Love: Today, I met my new girlfriend at her house for the very first...

By obnum - United States

Today, I met my new girlfriend at her house for the very first time. And her 17 cats, whose names all begin with the letter "K", because they're all "kewl kats." FML

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Love

Own it

Get the hell out of Dodge

Overreact much?!

By AMP4U - United States

Today, my fiancé changed his text message tone to a fart noise. He thinks it's hilarious and laughs every time he gets a text. He's 35 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, both of the roads leading to my small town were washed out by rising flood waters. I now live on an island in the middle of Wyoming. FML

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By horselover7766 - United States - Sewell

Today, my brother and I were shoveling mulch. He pushed me in and then ran away, laughing hysterically. I was stuck in the mulch, and no one would help. I was literally in deep shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after going to the beach with my guyfriend, I thought I looked pretty good infront of him in a bikini. Later he whispered in my ear, "You have a lot of hairs sticking out of your bottom". FML

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By badwaitress - United Kingdom

Today, I was working as a waitress at a wedding. I was trying to clear the tables as quickly as possible and decided to place a half bowl of soup on top of the pile of plates I was carrying. As I was hurrying back to the kitchen I tripped and spilt the soup all over the bride's ivory dress. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

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By Immature - 10/1/2021 05:01 - United States - Hesperia

You big child

Today, my girlfriend of six years burst into tears and said yes repeatedly when I presented her with a ring. I then had to explain that it was a promise ring, not an engagement ring. She looked me in the eye and dumped me on the spot. Apparently, promise rings are for teenagers, not couples in their 30s. FML

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By Tinker-Bell - France

Today, when I woke up, my husband was already up. Thinking I hear him in the hall I shout out "come on, don't be shy, bring that cock in here right now!". A voice replies: "he's gone out to get some bread". It was my mother-in-law. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Darwin

And you like him why exactly?

Today, the guy I like happened to be munching on biscuits while he was talking to me. The biscuit crumbs were literally falling out of his mouth like a waterfall as he was speaking and munching. The crumbs were landing in my hair. FML

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By Screw My Parents - United States - Barrington

Today, my parents confirmed we were going to be taking a Disney World trip for Christmas vacation. I already knew that we were taking a trip, but I was now missing a week of school. Being in 3 honors and an A.P. class, I said that I didn't want to go. I got called an "ungrateful, little prick". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

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By playdated - United States - San Francisco

Today, I am so shy and friendless that my mother is literally setting up a play-date with one of her friend's daughters. I'm 25 years old and this is my best chance at making a friend. FML

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By J-Ro - United States

Today, my guy, who is a PhD candidate, informed me that it is his goal in life to own every Will Ferrell movie. FML

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By Anonymous

Do you have an evil twin?

Today, my wife's parents came over, insisting they saw me at the bar at 1:30 p.m., talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day. I have no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. My wife doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. She started laughing and said 'Good one honey'. I told her I wasn't joking, and she took my face in her hands and said 'You ARE joking!' Then she left. FML

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By cagel - United States

Today, I got an e-mail from my University saying I may have violated the Student Code of Conduct for being drunk in public at a football game, and now I have to go in to defend myself against charges. My lungs filled with fluid at the game, causing me to throw up. I had to be taken away in an ambulance. FML

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By Secret Isis supporter - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss asked me if I'd realized that "I support ISIS" was written on the bottom of my water bottle. The bottle was a gift from my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Nice outing

Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML

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By heartsick - United States - Davenport

Today, depressed about a recent break-up with my long-term boyfriend, I bought a book about moving on after a relationship ends. The cashier placed some standard promotional fliers in my bag during check-out. Once home, I pulled out the fliers. They were for a married couples retreat. FML

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By Crapper. - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I'm a janitor at a middle school. Someone took a poo and placed it on the sink. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2021 17:01 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

You old fool

Today, after repeatedly telling my partner's family that our daughter is allergic to peanuts, his grandfather decided to feed her one, to "see if she really is allergic." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Austin

Today, I was removing large shrubs from a house. I heard my co-worker yell something, but I couldn't hear him, so I just pulled the stump out anyway. What I realized too late was that he was telling me that there was a swarm of bees living behind the stump. FML

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By satanlovesme - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment. While waiting, I pulled out my Cosmo magazine to entertain myself. The woman sitting across from me points and tells me I'm reading "Satan's Manual." I told her I don't believe in Satan. She said, "You'll know he's real when you become his bitch!" FML

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By doomeddaddy - United States

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

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By ProudMama - United States

Today, I arrived home. I'd left for a business trip 5 days earlier, and trusted my husband with our young boys. As soon as I stepped in the door, I noticed my son had thinner hair than when I'd left. He then showed me an empty container of Nair. FML

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By magicmaster19

Today, my mom complained that I never do anything nice for her, so while out shopping I bought her favorite chocolate bar. When I got home, she screamed at me because she’s on a diet. FML

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By nametag - Canada

Today, I finally got my nametag. I had been using other people's names like Maria and Caie for a week, so I was happy to be called my own name. I put it on and got to work. Ten minutes later, I was called into the office. I got laid off. I got to wear my nametag for 10 minutes. FML

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By Bee - United States

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was uninvited to a bachelorette party. I wouldn't really care, if the party hadn't been for me, ahead of my wedding tomorrow. FML

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By neednewdeoderant - United States

Today, I walked into my bathroom to find my girlfriend applying my deodorant. This would have been fine, if she wasn't applying it to her mouth. I don't think deodorant helps with bad breath, but a quick Google search shows that it does help with herpes. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I found out that my parents don't know the difference between a foreign person and a deaf person. They've been yelling at our exchange student for the past 2 days. FML

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By Chlo

Today, I went on a first date. We had the same phone, and we'd put them down next to each other on the table. I get a message and we both look. It’s my period tracker telling me to be careful, because the flood gates are opening. FML

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By dantko - United States - Dearborn

Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML

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By LeaveMeAlone

Creepy creep alert. Run!

Today, my manager "bumped" into me 3 or 4 separate times. I told him months ago I didn't want to date him. He even asked me once if I was ever afraid of being kidnapped. FML

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By weddinggirl - Germany

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years finally asked me to marry him. He said: We could save taxes if we married.. what do you think? That was the most romantic thing he said to me in the last 2 years. FML

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34347

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car wouldn't start, so I had to wait for AAA. Then, hurrying to pick up my brother, I got a $161 speeding ticket. Twenty minutes later, I got a call from him saying he didn't need a ride anymore. FML

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By PicklesMcRaptor - United States - Miami

Today, as I was walking my dog, two cute girls from my school were walking towards me on the sidewalk. I thought it would be appropriate to wave and give a smile. My dog thought it would be appropriate to viciously bark at and mount one of the girls. FML

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By Wowthanks - United States - Greeley

Today, I asked the girl I like if she had her eye on anyone, subtly hinting that I wanted to date her. I sat there while she confessed her love for her cousin. FML

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By cereal stepper

Today, I got out of my bed and immediately stepped into a half-eaten bowl of cereal. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I sent an email to a girl I like about how I really feel about her. She later replied "Real funny, tell Michael to change his password!" FML

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Top comments

By lincolnkite | 6

#5454731 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:51

Kewl story bro.

By lalala1896 | 6

#5454729 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:51

Your've got yourself a keeper ;)

COMMENTS

By lalala1896 | 6

#5454729 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:51

Your've got yourself a keeper ;)

TheElBurrrito | 21

#5454801 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:26

Keeper also begins with K...

sailorzoe | 14

#5454803 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:28

Run dude, run far away.

euphoricness | 28

#5454808 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:34

Not just a keeper, but a Kat Keeper!

SassieCat6 | 16

#5454848 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:12

48- not just a Kat Keeper, but a Kewl Kat Keeper!

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#5454875 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:44

I can see this being a TLC show.

"Hi. I'm your girlfriend, and these are my cats. Kosh, Kana, Kohn David, Kessa, Kinger..."

HiIAmKevin | 8

#5454879 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:51

OP, did you get to pet her kitty?

KyraJFoxx | 14

#5454884 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:54

Especially if she's into playing dress up.. krazy kat lady during the day , sexy Cat Woman at night. Hopefully SOME thing more comes out of it for you OP , good luck !

Mr_Satan | 11

#5454973 - Thursday 18 April 2013 22:28

Yea.... a keeper far far away.

9lashes | 15

#5455012 - Thursday 18 April 2013 23:36

-45 just cuz shes a weird cat lady doesnt mean you ditch her thats messed up! unless you allergic to cats then keep a safe distance d:

chosha_fml | 25

#5455040 - Friday 19 April 2013 0:11

Except for the bit where cats have to be kept away from a newborn. :)

pmadNess | 14

#5455121 - Friday 19 April 2013 2:21

105- Krazy Kat ladies get ditched... That's why they wind up crazy old cat ladies who live alone...

thresh037 | 4

#5455158 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:24

Yeah, in the basement

By lincolnkite | 6

#5454731 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:51

Kewl story bro.

Bakarra | 22

#5454761 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:02

OPs girlfriend is probably just a fan of Mortal Kombat, and cats ofcourse...

Bakarra | 22

#5454787 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:18

Because in mortal kombat everything is spelled with a "k" jeez...

Incredidanny | 5

#5454806 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:33

What about Scorpion?

SoulAmeliorate | 16

#5454863 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:27

47 - sKorpion
DUH!

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5454892 - Thursday 18 April 2013 21:03

Does that means 'Johnny Cage' is a typo?

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5454916 - Thursday 18 April 2013 21:21

Johnny Cage isn't from the realm of Kombat. He just went to fight in the tournament.

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5455031 - Thursday 18 April 2013 23:59

Doesn't stop Kurtis Stryker from having 'K' in his name.

pmadNess | 14

#5455122 - Friday 19 April 2013 2:22

77- Johnny (K)age

By kyletk | 7

#5454733 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:52

cat woman and not in the good way!

Cartera | 10

#5454762 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:03

Kat*

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5454896 - Thursday 18 April 2013 21:05

*Kewl Kat

groovycrazyjoe | 18

#5454946 - Thursday 18 April 2013 21:52

she has lot of pussy definitely a keeper :-)

jerzjay | 17

#5455004 - Thursday 18 April 2013 23:15

GTFO Op.... Now!

cieloalicia | 16

#5455141 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:02

I know 17 is a lot, but come on, she sounds like she's got a spunky personality and a sense of humor!

wlddog | 14

#5456064 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:55

142 - How many kewl kata do you have???

wlddog | 14

#5456379 - Friday 19 April 2013 21:46

Should have been kats,,,,

cieloalicia | 16

#5460468 - Monday 22 April 2013 22:47

173- just one :) His name is Floyd.

By tommyfox | 19

#5454736 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:52

How kute!

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#5454779 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:14

K,mon! Kids kan't keep keeping kats kompulsively.

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5454905 - Thursday 18 April 2013 21:13

Kutest Kewl Kats

eur0 | 14

#5455165 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:36

ku klux kittens

By meow_jess | 11

#5454737 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:53

Hey be happy! Cats are awesome :3

Quiet_one | 22

#5454960 - Thursday 18 April 2013 22:10

While I agree that cats are awesome pets, 17 is a tad excessive. I'm sensing a potential episode of Hoarders in this girl.

laden_swallow09 | 34

#5455397 - Friday 19 April 2013 5:38

I'm thinking more along the lines of Animal Cops.

NissanDriftKing | 4

#5456660 - Saturday 20 April 2013 3:56

Dogs are better :P

By dragonflyy_86 | 7

#5454738 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:53

did you told her she was a krazy kat lady

delaneyluke | 5

#5454816 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:40

tell* her

dragonflyy_86 | 7

#5456649 - Saturday 20 April 2013 3:49

you don't TELL me !!!

By alllisonnn | 13

#5454739 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:53

I sense a new reality show. "17 Cats and Counting."

SynysterNero | 20

#5454873 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:41

More like on this season of animal hoarders we discuss the krazy kat woman.

trumpet27 | 1

#7419025 - Thursday 2 March 2017 15:21

yes

By Snowkeys | 11

#5454740 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:53

I can only imagine the smell of that litter box.

Axipiter | 24

#5454870 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:38

Litter boks.

KLeePrice | 11

#5454924 - Thursday 18 April 2013 21:28

And fur!!!

By naxeeb | 33

#5454741 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:54

You're in for so many scratches and awkward night-time stares :P

Axipiter | 24

#5454949 - Thursday 18 April 2013 21:57

*skratches.

error404n0tf0und | 21

#5456035 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:24

you're in fur

By Squirrel1256 | 15

#5454743 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:54

Hope you're not a dog person.

chosha_fml | 25

#5455044 - Friday 19 April 2013 0:14

I'm a cat person and it still sounds like hell.