Miscellaneous: Today, I noticed I give myself pep-talks when I'm lonely. FML - FML

By Anonymous - 12/09/2010 02:31 - United States

Today, I noticed I give myself pep-talks when I'm lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 941

You deserved it 6 005

Triage

Entitled

PTSD FML

Psycho

By Anonymous - 15/08/2021 20:01

Today, I'd never quite realised how nasty my girlfriend was until she hit a kid on a zebra crossing and was more upset that her bumper was dented than the fact an 8 year-old had a broken leg. She was still blaming the kid and demanding his parents pay the damage as he was being put in the ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 366

You deserved it 167

By MrDisgrace - 17/09/2017 13:00

Today, my mom bitched me out in front of my friends because I had my first kiss at "such a young age". She's 15 years older than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 468

You deserved it 349

By whoneedsdumbcars - 14/08/2009 08:29 - United States

Today, at a restaurant, I noticed a really hot girl leaving with her friend. A few minutes later they came back, laughing uncontrollably, and announced that some moron forgot to put on their parking brake and the car was rolling into the full parking lot. It was my car. They watched me chase it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 348

You deserved it 39 640

By nemesis5196523 - 03/12/2013 19:45 - United States - Ogden

Today, I got the ending to Breaking Bad spoiled for me by a cashier while I was buying the final season box-set. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 811

You deserved it 4 249

By AmNot - 05/08/2010 04:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up to the flash of a camera. It was his mother taking pictures of my shoe print on his window sill and night stand. She said she was collecting evidence proving I snuck in through his window last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 727

You deserved it 9 725

By Lovestupid - 03/11/2009 09:25 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I woke up extremely hungover next to a guy I have been in love with for a while but hadn't seen for ages. Turns out he had a bet going with his mates. He bet he could get me to sleep with him straight away even after not calling me for a month. He was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 990

You deserved it 29 022

By omgwtf - 01/06/2019 04:00

Today, I found out my girlfriend had changed my ringtone to some woman moaning with pleasure continuously. I found this out in the middle of a job interview when she rang me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 779

You deserved it 531

Classy

By Anonymous - 22/10/2019 22:00 - France

Today, I've got two family members over to stay. So far, I have found a dirty Q-Tip, a nasty toe nail and had to clean up period blood from toilets, bin, and the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 664

You deserved it 133

By Anonymous - 04/03/2017 14:00

Today, my not-quite-potty-trained toddler niece had a 'wee accident' in my bed. I used towels to mop it up and changed the sheets. Later, I had the bright idea to dry it faster by turning the electric blanket on high. Now my room smells like burned urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 900

You deserved it 6 411

By sadgf - 25/07/2009 04:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came home from being deployed for the past 3 months. As soon as he gets out of the car, he walks right past me and goes to hug his dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 723

You deserved it 8 839

By Anonymous - 03/01/2012 03:47 - United States

Today, I tried exercising. My whole house shook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 497

You deserved it 14 205

By Medic - 29/10/2012 03:10 - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work as an EMT, I was telling a panicked patient that I would be taking her vital signs. I inadvertently said that I would be taking her vital organs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 536

You deserved it 4 315

By Anonymous - 15/05/2013 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me. Apparently I'm not the "classy girl" he thought I was, and he's not comfortable "doing such vile things in public." I had tried to hold his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 800

You deserved it 4 378

By turdburger - 02/09/2009 05:56 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I noticed my wife makes more satisfied groans when she's taking a big dump than she does when we make love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 079

You deserved it 7 050

By kqwarrior - 27/06/2016 03:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at the airport with a cast on my leg, I fell backwards onto my suitcase. My family was too busy to notice my squirming as I tried to get up, so a kind woman awkwardly helped me off the ground. Later on, I found out my dad saw me but thought someone would help me "soon enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 687

You deserved it 929

By Missy - 02/02/2011 18:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I told my mom I broke up with my boyfriend because he wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready. Her reply? "Well, you can't stay a virgin forever." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 080

You deserved it 17 202

By Sonic - 29/03/2019 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss left a lovely invitation to her wedding on my desk. I plan on resigning during our meeting later today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 891

You deserved it 208

Nice guy self-reporting

By Gamaliel - 27/06/2021 22:01

Today, I saw the girl I've had a crush on since forever go on another Facebook rant talking about, “All men are the same!” She does this every time she gets her heart broken by some jerk. I’ve been trying to get with her for about 6 years, and she’s yet to give me the time of day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 444

You deserved it 1 607

By Boredom - 26/01/2009 21:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 698

You deserved it 75 464

By roomingwithevil - 09/05/2012 23:26 - United States - Slinger

Today, I found out who my randomly assigned roommate was. Out of 10,000+ people, I just happen to get assigned a girl who threatened to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 669

You deserved it 2 050

By bad_luck_chuck - 04/12/2017 15:00

Today, I got a Samsung Galaxy and opened the box to see a cracked screen. I showed the clerk and she said I must have dropped it. I hadn't moved since she handed me the box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 725

You deserved it 191

By Terri-Lynn - 30/05/2012 20:25 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I figured out why my doctor repeatedly warned me to keep regular bowel movements while I recover from childbirth. I now have an anal fissure. It's like giving birth all over again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 698

You deserved it 4 398

By Anonymous - 14/08/2019 00:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I was arrested for a crime that happened 27 years ago. I'm only 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 474

You deserved it 122

By whyme_ss - 23/02/2010 22:10 - United States

Today, I got into my boyfriends car having to pee really badly. I accidentally peed everywhere. He kicked me out. I had to walk four miles home in 20 degree weather. In wet clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 072

You deserved it 45 169

By Anonymous - 27/08/2013 07:21 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I got in a heated fight and ended up being punched in the jaw. The fight was about Harry Potter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 760

You deserved it 21 169

That ship has sailed

By Anonymous - 20/08/2020 17:03

Today, I realized there’s no point in maintaining a friendship of 20 years. I stopped texting my friend three weeks ago and he never noticed. I texted him daily for at least the past ten years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 421

You deserved it 224

Mortified

By Anonymous - 18/11/2020 01:08 - United States - Joplin

Spicy

Today, I bought my first ever vibrator after months of wanting one. Apparently, I bought a cheap product, because it broke and started going off by itself later. It shook my whole dresser while my best friend and I were in the room. I couldn't get it to shut off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 001

You deserved it 220

By Ballhugger - 06/12/2009 20:42 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. I woke up to an excruciating pain coming from my genitalea. It turns out that I was having nightmares and I squeezed my balls because I was so terrified. I popped 3 blood vessels in my scrotum and now walk with a limp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 457

You deserved it 11 094

By NeverEscaping - 03/02/2013 00:52 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I decided at age 18 that it's time to put into storage the picture books that have been collecting dust in my room for nearly a decade. My mother took this as a sign that I'm planning to move out and abandon her forever, and has been crying for the last four hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 962

You deserved it 2 910

By Anonymous - 19/05/2009 08:40 - Canada

Today, I was in my Cosmetic Application class, and we were about to apply foundation to our models. I walk over to my friend and say "Wow, that foundation is really orange and blotchy." Then the model turns to me and says "Actually, we haven't started yet... that's just my skin." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 899

You deserved it 58 246

By Landlocked - 06/05/2019 02:00

Today, my dad thought it would be a good idea to show my 5-year-old son a documentary about Hurricane Katrina. My son is now terrified of hurricanes. We live in Utah. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 679

You deserved it 189

By aloneagainnaturally - 28/11/2015 11:35 - Denmark - S?borg

Today, we were all put in groups to make a presentation together. And by "together" I mean I pulled an all nighter to finish it by myself. My group criticized my work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 401

You deserved it 2 111

Doggy dog world

By corgi problems - 15/09/2020 20:05

Today, I walked into my house after my nightshift as a nurse and my corgi had the house turned upside down, with things everywhere. I have people coming to look at the house in 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 117

You deserved it 248

By Anonymous - 22/01/2016 19:31 - United States - Cloquet

Today, my shitburglar of an ex asked me to take him back. He said dumping me was a huge mistake. He dumped me because I was bed-ridden for several weeks and was in no condition to have sex. If his social media is anything to go by, he only wants me back because he couldn't get laid elsewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 217

You deserved it 1 553

By Anonymous - 01/07/2013 16:10 - United States - Provo

Today, I found my cat dead on the road. I called my family and told them, and later buried the cat. Not long after I got done burying it, my cat walked up to me. I buried someone else's cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 210

You deserved it 11 154

By Idle_Twin - 17/05/2015 17:53 - United States - Miami

Today, I was finishing my chest workout at the gym when this really cute girl started using the machine next to me. To impress her, I tried lifting a lot of weight on the barbell. It ended up landing on my neck and she had to help me get it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 902

You deserved it 33 258

First Impression

By Katy3225 - 06/06/2018 15:00 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, it was my first day teaching economics to a university class of 150. For the first 5 minutes, a bunch of students snickered. I asked why. One said, "Your zipper's open, but it doesn't matter because your blue panties are showing through your white pants anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 508

You deserved it 1 638

By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 07:04 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that every time he has sex with me he thinks about some mutant bunny chick from "Final Fantasy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 056

You deserved it 4 107

By ToddesPizza - 20/08/2015 01:00 - United States - Coos Bay

Today, I haven't shaved for so long the hair on my legs has split ends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 543

You deserved it 11 559

PANIC

By Anonymous - 29/12/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, I woke up from a nap and thought I felt somebody's arm in my bed. I frantically start hitting it and start screaming. I soon realized it was my own arm. I'd fallen asleep on it, and it was completely numb, I couldn't feel a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 346

You deserved it 11 872

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:14

if that helps you that's cool.

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:25

I honestly don't think that it's that bad!?...

Comments

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:14

how unfortunate.

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:15

I notice no1 cares

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:23

wonder what that's like

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:33

get friends

SeduceRecycle 0

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:47

LOL! HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS!!!! 

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:49

uuuhkay that's great op . how bout you don't do that anymore . problemmmo solved ;)

iSitt 0

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Sunday 12 September 2010 10:00

better than wallowing in self pity

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Sunday 12 September 2010 10:13

*cfbeaner is HOT!

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Sunday 12 September 2010 10:39

I think this is pretty funny... lol!!!

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Sunday 12 September 2010 10:56

Awww you can talk to me op if you want. <3

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Sunday 12 September 2010 11:02

Awww op you can talk to me if you want. I'll comfort you if you're lonely. <3

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Sunday 12 September 2010 11:35

I don't know much, but I know this s*** is f***ed up.

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Sunday 12 September 2010 11:43

double post sorry.

BoyFromTheFuture 0

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Sunday 12 September 2010 11:56

at least you give pep talks to yourself. my brain always calls me bad names and says i'm going to grow up to be a nobody.

RyGan 0

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Sunday 12 September 2010 15:35

Wait .. is that not normal!?

iluvcucumbers 0

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Sunday 12 September 2010 15:57

^^Yes it is normal. Duh

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Sunday 12 September 2010 15:58

#67: I'm lonely too. Will you comfort me? :3

KingDingALing 9

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Sunday 12 September 2010 16:02

Shit on your floor...

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Sunday 12 September 2010 16:31

maybe you should see a psychologist ..

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Sunday 12 September 2010 18:04

72, The Offspring.. Epic :)

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Sunday 12 September 2010 20:26

89. Yes I'll comfort you if you want. :D

tellithowitis 13

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Saturday 28 May 2011 17:08

whatever floats ur boat 

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:14

if that helps you that's cool.

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:24

everyone does that OP

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:38

yeah I do it too. more so in fact after i started my hiatus on twitter (3 weeks & counting)

ohthebloodygore 16

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:14

Good job, little buddy!

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:15

Whatever floats your boat...

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:59

or sinks your ship, depending on the glass half full/empty idea

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Sunday 12 September 2010 14:54

or tickles you peach

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:15

I am not first.

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Sunday 12 September 2010 11:11

Hey, I used to like Linkin Park when I was 12 too. Now brush your teeth and get off FML, Nick.com would be more age-appropriate. I'm sure you'll love it.

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Sunday 12 September 2010 18:06

I'm liking you more and more, 69

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Sunday 12 September 2010 18:43

Thanks 6sick6, I try. Also, The Offspring are awesome. Oh, and I like how I somehow manage to get post number 69 in like every thread. My post number 69 on this thread was posted at 11:11. I believe I may have won the game.

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:16

how is this fyl? u know wht, fyl!

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Monday 13 September 2010 7:26

you should be a comedian.

ironyisforlosers 0

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:17

Not gonna change the fact that you"ll be FOREVER ALONE.

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:19

haha what you gettin pepped for?

xWTF_FML_FTWx 1

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:20

you have a sad life

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Sunday 12 September 2010 11:15

very sad

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Sunday 12 September 2010 19:58

Lmao, I like your icon picture.

FYL4BEINGHERE 0

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:23

haha sucks 4 y

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 5

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49

You deserved it 12

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 66

You deserved it 1 329

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 181