for plagiarizing on a paper. The subject of said paper was where I see myself in ten years. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2017 06:00

Today, my girlfriend was sick for the fourth day in a row. I stopped by her house to check on her and bring some necessities, only to find her ex's truck in the driveway, and the sounds of some very intense love making coming from inside. I guess she's not that sick after all. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2019 22:05

Today, I got hit on. By a high school kid. Who looks exactly like Napoleon Dynamite. That was the only time anyone has ever hit on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 23:53 - United States

Today, I sent the girl I like a Twinkie with a note saying "Enjoy! You deserve it". I found out later through an angry email that someone had written "you damn fatty" on the end of the note. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 08:09 - United States

Today, I found out I'm balding faster than my dad. I'm 19. FML

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By ksamp - 12/10/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years confessed that at first, she'd only dated me to get her friend jealous, and that even now, she "only kind of liked" me. I bought a ring only a few days ago, and was planning on proposing to her. FML

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By lovingpsychosis - 26/5/2011 07:53 - United Kingdom

Today, my mom asked if I was seeing anyone. I launched into a description of my girlfriend, only for her to interrupt, saying that she meant a therapist, and the fact that I'd just made up a relationship was further proof that I needed one. I really do have a girlfriend. FML

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By not what she said - 1/6/2020 20:00

Misheard

Today, I was on a Zoom call. My sister offered to go get lunch and I told her, "Don’t forget the baguettes." One overly sensitive coworker swears I used a derogatory slur that sounds the same. I didn’t. However, I’m still going to be investigated by my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2018 05:00

Freaky.

Today, according to my mother, who is only 19 years older than me and raised me by herself, I was conceived in a satanic ritual to honour the Horned God and have at least 4 potential fathers. She was too stoned to remember the actual number or their names. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2013 00:30 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind to go on a date with me. I then introduced him to my new, visually impaired boyfriend. He hasn't stopped laughing. FML

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By ismerf19 - 22/12/2010 00:05

Today, I was working in a restaurant. On the receipt under "tip" someone actually took the time to write out "$0.00." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 02:22 - United States

Today, after staying in bed all day for a week from sickness, I get up to tell my mom I have terrible back pain and feel extremely dizzy. After curling up on the chair next to her, not being able to keep my head up for too long, she simply stares at me and says, "Can I finish my dinner now?" FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 13:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was selling personalised stockings at work. When handing a customer's order over to her, which had no name on, I joked, "Oooh this is a bit mysterious". She replied, "Actually, it's in memory of the baby I miscarried earlier this year." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2014 17:41 - United States - Mckinney

Today, I got yelled at by a bleeding-heart hippy in the restroom for using paper towels. Apparently I'm a "tree-hating, paper-wasting bitch". I had a nosebleed. FML

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By notanightowlanymore - 5/1/2016 17:44 - United States - Clyde

Today, my grandfather showed up at my house in a panic. He rushed over, with a gun, because I wasn't answering his texts and he thought something had happened to me. I was asleep. FML

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By whiskynexttimeplease - 7/7/2016 20:52 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, my husband kindly offered to take me on a brewery tour. Turned out the brewery is owned by his ex-girlfriend and there was no tour after all. Just me standing awkwardly for 25 minutes while he chatted to her about her family and stuff they used to do together. FML

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By shugberry - 1/9/2019 12:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my mum on the London Underground. We were standing on the platform, when she suddenly bought up a load of phlegm in her mouth. Instead of trying to find a bin, she just full on spat out the biggest green pile on the floor next to people. FML

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By ThisIsAgony - 25/10/2013 06:48 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my little sister is having a friend spend the night. Our rooms are right next to one another and the walls are thin. We are now entering the fourth hour of a singing contest so off-key that it should be illegal. FML

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By asianjoe - 11/7/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, at work, I told a lady checking out to sign her name after sliding her credit card. After she started signing her name, she threw the pen down in frustration saying that the pen was out of ink. We use electronic pin pads. FML

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By BackToRehab - 26/2/2011 21:53 - Canada

Today, I treated my mom to a movie and lunch after she'd attended weeks of AA meetings. She snuck in a flask to the movie, and during lunch, she started calling people muggles. FML

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By anlhawks - 10/9/2010 04:02 - United States

Today, I bought my boyfriend two concert tickets (of our favorite band) for his birthday. I was expecting him to bring me since I gave them to him and I like the band too. He said, "Sweet, thanks, I'll call my friend now and see if he wants to go. Think you could give us a ride?" FML

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By BlazefireSaber - 7/7/2015 03:59 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with a broken finger, all because I beat my little brother in a Wii game. He ran over and twisted my finger, saying, "Now how are you going to beat me, cunt?" FML

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By RainbowSuck - 7/2/2017 16:00 - Canada

Today, after passing various interviews and tests, I was given a great job pending a pre-employment medical test. Now I'm jobless and colorblind. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 02:48 - Australia

Today, my little sister put on some black eyeliner on my eyes. About half an hour later, my eyes started to hurt. Eyeliner never hurt for me; so I went to the bathroom to check it out. My sister wasn't using eyeliner. It was a black watercolor pencil. Now I have black bits inside my eyes. FML

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By komp6390 - 28/2/2010 13:16 - United States

Today, my roommate and I got charged $100 for having a cat in our apartment. I was only babysitting the cat so my neighbors wouldn't get caught and fined. We got caught because my roommate reported the people downstairs for having a dog, so they reported that someone else in the building had a cat. FML

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By deargodthepain - 2/2/2014 16:53 - United States

Today, I was singing in the shower but couldn't hit the higher notes. My wife complained and 2 minutes later she ran a tap causing my shower to go freezing. I shrieked. My wife said my pitch was still wrong. FML

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By meme71 - 21/2/2011 10:22

Today, I had an hour-long massage, meditated for while and was finally feeling good. Then I had to call an ambulance for my idiot father who had managed to get alcohol poisoning. FML

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By fail - 26/4/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I worked a car wash as a fundraiser. Being nice I figured I'd bring my car, get it washed, and donate some money. When it was my car's turn to be washed, everyone was conveniently busy washing other cars. My car was in front and needed to be washed and moved. I paid $10 to wash my own car. FML

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By planking champion - 17/10/2011 22:05 - United States

Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2014 19:00 - United Kingdom - Aylesbury

Today, an old man wanted to give me a tip for bagging his groceries. He slipped some money as deep into my pocket as he could, stroking my thigh for a few long seconds in the process, then he gave me a creepy smile and winked before walking away. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2019 02:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping tidy up after my girlfriend's flat warming. I went to put a sharp kitchen knife in the sink while she was washing dishes, and stabbed her in the finger instead. FML

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By clumsyandhungry - 15/9/2010 04:24 - United States

Today, we were closing the restaurant early. I begin mopping as a couple walks in. The lady slips and falls, and to avoid a lawsuit, we offer them free food. After they left, I slipped on the freshly mopped kitchen floor with dishes in my hands. I didn't get free food. FML

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By nottrustworthy - 18/11/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, my wife of seven years told me that she doesn't trust me with dog-sitting her dog while she leaves to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's with her family. She ended up calling someone she "trusts" to take care of her dog while I spend the holidays by myself. FML

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By Speedy - 20/7/2010 13:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my driving test for the first time. The instructor stopped it after less than ten minutes, and insisted she drive back to the test centre "in the interest of public safety." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2019 14:00

Chocolate chip

Today, I was eating chocolate chip cookies around the house and saw a chocolate chip on the floor. Not wanting my dog to eat it, given that chocolate is poisonous for dogs, I swiped it up with my finger and put it to my mouth. It was then that I realized it was a stub of my dog's poop. FML

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By fat girl - 29/4/2014 22:58 - United States - North Pole

Today, my coworkers decided to throw me a surprise baby shower. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By poopy pants - 8/4/2013 01:47 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was driving home from a friend's house after a night of partying. Suddenly, I had to poop worse than I ever had to in my entire life. The pain was so bad I had to pull over and pretend to be checking my tires while I let out the entire contents of my bowels onto the road. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2015 17:00 - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I was at K-Mart and saw an exact copy of my engagement ring for twenty bucks. The same one that had supposedly been in my fiancé's family for generations, and worth thousands. FML

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Top comments

By HSOMGF | 5

#2147559 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:03

Tell them to move to Kansas and join the WBC.

By asbmf | 7

#2147650 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:23

The key words here are "their house." Your neighbors can do whatever they want on their own property as long as it's not illegal, which this isn't. It's not your house, and it has nothing to do with you, so as long as you don't just sit there all day staring at your neighbor's yard, this shouldn't really affect you at all.

Comments

By Bobissmall | 13

#2147525 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:03

Wouldn't be the same if people didn't have a crazy neighbour?!

iSitt | 0

#2147643 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:25

there goes the neighborhood

milky953 | 0

#2155521 - Sunday 6 March 2011 14:50

it wouldn't be the same and I luv neighbors like that

By banana_buddy | 6

#2147532 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:03

Guess ull be seeing her in hell then

docscientist | 9

#2147641 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:21

No, Westbro church. Where cool stories are made every day.

By MrDiezel | 3

#2147534 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:06

What does this have to do with you

sieera00 | 8

#2752221 - Saturday 25 June 2011 0:03

at least ur neighbor doesn't tell
you to stop playing basketball when it's 8:00 (p.m.)

quicheme45 | 0

#3053315 - Saturday 6 August 2011 23:02

ya how is this f your life?

By HSOMGF | 5

#2147559 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:03

Tell them to move to Kansas and join the WBC.

NancyDeebensDPDS | 0

#2147599 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:13

westboro church? yes.

SirEBC | 7

#2147678 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:33

I'll bet the person who voted your guys' comments down has absolutely no idea who those people are and what they stand for.

blackbird31 | 0

#2147700 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:46

Joke is on them. Hell doesn't exist.

milkndstufff | 7

#2147730 - Friday 4 March 2011 0:15

it does if your a satanist

AlucarDraculA14 | 0

#2147809 - Friday 4 March 2011 0:59

it is not Westboro Baptist Church. its Westboro Baptist Cult.

Abbiesaur | 0

#2147813 - Friday 4 March 2011 1:00

They are extremists. Extremely extreme extremists.

Hidan_fml | 0

#2147825 - Friday 4 March 2011 1:05

#1, when I first read this FML, I thought of the exact same thing, instead I was going to say "Is his/her name Fred/Shirley Phelps?"

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#2148125 - Friday 4 March 2011 2:55

Similar thing happened to me when mel Gibson came to visit. He threw rocks at children claiming they were devils and would throw boiling water on nuns trying to give them exorcisms. However I got to say his cooking was fantastic

ovechkinisbeast | 9

#2148531 - Friday 4 March 2011 5:30

world baseball classic? XD

optimystic | 0

#2148562 - Friday 4 March 2011 5:44

amen.

docscientist | 9

#2148640 - Friday 4 March 2011 6:12

No, Westbro church. Where cool stories are made every day.

Lustuu_fml | 14

#2149078 - Friday 4 March 2011 10:20

I hope hell is real, and LMAO

kei1108 | 13

#2221778 - Tuesday 22 March 2011 7:49

wow. how insensitive are you guys? aren't you doing the exact same thing by saying rude things about another religion?

choirnerd9 | 0

#2284545 - Sunday 3 April 2011 7:14

The WBC is not a religion, it is a cult of racist homophobes and their children that try to cover their hatred with religion.

By catnip216 | 0

#2147561 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:08

You can probably report it to the city as an eyesore, and then they might make him/her remove them.

thatonename | 7

#2149064 - Friday 4 March 2011 9:58

neighbor claims religious reasons. city can't do anything... shitty, but that's all that'll happen.

By rob935 | 5

#2147572 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:10

If it's in their own house, how does this affect the OP? Not an FML, more of an "I'm a peeping-tom".

ktdad07 | 0

#2147709 - Friday 4 March 2011 0:01

I hate peeping toms. Every time I go out on my lawn to do naked pilates

QueenOfBoredom | 0

#2147877 - Friday 4 March 2011 1:18

haha i see what you did there

heyred | 11

#2148192 - Friday 4 March 2011 3:15

It's on the lawn, not in the house.

gibby1235 | 6

#2148234 - Friday 4 March 2011 3:32

oh I get it. so if happen to be passing by someones house and a sign catches my eye and I look that automatically makes me someone a peeping Tom. it all makes sense now.

gibby1235 | 6

#2148236 - Friday 4 March 2011 3:32

oh I get it. so if happen to be passing by someones house and a sign catches my eye and I look that automatically makes me someone a peeping Tom. it all makes sense now.4

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2148326 - Friday 4 March 2011 4:13

Well, you still don't make sense. ^

erongetti | 2

#2148996 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:55

you need to be a home-owner to understand what op is trying to say. or at least have had a bad neighbor before... it sucks. fyl op! I can just imagine the chats over the fence you'll have!

clacombe | 1

#2303290 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 10:01

I agree with you totally

By milkndstufff | 7

#2147592 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:08

You should be thankful. He knows what's up. probably just wants to make everyone aware that they should all stop being shit fucks.

By mintcar | 9

#2147594 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:15

Psycho neighbor is psycho. Stay away from him/her.

By mintcar | 9

#2147603 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:15

Psycho neighbor is psycho. Stay away from him/her.

By Doortje | 28

#2147626 - Thursday 3 March 2011 23:22

Make his/her life a living hell.