Love: Today, I met my new girlfriend at her house for the very first...

By obnum - United States

Today, I met my new girlfriend at her house for the very first time. And her 17 cats, whose names all begin with the letter "K", because they're all "kewl kats." FML

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Love

Triage

I'm a mess

Beggars can be choosers

By balloonface - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I finally treated myself and bought my first moisturizer. The woman at Sephora promised it would "retexturize my face." If by "retexturize" she meant, "make it feel like a rubber balloon," then she was right on the money. FML

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By justagirl

Fatherlessness

Today, my ex started to talk to me again after 3 years. I've been in an amazing relationship for the last 2 years. She let me know she is taking me to court for child support. I didn't even know I had a kid. FML

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By Unhelpful - United States

Today, I was called an 'unhelpful little bitch' by a customer, after I informed her that we couldn't order a pair of shoes she wanted from the company in her size because it's a discontinued model. This little tirade continued for another few minutes, with her insulting me and my intelligence. FML

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By pixie - United States

Today, I had sex for the first time with a guy. After he passionately made love to me, I turned to him and said "you smell really good." He turned to me and said "You don't." FML

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By lonestar - United States

Today, my boyfriend accused me of deleting my texts from my phone because I'm afraid of him finding out about another man in my life. Truth is, I don't have a life outside of him. FML

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By Anonymous - Monaco

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm "high maintenance." I'd only asked him to use deodorant and brush his teeth. He hasn't had a shower in over a week. FML

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By obese_chicken - Australia

Today, I went out to celebrate my birthday with a big group of friends. After waiting in line to get into a club, the bouncer looked me up and down and said, "No fat chicks." My friends went into the club without me and left me to take a $100 taxi home alone. FML

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By GogurtBadass - United States - Olympia

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the mouth while eating a Go-Gurt. I was eating it because I'd just had my wisdom teeth removed. FML

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By Paige - United States

Today, my parents gave me an iPhone. They then checked my grades online, and promptly took it away. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was planning on enjoying my one day off work from the hospital, at home. I got a call saying I had to come in because my department was short-handed. I went in to find almost everyone there. Turns out it was a prank by my coworkers. FML

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By Good_old_Grim - Latvia

Today, I stumbled upon my girlfriend's Twitter account that I didn't know existed. A recent entry states that living with me is pathetic; "it's just that the current economical situation doesn't leave her with many options." FML

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By MahSquito - United States

Today, a train hit me. A slow mini-train full of kindergartners who were on a tour of the museum I was visiting. FML

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By jilted - United States

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

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By loving wife - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had to convince my husband that I'm not having an affair all because I refused to have sex with him. Apparently the fact that I gave birth to our twins 10 days ago isn't a good enough reason to turn him down. FML

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By roo - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting a flight home. I'd worn a belt because my skirt was too big. When I walked through security, they asked me to remove my belt. My skirt fell down in front of everyone. FML

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By Ovie

Today, I got caught absent-mindedly fondling my knob in front of Love Island. FML

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By Weter - United States

Today, I fell flat on my ass while running for the subway. Made it on only to find out that it was standing by for ten minutes. I then got to ride all the way to work with a train full of people who watched me fall. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 12:01 - Canada - Charlottetown

No, not them!

Today, after there was only one family that hated me enough to beat me up when we were kids, and we still don't get along as adults, my youngest brother is now dating into that family, and one of my older brothers is dating into that family too. It's like some kinda sick curse, or karma. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my mum and I decided to go on a hike. Beforehand we left my car at the end of the trail and took my mums car to the beginning. After 4 hours we arrived at my car. I had left my keys in mums car. It was a long walk back. FML

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By thanks mom

Today, after 10 years of intense training, I earned a black belt in karate. When I told my mom, she asked how long it took me, then laughed and sarcastically remarked, "Wow. SO impressive," whilst slow-clapping. FML

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By IHopeYourDogsGetDiarrheaAndPoopOnYourBed - Mauritius

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister and me. FML

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By caswell 1 - United States

Today, I was at the school's rec center, working out for the first time in a while. While there, there was this very mysteriously attractive girl who kept shooting me glances. I asked for her number and she responded by saying "if you can lift this same weight as me". I couldn't. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, after spending hours putting up our tree and decorating it, it fell over and shattered the glass ornaments. FML

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By JC - United States

Today, I took a smoke break at work and I noticed a huge zit on my face. I used the reflection from a window to take care of the problem and then realized that there was a staff meeting taking place on the other side. FML

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By crayons128 - United States

Today, I was at a fire roasting marshmallows. When mine caught on fire, I pulled it back so I could blow out the flames. It flew off the stick, and, still flaming, landed on my face. FML

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By iNearlyHurled - United States

Today, my laptop got hit by a Trojan. Not the malware, but a used condom thrown from a car driving past as I sat on a street bench. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I realised that every morning my girlfriend gets me to help her put on a locket her ex-boyfriend bought her on Valentine's Day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southlake

Today, my mother called me, telling me how disappointed she was at how I let my room "become such a pigsty." I haven't lived there in three years. FML

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By nosymptoms - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me he's going to get tested for STDs, because he's worried about a previous partner. I'm grateful for his thoughtfulness, but I'd be even more grateful if we hadn't already slept together several times. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2020 08:09

What did I do?

Today, 48 hours after my boyfriend introduced me to his friend group so I could make new friends and I'd joined their group chat, two long-term couples have broken up and left without any explanation. FML

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By XxmegaronixX - United States - Fond Du Lac

Today, my workplace often leaves out "expired" food from the café that our department coincides with, as it is wasteful to throw away perfectly fine cuisine. I soon discovered that the inside of a seemingly normal looking cupcake was actually filled with mold when I took a large mouthful of it. FML

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By BrianP - Netherlands

Today, I came home to found all of my belongings out on the street. My roommate, who is also my brother, apparantly neglected to pay his part of the rent, and we got evicted. FML

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By Mick_The_Disappointment

Today, my mother once again called me to remind me what a disappointment I am despite having two degrees, a house, a professional job and having never been unemployed at 25. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 11:02

Clean break

Today, I'd taken this girl I'd recently met through Facebook dating to my family cabin. Apparently, her hygiene wasn't that great, because she didn't shower all weekend. The entire 4-hour ride back to her house was miserable, as every time she opened up her legs it smelled like a dead rat. I'm still mortified. FML

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By footinmouth - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with some friends. I noticed a very cute waitress about my age, so I walked over to her and asked if she had a boyfriend. The extremely fit, attractive waiter standing next to her immediately turned, held out his hand and goes, "Yeah. Meet me." FML

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By KereKris

Today, I wrote a bad review for a pizza place after their pizza gave me food poisoning. Now, they won't stop calling me, begging me to take my review down in exchange for free pizza. I have tried to tell them that I wouldn't eat their pizza again even if I got paid to do so, but they won't listen. FML

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By WTF - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I had to eat my breakfast in terrified silence, as my hungover mother staggered into the room, shouted at the kettle for not boiling fast enough, and after a few seconds, screamed that I'd sabotaged it. I'm now grounded for supposedly trying to fuck with her head. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML

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By Victor - 24/12/2020 14:02

It's a holly jolly Christmas…

Today, I usually take my daughter to daycare; my wife had to drop her daughter off at 8. The kid refused to get up, making them late. Wife argues with me, claiming I made her late. She said hurtful things and left late at 8:30. We haven't spoken and probably won't for the rest of Christmas week. I love Christmas. FML

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Top comments

By lincolnkite | 6

#5454731 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:51

Kewl story bro.

By lalala1896 | 6

#5454729 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:51

Your've got yourself a keeper ;)

COMMENTS

By lalala1896 | 6

#5454729 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:51

Your've got yourself a keeper ;)

TheElBurrrito | 21

#5454801 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:26

Keeper also begins with K...

sailorzoe | 14

#5454803 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:28

Run dude, run far away.

euphoricness | 28

#5454808 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:34

Not just a keeper, but a Kat Keeper!

SassieCat6 | 16

#5454848 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:12

48- not just a Kat Keeper, but a Kewl Kat Keeper!

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#5454875 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:44

I can see this being a TLC show.

"Hi. I'm your girlfriend, and these are my cats. Kosh, Kana, Kohn David, Kessa, Kinger..."

HiIAmKevin | 8

#5454879 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:51

OP, did you get to pet her kitty?

KyraJFoxx | 14

#5454884 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:54

Especially if she's into playing dress up.. krazy kat lady during the day , sexy Cat Woman at night. Hopefully SOME thing more comes out of it for you OP , good luck !

Mr_Satan | 11

#5454973 - Thursday 18 April 2013 22:28

Yea.... a keeper far far away.

9lashes | 15

#5455012 - Thursday 18 April 2013 23:36

-45 just cuz shes a weird cat lady doesnt mean you ditch her thats messed up! unless you allergic to cats then keep a safe distance d:

chosha_fml | 25

#5455040 - Friday 19 April 2013 0:11

Except for the bit where cats have to be kept away from a newborn. :)

pmadNess | 14

#5455121 - Friday 19 April 2013 2:21

105- Krazy Kat ladies get ditched... That's why they wind up crazy old cat ladies who live alone...

thresh037 | 4

#5455158 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:24

Yeah, in the basement

By lincolnkite | 6

#5454731 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:51

Kewl story bro.

Bakarra | 22

#5454761 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:02

OPs girlfriend is probably just a fan of Mortal Kombat, and cats ofcourse...

Bakarra | 22

#5454787 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:18

Because in mortal kombat everything is spelled with a "k" jeez...

Incredidanny | 5

#5454806 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:33

What about Scorpion?

SoulAmeliorate | 16

#5454863 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:27

47 - sKorpion
DUH!

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5454892 - Thursday 18 April 2013 21:03

Does that means 'Johnny Cage' is a typo?

CallMeMcFeelii | 13

#5454916 - Thursday 18 April 2013 21:21

Johnny Cage isn't from the realm of Kombat. He just went to fight in the tournament.

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5455031 - Thursday 18 April 2013 23:59

Doesn't stop Kurtis Stryker from having 'K' in his name.

pmadNess | 14

#5455122 - Friday 19 April 2013 2:22

77- Johnny (K)age

By kyletk | 7

#5454733 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:52

cat woman and not in the good way!

Cartera | 10

#5454762 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:03

Kat*

SomeRandomGuy15 | 18

#5454896 - Thursday 18 April 2013 21:05

*Kewl Kat

groovycrazyjoe | 18

#5454946 - Thursday 18 April 2013 21:52

she has lot of pussy definitely a keeper :-)

jerzjay | 17

#5455004 - Thursday 18 April 2013 23:15

GTFO Op.... Now!

cieloalicia | 16

#5455141 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:02

I know 17 is a lot, but come on, she sounds like she's got a spunky personality and a sense of humor!

wlddog | 14

#5456064 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:55

142 - How many kewl kata do you have???

wlddog | 14

#5456379 - Friday 19 April 2013 21:46

Should have been kats,,,,

cieloalicia | 16

#5460468 - Monday 22 April 2013 22:47

173- just one :) His name is Floyd.

By tommyfox | 19

#5454736 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:52

How kute!

s0m3guy2010 | 21

#5454779 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:14

K,mon! Kids kan't keep keeping kats kompulsively.

CobraLazerFace | 21

#5454905 - Thursday 18 April 2013 21:13

Kutest Kewl Kats

eur0 | 14

#5455165 - Friday 19 April 2013 3:36

ku klux kittens

By meow_jess | 11

#5454737 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:53

Hey be happy! Cats are awesome :3

Quiet_one | 22

#5454960 - Thursday 18 April 2013 22:10

While I agree that cats are awesome pets, 17 is a tad excessive. I'm sensing a potential episode of Hoarders in this girl.

laden_swallow09 | 34

#5455397 - Friday 19 April 2013 5:38

I'm thinking more along the lines of Animal Cops.

NissanDriftKing | 4

#5456660 - Saturday 20 April 2013 3:56

Dogs are better :P

By dragonflyy_86 | 7

#5454738 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:53

did you told her she was a krazy kat lady

delaneyluke | 5

#5454816 - Thursday 18 April 2013 19:40

tell* her

dragonflyy_86 | 7

#5456649 - Saturday 20 April 2013 3:49

you don't TELL me !!!

By alllisonnn | 13

#5454739 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:53

I sense a new reality show. "17 Cats and Counting."

SynysterNero | 20

#5454873 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:41

More like on this season of animal hoarders we discuss the krazy kat woman.

trumpet27 | 1

#7419025 - Thursday 2 March 2017 15:21

yes

By Snowkeys | 11

#5454740 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:53

I can only imagine the smell of that litter box.

Axipiter | 24

#5454870 - Thursday 18 April 2013 20:38

Litter boks.

KLeePrice | 11

#5454924 - Thursday 18 April 2013 21:28

And fur!!!

By naxeeb | 33

#5454741 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:54

You're in for so many scratches and awkward night-time stares :P

Axipiter | 24

#5454949 - Thursday 18 April 2013 21:57

*skratches.

error404n0tf0und | 21

#5456035 - Friday 19 April 2013 16:24

you're in fur

By Squirrel1256 | 15

#5454743 - Thursday 18 April 2013 18:54

Hope you're not a dog person.

chosha_fml | 25

#5455044 - Friday 19 April 2013 0:14

I'm a cat person and it still sounds like hell.