Work: Today, I needed to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone had...

By lopez - France

Today, I needed to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone had left work, I decided that, since I AM a Jedi, my penis ought to be my lightsaber. All of a sudden I hear a familiar voice: "At least someone is having fun!" It was my boss. FML

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Work

Death at one's elbow

Catching up

Be prepared

By allalone - United States

Today, I put the vacuum cleaner hose against my neck to give me a hickey, so that it would look like I got some action. FML

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By jadkins - Netherlands

Today, I was flirting with this cute girl from Croatia who is part of the my exchange group in Holland. After a few beers and some smooth talking, she led me inside to a closed off room. We were about to have sex when her boyfriend of 2 years called and proposed to her. FML

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By W T F - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I gave my girlfriend a hickey barely an inch from her vagina. She texted me later, saying her dad saw it and had grounded her. So yeah, I'm not sure I even want to know what the hell goes on in their house. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my boyfriend keeps trying to convince me that the hickey on his neck was from his friend attacking him with a vacuum cleaner. FML

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4382

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By all by myself - Ireland - Cork

Today, I decided to go to a therapy group to help with my anxiety and to meet people who felt similar. I joked with my friend that no one would turn up as people might feel anxious about going. I was right. I was the only one there. FML

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By Nanny - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. I asked her, "Do you got your bag?" And she said, "No. I have my bag. Babies say got. I'm a big girl." I am 20 years old and in the honors program in my college. I was corrected by a 4 year-old with a speech impediment. FML

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By smalltownkid - United States - Houston

Today, I moved to a big city, alone, from a small town. After convincing myself it wasn't that scary, I hailed my first cab. The driver spent the 30 minute ride from the airport telling me about how "sometimes, you just gotta shoot a guy" because if they steal your shoes, they deserve it. FML

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By SheenaL - United States

Today, my son is going through a rebellious phase. He's taken to wearing leather and chains, listening to death metal music all day in his room alone, and screaming at me in public places. He was fired from his part-time job for swearing at customers. My son is 29 years old. FML

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By nolove - Australia

Today, the love of my life, and long term partner, sat me down and told me that he feels so comfortable in our relationship that he no longer feels the need to have sex with me, and he doesn't think that that will ever change. FML

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By TragicallyAnxious

Today, I had a draft paper due that I hadn’t written yet. I decided to skip the class to avoid embarrassment. Later, I went to change my major and was told to go to room 223 to talk to the English department head. I knocked on the door and the professor whose class I'd skipped answered. FML

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By Morgan Jones

Today, I went to work at my new job, where I thought it would be super easy because I shop there all the time, and already know where everything is. Turns out, they're remodelling the store, so I don't know where anything is anymore, and the bosses get mad at me for being too slow. FML

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1454

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only person who remembered was my dad who got me a phone charger for my car, which I didn't even need because he got me the same exact thing last year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Maries

Today, my mother and grandmother informed me that my sixteen-year-old dog died. I was standing in Wal-Mart at the time. They then yelled at me because crying in public is "inappropriate." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I tried acid for the first time while camping with my best friend. A drunk driver smashed into my car, leaving it totaled. I had to explain the situation to a cop all while thinking my car was bleeding green ooze. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I and several housemates have food poisoning. From what? Last night's Subway, which we only got to avoid eating the pork that was possibly bad as none of us wanted to be sick. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I uttered the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black" in class. Moments later, I'd been called a "racist twerp" and kicked out of class by the same English teacher who once tried to have another kid suspended for using the word "titillate", because apparently it's "pornographic". FML

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By cookie_lover_xx - United States - Chandler

Today, my mom ended up having a midlife crisis. She decided it was finally time to get those tight leather pants that she has always wanted, and is now planning on putting a stripper pole in her room. FML

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By brokebitch

Today, being a broke college student struggling to make ends meet, I decided to sign up for a sugar daddy website. The first person to message me was my high school history teacher. FML

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By brebis - France

Today, when I threw away my cigarette out of the car window, the wind blew it back in again. My trousers got completely burnt. FML

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By Bobby M - Ireland

Today, I got circumcised by my zipper. FML

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By penguinsfan - Canada

Today, I had to pee badly. I went into a stall and sat down. Only until after I'd peed, I realized that I didn't have any toilet paper. I waddled to the next stall with my pants down to get more toilet paper, believing that the bathroom was empty. It wasn't. FML

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By Sonotsuave - United States - Arlington

Today, my now ex-friend told me she had feelings for my ex and was also choosing him over our friendship, despite being fully aware of the crazy rollercoaster our relationship was and being there to hear every detail of the trauma. She classily told me at random, in a public mall. People suck. FML

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By wtfmom - United States - Clanton

Today, I told my mom that I got into National Honor Society and Beta Club. Most parents are proud but not her. She told me to get a job and that she was tired of my school shit. FML

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By dating a big bag of dicks - United States

Today, while driving out to the countryside with my new boyfriend, we came across a deer lying in the road. It seemed badly hurt, but instead of letting me get out and make sure, my boyfriend decided to just run over its head to finish it off, then continued driving with a smirk on his face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Bruno

Today, I told my boyfriend I was horny and was waiting for him at my place. 30 minutes later, he still hadn't arrived, so I called him and asked if he was coming. He replied "Already did, right into a kleenex." and hung up. FML

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By shilpajayseanfan - Canada

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

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By fuckingtrollingskankwhoreshitwankcuntfuck - United States - Enfield

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when a girl came out of nowhere, screaming at me for cheating on her, and saying she was dumping me. I've never seen her before, and she was almost grinning during her little act, but my girlfriend believed it, and I'm now single. FML

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By SadIndianLife - India - Delhi

Today, my girlfriend's mother is more into me than she is. FML

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By f-ugly - United States

Today, I was freshening up my makeup in the car before a date. An old lady walked by and said through my open window, "Don't bother. There's no helping you, honey." FML

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By Forever Alone

Hashtag ForeverAlone

Today, I was so happy to hear my phone go "Ding" that I jumped for joy out of my couch. It was actually a character on my TV getting a text. FML

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By lumi - United States

Today, I received in the mail a hockey puck autographed by recent hall of fame addition Steve Yzerman. When asked, I had to explain to my 4 year old brother that someone famous had written his name on it. Later, I discovered that my brother decided it needed his name on it too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was stood up on a date. Her excuse? "I had to work out." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going on a dinner date with a girl I had just met. After I picked her up I asked her if she would like to get lobster. She looked at me and asked if those were the red ones. Confused I nodded. She replied, "Sorry, I don't eat red meat." I laughed. She was serious. FML

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By badteacher - United States

Today, while I was substitute teaching a middle school class, a boy, named Chris, refused to get in the boy's line for the bathroom. After I had said, "Chris, what makes you think you're a girl?" in a very loud voice, one of the other students said "She is a girl." I've scarred a child for life. FML

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By SKG95

Today, I had a flight to Philadelphia, but it got canceled due to bad weather. I booked another, which got delayed. After waiting for almost 12 hours at the airport, I boarded, just to have a super annoying toddler kicking my seat from behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By greasyhair - United States

Today, I finally figured out why my 5 year old daughter washes her hair everyday. It's because she doesn't want to have "yucky greasy" hair like her mommy. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Checked out

Today, I went to Walmart to purchase a pregnancy test. I chose my checkout line carefully, to make sure I didn't see anyone I knew. After choosing one, I realized it was 4 o'clock on the dot. Shift change. My mom's best friend took over the shift just as I reached the checkout. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By americanbln - United States

Today, it's my boyfriend's birthday. His sister and I filled the air vents in his car with confetti so when he starts the car, it would blow all over him. In the process we lost the keys. The keys cost $200 to replace. Happy Birthday! FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By squishyboy - New Zealand

Today, I weighed myself for the first time in a while and confirmed that I have put on a few pounds. I was feeling a bit down about it. I went to work and on arriving a workmate I hadn't seen in a while gave me a hug. She said, 'I love hugging you, you're so nice and squishy.' FML

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By JoanT - 20/10/2020 11:08

Hangry

Today, while petting one of the goats we have, the other one was jealous so it ripped out a chunk of my hair. FML

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Top comments

By Lifedoutcobra | 0

#176546 - Thursday 7 May 2009 10:20

Hahahah he was in the fucking bathroom man, hows that his fault. Its not like he was waving the shit from cubical to cubical

By Easy_Target | 0

#6051 - Monday 23 February 2009 23:17

Damn it, Lopez, you have like seven of these about work, what the hell have you been doing?!

COMMENTS

By lewalrus | 4

#1756 - Friday 13 February 2009 4:41

#1, that was funny !

fah_Q | 0

#973632 - Saturday 3 April 2010 17:11

@22, shut up, not everyone grows up to be boring, op can be a immature freak and still make more money than you, we aint all the same.

MeLlamoMaddie | 0

#1028022 - Friday 11 June 2010 19:01

Bahaha I would love to meet yur boss

Quidikic | 9

#1487209 - Saturday 2 October 2010 20:08

44, I'll let you play with my light saber.

By Easy_Target | 0

#6051 - Monday 23 February 2009 23:17

Damn it, Lopez, you have like seven of these about work, what the hell have you been doing?!

Toolishing | 22

#6071028 - Monday 22 September 2014 4:24

Not working, obviously.

By JaneInk | 0

#20877 - Sunday 8 March 2009 5:21

One of the funniest things I've read on here!

By tbeaun | 0

#24041 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 8:48

Does your boss have a voice like James Earl Jones?

By pinkfrenchrose | 5

#30980 - Saturday 14 March 2009 6:03

LOL

By jarofarts | 0

#31113 - Saturday 14 March 2009 10:19

wow.

By Zyoid | 0

#48785 - Sunday 22 March 2009 1:31

hahahaha...nerd

By xXmoses_rocksXx | 0

#117911 - Friday 17 April 2009 2:43

well who whips their dick out at work? like, seriously, wtf? totally tour own fault O.o

pipp360 | 0

#934820 - Thursday 11 March 2010 4:35

@9 I can tell that ir a bitch by looking at ur picture. but you must also be fucking retarded! he was in the bathroom when this happened. he wasn't in his fucking cubicle