Miscellaneous: Today, I met my boyfriend's grandparents for the first time....

By lizard - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's grandparents for the first time. When my boyfriend introduced us, his grandfather smiled at me, took my hand, and said in the most polite voice, "Wow, you're not nearly as pretty as he described you." FML

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Miscellaneous

Taking stock

Commando

Go to your OWN rooms!

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got an allergic reaction to Nair. It was so bad I had to have my girlfriend take me to the hospital at 2am. Where was the allergic reaction? On my nuts. FML

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By layout - United States

Today, while laying out, I kept feeling something misty, like a spray bottle. Curious as to what it was since it kept coming, I looked up, only to see the painters were peeing over the side of the house, and the heavy breeze was turning their piss into a refreshing mist for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Federal Way

Today, I had to re-grade a student's assignments because neither he, nor his parents can read "Spanish." I'd written in cursive. FML

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By "Lisa" - Romania

Today, I made out with a handsome man in the restroom at a party. There was a knock on the door, interrupting us. It was his girlfriend. FML

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By Silver_Samurai - Netherlands

Today, I had a technical skill test as a nurse. My objective was to help the patient defecate, but my opening sentence came out as: "Hello, I'm Jan. I'm here to help you take a shit." FML

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By Ginger - United States

Today, I realized it's been 5 days since my boyfriend last answered the phone when I called. Two weeks ago, he told me he used to break up with his girlfriends in a very juvenile way. He doesn't answer their phone calls. FML

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By alcoholic - Estonia

Today, I was telling my teenage daughter about the effects from alcohol, and how she should not give in to peer pressure. While talking, I noticed that she was looking at me funny. There was a wine glass in my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, my neighbors left for their nine month excursion, and armed their security system. One of the features is a loud series of three beeps every three seconds, 24 hours a day. I can hear it, clear as a bell, throughout my entire house. FML

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By stairmaster

Today, while attempting to sneak out of my boyfriend's parents' house during my walk of shame, I fell down the stairs, spilling cherry coke all over myself, their walls, and the carpet. FML

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By John - United States

Today, I had my anus probed twice by two different doctors. I was diagnosed with hemorrhoids. I'm a 22 year old guy and have to schedule a colonoscopy for next week. I guess there's a first time for everything. FML

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By funkmylife69

Mr. Smooth

Today, I made out with the guy I've had a huge crush on for the first time. He wrapped his arms around me, and whispered softly into my ear, "I can't wait to bone you." FML

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By pussyOUT - United States

Today, I was at an amusement park with my kids. When we were on the Ferris wheel, I discovered my fear of heights. I hyperventilated, screamed from our seat "LET ME OUT! OH GOD LET ME OUT!!" I also began crying hysterically. They stopped the ride for me to get off. I'm a 45 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

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By Jennifer H.

Time travel is possible… via hair salons

Today, I told my new hairstylist that I like Jennifer Aniston's look and that I'm trying to grow my hair out. She gave me the "Rachel" haircut. FML

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By pornhastaughtmenothing - United States - Tacoma

Today, I realized just how bad I am in bed when my girlfriend literally yawned the words, "Oh God" while attempting to fake an orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous

Charming...

Today, my toddler is starting to realize when she has a dirty diaper. How do I know? She walked up to me with a shit covered hand, saying "Poop Mommy! Poop!!" FML

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By Becoming a commuter. - United States - Buffalo

Today, I moved into college and met my new roommate. Not fifteen minutes later, she had told me about the fungus on her feet, and what happens when she forgets to take her anti-psychotic medication, all while picking at her nose and eating the spoils. FML

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By DietWater - United States - Beaumont

Today, I went to the park and people were crowded around some dancers. One of the dancers danced up to me, gave me a flower, and winked at me. I was very flattered, until the same dancer asked me to give the flower back after the dance so he could use it on the next show. FML

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By DFR - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a really really romantic way. After we called our parents to tell them the news, he turned to me and said, "Hey, I hope you know this doesn't mean you can start getting lazy with your blowjobs." FML

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By moudly - United States

Today, my mom finally believed me when I said I smelled mold. I lifted up the couch, and it was covered in mold. So were the bottoms of all our furniture, our beds, and my grandma's vintage chair. We've been living in mold for the past 4 months. FML

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By ugh Buck! - United States

Today, I was watching a movie on TV. One of the characters has the same name as my dog, and when his name was called, my dog got so excited that he jumped face-first into my TV. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I tried buying a video game that was rated "M - for mature". The Cashier told me "you have to be 17 to buy this game". I didn't have any ID on me. I'm 25. FML

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By Anonymous

Ivory pissed, too

Today, it was my 14-year anniversary. I'd spent weeks picking out a new gold wedding band for my husband. What did he get me? Nothing. Not even a happy anniversary text. FML

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By nah - United States - San Antonio

Today, I started my period. Every time I try to open a tampon, my dog goes crazy thinking it's one of his treats. Now I have to open them with my hair dryer on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Happy anniversary!

Today, it's my husband's and my first wedding anniversary. I came home from work hoping for at least a bouquet of flowers, only to find my husband passed out on the couch, with a few beer cans next to him. I guess I missed the party. FML

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By Disgruntled - United States - Jamestown

Today, it's been exactly two years since I got my last raise. And the amount I got still allows me the luxury of being able to afford a Snickers bar every month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norfolk

Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML

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By sicksicksick - Senegal

Today, after years of lobbying for a travel job, I'm finally in Africa. Everything I eat or drink comes violently back out both directions. When I don't eat or drink, I pass out. Essentially I have to choose between illness and consciousness. Hello, fabulous new job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML

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By Juliett - United States - Wisconsin Rapids

Good question

Today, my boyfriend gave me an amazing orgasm after a long dry spell. I moaned his name as I climaxed, and he replied, "What?" FML

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By demix_fml

Cat vs. pancakes

Today, it's my birthday, I knew I would be on my own, so I brought some pancakes, only to come down and find that not only had my cat eaten them, but also that I’d have to clean his barf up. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By kodijack - United States

Today, I got stuck behind a guy riding his bike 20 mph below the speed limit. I honked, cursed, screamed, and yelled, before finally managing to overtake him. Once I got home, I went outside to get the paper, and discovered that the biker lives just two doors down from me. FML

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By virginat16 - United States

Today, I got a call from a restricted number. When I answered, it was a prank call. The kids on the other end had porn on high volume and put the phone next to the speaker. Way to remind me that I'm still a virgin. FML

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By Almostfunny - United States

Today, I emailed my potential boss a copy of my résumé. However, I didn't realize until too late that it was my fake resume, created for an English class project. Some of my former jobs included being a certified gangster, as well as the former president of Canada. FML

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By homersgirl - United States

Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly... and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. FML

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By Strainer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML

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By FML - Puerto Rico - Cayey

Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 02:02

Preventive measures

Today, I was minding my own business when the guy I have a crush on sat down next to me at work, explained that he heard that I had a crush on him and that he was flattered, but that we should "be friends" because I'm a "nice girl". I was rejected by someone I didn't even pursue. FML

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1378

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was doing my job as a groundskeeper, a couple of kids wearing MAGA hats threw garbage and rocks at me, then told me to "go back where you came from". I'm American, but I guess my beard makes me look like an immigrant or something, as this isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and had to go to the bathroom in my dorm. After coming out of the bathroom, I realized I'd let my auto-locking door close behind me. I had to go through the whole dorm, sprint across campus in my bra and underwear, and ask someone for my spare key. FML

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Top comments

By InnocentLies | 0

#1945330 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:16

Wait, what if he meant it as a compliment..?
:p

By THEmuffinpan | 0

#1945332 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:16

I read that in kind of a, "You're prettier than he said" way.

COMMENTS

By kayiscoolllll | 6

#1945315 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:12

oops! :(

kellanlvr | 1

#1945389 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:23

what's the fml here?

Person000 | 0

#1945575 - Sunday 9 January 2011 10:12

no no no, I have done that before. he meant to say " he didn't nearly describe how pretty you" are or something like that. give him a break he is old.

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1945774 - Sunday 9 January 2011 11:07

OP has a sandy vagina.

natirixoxo | 0

#2256829 - Monday 28 March 2011 22:23

lol just say "you aren't either"

dylansomething | 0

#3095627 - Friday 12 August 2011 20:37

old people can be brutaly honest.

By Sweetie2u | 1

#1945322 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:13

ouch

By InnocentLies | 0

#1945330 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:16

Wait, what if he meant it as a compliment..?
:p

FYLDeep | 25

#1945412 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:27

Why wouldn't he say, "You're way prettier" instead of "You're not nearly as pretty" then?

InnocentLies | 0

#1945433 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:35

Because he choose* to say it like that ?
Gah typo. ._.

jess6blondie9 | 2

#1945578 - Sunday 9 January 2011 10:12

I honestly doubt that he meant that as a compliment.

whippymcdumb4zs | 0

#1945727 - Sunday 9 January 2011 10:52

he might have a slight case of senility, causing what he wants to say and what he is saying to be completely different

By THEmuffinpan | 0

#1945332 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:16

I read that in kind of a, "You're prettier than he said" way.

starshine21 | 0

#1945395 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:24

i agree

dragonaair | 5

#1945441 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:36

Maybe he was saying it jokingly? Like, you cant be nearly as pretty as he described.

lBMTHl | 0

#1945558 - Sunday 9 January 2011 10:07

As did I. Where is the FML here?

dragonaair | 5

#1950711 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:39

Or maybe OP is bitching and the grandfather said afterwards "Because you're beautiful!"

By InnocentLies | 0

#1945347 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:17

Hehe you got ninja'd.
;)

By maybaybe | 0

#1945364 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:20

Gotta live the elderly :)

maybaybe | 0

#1945400 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:24

*love

unidentified_sta | 5

#1945415 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:30

Hm... Yeah the elderly need to live too. Keeps things alive by mockin' the youngins.

maybaybe | 0

#1945630 - Sunday 9 January 2011 10:30

haha xD

lexielovesyou | 0

#1947266 - Sunday 9 January 2011 21:15

ahaha agreeed. ^.^

By jazzy514 | 7

#1945422 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:32

he must be senile

By dragonaair | 5

#1945427 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:34

At least he won't perv on you. Unless he likes ugly chicks...

backdownbreh | 0

#1945471 - Sunday 9 January 2011 9:44

you be perfect then (:

Zya_fml | 8

#1945541 - Sunday 9 January 2011 10:04

haha, 17 win

jess6blondie9 | 2

#1945555 - Sunday 9 January 2011 10:06

Ouch! hahah.

maybaybe | 0

#1945745 - Sunday 9 January 2011 10:56

haha #17 harsh but funny.

Darkangelxx1234 | 0

#1946004 - Sunday 9 January 2011 12:47

Ahaha ! 17 = Winn (:

dragonaair | 5

#1952549 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 0:17

I must agree, that is pretty funny #17

feyz_fml | 4

#1961010 - Thursday 13 January 2011 7:41

it's funny because it's true

By perdix | 29

#1945528 - Sunday 9 January 2011 10:01

Consider the alternative: . . . took my hand and said, "Wow, you're much prettier than he described you" and guided it to his Viagra-engorged paleo-pole.

Would you have preferred that?

flybye | 0

#1945739 - Sunday 9 January 2011 10:56

Lol. There isn't a comment of yours that hasn't made me laugh or shake my head in total disdain. Bravo :P

Aerious | 0

#1946762 - Sunday 9 January 2011 18:14

OP would've gotten some action at least.

By ilpapagrande | 16

#1945829 - Sunday 9 January 2011 11:24

I guess what really matters here is your boyfriend's opinion, no matter how delusional and skewed it is.