Animals: Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his...

By Anonymous - 19/03/2009 02:57 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 158

You deserved it 19 206

Animals

Best teeth in the game

Sorry…

Late term

It's true, though

By humiliated - 20/03/2016 11:54 - United Kingdom - London

Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 002

You deserved it 2 332

By burningman - 22/01/2015 10:40 - Germany - Darmstadt

Today, a homeless guy tried to light my hair on fire with a match at the bus stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 917

You deserved it 2 661

By Anonymous Cunt - 24/11/2012 19:38 - Netherlands - Blaricum

Today, my mom had a tantrum and screamed at me over my use of bronzer. She called me a selfish bitch and claimed that I'm somehow slowly giving myself skin cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 948

You deserved it 17 577

By anonymous - 21/08/2012 23:17 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I found out that my parents don't know the difference between a foreign person and a deaf person. They've been yelling at our exchange student for the past 2 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 953

You deserved it 1 754

By TANT - 22/03/2009 04:53 - United States

Today, I decided to start working out because my friends said I'm scrawny and weak. I bought an expensive giant container of protein powder to take before during work outs. I wasn't strong enough to open the lid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 456

You deserved it 24 522

By Anonymous - 07/09/2013 04:37 - United States - West Hartford

Today, I found out the unionized cleaning people that empty the garbage and clean the toilets make $19/hr and have more paid time off than I do with my college degree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 263

You deserved it 7 286

By notacaveman - 16/04/2013 13:27 - Netherlands

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she had drunkenly slept with another guy last night. Since she seemed genuinely upset, and had confessed right away, I decided to forgive her the slip-up. She then angrily broke up with me, because "if I really loved her, I would've been more angry." FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 072

You deserved it 13 409

By Anonymous - 25/10/2008 16:55

Today, my refrigerator defrosted itself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 740

You deserved it 5 772

By Anonymous - 17/10/2010 06:28 - United States

Today, it was my dad's birthday. As a joke, I got him one of those big erasers that say, "FOR BIG MISTAKES." He opened it, tried to erase me with it, then said, "It doesn't work." and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 085

You deserved it 30 333

By Motorless - 08/09/2017 01:30

Today, after months of riding a bike through the rain, I finally saved up enough for a car. It was a little aged, but ran fine. That is, until a tire blew out, the engine stalled, and the battery died within one week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 262

You deserved it 340

Landlords are scum

By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 19:00 - United States

Today, I found out that my landlord is sleeping with my girlfriend, and he won’t let me out of my lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 425

You deserved it 138

Walk the line

By Anonymous - 30/05/2021 03:31 - India - New Delhi

Today, I got dumped for not "walking the talk" by someone who'd laid a whole bunch of relationship ground rules on day one, and conveniently violated each one of them in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 108

You deserved it 197

By ss - 06/09/2011 13:17 - Australia

Today, I took my new iPhone into a technician to complain that when people called me, the audio was very quiet and muffled. Convinced it was a fault, I demanded a replacement. That is when he peeled off the factory issued protective screen that covered the ear piece. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 242

You deserved it 53 792

By Anonymous - 06/09/2013 20:36

Today, the mother of one of my students bitched me out about her son's poor grades. He lazes around all day, paying no attention and being a constant nuisance. But, she says it's not his fault, and demands that I give him better grades so he won't get "self-esteem" issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 097

You deserved it 3 437

Frustration

By Anonymous - 11/05/2020 08:00

Today, my wife is still refusing all forms of sex, because she thinks if she gets pregnant during lockdown, she’ll be the butt of all her friends' jokes about what people get up to to relieve the lockdown boredom. I know what I’d like to be getting up to right now to relieve my boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 896

You deserved it 314

By Ketchup - 22/06/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, my brother and I found a little bird that couldn't fly. While trying to convince my mom that it couldn't fly so we could keep it, I lightly tossed it in the air and it landed a few feet in front of me. Then my cat grabbed it and ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 761

You deserved it 49 809

By Anonymous - 27/03/2015 20:28 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found my dad's porn stash on his laptop. I went through it for a laugh to see what kind of sick, twisted shit he's into. Mostly nude pictures of my mum, as it turns out. I can't wipe the afterimage from my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 883

You deserved it 42 528

By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 08:27 - United States

Today, my mom gave me my Christmas gift. It was a letter containing $200 and a note saying, "Here's the down payment for your apartment, please just move out already." I turned 18 last week. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 413

You deserved it 3 371

By Paul - 02/05/2013 01:52 - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office. After yelling and firing me, his assistant comes in telling him he had mistaken me for someone else. He did not give me my job back, as he claimed it would make an awkward work environment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 962

You deserved it 2 599

By Anonymous - 16/11/2018 13:30

Today, I was asleep in my back garden and woke up when a bird landed on my hat and took a big shit right in my open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 875

You deserved it 440

By Interrupted - 27/11/2010 01:03 - United States

Today, while I was making love to my fiancé, his mom walked out of the hotel bathroom and sat in a chair less than two feet away from the bed. She made idle conversation with us for the next 15 minutes. My fiancé was still inside me the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 724

You deserved it 8 103

By PizzaPants - 29/02/2016 18:12 - United States - Denver

Today, I dropped a pizza I made. Don't worry though, I caught it between my hands and legs. I no longer have fingerprints on my right hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 631

You deserved it 1 998

By MsConfusedd - 01/09/2012 04:30 - United States - Hazlet

Today, I learned that my 76 year old great aunt likes to swim naked, even when I have friends over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 681

You deserved it 2 017

It's a coup!

By everythingWASperfect - 13/11/2010 14:43 - Canada

Today, at work, I accidentally walked into a meeting at which the whole company was there but me. The meeting was about how they could legally fire me while paying as little severance as possible. I'm the CEO and the founder of the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 850

You deserved it 4 315

By cockalicious - 01/03/2011 05:29

Today, my boyfriend let me know he wanted me to leave by repeatedly jabbing me with my car keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 644

You deserved it 5 009

By handymandy - 19/01/2012 11:44 - United States

Today, we received our honeymoon itinerary. Our travel agent booked our flight to Punta Cana correctly. Too bad she booked us a hotel in Orlando, Florida. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 957

You deserved it 2 592

By Anonymous - 07/10/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, I found out that the student tutor my son advised me to hire was my son's girlfriend. I have been paying her $20 an hour for the last 3 weeks to make out with my son in his room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 234

You deserved it 16 726

By cantstoplaughing - 06/10/2010 04:32 - United States

Today, I was working on my family genealogy. I found out that my best friend's great-grandfather murdered my great-grandfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 660

You deserved it 3 973

By Username - 29/05/2019 12:15

Today, my brother announced his engagement. I'm going to be the Maid of Honor. My ex, who told me after five years of dating that he didn't believe in marriage, is going to be the Best Man. I get to walk down the aisle with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 144

Smells better when turned on

By p0isonOreo68 - 24/09/2020 20:02

Today, my cat peed on my stove. There’s multiple clean litter-boxes that he could have used instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 950

You deserved it 183

By Coaldust - 03/01/2017 02:02

Today, my niece stole a bottle of whiskey from me to mix with Monster and get drunk with her boyfriend. It was a bottle of 23-year-old Pappy Van Winkle's that cost over $2000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 497

You deserved it 1 947

By notarobber - 15/05/2013 07:20 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was wearing a black shirt, black pants, and a black beanie at a grocery store. I came around a corner, bumped into a woman and she screamed, "Murderer." I was immediately thrown out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 628

You deserved it 10 096

The Good Grandson

By Anonymous - 15/03/2020 21:10

Today, I had to drive all the way across town to clean my grandfather's toilet for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 278

You deserved it 186

By Anonymous - 24/07/2019 20:00

Today, I've had bad gas all day. In bed, almost asleep, I felt the urge to fart, and thinking nothing of it, I let it rip. It wasn't a fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 473

You deserved it 414

By confused - 28/09/2011 04:55 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me that having sex with me was as good as eating crispy bacon. I don't know if I should feel complimented. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 106

You deserved it 8 684

By lawdy - 21/05/2017 20:00

Today, I told my daughter that she's going to be a big sister, because there is a baby growing in my tummy. She's been sobbing because I can't convince her that I didn't eat a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 388

You deserved it 604

Revelations

By pey - 21/05/2020 14:00

Today, my boss told me I had to fire my co-worker. I didn't want to do it, but I didn't want to lose my job. I told my co-worker that the boss said we had to let him go. He told me that he had sex with my wife. My wife didn't deny it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 412

You deserved it 138

By bride - 27/03/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, I got married wearing a strapless dress. As I walked down the aisle, our wedding photographer stepped out behind me to get a shot of me approaching my husband. Instead of stepping out, though, he stepped on. Stepped on my dress. Pulling it completely down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 133 789

You deserved it 10 255

By heyhijello - 09/09/2013 22:05 - United States - Oakland

Today, at my boyfriend's brother's house, I desperately needed to poop. After finishing my business, I realized the toilet wouldn't flush. I had to pull my poop out, wrap it in TP and make an excuse to go outside to throw it in a bush. The neighbor was watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 007

You deserved it 12 690

By nocostumeforme - 29/10/2011 16:01 - Canada

Today, I excitedly checked the mail to see if my Halloween costume finally arrived. It didn't. I live in an isolated city, so finding a costume by any other means than the Internet was impossible. I spent over $100 for a costume that I won't even get to wear this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 936

You deserved it 6 956

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Top comments

jakenherman 0

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Thursday 19 March 2009 9:37

okay, 1. you try to impress your boyfriends parents by.. talking.. to a .. bird? wow... 2. Did the bird rip open the cage, or did you open the door and shove you head in? your life is pretty f***ed

thequeenofscots 0

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Thursday 19 March 2009 9:25

I just have to say, it makes me laugh really hard that the advert on the side of this page is for some fancy parrot cage.

_pokeys 0

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Thursday 19 March 2009 9:07

What'd you do, shove your face in the cage? Dumbass.

Cleo88 6

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Thursday 7 March 2013 6:40

Why would you stick your face close to an animal you just met? I work with over 20 trained parrots but I would still never stick my face up close to them. You are a stranger the bird was probably scared

pie_flavor 16

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Sunday 28 July 2013 12:40

I'll bet the first comment has been moderated. Lol

hk_fml 9

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Thursday 19 March 2009 9:09

Owwie that certainly sucks

Kristiekins 0

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Thursday 19 March 2009 9:09

That sucks! I hate parrots! #1, what's your deal?

AntiChrist7 0

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Thursday 19 March 2009 9:11

first of all, not every parrot can talk. second: always leave animals wth sharp thingy's alone. you deserved that one

Minstrels 0

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Thursday 19 March 2009 9:18

Wow. At least you had the guts to go near it? I don't know, man. My friend has a parrot that would do the same thing if I got near it. Those birds can be scary fuckers. D:

green_199 0

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Thursday 19 March 2009 9:18

Well, I have to say that I'm impressed, at least...

thequeenofscots 0

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Thursday 19 March 2009 9:25

I just have to say, it makes me laugh really hard that the advert on the side of this page is for some fancy parrot cage.

Rach_star 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 16:00

lmao!!

tsezu 0

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Thursday 19 March 2009 9:32

Wow, lady, you got balls! You absolutely deserve a trophy.

Tehalon 0

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Thursday 19 March 2009 9:36

@#7; Thats because a script looks for certain words and pops up a fitting ad. for it.

jakenherman 0

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Thursday 19 March 2009 9:37

okay, 1. you try to impress your boyfriends parents by.. talking.. to a .. bird? wow... 2. Did the bird rip open the cage, or did you open the door and shove you head in? your life is pretty f***ed