Today, I met my recently divorced mother's new boyfriend. He...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my recently divorced mother's new boyfriend. He is missing teeth and has long hair and a mangy beard. Horrified, I left the room, only to hear my mother telling my sister, "The sex is phenomenal!" FML

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Intimacy

Join in the fun

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Near the knuckle

By marriedwithfamily - United States

Today, I went on my honeymoon to Hawaii. My family decided to surprise my new husband and I by joining us on our vacation. FML

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86491

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By stupidpolicia - Brazil

Today, the gas station right in front of my apartment had people listening to loud music all night. I have this 3 hour test at 7:30am and didn't get any sleep. Worst of all, here in Brazil, calling the police won't help a thing. Instead of actually helping, they'll stop and join the party. FML

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By MissAnonymous93 - South Africa

Today, I got my tonsils removed. My body also agreed that today was a good day to get a bad cough. My bed currently looks like a scene out of "Dexter". FML

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By fluent in two, unlike you - Mexico

Today, the feedback my teacher wrote on my English assignment was so horrible that it took me half an hour and help from both my parents to decipher it. It turned out to be a scathing criticism of my "poor communication skills". I hate my teachers. FML

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By dormlyfe - United States - Moraga

Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML

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By Laurendorcus - France

Today, I called out "personal" from work because I had to study for a major test that is taking place tomorrow. An hour later my manager called to fire me for "not taking work seriously", then I got an email that the test is being postponed. FML

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By Anonymous

Weirdly specific

Today, I was told by this creeper in my grade who I don't talk to ever that I have the same bra size as Megan Fox. He was right. I have no idea how he knows my bra size. FML

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By Tp - United States

Today, I walked four blocks with toilet paper hanging out of my pants. FML

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By cheesylad - Australia - Sunnybank

Today, I was alone in the car with my crush. For reasons I will never understand, I put on the song 'Kiss a Girl' by Keith Urban. I could feel her cringing. FML

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By lapines01

Today, I went on a date with this really cute guy. We were walking in a park and decided to go on the swings. As I was swinging super high up, I threw up. FML

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By DaveAlmighty - United States

Today, I caught some perverts sitting in a car in front of my house, spying on my neighbors. When they refused to leave, I grabbed a baseball bat and they sped off in a hurry. Later, those same perverts came back to arrest my neighbors for drug trafficking. I had threatened cops. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad decided I was too hairy and taught me to shave. This would be a great bonding experience if I weren't a girl. FML

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By itwaswarm - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I was peeing at a urinal, when the man next to me finished up and shook his penis. I got splashed. FML

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By Eyalsh - Germany - Greifswald

Today, I came back to my dormitory after a long shift at work. After using the toilet, I looked at myself in the mirror, only to find a huge piece of food stuck between my front teeth. I work at one of the fanciest restaurants in town; nobody bothered to tell me anything. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, it was my first day working as a dental assistant, leaving me in charge of all cleaning. The first patient was so scared, he peed his pants. Which might have been understandable if he hadn't been a fully grown man. FML

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27390

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By VeeDubDisaster - United States

Today, I went to start my just bought '79 VW bus. I put my key in but stopped due to the strong gasoline smell. I went to check. Found puddle of gas. The previous owner figured duct taping a cracked tank was the same as fixing it. And didn't bother to share that tidbit with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son couldn't find all the parts to his Cub Scout uniform. I had a serious talk with him about being prepared, and how he would need to live with the consequences of not having the right outfit on. When we arrived at the meeting, everyone was in costumes because it's Halloween. I forgot. FML

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By gmac0417 - United States

Today, I found out my husband has been talking to another woman on Facebook. His only defense was "I thought I deleted the messages." FML

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29355

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By theonlychildd1 - United States

Today, a friend from work threw a party. We each had to dress up as a deceased celebrity. I thought it'd be a perfect time to dress up as Marilyn Monroe. When I arrived to the party, my boss said, "But... Rosie O'Donnell isn't dead." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Why do people do this?

Today, a friend showed me my husband's online dating profile, which includes photos of him with our kids. FML

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By how bout no! - 9/10/2020 17:01 - United States - Hesperia

Not gonna happen

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years said that he wants to marry and spend his life with me. But first he wants to go be wild and single for a few years before settling down. Not only does he not see a problem with this, he expects me to wait and be faithful to him while he “gets it out of his system”. FML

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By lonewolf2701 - United States

Today, my manager sent me a text message with a picture of Santa masturbating, with a message that said he wished me a white Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - Serbia - Pancevo

Today, I was told I'll need a hysterectomy. I'm barely 22. My doctor said "You probably wanted kids, huh? That's gonna be rough!" FML

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16768

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired for taking time off to see my sister in the hospital after she got in a car accident. Before I got fired, I found out my boss took time off because her horoscope said she should. FML

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39539

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By notmuchfun - United States

Today, my mother continued her lifelong habit of talking to anyone who isn't white in extremely slow, exaggerated "caveman" English. She insists that she isn't being racist, but rather is helping. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was told that all the data on my laptop is unrecoverable after my hard drive crashed. I have been charged £300 for them to tell me this. Feeling sorry for myself, I wrapped myself up in a blanket and turned on my fan radiator as it's so cold... and promptly set my carpet on fire. FML

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By rachiej8 - United States - Fairlee

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time. Everything was going well, until he tried to put it in. A few minutes later, he said "It's not hard enough." We tried for another half hour to fix that. We ended up eating ice cream. FML

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By EMTGirl'sLife - United States - Basking Ridge

Today, I responded to an emergency call for an intoxicated 83-year-old man with chest pains. As I leaned forward to check his lung sounds, he groped my chest and said, "Nice rack". I just wanted to see if he had difficulty breathing. I don't even get paid for this, I'm a volunteer for the town. FML

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By wtfdad - United States - Little Silver

Today, my husband and I told my parents I was pregnant with my first child. The only thing my father did was look at my husband and tell him his pull out game was weak. FML

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40112

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at a fancy family dinner. The dish I'd made was served, and as we ate, I told my aunt that I was a total failure as a cook, explaining everything wrong about my dish, in painful detail. Apparently we'd both made the same dish. That one wasn't mine. FML

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875

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By sadsadboy - Peru

Today, I went to a bar which has two stories. I was on the top floor and then went downstairs. As I was going down, I recognised a boy in a wheelchair and his friends trying to get him up. I helped and took the wheelchair. One of his friends decided it would be a good moment to steal my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I decided to drive to the airport and park in extended stay. As the plane was going down the runway, I tried to spot my car. I found it very quickly as the car alarm was going off and all its lights were flashing. FML

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By caligirl921 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. When I orgasmed, my leg flew out and I accidentally kicked him in the balls. For the next ten minutes, he lay in the fetal position. FML

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31922

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By sicktomystomach - United States

Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time. As I was throwing up, I set off the toilet's automatic flush and my vomit came flying back into my face. FML

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By fmcsl

Today, a customer bought a luggage tag and asked what it was for. I explained and she asked if she had to hang it around her neck. I explained again and she said she didn’t have her luggage with her so did she have to hang it around her neck? FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2020 17:00

Check this out

Today, I ran downstairs to meet the Amazon driver and threw on a shirt in a rush. Only after he left did I realise it was my shirt with artful rips in the design and I'd forgot to put on a vest under it. I'd flashed the driver my entire right boob with nipple piercing through one of the holes. FML

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697

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me because I'm in the military and I'm gone too much. The reason I enlisted in the first place is because we agreed that the money and benefits I would earn would help us be able to start a family in the future. FML

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45756

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By absentminded - United States

Today, I went to online to find out why my midterm grade is for my least favorite class Psychology. After weeks upon weeks of studying and doing work for a class I hate I found out that I have a zero in the class. Turns out I've been going to the wrong psychology class all semester. FML

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By Rellies

Today, my husband is finally fully recovered from getting decompression sickness during our scuba diving vacation. Today is also the day I snapped my femur in half while skiing. FML

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1929

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By Adios Career - United States

Today, a great job I have been wanting to apply for opened for applications. Turns out it requires a clean background with no credit issues. I recently got a notice saying my wife and I are being sued over an unpaid $140 medical bill that she neglected to pay. FML

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Top comments

By FFML_314 | 11

#1251718 - Monday 16 August 2010 12:15

OP, I have this sudden urge to tell you to shut up and grow up. Instead of being a selfish brat that's "embarrassed" by your mothers choice in men, try being happy that she doesn't have to spend her time alone. Divorce is not easy and you don't get to decide who she falls in love with. Unless the guy is a murder/rapist/pedophile/arsonist or any other type of criminal, shut up.

By Quest_ | 13

#1251769 - Monday 16 August 2010 12:24

Missing teeth = cunnilingus from heaven.

COMMENTS

By lickmyjock | 0

#1251703 - Monday 16 August 2010 12:09

looks like you do too.

By FFML_314 | 11

#1251718 - Monday 16 August 2010 12:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

SamJerkinGirkins | 0

#1251736 - Monday 16 August 2010 12:18

Agreed on many levels. =]

XZero_fml | 0

#1251845 - Monday 16 August 2010 12:37

maybe she just wants sex? who the hell gets back into a committed relationship when you're newly divorced? OP needs to calm down.

FFML_314 | 11

#1251854 - Monday 16 August 2010 12:40

Divorce is a long process. The OPs mother was most likely seperated from her husband for a long time. There's really no telling whether or not it was just about sex. Like I said, the mother deserves to be happy and OP is a whiny brat.