Miscellaneous: Today, I met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen on the beach.... - FML

By YouSoSmelly - 02/08/2013 13:58 - United States - Kannapolis

Today, I met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen on the beach. I was nervous, but I just smiled and said, "Hey, you're really pretty." Then I let out a horrific fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 377

You deserved it 12 019

The smell detective is on the case

Another great day to be alive

Vulture

By Anonymous - 14/11/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, I introduced my Chinese-born girlfriend to the rest of the family. My uncle immediately blurted out, "He's dating a communist." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 593

You deserved it 4 747

By ewwww - 06/04/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, I discovered that an unmentioned side effect of my new medication is body zits. I now have zits on my neck, my ear, and inside my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 293

You deserved it 3 390

By Anonymous - 26/09/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 059

You deserved it 7 930

By Janice - 07/11/2011 05:12 - Canada

Today, while jogging, I realized my face jiggles more than my breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 402

You deserved it 7 911

By Mr. E - 14/11/2018 17:30

Today, as I was teaching my 10th grade biology honors class, a student came in with a dead frog and asked if we could dissect it. He tried to toss it to me and missed, so it landed in a girl's lap. She threw up all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 831

You deserved it 177

By Anonymous - 22/10/2014 15:06 - Mexico - Guadalupe

Today, I dressed up in my nicest clothes and spent ages putting makeup on before going to a nightclub, hoping to meet someone nice. The only person who acknowledged me was a guy who yelled, "Hey, wanna fuck?! Not like anyone else would ever touch you, am I right?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 803

You deserved it 4 807

The wrong sort of lock in

By Anonymous - 10/08/2021 09:59 - South Africa

Today, I gave my 10-month-old the house keys to keep her busy. I locked the burglar gate and left the door open. She can walk, and she threw the keys outside the gate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 198

You deserved it 1 213

By Numbnuts - 08/03/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I was really bored and decided to annoy my mom while she was doing the dishes. I walked up behind her, touched her shoulder, and said "Poke". She then donkey kicks me straight in the nuts saying "Kick". I know now to never bug my mom when she's in a bad mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 291

You deserved it 38 395

By Links - 20/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, a McDonald's employee had to correct my math after counting out $2.37 in change. I'm in AP Calculus and am currently learning how to find the derivative of an inverse of a logarithm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 044

You deserved it 44 199

By Anonymous - 14/08/2009 01:36 - United States

Today, I went to the school I work at, to set up my new classroom. I'm 5'1" and I was carrying a backpack full of fun educational posters. I also have a new boss. When we met for the first time he was yelling at me because "there were no students allowed in here yet." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 302

You deserved it 3 035

By Anonymous - 04/09/2015 17:01 - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I showed my daughter video footage from a security camera that showed her using her employee key to enter the store I own, disarming the alarm, and stealing several very valuable items. Her defense? That someone had "photoshopped" the video. We'll see how that goes down in court. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 187

You deserved it 2 877

By HazzaBoo - 07/08/2012 23:45 - United States

Today, I decided to help the homeless by giving them old clothes and food. In return, they decided to mug me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 583

You deserved it 2 953

Next!

By Anonymous - 23/04/2020 05:00

Today, my therapist broke up with me after almost 3 years. I can’t pay people to listen to my problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 433

You deserved it 262

By city_girl - 04/02/2010 06:34 - United States

Today, I got rear-ended. In possibly the scariest part of downtown. At night. By a man who spoke hardly any English but managed to ask if I would go out dancing with him instead of calling my insurance company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 985

You deserved it 2 531

By Anonymous - 05/10/2014 15:47 - United States - Arlington

Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words, "Lisa, will you…" then abruptly shat my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 118

You deserved it 6 273

By mottephobe - 06/11/2015 06:19 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, after days of cleaning out pantry cabinets and throwing away infested food, I thought I had finally gotten rid of my moth problem. Then I vacuumed, and saw several dozen larvae coming out of my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 241

You deserved it 3 097

By HeMayHaveSomeIssues - 28/02/2014 20:01 - Denmark

Today, I left for work. Halfway to my car, my neighbour's son jumped out and emptied a bucket of water all over me. The little pissant screamed with laughter and ran back to his house. His mum's reaction was essentially "kids will be kids" and slamming the door on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 238

You deserved it 3 645

By Anonymous - 11/02/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I got this huge package at my college dorm from my parents with candy, chips, canned soup and all these goodies. When I called my mom to thank her, she replied "We got rid of your cat, Annie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 141

You deserved it 2 571

By sohungry - 02/01/2012 12:18 - India

Today, my mum read a forwarded email, and is now convinced that eating processed food will make my ovaries shrink and disappear. Now she goes batshit crazy if she sees me eating potato chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 585

You deserved it 2 695

By Ren - 28/12/2012 07:49 - United States - Medina

Today, I went shopping. At the counter, the cashier started flirting with me and asked me for my number. He was cute, so I gave it to him. After walking out of the store, I got a text that said, "I didn't want to say it out loud, but your pants are unzipped." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 183

You deserved it 5 632

By brokewithnocar - 21/01/2017 20:00

Today, my mom changed her mind about driving me to a job interview because she wants to attend a meeting at a church she told me she'd never go back to, full of people she hates. I can't drive because she refuses to teach me how. There's no public transportation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 819

You deserved it 825

By apawn - 22/07/2016 19:25

Today, I had the option of choosing a train or a plane to get to my destination. The train was cheaper but took 4 hours longer, so I picked the plane. My flight was delayed, so I essentially paid more to arrive later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 520

You deserved it 1 757

By Michelle - 09/01/2010 16:11 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling extremely nauseous. When I started to feel better, I felt like I needed to spit. I went into the bathroom and opened the toilet to see someone had taken a giant crap the night before and forgotten to flush. The smell made me vomit all over my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 605

You deserved it 3 423

Keep it clean

By germy germs - 01/07/2021 19:01 - United States

Today, my wife bitched at me for not washing my hands before handling the dishes. The dirty dishes. That were sitting in a sink of hot soapy water. According to her, the dirt from my hands was gonna make the dirty dishes even dirtier. Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 986

You deserved it 206

By Snails - 12/06/2019 20:00

Today, while at work, I let out a nasty wet fart, thinking no one would hear me since I work in a warehouse. My coworker did hear me, and replied, "WTF? Shots fired! Shots fired!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 406

You deserved it 698

By Anonymous - 19/09/2014 08:58 - Belgium

Today, in a rush to get out of my house to go to a doctor's appointment, I closed the door behind me without having my house or car keys on me. Sadly, it took me less than a minute to break into my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 013

You deserved it 6 006

By Anonymous - 25/06/2019 05:00

Today, I was running with two other women when a guy started tailing us in his car and catcalling. I quickly got fed up and gave him the finger. Turns out, he's the husband of one of the women I was running with. For the next half hour, I had to listen to her go on about how adorable he was. She totally saw what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 740

You deserved it 338

By AussieGirl - 21/11/2009 11:40 - Australia

Today, as I put on my pajamas, a large spider ran down my leg. After freaking out, killing it, and recomposing myself, I went to the bathroom. As I sat down to go to the toilet, I looked up to see hundreds of baby spiders hanging over my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 069

You deserved it 3 993

By sad-sexed - 06/09/2010 12:50 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I was lying on my bed with my boyfriend. I didn't really want to have sex so I told him I would if he really wanted too, but I wouldn't enjoy it. He then started to undo my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 035

You deserved it 55 316

By Workplace woes - 12/05/2016 17:00 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, my coworker showed me photos of her anal fissures. I'm not a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 082

You deserved it 1 005

By thanksbabe - 12/01/2013 06:32 - United States

Today, after a week of intense fighting, my girlfriend of 4 years and I hung out. She told me she loved me, and I pointed out that last week she said she was going to dump me. Without missing a beat, she replied, "Only to scare you into submission." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 012

You deserved it 8 558

By stoych - 08/10/2012 07:14 - United Kingdom

Today, after a great first date, he leaned in to kiss me. I held my breath slightly. This resulted in me breathing out through my nose, blowing a huge snot bubble, which then burst on his face. He looked at me in horror and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 010

You deserved it 5 925

By fedupson - 09/04/2015 14:03 - United States - Milpitas

Today, I went driving for the first time with my mom. When she wasn't screaming, she gave great advice like, "Stop at the red light" and "Don't crash into cars". I need to drive 50 hours with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 050

You deserved it 2 635

By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 20:08 - United States

Today, my wife threatened to end our relationship if I didn't skip work and stay at home. She's into astrology, and apparently when one of those money-grubbing frauds writes "betrayal will come from someone close to you", it's reason enough to suspect that I'll cheat on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 236

You deserved it 3 464

By Anonymous - 20/01/2015 20:24 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I spent a half hour trying to help my cat down after he got stuck in the tree on my lawn. I finally gave up and called a local tree care company to help. When I returned outside, I found my cat casually walking about by the door. The guy who showed up to help was not happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 829

You deserved it 5 491

By Beesmakemerun - 10/04/2017 04:00

Today, I made a joke about my electric lawnmower sounding like a bunch of angry bees. It was verified when I ran over a beehive in my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 211

You deserved it 526

By Anonymous - 22/02/2017 17:00 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my mom asked why my three-year-old son is named Trevor. After I told her it was from my favorite game, GTA V, she hit me over the head with a shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 731

You deserved it 12 388

By soon to be divorced - 24/10/2013 20:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to call a plumber out to clear a blockage in our bathroom drainpipe. After coming back from work later in the day, and after a tearful confession from my wife, I found out that pipe wasn't the only one he snaked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 218

You deserved it 4 086

By Anonymous - 08/12/2009 22:02 - United States

Today, I used the bathroom that the high school shares with elementary kids. As I was pulling my pants down, my phone fell out of my pocket into the other stall. As I was reaching for it, the little girl in the other stall took it and ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 435

You deserved it 4 644

By Anonymous - 02/03/2017 10:00 - United States - Ithaca

Today, my first grade student apologized for cutting his bangs off in class, and explained that it was his mom's birthday and he had wanted to make her an origami flower. Out of his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 048

You deserved it 652

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Top comments

helpfulwhale 12

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Friday 2 August 2013 17:57

Flatulence is the sincerest form of flattery -Said no one, ever.

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Friday 2 August 2013 17:59

You really... *sunglasses* ...BLEW that one. YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!

Comments

helpfulwhale 12

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Friday 2 August 2013 17:57

Flatulence is the sincerest form of flattery -Said no one, ever.

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Friday 2 August 2013 18:04

Little do you guys know that this FML was written by a dog

TheCanucklehead 22

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Friday 2 August 2013 18:04

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

ydi_4_suking 20

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Friday 2 August 2013 18:27

OP's ass just wanted a piece of that action

thisawkwardchick 15

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:32

OP, breaking wind and ice in one blow.

RoboCunnilingus 23

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Friday 2 August 2013 23:28

#11 is M. Night Shyamalan.

K410 18

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Saturday 3 August 2013 7:22

Was this FML Written by Peter Griffin? :p

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Monday 5 August 2013 10:36

Lol that's hot!

misspulkadot24 17

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Friday 2 August 2013 17:58

R. Kelly pees on girls he likes. I think it's a sign of endearment when you let your bowels go for a girl. Go you, OP!! What a romantic!

PterodactylMan 23

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Friday 2 August 2013 18:06

You might be shit out of luck on this one too OP

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Friday 2 August 2013 17:59

You really... *sunglasses* ...BLEW that one. YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH!

cottoncandymango 17

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Friday 2 August 2013 18:59

I'm sure she was blown away.

snugglesMcGee199 23

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Saturday 3 August 2013 0:07

you beat me to that comment. Damn!

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Friday 2 August 2013 18:02

Hey you're pretty... *farts* OH GOD, who did that!?! O.o

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Friday 2 August 2013 23:24

That wasn't the smartest pick-up line to begin with...

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Friday 2 August 2013 18:02

If she was that hot you were really just adding gas to the fire.

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Friday 2 August 2013 18:02

Bodies have a way of acting up at the worst possible times. Don't let it get you down. Go for it, my friend.

Ctrl_H 18

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:55

Yeah especially on dates. Word of advice: bring a book of matches with you on a date and when you feel the cloud knocking on the back door go to the restroom, let er rip, then light a match to burn away the hazardous fumes...Not that I would know anything about the subject...

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Friday 2 August 2013 23:07

46, I'm getting the feeling you also dont know anything on the subject of dating.

pazuzus_intern 10

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Friday 2 August 2013 23:09

THANK YOU 54

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Saturday 3 August 2013 2:43

I'd be pretty damn impressed if my date managed to reheat his meal with his own lit fart.

CaiDog 20

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Friday 2 August 2013 18:03

Maybe you'll 'blow her away!'

expertsmilee 26

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Friday 2 August 2013 18:03

Just how fart would you go to re-do that first impression?

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Saturday 3 August 2013 14:21

The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind.

Tigerblossom 19

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Friday 2 August 2013 18:03

You started off well.... You just need to work on the ending. I hope she just laughed it off because embarrassing things happen to everyone!

fuckpeople307 5

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Friday 2 August 2013 18:08

Did you just fart? Cause you just blew me away!

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 402

You deserved it 82

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 156

You deserved it 87