Intimacy: Today, I met my recently divorced mother's new boyfriend. He...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my recently divorced mother's new boyfriend. He is missing teeth and has long hair and a mangy beard. Horrified, I left the room, only to hear my mother telling my sister, "The sex is phenomenal!" FML

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Intimacy

Family values

Dangling modifier

Gas giant

By onemoreruinedthing - United States

Today, my little brother learned to write his name. How did he tell the family? By writing it in permanent marker all over my 100 year old piano. FML

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By sister sister - United States - Rhinebeck

Today, after having some drinks at the club, I went home with this awesome girl. When I woke up, I thought the house looked really familiar. It belonged to my ex's younger sister. FML

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By KC - United States

Today, the priest was handing out red roses after church. The woman ahead of me asked for a rose. The priest said, "Sorry, we are only giving them out to single women since they didn't get any for Valentine's Day." Then he hands one to me. This was the first time I have been to that church. FML

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By Chip - Australia

Today, I went to a cosmetic dentist and got a chip in my tooth filled in that I’d had since I was 7. I went out later and my friend jokingly hit my head against the table a few times to make fun of me showing off my teeth. He slipped. I fell. I now have 2 chipped teeth and a broken nose. FML

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By corgi problems - 15/9/2020 20:05

Doggy dog world

Today, I walked into my house after my nightshift as a nurse and my corgi had the house turned upside down, with things everywhere. I have people coming to look at the house in 2 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2020 02:03

Priorities

Today my husband cried tears of joy because we now have dates for : 1 - When our son can go back to school, and 2 - When the pubs will reopen. FML

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By threw my underwear out too - United States - Hyde Park

Today, my girlfriend and I took a walk on the beach at night. We were completely alone, so she started blowing me. It was great for the first five minutes, but she had just eaten dinner and (apparently) wasn't feeling great. I ended the night in the shower picking vomit out of my pubes. FML

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By footfetish - Australia - Brisbane

Today, a male employee at a shoe shop helped me try on shoes. Once I found a pair, I went to pay for them. I was telling the cashier about how great of an employee he was when she told me there were no male employees. A guy with a foot fetish helped me find shoes. FML

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By bezoar10 - United States

Today, it's the five year anniversary of my father's death. I was cuddling with my boyfriend and crying about how much I missed him. He replied with, "Sometimes, I think you just like to hear yourself talk." FML

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By beanpole - Canada - Canning

Today, I had to cancel plans to go to the movies with the guy I've had a crush on for months due to a sudden case of the flu. This was already rescheduled from yesterday, when I had to cancel due to bad weather (after he had already left home). He thinks that I'm just making excuses not to see him. FML

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By bigryngf - United States

Today, I was on my couch when my landlord walked in. He asked what I was doing there. I responded with the same question. Apparently my roommate forgot to call me and tell me that our lease ended three days ago. I am now standing in the parking lot with all my belongings, and it is raining. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my son told his teacher that she "has a nice rack." He's four. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as my dad was handing me my Christmas gift, he pats me on the shoulder and says, "These were mine, hope you enjoy them as much as I did." Thinking it was something special of his he wanted to hand down to me, I quickly unwrapped the box only to find old 70's porn. Merry Christmas? FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was shaving my underarms, when I heard a noise. I quickly turned my head to see what it was and got the razor caught in my hair. I'm now sporting a very attractive bald patch. FML

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By So little trust. - Canada - Coaldale

Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her Edward Cullen cut-out. She won't tell me what's wrong, yet she can confide in a creepy fictional stalker whose facial expression is locked to "chronically constipated". Where did I go wrong? FML

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By can't sleep - United States - Crown Point

Today, my mother taught my 98-year-old great-uncle to knock on the wall if he needs us. He can't remember who we are, but every hour he can remember to knock to ask, "Is it breakfast yet?" FML

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By Anonymous Baker

Today, I got a write-up because I told my boss that it was impossible to have pies, which have a bake time of 1 hour, ready for a customer who wanted them in the next 15 to 20 minutes. Then, when the customer got there and the pies were still in the oven, I got a second write-up for wasting time. FML

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By botheredgf - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend drunkenly decided to let his friends cut his hair into a mullet. He won't change it. I'm supposed to introduce him to my family. FML

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By Mike - United States

Today, my parents told me I was conceived at Disneyworld. Monday, I take a class trip to Disneyworld. My friends will be having fun and all I'll be able to think about is my parents having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML

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By anon - 7/2/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom

Freaked out

Today, whilst visiting one of my distant cousins for the first time in years, she came onto me. After gently explaining to her that this was inappropriate, she broke down in tears. Whilst I awkwardly comforted her, she started stroking my inner thigh, apparently still trying to seduce me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Rosetown

Today, after making love to my boyfriend for the first time, he shook my hand and said, "Good job." FML

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By EpicFail - United States

Today, in class, I volunteered to read a poem out loud. I accidentally said "circumcised" instead of "circumscribed". I don't think I"ll be volunteering to read anything more. FML

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By Gordon - United States

Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my boyfriend wanted to prove how honest he is so he showed me numerous texts in his phone where he told other women he was in a relationship before asking them to sleep with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML

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By Unsatisfied - Canada

Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He's my boyfriend. FML

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By nurse - Reserved

Today, I'm training to be a nurse in a hospital. Our teacher asked for a volunteer to demonstrate how bed restraints work. After I was shackled to the bed she said, "Now let's make sure they work. Are you ticklish?" My entire class tickled me until I screamed, cried and nearly wet my pants. FML

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By downlowtooslow - United States

Today, while eating with my kids at McDonalds, my son put his hand up and wanted me to give him a "high five." I went to give him a five, but he moved his hand at the last second and I ended up slapping him in the face. Now everyone there thinks I'm a child-beater. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out that if you lose contact with people in your previous school, they decide to spread rumors about you and make everyone believe that you're dead. FML

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By suchatwat - 9/10/2020 05:02

Alas, poor Doggo

Today, I accidentally hit my dad in the eye with our dead dog's squeaky toy. He cried. FML

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By bglenney - United States

Today, for the first time in my life, I simultaneously sneezed, peed and farted. I was giving a presentation at work when this happened. FML

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By ohseven6421 - United States

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

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By nuttedthefout

Today, I bought my boyfriend a gold watch for our 2 year anniversary. He bought me a jar of Nutella. FML

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By chillyinside - Canada

Today, my furnace broke down, almost a month after its twenty year warranty expired. It would have been replaced for free. Now I'm going to have to take out a loan to afford the $4,000 replacement. FML

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By campmom

Today, my nine year old son went around telling everyone that me and my husband had a "foursome" last month. It turns out that some douchebag counselor at the camp he goes to thought it would be funny to tell him that a foursome was a divorce. All of his friend's parents think we're kinky freaks. FML

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By RBHSWedgieGirl - United States

Today, while walking across campus, I stopped to look at my reflection in a window. I straightened my bra straps and then turned to the side to dig a wedgie out. It wasn't until I heard peals of laughter that I realized I couldn't see IN the classroom, but they could see OUT. FML

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By Zxz - Canada

Today, the power was out. I tried to explain to my boyfriend that he wouldn't be able to watch any TV until the power came back on. His response was, "But we have Netflix." FML

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By pissedandcomputerless - United States - Lawrence

Today, I failed on a school presentation because I was not prepared. Apparently, the fact that my computer crapped itself and started giving off smoke last period isn't a good reason for not having my presentation prepared. FML

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Top comments

By FFML_314 | 11

#1251718 - Monday 16 August 2010 12:15

OP, I have this sudden urge to tell you to shut up and grow up. Instead of being a selfish brat that's "embarrassed" by your mothers choice in men, try being happy that she doesn't have to spend her time alone. Divorce is not easy and you don't get to decide who she falls in love with. Unless the guy is a murder/rapist/pedophile/arsonist or any other type of criminal, shut up.

By Quest_ | 13

#1251769 - Monday 16 August 2010 12:24

Missing teeth = cunnilingus from heaven.

COMMENTS

By lickmyjock | 0

#1251703 - Monday 16 August 2010 12:09

looks like you do too.

By FFML_314 | 11

#1251718 - Monday 16 August 2010 12:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

SamJerkinGirkins | 0

#1251736 - Monday 16 August 2010 12:18

Agreed on many levels. =]

XZero_fml | 0

#1251845 - Monday 16 August 2010 12:37

maybe she just wants sex? who the hell gets back into a committed relationship when you're newly divorced? OP needs to calm down.

FFML_314 | 11

#1251854 - Monday 16 August 2010 12:40

Divorce is a long process. The OPs mother was most likely seperated from her husband for a long time. There's really no telling whether or not it was just about sex. Like I said, the mother deserves to be happy and OP is a whiny brat.