Intimacy: Today, I moved into my new apartment. As I sat in my living room... - FML

By curtain buyer - United States - Albany

Today, I moved into my new apartment. As I sat in my living room watching Netflix, I found out that my window has an excellent view of my new neighbors, who just so happen to like to shag with the blinds open. I guess I'll be buying some curtains. FML

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Sorry…

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Storfors

Today, my brother tried to convince me to get a clitoris piercing at his recently opened piercing studio. FML

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By Pika

Today, in the midst of an interview, I was asked what my best qualities are. I panicked and quickly responded that I can make a great Pikachu impression. They wanted to hear it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling super nervous about driving because I had my first accident the day before. As I stopped at a red light, I got rear-ended. FML

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By

Today, I was stuck in a window seat next to the biggest/angriest man I've ever seen. During the trip I reached down to pick up what I thought was my pillow but instead managed to pull off his huge sock. Couldn't put it back so had to pretend I had no idea why he was glaring at me when he woke up. FML

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By medik - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's parents house for dinner. This was the first time I was meeting them, so I bought a $70 bottle of red wine to try and impress them. I tried to be smooth while popping the cork. I did, but the bottle slipped and red wine poured onto their white carpet. FML

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By Minecraftwhyyy - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I reached that point in our relationship where just a simple phone conversation was too boring. His idea to spice things up? Playing Minecraft together. FML

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By Caqtusmonkey - United States - Arlington

Today, I heard my dog chewing on something. I called her over, held out my hand, and told her to drop it. She dropped it into my hand, and I was proud of her. That was until I realized it was cat poop. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a mall. A woman stopped by me, said slowly and loudly, in Spanish "baño?" Knowing a bit of Spanish, I nodded and pointed the restrooms out for her. She then mutters about "dang Mexicans and their inability to speak English". I'm not even Latina. I'm Irish-American. FML

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By ali - United States - Livingston

Today, I was having an argument with my girlfriend in front of our friends. I didn't want her to spoil my good time, so I ignored her until she disappeared. She re-appeared thirty minutes later just to throw a punch that would make Muhammad Ali jealous. Our friends' reaction? They clapped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my high school graduation. Because our school colors were red, black and white, and our principal looked somewhat like Hitler, the senior class prank was to salute him when he finished his speech. I was the only one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend called my parents to let them know I broke up with him. He was sobbing. FML

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By argh - United States

Today, I'm staying with my mother for a week. Every time I eat something, she tells me that it's "swimsuit season" and that I need to eat less. Every time I say I'm not hungry, she panics and insists I have an eating disorder. I can't win. FML

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By ReayHorse

Today, I ran into an old couple everyone has been avoiding in my small town. Four weeks ago, they accidentally posted a picture of their pierced junk on Facebook, and I was one of the unlucky people who saw the actual picture. I can't make eye contact with them anymore. FML

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By ilovemymomma - United States - Hereford

Just a prank, bro!

Today, my friends switched my mom and my girlfriend's numbers in my phone. I sexted my mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Exeter

Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

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By doodler - United States - Hurst

Subconscious

Today, I was doodling randomly during a meeting at work, and I noticed my drawing was beginning to look a bit like a penis. A coworker was eyeing it so I tried to make it something else by adding... oh good, now it's a penis and balls. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was crocheting while watching television, and thinking to myself how proud I was that I taught myself to crochet. Then, an episode of Golden Girls came on, and I watched that while I crocheted. I'm 24. FML

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By oldsoulyoungbody - United States

Today, I realized that my husband and I are at that point in our marriage where "sleeping together" means scooting closer to each other in the bed. FML

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By Hmmmm - United States - Cleveland

Today, I was made aware that my teenage son used "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter" as a reference point in a class debate as if it was a biopic. Oh dear. FML

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By ge fu yo twa

Today, after house sitting for my future father-in-law and managing to keep things spotless for 3 weeks, a pipe burst. It flooded the place and shorted out a plug socket, causing a fire that ruined the front room. He gets home in 3 hours. I'm screwed. FML

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By DeeElleGee - Canada

Today, at my work, I was ringing though a kid's purchase. I try to be friendly with the kids and when he handed me his cash I said "Thank you, sir!" in a playful manner. He then turns to his mom and says "Mom, why does everyone think I am a boy?". FML

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By Gore - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was going to record a song I wrote for my dad, who I haven't spoke to in a couple of years. After getting things together, I called my mom to let her know I'd be doing this. She informed me he died. A year ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took some friends out to the woods to show them a natural spring. I explained to them that the water bubbles up from under ground, and that it's clean and tasty. I bent down and drank a few hefty handfuls only to look up and see a dead raccoon floating near me. FML

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By MrTandy - United States

Today, I was working when I delivered the standard "Hello, how are you?" to a customer. He took the opportunity to tell me about his deceased wife, his estranged children, and his anal tearing. After a while, I tried to help someone else, and he complained to my manager. I was written up. FML

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By twoheadedboy - Canada

Today, I got industrial toilet cleaner in my eyes. Despite the raging fire party going on behind my eyelids, I resisted the urge to stop, drop, and roll, and calmly got in the shower to wash it off. Wherein I promptly slipped, fell, and whacked my head full-force on the bathtub on the way down. FML

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By Keesha - 18/3/2021 19:30 - United States - Loveland

Kinky

Today, my mother bitched at me for spending $200 on a new clothes I needed for my new job as a bank teller. I then received a notification on my phone that my mother's lingerie order was shipped. She spent $800 on teddies and crotchless panties. FML

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By Soon2beexhr

Today, my boss tested a candidate for my current position while I was out of the office. How did I find out? I work in HR and the test results were sent to my email. The reason I was out was to have emergency surgery. Now I get to recover and job search at the same time. FML

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By Juancames3

Saboteur!

Today, after spending all night packing for my 5am flight to Brazil, my cat peed all over my open suitcase. FML

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By Anonymous

Trumped

Today, I decided to get a spray tan. I'm now more orange than the current president of the United States. FML

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By lonely dreams - United States - Reno

Today, I have been single and out of the game for so long that instead of having real wet dreams, I now dream about jacking off. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 23:02 - United States

OK, bye then

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years sprung the news that he had gotten a new job across the country and would be moving immediately. With his wife and children. First I'm hearing about them. FML

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By you+me-clothes=53>< - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I don't know why, but my mind wandered. He now thinks that he has the skills of a porn star, while I'm pretty sure that finally solving a mathematical problem I've been working on for a week caused me to orgasm. FML

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By purple - France

Today, I went to a camp my friend invited me to, thinking we'd just be roasting marshmallows all day and hanging out outside. Nope. It was a soul searching, "get closer to Jesus" camp. The first five hours were spent repeatedly praying and singing. I'm not a Christian. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally hit rock bottom when I broke down in tears because I forgot to feed my cats in Neko Atsume. FML

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By Mr Eek

Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

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By FirstKiss - Canada

Today, I had my first kiss at a party. Later, I was told that the guy had been dared to kiss the ugliest girl in the room. FML

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By IhateThem - United States

Today, I found out that my neighbors' 9 year old son has been the one taking a shit on my doorstep everyday. Why? Because Cartman from South Park said that if you keep doing it, the person in the house will move. FML

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By Katrina - 22/9/2020 20:02 - United States - Phoenix

People are dingdongs

Today, a guest came to the front desk and pretended to have a gun under his shirt while demanding passes to the water park. He was shocked when I had security remove him - he thought it was a funny joke. FML

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By Uknowwh - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend and the guy I had a crush on for 2 years are getting married. The worst part is that they've been dating for 2 years in secret, and just came out about it now. I've been telling her for 2 years how much I like him, and she's encouraged me the whole time. FML

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By ugh - United States - Milford

Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML

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Top comments

By dawood_k | 27

#6226387 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:20

Be honest...
How long did you watch them go at it

By jarrettd | 27

#6226390 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:22

Or, you could stand at the window and make the face that my profile pic makes. Once someone sees this look through their window they'll buy you and themselves new curtains.

COMMENTS

By fsomelife | 26

#6226381 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:16

And brain bleach. And new eyes.

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#6228592 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 9:11

What if their hot? That's a free show! Haha.

By CThomp48 | 10

#6226383 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:16

And some therapy.

By MegaExplosives | 17

#6226384 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:17

Hopefuly they don't have any super awkward kinks.

By WCARlover | 34

#6226386 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:19

Your neighbors thought that maybe they'd give you more show options D:

By dawood_k | 27

#6226387 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:20

Be honest...
How long did you watch them go at it

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6226823 - Monday 9 March 2015 19:02

And did you pick up any new ideas or techniques?

By Silvermaye | 25

#6226388 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:21

At least you aren't Ross, and your new neighbours are your best friend and sister!

By Steffi3 | 40

#6226389 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:21

Or maybe inform them, so you don't have to sit watching tv with the curtains closed all the times.

By jarrettd | 27

#6226390 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:22

Or, you could stand at the window and make the face that my profile pic makes. Once someone sees this look through their window they'll buy you and themselves new curtains.

Reply

firefox9778 | 20

#6226392 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:23

Or just stare back. Haha

Reply

soulcrusher11 | 16

#6226912 - Monday 9 March 2015 20:30

best idea ever. lol.

By ZY1431 | 24

#6226394 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:24

the smell of bleach in your future i sense.

By hammonds92 | 21

#6226398 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:29

Right...I bet your pretending Netflix add a hustler selection has you pull your chair to the window lol