Miscellaneous: Today, I moved into my new house. The previous occupants failed... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I moved into my new house. The previous occupants failed to tell me that they'd recently kicked out their crazy crackhead son, who seems to think they've paid me to pretend that they've moved out and that I'm the new owner. He wants back in. FML

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On the ball

Shark-infested offices

Thanks Felicia

By Anonymous - United States - Inglewood

Today, I tried to be cute by sitting on top of my boyfriend's belly. While getting on top, I accidentally kneed him in his nuts. In pain, he jolted his head up and ended up banging his head against mine. Now I have a black eye and he can't walk without waddling. FML

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By missedout - United States - York

Today, while my mother-in-law visited, I asked if she wouldn't mind watching my son for 10 minutes as I had run out of baby shampoo. I came back home to see she had shaved his head completely bald. That was his very first haircut. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2020 01:57

I mean…

Today, I finally noticed that my new coworker, with whom I have to share an office, starts every sentence with, "I mean…", then a pause, then says whatever he has to say. I can't un-notice it now, and it's like hearing nails on a chalkboard. FML

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By imaginary coelacanth - 20/12/2020 14:02

Weirdo alert

Today, a customer came into the store I work at to ask why I hadn't killed myself yet. A month prior, that same customer told me to kill myself. All I did was compliment her shirt. FML

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By jsmills92 - United States - Cranston

Today, I once again walked in on my husband eating our cat's food. FML

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By Bitch

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I was cheating on him. Surprised, I replied "No, Tim, of course not!" This might have been more convincing if I'd called my boyfriend by his own name, instead of the name of the guy I'm cheating on him with. FML

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By 9inchsofty

Today, I took my truck through an automatic car wash. During the wash, the bristles on one of the automatic scrubbers ripped my metal antenna off of my car. The antenna was stuck spinning around in the scrubber, smacking and scratching the entire side of my car, top to bottom. FML

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By Starter656

Today, I'm the designated driver for a Christmas party I wasn't even invited to. Not only do I get to watch people have a good time, but I'm also supposed to not get involved in the party. FML

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By LeoCor

Today, and for the past 2 weeks, I've had a massive pain in my throat. It went down for a while with antibiotics, but when it came back I had to go to the hospital for an emergency surgery. There was a 3cm abscess growing in my throat. Happy birthday to me! FML

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By humbug - United States - Broomfield

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has been paying her half of the rent by taking my ATM card and getting money from my account. FML

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By Tag - Australia

Today, my psychotic, very jealous ex-boyfriend appeared out of nowhere and punched a male store clerk who was helping me look for azaleas in a garden center. FML

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By bmonehh - United States

Today, I met my wife's other husband. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. My boyfriend noticed that every time I'm about to climax, I hit my head on something. Whether it's a wall or his face. FML

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By Aric - 8/10/2020 05:01

Thanks Felicia

Today, I arrived at the airport two and a half hours early because I was expecting it to be busy. The line was long but I had plenty of time, until a woman complained about a fee for checked bags. I was next in line, and still managed to miss my flight because the woman caused such a big scene. FML

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By catlady - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom when I was undressing to get into the shower. I realized that he was the only male to have seen me naked in the past two months. Then he started scratching the door for me to let him out. FML

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By gottacatchemall - United States

Today, I tried to lose my virginity to my boyfriend of a year. We're almost twenty. In the end, we both chickened out and played Pokémon instead. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching and moving around and saying "oh yeah" then he said "take that bitch". I looked up to see he was only excited about how he is domination in Call of Duty 4. FML

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By _schaden_freude - United Kingdom - Ashford

Today, my boyfriend's dad came onto me. I was shocked and awkwardly tried to exit the situation. My boyfriend then sprang out and started shouting at me. Apparently, it was a "test" to see if I would still be attracted to him in 30 years. I failed. What. The. Fuck. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Markham

Today, my brother finally paid me the $60 he owed me. I later found out that he'd stolen those $60 from my wallet. FML

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By Mr. E

Today, as I was teaching my 10th grade biology honors class, a student came in with a dead frog and asked if we could dissect it. He tried to toss it to me and missed, so it landed in a girl's lap. She threw up all over me. FML

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By well i'm fucked - United States - Aberdeen

Today, my girlfriend of three weeks basically threatened to kill herself if I don't start thinking about having a child with her soon. FML

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By UglyFace - United Kingdom

Today, my parents told me they'd be willing to pay for me to get a nose job. I asked them what was wrong with my nose, and they said nothing, it's just not the kind of nose they'd prefer to feature in our Christmas photos. FML

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By fuck fof and die dad - Germany - Kiel

Today, I've tried to have a quiet jack off four times, only for my dad to knock on my bedroom door within seconds and say "STOP IT." every single time. Now I'm too paranoid to even function. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I bought my niece a plush My Little Pony figure for her birthday. Only after she unwrapped it did I realize that it was meant to be a sex toy for grown men. FML

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By Luke - United States - San Antonio

Today, after all of the business cards for the car dealership that I work for were printed, the phone number was wrong, and the lady got so pissed about getting so many calls that she told them that they had won a free car. I had to tell dozens of ecstatic customers that they hadn't. FML

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By madeyoulaugh - United States

Today, I was watching my 7 year old daughter and her friend jump on our trampoline. I was really impressed by all the flips they were doing, and I told her "Hey! I can't even do that." To that her friend replied " Of course you can't. You're fat!" FML

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By failure461 - United States

Today, I ruined my computer screen trying to kill a fly. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was running late for my morning gym class. I grabbed a near-empty drink bottle on my way out, intending to fill it up at the gym. Mid-workout, I reached for my bottle and took a big mouthful as I headed over to fill it up. To my great surprise, it was not water but straight vodka. FML

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By SadDad - United States - Alexandria

Today, I came home to find my eight-year-old son had basically set fire to the kitchen, after trying to practice some kind of stupid shit he'd seen on TV called "fire bending." FML

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By Grounded - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going on a date tonight. She laughed and didn't believe me. When I tried to convince her it was real, she got mad and grounded me for lying. I had to cancel the date. FML

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By annie

Today, my mother-in-law visited. She saw my 5-year-old son rip open a chip bag, causing chips go everywhere. She got up in his face and started screaming at him about how he has an "attitude problem". He doesn't, he's autistic and genuinely has trouble with food packaging. FML

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I will always be in her thought

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

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By dumbbb - United States

Today, I tried to open the door with my mouth because my hands were full. I chipped a tooth. FML

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By Jman212 - United States - New Braunfels

Today, my work-mandated anger management therapist gave me some sage advice: "Get a new job." FML

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By AGeeksWife - United States - Saukville

Today, I learned that I'm expecting twins. A boy and a girl. My husband, upon finding out about this, immediately suggested that we give them Star Wars names. But not Luke and Leia. Oh no. He wants to name them Darth and Vayda. And he is absolutely serious about this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to re-take an hour long MRI scan because I got an erection midway through. FML

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By infortunatename - United States

Today, I won a big raffle. However, my name is so ridiculous-sounding that they thought someone was playing a prank, and pulled a different ticket. I was too embarrassed to say anything. FML

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By ForeverAlone - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, I emotionally confessed to the guy I like. His English isn't that good, so he asked me to repeat it several times. He ended up telling me no. FML

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By stelssy - United States

Today, while reading in the bath, I accidentally switched the shower on. Not wanting my book to get soaked, I threw it out of the tub. When I got out of the tub later, I found it had landed squarely in the toilet. FML

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By AmberKCole - United States

Today, the car in front of me was going slow and I flashed my lights and honked. I floored it and passed the car, flipping off the driver. Just as I went around the next corner I got pulled over by a motorcycle cop. A few seconds later, the guy I flipped off drove by honked and waved. FML

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Top comments

By whaime | 10

#5941917 - Monday 12 May 2014 1:39

Time to call the police! lol

By rocker_chick23 | 27

#5941919 - Monday 12 May 2014 1:39

Call the police.

COMMENTS

By whaime | 10

#5941917 - Monday 12 May 2014 1:39

Time to call the police! lol

Reply

silvercamaro | 22

#5941985 - Monday 12 May 2014 2:16

Or just call the parents, they could probably straighten everything out for OP. Of that doesn't work then yes, call the cops

Reply

PIGaming | 21

#5942121 - Monday 12 May 2014 5:15

"Better call Saul!"

Reply

Ghosty546 | 16

#5942178 - Monday 12 May 2014 6:45

@21 if he's a crackhead he's probably not in the best state of mind to listen to reason.

Reply

PageantGirlXOXO | 16

#5942196 - Monday 12 May 2014 7:09

21: Unless they moved out to avoid their son. Which is shitty for OP. You can't reason with crackheads very well.

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5943241 - Tuesday 13 May 2014 6:48

They say you are the company you keep...

By rocker_chick23 | 27

#5941919 - Monday 12 May 2014 1:39

Call the police.

Reply

Demig0d6 | 14

#5942205 - Monday 12 May 2014 7:31

Or et him in and becomes friends

Reply

ThatPlankton | 15

#5942400 - Monday 12 May 2014 14:40

Crackhead (E.T.) phone home.

By Kiki242 | 19

#5941920 - Monday 12 May 2014 1:39

Call the police if he doesn't leave you alone.

By KingLewisII | 34

#5941921 - Monday 12 May 2014 1:40

Well, home is where you make it

Reply

UnicornFarts | 15

#5942044 - Monday 12 May 2014 3:42

You like to see homos naked.

Reply

s7evin | 12

#5942230 - Monday 12 May 2014 8:36

You like to see homos naked??

By STEALTHHUNTER88 | 13

#5941924 - Monday 12 May 2014 1:40

Home is where the crackhead breaks in!

By Tdrizzzzzly | 19

#5941933 - Monday 12 May 2014 1:45

He probably left his stash in one of the air vents. Just give it back!

By psycheiris13 | 20

#5941935 - Monday 12 May 2014 1:48

No wonder they didn't tell you! Haha but seriously you don't have to put up with him in any way, it's your house and if he doesn't stop get the police involved.

By omggitshaley_ | 9

#5941937 - Monday 12 May 2014 1:48

Sounds like something from Breaking Bad..

Reply

vramzee | 3

#5959668 - Thursday 29 May 2014 15:53

my first thought

By TvSmith | 8

#5941939 - Monday 12 May 2014 1:49

Notify the previous occupants if you can and the police

By kurodansei | 16

#5941946 - Monday 12 May 2014 1:50

give him a forwarding address?