Intimacy: Today, I moved into my new apartment. As I sat in my living room... - FML

By curtain buyer - United States - Albany

Today, I moved into my new apartment. As I sat in my living room watching Netflix, I found out that my window has an excellent view of my new neighbors, who just so happen to like to shag with the blinds open. I guess I'll be buying some curtains. FML

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You ass!

Money hole

Blabbermouth

By HitbyIce - United States

Today, I was at the theatre watching a movie. There was a lady and a kid behind me. I all of a sudden felt ice hit my head. I turned around and asked the kid to stop, then heard his mom say, "Hit that cow!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I had a theatre performance. I had to put on a lot of makeup for the role, and one of the guys said I looked nice. I smiled and said thanks. Seconds later, I'd been sucker-punched by his girlfriend for "flirting" with her man. FML

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By oops secretary

Today, after I had an excellent one night stand with a guy yesterday, I saw him at work. He was a client my boss was trying to talk into a deal. The guy recognised me and accused my boss of sending me to seduce him into signing the contract. The deal fell apart and my boss is livid with me. FML

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By CheeseAndCrackers - 30/4/2020 08:00

Everyone loves a weepie

Today, my always over-emotional husband burst into sobs when I thanked him for making me lunch. Apparently, I did not compliment his cooking enough. He microwaved me a Hot Pocket; it was still frozen in the middle. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Le Rove

Today, I woke up to my bratty younger sister cutting through my hair with a pair of scissors. I now look like a freak, and my mum bitched me out for being angry, all because my sister claimed she'd been sleep-walking. Her demented smirk said otherwise. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. To celebrate, I spent the day with her and then took her out to a really nice dinner. She is currently giving me the silent treatment because I didn't write "happy birthday" on her Facebook wall. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got into an accident and my bike broke. My insurance expired 5 days ago and the accident wasn't even my fault. The lady was on the phone and on the wrong side of the road. She's threatening to sue me even though her car is in better condition. There are no witnesses and no cameras either. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while shopping with my sister, she asked me to wait for her while she quickly said hello to a friend. I sat on a bench for an hour before I realised she wasn't coming back. Turns out "hello" had turned into a date. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while playing ping pong, my brother got mad that he lost and threw the paddle at my head, causing me to fall backwards into the TV mounted on the wall. Now I have a concussion and have to pay to replace the TV. FML

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By googly191 - United States

Today, it's my birthday, and apparently my family forgot it. But one person didn't forget. My dog gave me a little present in my new shoes I bought for myself. FML

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By mike - United States

Today, I was over my grandparents' house for my grandfather's birthday. For years they would talk to each other in Italian and I could never understand them, so I started to take an online class to teach myself Italian. Now I know all they talk about is how much they hate everything about me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I managed to electrocute myself on a plug socket while I was showing a group of trainee electricians how not to electrocute themselves while rewiring a plug socket. FML

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By Groom - France

Today, I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML

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By failure - Canada

Today, my parents are freaking at me because I just got my report and I failed my first year of college. They told me they have never been more disappointed in me. I have to tell them that I'm also pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the hospital to visit my aunt and her newborn baby. The receptionist gave me the room number, and I went and my aunt was in the bathroom so I cuddle the baby, only to find that the woman who came out of the bathroom was a complete stranger. I was holding her baby. FML

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By Loopy - Belgium

Today, I had to buy more supplies for the cat my friend asked me to pet sit for 2 weeks. Her 2-week vacation ended over 3 years ago. FML

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By traveling

Today, I arrived in Germany for a summer-long stay. The family I'm supposed to stay with had said they spoke fluent English. They don't. I don't speak German. It's going to be a quiet two months. FML

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By Anon O'Mous - United States

Today, I was taking a shower at the gym when hearing a loud popping noise. Surprised and startled, I jumped and slipped, hitting my head against the shower wall that left a small gash. The pop noise was just someone blowing bubbles from their gum. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was riding on my bike when a guy on the street shouted, "I LOVE YOU!" at me. I recently told my boyfriend I loved him, and his response was, "I don't love you but I won't treat you any differently." Perverts on the street love me, but my boyfriend doesn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Glen Allen

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find no toilet paper and a piece of shitty wallpaper in the bowl. FML

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By WhereIsIt? - 25/9/2020 22:01 - Australia - North Lakes

Frustration

Today, I came home from a nine-hour shift and all I want is to sit down with a glass of Baileys. I can't find the key to the liquor cabinet. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2020 20:00

Feelin' sexy

Today, my wife, who NEVER wants to have sex, decided that now is the time. I, of course, had to take antibiotics that make me so bloated I can’t move without extreme pain. FML

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By Anonymous

Not safe for work

Today, I went to move an intimate, very NSFW Word document to a secure folder on my phone. Instead, I accidentally sent it to a printer somewhere in my office building at work. I don't know which of my 40 coworkers or managers has it on their printer for their arrival tomorrow morning. FML

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By hard work doesn't work - United States - Irving

Too good

Today, I found out that the reason I didn't get the job that I have been working my butt off for over a year for is because they can't find anybody who can do my current job as good as me. I'm too good to be promoted. FML

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By laurlaur - United States

Today, my dad nearly had a head-on collision with another car, but I grabbed the wheel at the last second, potentially saving both our lives. He spent the rest of the car trip pissed at me because I'd "interfered" with his driving. FML

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By farf

Today, I received 46 emails from co-workers who were using reply-all to tell everyone else not to use reply-all. FML

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By not taking those! - 6/10/2020 23:07 - United States

Lobbied

Today, I called my insurance company begging for a new doctor. All my current one does is prescribe antidepressants for everything. Migraines? AD! Dizziness? AD! Birth control? AD! I’ve been having rough periods and I’m pretty sure she’s just trying to push pills to bill us more. FML

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By Casey - France

Today, I took a test as part of a job requirement. I took a sip from a bottle of juice, and the lady leading the test gave me a warning. I tried to explain that if I didn't, I would faint. She took the bottle and hid it. 15 minutes later I collapsed. She thought I was faking. I'm hypoglycemic. FML

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By some people... - United States

Today, a man at the comic book store I work at asked me if Spider-Man is based on a real story, and verbally abused me when, thinking he was joking, I laughed. He wasn't. FML

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By Therapy needed urgently

Kinky.

Today, after I got fed up and told my bullying step-brother exactly what I thought of him, he became overly polite. He then admitted that me shouting at him was the most turned on he's ever been in his life. Now he loves me and wants to be my "submissive" boyfriend. FML

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By Anony-moose - United States

Today, I had to explain to a patient that no, her nipples were not slowly getting smaller. FML

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By toad - Canada

Today, I found my daughter on Facebook after years of looking for her after the divorce. It turns out it was my ex pretending to be my daughter so she could track me down. FML

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By idontevenlikehamsters - United States - Manassas

Today, I found out my creepy, obsessive neighbor got a pet hamster and named it after me. He has been telling all sorts of stories about his hamster using my name, and he just told me in detail how it died of heart attack. FML

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By Mr. Unlucky - United States - Woodbridge

Anti-Dad

Today, after suffering a severe brain injury and receiving a large amount of money from the lawsuit for physical and mental rehab, I found out that my dad stole it all and spent it on himself. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, I found out that doctors can be wrong. Pink clothes, pink stroller, pink bottles, pink bibs, pink cribs and pink bedding to go with my baby that recently came out with a little pink penis. FML

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By corey - United States

Today, I went to ask my boss for a raise. He laughed at me and said, "That's hilarious because I was going to ask you if you could take a pay cut!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my friends were convinced that I was gay. I have known most of them for 3 plus years, they all thought my girlfriend was a special shopping partner. I found this out while announcing my engagement. FML

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By ohdear - United Kingdom

Time flies by

Today, my husband and I are celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary. It's also the 5th anniversary of the last time he made me orgasm. FML

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By wheezy - United States - Bay Springs

Today, while giving speech in class, I choked on my own spit and had a coughing fit while everyone stared at me intently. When I finally regained my composure, my teacher told me my time was up and to sit down. I hadn't even got finished the first paragraph. FML

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By bern5555 - United States

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

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Top comments

By dawood_k | 27

#6226387 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:20

Be honest...
How long did you watch them go at it

By jarrettd | 27

#6226390 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:22

Or, you could stand at the window and make the face that my profile pic makes. Once someone sees this look through their window they'll buy you and themselves new curtains.

COMMENTS

By fsomelife | 26

#6226381 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:16

And brain bleach. And new eyes.

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#6228592 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 9:11

What if their hot? That's a free show! Haha.

By CThomp48 | 10

#6226383 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:16

And some therapy.

By MegaExplosives | 17

#6226384 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:17

Hopefuly they don't have any super awkward kinks.

By WCARlover | 34

#6226386 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:19

Your neighbors thought that maybe they'd give you more show options D:

By dawood_k | 27

#6226387 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:20

Be honest...
How long did you watch them go at it

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6226823 - Monday 9 March 2015 19:02

And did you pick up any new ideas or techniques?

By Silvermaye | 25

#6226388 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:21

At least you aren't Ross, and your new neighbours are your best friend and sister!

By Steffi3 | 40

#6226389 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:21

Or maybe inform them, so you don't have to sit watching tv with the curtains closed all the times.

By jarrettd | 27

#6226390 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:22

Or, you could stand at the window and make the face that my profile pic makes. Once someone sees this look through their window they'll buy you and themselves new curtains.

Reply

firefox9778 | 20

#6226392 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:23

Or just stare back. Haha

Reply

soulcrusher11 | 16

#6226912 - Monday 9 March 2015 20:30

best idea ever. lol.

By ZY1431 | 24

#6226394 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:24

the smell of bleach in your future i sense.

By hammonds92 | 21

#6226398 - Monday 9 March 2015 11:29

Right...I bet your pretending Netflix add a hustler selection has you pull your chair to the window lol