Today, I moved back home after unsuccessfully trying to find... - FML

By deweyd8855 - 3/7/2012 02:22 - United States

Today, I moved back home after unsuccessfully trying to find work in Florida, despite living there for nine months. About 45 minutes into my 18-hour drive home, a TV station called me to offer me a job interview. I applied for that job over three months ago. FML

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Rock, hard place

Ghosted

Delayed proposal

By Anonymous - 24/4/2016 14:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, as I was getting out of the car, my 7-year-old son opened the door for me. I thought it was very gentlemanly of him to do that, until he smashed my thumb with the car door. FML

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By KillahCam - 26/1/2010 00:15 - United States

Today, my ten year-old brother told me that his thirteen year-old friend took one of my bras and two pairs of my underwear a few weeks ago. Apparently he took them out of my room, put them on, and has been sleeping with them ever since. He's coming to give them back tomorrow. FML

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By schnegg - 23/4/2016 17:33 - Switzerland

Today, the firm I work at informed all the employees about our annual staff trip. So, we're going to a tomato festival and everything is already planned and booked. I'm allergic to tomatoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2010 00:33 - United States

Today, I attended a job fair for a position at a shop. I was the only one who showed and submitted an application. I didn't get the job. FML

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By dominator152 - 11/6/2010 00:57 - United States

Today, my dad decided that my diploma makes a good pen-tester. FML

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By cricketsins - 14/5/2015 05:11 - United States

Today, my sister told me she found my escaped tarantula and put it in a box on my bed. I never had a tarantula, and the box was empty when I checked. FML

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By 12345678 - 31/12/2010 08:01 - United States

Today, I logged onto Facebook and saw that I had a message from my ex boyfriend. It's only been two weeks since we broke up and I assumed he sent me a message begging for me to take him back. He wanted to apologize for sleeping with my sister last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2011 10:14 - China

Today, I was in a restaurant with my fiancée for dinner. I commented that she had some food around her mouth. She responded with a lecture, then by throwing her hot bowl of noodles at me, before stomping out the restaurant. FML

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By wtf is wrong with my country - 8/5/2012 17:57 - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2012 11:11 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my sister stopped by to visit me with her pet bird in tow. She asked me to hold the animal while she went to the toilet, and put it on my shoulder. It promptly shat on my only clean shirt and tore away a good deal of skin from my hand when I tried to get it off me. FML

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By fire - 15/12/2009 00:00 - United States

Today, I had to call 911. Why? My fireplace caught on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2013 19:09 - United States - Omaha

Today, my boyfriend convinced me do an Insanity workout with him. I passed out during the warmup. FML

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By Sydney - 15/1/2013 23:16 - United States - Houston

Today, I told my mom we get Monday off due to Martin Luther King Jr. day. She then insisted that I had to go to school because that is "only for black people." FML

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By coffee girl - 22/7/2011 20:31 - Canada

Today, the gift my mother had mailed me for my birthday finally arrived. It was a gift card for Starbucks. A gift card that had already been redeemed. FML

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By smellychick - 14/3/2018 11:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for being a "cheating whore" when he found men’s deodorant in my bathroom cabinet. I just have abnormally strong B.O. and men’s deodorant works better for me. According to him, "No girl sweats that much." FML

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By anon - 31/10/2012 04:22 - United States - Medford

Today, my girlfriend and I were going through some troubles in our relationship, and she said to me, "No offense, but I really hope no other relationship I have in the future will be like this one." Some offense taken. FML

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By crappy_day - 9/1/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, as I went to the bathroom in a port-a-potty at a park, I forgot to lock the door. A little girl opens the door and then slams it right away. As she walked away I heard her say "no, there's a man in there". I'm a woman. FML

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By but i make different stiffies - 5/1/2013 00:33 - United States - Parker

Today, while on a first date with a charming guy, I excused myself to the bathroom. I tried to bring my purse along, since my pads were in there, and mother nature was calling. He vehemently insisted that I leave my purse, in case I was planning on stiffing him on the bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2011 03:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I was putting red nail polish on my nails and put a newspaper on the table to make sure that it didn't spill. I later discovered the nail polish made the newspaper stick to the table. I scrubbed nail polish remover on it, thinking it would help but instead bleached the table. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2011 21:14 - Canada

Today, I woke up early to prepare for my graduation party. I'd invited the entire graduating class of 2011, and tons of people confirmed that they were going to come. Two hours after the time I'd told everyone to show up, I'm still the only one here. FML

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By dsbass09 - 9/7/2011 05:59 - United States

Today, after 8 years in exceptionally difficult veterinarian classes which put me $200,000 in debt, and 7 months of job searching, I finally got a job. I will be inspecting feces for worms while making minimum wage. FML

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By BadBribe - 24/6/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2019 02:02

Today, I pointed out to my manager that I haven’t been paid for my first month's work. They told me my paperwork had been misplaced, so I hadn’t actually been hired yet. So I just worked a full month for free. Oh, and apparently they’re not legally obligated to pay me, so I’m not getting paid. FML

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By nekogirl15 - 27/10/2011 01:38 - United States

Today, I convinced my best friend to talk to the guy I like at work to find out if he was interested in me. She came back ten minutes later, and told me he said he'd never be able to date me. Apparently, kissing me "would be like making out with Mother Teresa's corpse." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2010 21:26 - United States

Today, after months of hardcore flirting with this incredibly attractive guy, he invited me to hang out. At which point he introduced me to his boyfriend. FML

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By Acu7519 - 16/4/2018 15:00

Today, at my job as a 2nd grade teacher, I was explaining to my students how I'm pregnant and will have to take a break from teaching after I have my baby. One of my students replied with "Ooooooooohhh Ms. Johnson had sex!" FML

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By threw my underwear out too - 3/12/2017 00:00 - United States - Hyde Park

Today, my girlfriend and I took a walk on the beach at night. We were completely alone, so she started blowing me. It was great for the first five minutes, but she had just eaten dinner and (apparently) wasn't feeling great. I ended the night in the shower picking vomit out of my pubes. FML

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By poop_mcqueen - 30/7/2009 06:51 - United States

Today, I bought a cool new pair of sunglasses. I wore them today, and all day I kept getting comments about how much I looked like Ozzy Osbourne and John Lennon. I'm a girl. FML

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By Theguyinthedark - 30/6/2016 13:23 - Bangladesh

Today, my roommate and I were watching TV, and he ordered a pizza. After it was delivered, I took a slice. He yelled at me for taking his food and told me to stop mooching off him. I had to cover his rent last month and he still hasn't paid me back. FML

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By Mybrotherissatan - 10/3/2016 15:59 - United States - Arrington

Today, I found out why people in my new neighborhood keep giving me weird looks. For a laugh, my brother had gone around telling them I'm a parolee, and implying that I couldn't be trusted around their children. FML

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By Gina - 2/4/2010 11:33 - Thailand

Today, I was in the shops and the lights all of a sudden went out. I got really scared for no reason because it was pitch black and grabbed onto my mum's hand. When the light's got turned on I was holding on to a random guy's hand. FML

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By belle_arina - 8/10/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, we were doing stretches in dance class where you are on your hands and doing the splits in the air while your partner helps hold you and stretch your legs further. Right as I lift my left leg up, I farted hugely right in my partner's face. I couldn't make eye contact for the rest of class. FML

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By hitmutefirst - 3/2/2009 10:24 - United States

Today, I had just opened up some porn on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. I didn't know the speakers continue to function after the laptop is closed. FML

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By Filingfordivorce - 18/5/2017 16:00

Today, it seems my husband didn't realize that "Office Space" is just a movie and began to act like the characters in a pathetic attempt to, "stand up to the establishment!" Perhaps he also didn't realize that attempted arson is considered a federal crime. The bail is $20,000. FML

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By NoValentine - 14/2/2009 22:49 - United States

Today, I realized the reason I was asked to babysit 3 weeks ago for Feb 14 was because the old married couple with kids safely assumed that I wouldn't have a Valentine. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2014 20:38 - United States - Pittsburg

Today, I witnessed some greasy twat trying to chat a girl up by negging her, which is basically insulting a woman to lower her self-esteem so she's more likely to put out. "Goddamn negger", I muttered. "The fuck did you just say?!" yelled a black guy standing beside me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 04:59 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, my daughter asked me to get her razors. When my 19-year-old son saw them he asked what they were for, to which my daughter replied, "For my armpits." My son then said, "Girls don't grow armpit hair." FML

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By soccer8goalie - 3/9/2014 02:13 - United States - Parkersburg

Today, I was punched in the face because my uncontrollable hiccups were "annoying". FML

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By lanikai610 - 26/10/2011 18:35 - United States

Today, there was no toilet paper left, so I asked my grandmother if I could use her Kleenex tissues. I found out too late that they were Vicks vapor rub tissues. My crotch has been burning for the last half hour. FML

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By AshlynnPrime - 14/11/2013 22:44 - United States - Owensboro

Today, I was watching TV when my sister-in-law called me, laughing. It turns out my brother got his head stuck between the bars on the stairs. Again. My brother is 29. FML

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Top comments

By zandalee | 19

#4645171 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:23

What are you waiting for? Clearly the universe is speaking to you! Turn around and go back to take on this job!! Lucky you.

By wow_idc | 0

#4645173 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:24

At least u have an offer now...with the way things are these days, you're lucky you got one.

COMMENTS

By vistamar | 3

#4645169 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:23

Ouch! That sucks OP, sorry :/

Reply

JayRule28 | 0

#4645288 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:45

Ya don't say?

Reply

blcksocks | 19

#4645306 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:50

It's not that bad. At least OP got the interview offer. Most employers pay for the expenses incurred during interviews.

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4645318 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:51

Well, not really. He's only 45 minutes away and he has a job offer...

Reply

OhDearBetrayal | 25

#4645324 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:53

23- If he's already let his apartment go, there may be a problem.

Reply

Blackmail111 | 9

#4645459 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 10:42

1- We except your apology for causing OP such distress. Shame on you.

Reply

sirpantselot | 22

#4645524 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 11:06

1, totally, fuck OP's life. So shitty that they got a job interview. How will they ever cope?

Reply

MagicGiraffe | 12

#4646499 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 18:01

Look on the bright side, you could have 45 minutes left in the 18 hour drive.

By zandalee | 19

#4645171 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:23

What are you waiting for? Clearly the universe is speaking to you! Turn around and go back to take on this job!! Lucky you.

Reply

beccaishereyay | 11

#4645336 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:55

Exactly what I was thinking! Go start your life!

Reply

HouseElf | 13

#4645489 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 10:54

At least you weren't halfway into your 18 hour drive! Hope you went back and got that job :3

Reply

twinkledinosaur | 0

#4645501 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 10:57

Yeah I agree at least you weren't 16 hours into your drive! Fate is calling your name...

By wow_idc | 0

#4645173 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:24

At least u have an offer now...with the way things are these days, you're lucky you got one.

Reply

melons | 44

#4645428 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 10:27

It's only an interview...

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#4645519 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 11:05

And it's Florida. Who wants to live in Florida??

Reply

Cowboy1986 | 4

#4646038 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 15:57

46: not even people from florida wanna live in Florida

By funnynesh | 10

#4645175 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:24

Wow they are real slow...

Reply

vulpixvixen24 | 7

#4645763 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 13:40

They probably didn't have any openings until now. You don't get a job interview unless there is an open spot.

Reply

SamanthaCassieL | 10

#4646305 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 17:08

As well as places will hold onto the resume for three months usually, and sometimes 6. He's definitely lucky to have gotten a call.

By ManBroSkiGirl | 10

#4645182 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:25

Fyl.

Reply

Blackmail111 | 9

#4645470 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 10:45

There's a button for that...

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4646174 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 16:40

You don't say?? :O

Reply

Blackmail111 | 9

#4646601 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 18:36

I do say.

By curleyQ97 | 9

#4645186 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:25

go back!

By haloofduty27 | 12

#4645188 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:26

Good luck though, at least you got an interview!

By TheUnholyApple | 6

#4645196 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:28

Maybe you should stick around Florida for a bit longer, OP. Looks like your dream still has some spark in it.

By AnagenisisZagus | 13

#4645203 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:28

Call of fate, friend. Get back in there and start something for yourself...again.

By alycion | 38

#4645205 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 9:28

Consider it a blessing. I spent a good portion of my life working tv. It doesn't pay and the hours are crap. As much as live tv was like a drug to me and I didn't want to leave it, I'm glad I did.

Reply

btstig | 11

#4645507 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 11:01

Can I have your auto graph??

Reply

alycion | 38

#4646885 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 19:34

Doubt you'd want it. I directed. Not on air. ;)