Today, I noticed I give myself pep-talks when I'm lonely. FML - FML

By Anonymous - 12/9/2010 02:31 - United States

Today, I noticed I give myself pep-talks when I'm lonely. FML

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Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Long story short

Weird kid

By finallyready - 8/1/2013 19:56 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I discovered after 11 months, my girlfriend is finally ready to have sex. I discovered this by walking in on her and one of my friends. FML

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By Rashbeard - 5/1/2020 01:00

Rash beard

Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML

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By BirdWatching - 31/3/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, after moving to the big city, and missing the natural world from my tiny, 10th floor apartment, I bought a window bird feeder. Within half an hour, it had fallen off, landed on, and killed a pigeon. FML

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By Simon Cowell - 8/9/2018 20:30

Today, I realised my teeth are so stained that they look cleaner when I've not brushed them. FML

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By cAtaLanbLoOd - 24/10/2013 06:06 - France - Perpignan

Today, a homeless guy asked me for a cigarette. Knowing that I only had a couple left in my pack, I gave it to him. He opened it, took one out and thanked me profusely. A bit surprised, I went on my way. Oh yes, that's right, the pack contained the money I'd withdrawn from an ATM. FML

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By sheryl_m - 9/4/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, I came home expecting a surprise party. It was my birthday and I had overheard my friends planning it all week. Nobody was there. It turns out the party they were planning was for my friend's dog's birthday. FML

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By Jmdezy - 5/4/2016 15:45 - United States

Today, I was drunk and sent my friend a picture of my penis. He edited the picture and put hands and sunglasses on it before sending it to practically everyone I know. FML

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By blondie - 24/3/2009 23:10 - Australia

Today, I was trying to convince my boyfriend that I am NOT a dumb blonde. After screaming at the top of my lungs, I tripped over a bin and hit my head on a wall. FML

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By Ahlph - 20/5/2011 04:43

Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2010 16:35 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling with the lights off. It was 1AM, and I'd just finished watching a scary movie, so I was a little paranoid. I was about to fall asleep, when an eerie light lit the room. I jumped, got tangled in the sheets, and hit my head against the bed frame. Where'd the light come from? Not a space ship. Not someone breaking in. It was my phone. FML

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By kb123 - 5/5/2019 20:00

Today, I'm visiting my wife's home country for the first time. To avoid the spicy street food, I bought something labelled "Fruit salad" from a street vendor. I didn't know even Pakistani fruit salad can be very spicy too. FML

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By concernedcousin - 5/10/2019 12:00

Onan would be proud

Today, my little twelve year-old cousin who is staying with us for a while so his parents can "work out issues" ran into my room, his face ghostly white. He begged me to take him to the hospital because he "tugged" on his penis too much in the shower, and was "bleeding milky stuff." Sigh. FML

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By speechless - 13/7/2013 14:32 - United States - Mitchell

Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my drunk husband standing at the dresser. I asked him what he was doing. "Peeing." I asked him, "In the sock drawer?" There was a pause. "Am I peeing in the wrong drawer?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 21:44 - United States

Today, while in class, I noticed that someone had really bad B.O. I was seated next to an extremely ill-mannered girl, so I figured it was her, and thought to myself that if it happened again, I'd tell her off. Once I got home and took off my jacket, I realized it was me. I forgot to put on deodorant. FML

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By skippy_liz - 26/10/2010 07:48 - United States

Today, I went to the library to pick up Romeo and Juliet, for my English class. After looking around for half an hour, I asked the librarian. "I couldn't find Shakespeare anywhere. Where could I find him?" She quickly replied "He's dead", giggled to herself, and went back to her work. FML

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By kevcng - 10/9/2012 21:20 - United States

Today, I was sitting in on a boring presentation at work. I yawned and shifted in my chair, accidentally sitting on my testicles. I shrieked in pain and spent the next five minutes choking back tears, while my boss told me to shut my mouth and stop fucking around. FML

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By tjm - 23/12/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, after finally getting a job offer after months of unemployment, I found out that the person who was going to hire me got fired. Which means I'm not getting the job. FML

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By nicoleee - 29/3/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML

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By fuck you dad - 30/3/2013 18:17 - Ireland - Carrickmacross

Today, my dad yet again uttered the words "well, that escalated quickly," while watching the news. He uses this godforsaken meme multiple times a day. I lost my shit and told him to just shut up already. He raised an eyebrow and said, "well, that escalated quickly." FML

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By SeeBrendenBurn - 21/11/2009 08:28 - United States

Today, I went to a rock concert and met this amazing girl. We started talking and then swapped cell numbers. Five minutes later, she asks to see my cellphone, so I gave it to her. Once I got home I went to text her and saw that she deleted her number. FML

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By Telley21 - 16/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Rexburg

He had to find out eventually!

Today, I made my boyfriend a beautiful dinner of seafood and rice. This was the first time I could afford lobster, and thought it would be a great treat for us both. I learned that this was the first time he has eaten lobster, and he learned that he is allergic. FML

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By fuck you walmart - 26/4/2013 22:03 - United States

Today, at work, I was screamed at and slapped by a woman for supposedly violating her 2nd Amendment rights. In reality, I'd simply turned her away from the 10 items or less line because she had well over the allowed number of items. I've no fucking idea what's wrong with some people. FML

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By sauve dino. - 25/3/2016 03:12 - France - Groslay

Today, I explained to my five year-old son that the dinosaurs were wiped out because of a meteorite that hit our planet. He replied, "They should've stood out of the way." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2013 21:35 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, for the first time, I told my girlfriend of two months that I love her. She broke down in laughter and mockingly asked, "What are you, some kind of queer?" I could've sworn she was mentally older than a 5-year-old when I asked her out. I guess not. FML

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By Vicky - 26/12/2009 20:47 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend went to kiss me as we were walking home. It was very icy and he slipped. His teeth went through my lip. FML

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By Crushed - 4/11/2016 14:23

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip this weekend so that she won't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

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By dominator152 - 11/6/2010 00:57 - United States

Today, my dad decided that my diploma makes a good pen-tester. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 01:33 - United States

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for the chicken I bought four days ago. I finally found it - not in the refrigerator, not in the freezer, but in the trunk of my car, which now smells like a dead animal. FML

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By Squeak - 7/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Bremerton

It means us! Look at us!

Today, at work I put myself squarely in the lame / old people category when I foolishly asked out loud what FML meant. FML

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By SirDirtyRedD - 25/1/2014 01:03 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML

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By Anza - 29/6/2011 06:12 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum told me that my sister's little kiddie swing wouldn't hold my weight. I told her she was being stupid, and went on anyway. A broken ankle and two pins in my elbow later, I'm willing to accept this. FML

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By ADanceWithDavos - 7/7/2014 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to an old lady right outside my open window, saying "Hello in there! Are you sleepy?" I was so startled that I answered her. She screamed. Turns out she's my neighbour's elderly mother, didn't know I was in there, and was talking to my cat. FML

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By fuckit - 31/1/2009 17:24 - United States

Today, I realized I bought 30 condoms last year. I now have 29. FML

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By prettylady? - 28/10/2012 04:22 - United States

Today, I said "bless you" to a nice man who sneezed on the subway. That nice man has now followed me home and stood outside my apartment complex for two hours, claiming to be my "soulmate." FML

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By clumsylobster - 13/10/2014 21:33 - Australia - Perth

Today, my friends and I went paintballing. The instructor showed us the sound of an unloaded gun by shooting at my face. It wasn't unloaded. FML

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By gumchuck - 5/2/2015 21:03 - United States - Marshall

Today, in an effort to avoid my school's strict no-gum policy as my teacher made a b-line to me, I swallowed it. By the time the teacher reached me, the gum was on my desk, as well as my breakfast, thanks to my overactive gag reflex. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2018 05:00

Today, my 92-year-old great-grandfather ran down the stairs in excitement, despite his severe arthritis. He told my great-grandmother that he was having the first erection in over 10 years, and grandma ordered me to leave so they could do it right there. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2010 19:26 - United States

Today, I walked into work to see my boss's hot son. I wanted him to notice me, so I did my "sexy walk". I then slipped and fell onto my desk, broke my desk, and sprained my wrist. Oh he noticed me alright. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2017 12:00 - United States - Hurricane

Today, at work, I wanted to scare my best friend, who is also my coworker. Thinking that he was cleaning the women's bathroom, I snuck in and right when I was about to scare him, my store director came out of the stall. FML

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By Derpina - 21/12/2011 15:33 - United States

Today, a student came in late to class, and there were only a couple of seats available. I waved her over offering her the seat beside me with the quip, "It's OK, you can sit by me. I don't smell or anything." I realized after she sat down that she actually did. FML

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Top comments

By TrollFeeder | 10

#1391820 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:14

if that helps you that's cool.

By Ahunya | 0

#1391953 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:25

I honestly don't think that it's that bad!?...

COMMENTS

By tehslack | 5

#1391818 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:14

how unfortunate.

Reply

LegitDGK | 0

#1391829 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:15

I notice no1 cares

Reply

panchod1234 | 0

#1391936 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:23

wonder what that's like

Reply

the_flirtt | 0

#1392039 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:33

get friends

Reply

SeduceRecycle | 0

#1392178 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:47

LOL! HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS!!!! 

Reply

anlhawks | 5

#1392202 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:49

uuuhkay that's great op . how bout you don't do that anymore . problemmmo solved ;)

Reply

iSitt | 0

#1392255 - Sunday 12 September 2010 10:00

better than wallowing in self pity

Reply

Ariel_Sian | 0

#1392290 - Sunday 12 September 2010 10:13

*cfbeaner is HOT!

Reply

flotar | 0

#1392386 - Sunday 12 September 2010 10:39

I think this is pretty funny... lol!!!

Reply

Graawr | 7

#1392448 - Sunday 12 September 2010 10:56

Awww you can talk to me op if you want. <3

Reply

Graawr | 7

#1392482 - Sunday 12 September 2010 11:02

Awww op you can talk to me if you want. I'll comfort you if you're lonely. <3

Reply

sdman923 | 0

#1392546 - Sunday 12 September 2010 11:35

I don't know much, but I know this s*** is f***ed up.

Reply

Graawr | 7

#1392560 - Sunday 12 September 2010 11:43

double post sorry.

Reply

BoyFromTheFuture | 0

#1392583 - Sunday 12 September 2010 11:56

at least you give pep talks to yourself. my brain always calls me bad names and says i'm going to grow up to be a nobody.

Reply

RyGan | 0

#1393243 - Sunday 12 September 2010 15:35

Wait .. is that not normal!?

Reply

iluvcucumbers | 0

#1393321 - Sunday 12 September 2010 15:57

^^Yes it is normal. Duh

Reply

TechFire | 25

#1393324 - Sunday 12 September 2010 15:58

#67: I'm lonely too. Will you comfort me? :3

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#1393346 - Sunday 12 September 2010 16:02

Shit on your floor...

Reply

ashboust | 0

#1393572 - Sunday 12 September 2010 16:31

maybe you should see a psychologist ..

Reply

6sick6 | 4

#1394082 - Sunday 12 September 2010 18:04

72, The Offspring.. Epic :)

Reply

Graawr | 7

#1394525 - Sunday 12 September 2010 20:26

89. Yes I'll comfort you if you want. :D

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#2579463 - Saturday 28 May 2011 17:08

whatever floats ur boat 

By TrollFeeder | 10

#1391820 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:14

if that helps you that's cool.

Reply

cfbeaner | 0

#1391941 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:24

everyone does that OP

Reply

neonveins | 0

#1392104 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:38

yeah I do it too. more so in fact after i started my hiatus on twitter (3 weeks & counting)

By ohthebloodygore | 16

#1391822 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:14

Good job, little buddy!

By Filitov | 0

#1391833 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:15

Whatever floats your boat...

Reply

FMLephant | 2

#1392239 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:59

or sinks your ship, depending on the glass half full/empty idea

Reply

EmoOrange | 0

#1393081 - Sunday 12 September 2010 14:54

or tickles you peach

By Reily69 | 0

#1391840 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:15

I am not first.

Reply

sdman923 | 0

#1392502 - Sunday 12 September 2010 11:11

Hey, I used to like Linkin Park when I was 12 too. Now brush your teeth and get off FML, Nick.com would be more age-appropriate. I'm sure you'll love it.

Reply

6sick6 | 4

#1394107 - Sunday 12 September 2010 18:06

I'm liking you more and more, 69

Reply

sdman923 | 0

#1394191 - Sunday 12 September 2010 18:43

Thanks 6sick6, I try. Also, The Offspring are awesome. Oh, and I like how I somehow manage to get post number 69 in like every thread. My post number 69 on this thread was posted at 11:11. I believe I may have won the game.

By MaCOOLiT | 5

#1391857 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:16

how is this fyl? u know wht, fyl!

Reply

sarabellum93 | 0

#1396550 - Monday 13 September 2010 7:26

you should be a comedian.

By ironyisforlosers | 0

#1391867 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:17

Not gonna change the fact that you"ll be FOREVER ALONE.

By LAO_fml | 0

#1391897 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:19

haha what you gettin pepped for?

By xWTF_FML_FTWx | 1

#1391909 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:20

you have a sad life

Reply

EdwardN | 0

#1392512 - Sunday 12 September 2010 11:15

very sad

Reply

Wizardroxx | 3

#1394465 - Sunday 12 September 2010 19:58

Lmao, I like your icon picture.

By FYL4BEINGHERE | 0

#1391930 - Sunday 12 September 2010 9:23

haha sucks 4 y