Animals: Today, I noticed my dog chewing on something while on the couch.... - FML

02/03/2013 00:54 - United States

Today, I noticed my dog chewing on something while on the couch. It looked like a wash rag of some sort, so I grabbed it from my dog. It wasn't until after I picked it up that I noticed it wasn't a wash rag. It was a small, dead bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 609

You deserved it 3 100

Hiding from the drama

Another great day to be alive

Wake up call

13/08/2013 02:54 - United States - Denver

Today, I received a phone call that started with, "Now stay calm... Your house is on fire." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 707

You deserved it 2 844

12/09/2010 16:52 - United States

Today, I found out that the man who came into work yesterday, the man who tried to grope me from over the counter, the one who spat his drink in my face, the one who kicked me in the shins when he didn't like the way his food tasted, is a regular and I can expect him three times a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 490

You deserved it 2 446

Cool moves

By Anonymous - 21/01/2021 23:01

Spicy

Today, I tried pouring water on myself like in Coyote Ugly to the song "Pour Some Sugar On Me." I ended up waterboarding myself and I didn’t stop until the pitcher was done. I felt like I was drowning the whole time, and my partner knew from the choking sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 263

You deserved it 1 470

18/02/2014 16:31 - United States

Today, while waiting in line at a store, a toddler behind me was throwing a major meltdown while his father yelled at him, giving me a migraine. I turned to the woman behind me and said, "Can you believe this kid? I feel sorry for his mother." Turns out the woman was his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 075

You deserved it 46 508

25/04/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 460

You deserved it 64 203

28/10/2010 12:07 - United States

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 862

You deserved it 4 597

10/02/2009 03:59 - United States

Today, I got a ticket. From my dad the cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 655

You deserved it 18 295

Sneaky moggie

By wouldn'tyouliketoknow - 12/10/2019 02:00

Today, my neighbours were screaming for their "lost" cat again. I've already seen the cat multiple times. In my garden. Pissing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 490

You deserved it 119

29/12/2010 06:50

Today, an antiques dealer made a joke about chopping off and buying my deformed left hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 069

You deserved it 2 806

26/11/2011 08:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because her father, who abandoned her before she was born and just reentered her life, doesn't approve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 442

You deserved it 2 414

30/04/2013 16:03 - Canada

Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 773

You deserved it 4 599

01/01/2012 00:19 - Hungary

Today, I was sleeping over at a friend's house. I went and took a shower, and as I tried to get out, the door jammed. I called my friend for help, and after much tugging, the glass shattered all over me. She panicked and sent her dad to rescue me. It was the first time he and I had met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 716

You deserved it 2 600

17/10/2013 22:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 712

You deserved it 4 900

22/09/2014 01:27

Today, the man who hit on me in a store and asked for my number showed up on my doorstep to inquire about my couch for sale. With his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 673

You deserved it 2 772

04/12/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my father asked my best friend to marry him. He's 38 and we're 18. She said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 706

You deserved it 3 226

I'm looking through you

By lesler - 20/07/2021 06:01 - Canada

Today, my bartender noticed my new haircut before my live-in boyfriend did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 171

02/10/2013 08:12 - United States - Holyoke

Today, my bully made me cry once again. It's been going on for weeks. I don't know who to turn to; I can't say anything because I'd get into even more trouble. He even stole my Nintendo 3DS and won't give it back. My bully is my girlfriend's son. He's 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 385

You deserved it 54 777

08/12/2013 16:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my girlfriend what she loves the most about me. She said it's the fact that I look like her cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 665

You deserved it 4 108

03/02/2010 16:02 - France

Today, my youngest son had to have stitches in his chin. He did great, I passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 462

You deserved it 7 313

13/07/2019 00:31

Today, I figured out that the roommate who I let move in with me on Sunday is probably a prostitute. I’m a lawyer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 647

You deserved it 377

Not the nuggets!

By Anon - 27/06/2018 20:30

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing for 5 months over. We got some chicken nuggets, but didn’t eat because he stripped my clothes off and we started having sex. Out of nowhere, he said, "I can’t do this!" and left. He took the chicken nuggets with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 802

You deserved it 472

19/01/2012 11:44 - United States

Today, we received our honeymoon itinerary. Our travel agent booked our flight to Punta Cana correctly. Too bad she booked us a hotel in Orlando, Florida. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 955

You deserved it 2 592

31/01/2011 09:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. I smiled back. He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 013

You deserved it 4 686

23/03/2016 22:48 - United States - Lake Worth

Today, I found out that my mom has been deliberately forgetting to help me practice my driving. It's not because the insurance will go up once I pass the test, she doesn't want my 14 year-old sister to feel left behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 625

You deserved it 1 176

30/11/2015 02:47 - United States - Tampa

Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My uncle apparently felt uncomfortable at the restaurant, because he got up and flipped the table over before leaving. The bill tripled because of the broken glass, and my uncle called me up later for a ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 250

You deserved it 1 419

30/12/2014 09:57 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I got a call from my roommate's mother, asking me to hide her flip flops so she couldn't wear them out in sub-zero temperatures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 081

You deserved it 2 964

30/09/2009 19:30 - Philippines

Today, I joined a small disaster relief group. I remarked to the big, long-haired person beside me that it was surprising that I was the only female in the group. I got a cold stare. Later I asked another volunteer about that person. He answered, "Oh, her? She's my sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 208

You deserved it 38 918

25/01/2011 06:13

Today, I got pulled over for a traffic violation. Thinking I could get away with it, I spoke with a French accent. The officer then asked me a question in perfect French. I got a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 391

You deserved it 55 953

11/01/2011 13:34

Today, while parallel parked, a car stopped next to me, backed up, and hit the woman behind him. When she pulled off to the side to check for damage, she slammed into me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 606

You deserved it 1 982

23/12/2014 08:14 - Canada - Delta

Today, I went to my retail job to buy some clothing. As soon as I walked through the doors, my manager yelled at me for not being in appropriate work clothes. I tried to explain that I was off the clock but he was having none of it. I got written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 175

You deserved it 3 081

05/08/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with my family. My parents didn't want me to hear what they were talking about so they decided they would spell out the words so I wouldn't understand. I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 399

You deserved it 58 657

People don't always get sarcasm

By Martin - 15/03/2021 17:00

Today, my son asked if there was a way to make parenting easier. I sarcastically told him he could be a deadbeat who sees his kid every two weeks. He must have thought I was serious because he broke up with his girlfriend and baby, turned up at my door expecting to have his old room, and told my wife it was my idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 1 009

09/08/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got arrested. For robbing my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 565

You deserved it 5 884

Close enough

By Anonymous - 02/06/2020 08:00

Today, I finished writing a 60-page essay on the history and people of Australia. Turns out it's supposed to be on Austria. It's due this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 169

You deserved it 1 400

11/08/2013 15:35 - United States - Broomall

Spicy

Today, while I was hanging out with a cute girl, I slapped her ass playfully. She told me that she was going to get me back. She slapped my ass later that night unexpectedly while I was holding in a huge fart... It came out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 082

You deserved it 24 720

Mask off

By Anonymous - 09/04/2020 20:00 - India

Today, I found out that the guy I've been dating for a year is and always has been gay. I was apparently "an amazingly convenient beard" for his ultra-religious family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 834

You deserved it 169

06/01/2016 04:56 - Canada - Regina

Today, a 65-ish year-old man told me that he's married and not supposed to look at other women, but that I tempt him. All while sitting next to his wife, who then told me I was going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 557

You deserved it 1 625

Mute

By Gassy Gal - 21/03/2021 05:01

Today, I was feeling gassy at work so I used my mute button. Later on in the day, I realized my mute button was disabled. Everyone heard me fart and it's recorded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 247

11/03/2009 05:21 - United States

Today, I had to get my hair chopped off for a role that I'm playing in a show. I was staring at the floor while the woman cut my hair, and I suddenly heard her start crying. Her tears were immediately followed by "It's okay! I have a friend in New York who can fix it. We won't charge you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 413

You deserved it 3 796

03/07/2012 11:33 - United States - Garland

Today, I asked the 7-year-old that I was babysitting if he could burp on command. He said he could, and began to demonstrate. It turns out he couldn't purposely burp, but he definitely could vomit on command. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 423

You deserved it 28 985

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Top comments

Gesula 24

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Saturday 2 March 2013 10:07

F the bird's life.

Therewhenneeded 16

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Saturday 2 March 2013 10:07

Oh dear...been there, done that. My sympathies.

Comments

Therewhenneeded 16

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Saturday 2 March 2013 10:07

Oh dear...been there, done that. My sympathies.

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Saturday 2 March 2013 10:30

It happens to my friend all the time. So she cut down the huge tree she had in her backyard and no dead birds have been dragged in, by her dogs.

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Saturday 2 March 2013 15:14

#1 Empathy is the word you wanted. Don't mean to sound like a grammar Nazi, but the sooner you distinguish the two words the better :)

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Saturday 2 March 2013 15:42

I think they both work fine, and I know it's hard to have a valid "opinion" about something like definitions, but that's my opinion :)

Gesula 24

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Saturday 2 March 2013 10:07

F the bird's life.

happle 21

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Saturday 2 March 2013 17:53

It doesn't quite have a life anymore.

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Saturday 2 March 2013 10:09

Seriously the dog needs to get his role right! He's supposed to protect the bird from evil sylvester and Tom... Jerry is probably heart broken his pal has been eaten.

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Saturday 2 March 2013 12:04

:(

apax 9

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Saturday 2 March 2013 10:09

What a twit.

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Saturday 2 March 2013 11:57

Sorry but I'm curious; what's your profile pic of kind sir?

natashaapickle 8

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Saturday 2 March 2013 10:09

Tasty..

MeLikeBigBoom 8

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Saturday 2 March 2013 10:10

Yummy?

BunchieRules 31

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Saturday 2 March 2013 10:13

What disturbs me the most is that he mutilated it to the point where you couldn't even tell what it was at first.

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Saturday 2 March 2013 10:18

The dog is a predatory animal, please tell me that no one is surprised that it is following it's nature. I know it's not fun to deal with, but it goes with the territory.

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Sunday 3 March 2013 9:40

I'm not surprised at all, our dogs are great mouse hunters, usually they'll eat them or take them outside, sometimes they'll leave it on the floor though, that is disgusting!!

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Saturday 2 March 2013 10:22

Dogs have instincts that have helped them to survive in the wilds. I don't think that you can ever completely train that out of animals.

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Saturday 2 March 2013 10:28

Let's face it, very very few of us can train those instincts out of ourselves. It's pretty damn arrogant to think that we'd have better luck with other animals.

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Saturday 2 March 2013 11:13

I know right. I found myself clubbing my man over the head today then dragging him into the bushes for some sex! Poor mans still looking dazed...

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Saturday 2 March 2013 11:00

Dogs have always eaten birds or chased birds. It's just their instincts.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 16

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 432