Work: Today, I met an important figure in my line of work who also... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 429

You deserved it 113

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 175

You deserved it 1 507

17/04/2017 04:00

Today, I met an important figure in my line of work who also happens to know my dad, Alan. Upon meeting said person, I let my social anxiety get the best of me and I greeted him by saying, "Hi! I'm your Alan!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 376

You deserved it 644

Best teeth in the game

Commando

Paranoia

Modern Family

By Wtffmlfs - 26/09/2019 04:01

Today, I dawned on me that my step-dad, who cheated on and is now divorcing my mom, is my favorite family member. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 347

You deserved it 155

Damn

By zzzgrady - 27/10/2010 02:46

Today, after having the worst night of my life, my boss chewing me out and acid reflux all morning, I went to the snack machine at work to get the only thing that makes me happy, Reese's PB cups. I had just enough money to buy the very last one in the machine, and it got stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 079

You deserved it 4 120

02/01/2015 16:20

Today, I woke up at 4am needing a piss, only to walk in on my fuckstick brother combing his pubes with our mom's toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 094

You deserved it 2 651

17/04/2009 01:16

Today, I was driving home from school, when I saw this girl I like walking home. Trying to be polite, I pulled over and asked if she wanted a ride. After my offer, I was rejected as she said "No, I'm actually already home," and walked up the nearest driveway... MY driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 032

You deserved it 6 961

Kittens are everything

By Squanto - 16/08/2021 16:01

Today, I realized that since moving in with my boyfriend and adopting two kittens, I feel more alone than ever. He cuddles the kittens more than me, he doesn’t want to hang out with me at home anymore. Is this normal? FML

I agree, your life sucks 725

You deserved it 135

Romance isn't dead

By budda1368 - 09/10/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. It was amazing, besides for the fact I barely felt him. I pretty much faked the entire thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 890

You deserved it 952

12/06/2013 17:33

Today, I was walking to the gym when the woman in front of me dropped some cash. I picked it up and tried to get her attention. She saw the money and thought I was trying to pay her to sleep with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 906

You deserved it 4 469

29/05/2009 20:14

Today, I was sitting in my basement watching IT. I heard a knocking at my door and turned the outside lights on to see a clown outside staring in at me. I freaked out and began screaming and jumping around like a Chihuahua on drugs. My friends told me it should be on YouTube within the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 111

You deserved it 9 001

Oh, hai Mark!

By Anonymous - 26/09/2021 10:59

Spicy

Today, my kids did not tell me the AC guy was here. I got up and went to the restroom in my bra and underwear, and the AC guy was standing in the bathroom. Our AC unit is downstairs, so both me and the AC guy were shocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 140

29/08/2010 16:58

Today, my boyfriend sat me down to reassure me that his competitive, possessive ex-wife will not come between us or ruin our relationship. Mid-conversation, his phone rang. It was her, and he left to answer it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 447

You deserved it 3 912

02/01/2017 11:03

Today, I woke up in a bathtub, completely soaked and covered in both mine and someone else's puke. Happy New Year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 409

You deserved it 5 318

05/05/2014 07:53

Spicy

Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 377

You deserved it 23 973

14/02/2016 16:26

Today, I gave my boyfriend a $300 cooler for Valentine's Day. When I asked what he got me, he pointed at my stomach. I'm 3 months pregnant with his baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 678

You deserved it 3 362

Can't see for shit

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 14:02

Today, I was out walking my dog. After he took a dump, I went to pick it up but my glasses fell right in his poop. I didn’t have tissue, just the plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 209

30/11/2009 07:27

Today, I pulled over to help an attractive girl on the highway in the middle of nowhere. When I asked if she needed help she told me she was going to try starting her car one more time. She then started to make fake engine noises and told me that she was good to go and that I should be on my way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 329

You deserved it 5 975

28/07/2009 07:29

Today, I was at my job as a flight attendant. A passenger on my plane stopped breathing and turned blue. As I cleared his airways and was busy strapping an oxygen mask to his face, the passenger behind him tried to hand me her trash. Apparently I'm a walking trash can, no matter what I'm doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 410

You deserved it 3 321

27/10/2014 23:05

Today, I was being interviewed for a grant over the phone. When asked why I wanted to go to school to be an OB nursing assistant, I panicked and yelled, "BECAUSE VAGINAS ARE FASCINATING!" into the receiver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 613

You deserved it 13 780

18/11/2015 02:13

Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 900

You deserved it 9 371

20/04/2016 10:04

Today, I ran into a new guy at work who told me the regional manager was visiting today to evaluate the staff. I scoffed and said that everything I'd heard about the manager made him seem like a total prick. His reply? "Maybe, but I'm a prick who can FIRE people." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 272

You deserved it 27 040

Pink Lightsaber

By Obi-Wan - 08/09/2019 04:00

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my 17 year-old son masturbating. He froze, raised his hand and tried to use the "force" to remove the memory. I'm regretting ever having let him watch Star Wars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 749

You deserved it 414

Nice guys

By Anonymous - 13/06/2021 19:59

Today, having split up with my husband, I tried to plan visitation so he could visit my sons, his stepkids, only to be told he has no intention of visiting kids that aren’t actually his, and that now we’re divorced they're entirely my problem and good riddance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 624

You deserved it 980

08/03/2010 05:14

Today, I found out my husband of 10 years has a online blog. Excited to read about myself, I began skimming, only to find out that every entry is him explaining how he let his "soulmate" walk away 9 years ago because of his "previous commitment" and how he regrets it every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 013

You deserved it 3 595

14/04/2009 17:17

Today, I took my driving test. Completing the test, we returned and parked at the testing facility. As my tester was complimenting me, I leaned down to wind my window up, catching my long hair in the window. Frantically thrashing, I put the car in drive and floored it into a concrete wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 246

You deserved it 59 892

14/06/2009 00:43

Today, my sister and I got fitted for bridesmaid's dresses. It was pretty sheer material, so I took off my bright pink thong and left it on the changing room hanger. As I was looking at myself in the mirror, a woman came out of the room holding my thong. She had tried it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 581

You deserved it 10 952

30/12/2009 07:03

Today, my husband left me for one of the college students I was tutoring in Spanish. We have two kids and are expecting a third. He left a note that said he would "stay in touch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 067

You deserved it 2 815

05/06/2015 18:05

Today, during jury duty, the shitbag who's accused of capital murder in our trial took the stand. The prosecution made him look like a total idiot. He got more and more flustered and eventually screamed at us that he'll have us killed if we find him guilty. I believe him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 823

You deserved it 2 598

23/03/2014 05:31

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't know what it's like to be turned on. Apparently, I've been doing something wrong for the past two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 678

You deserved it 7 294

20/05/2015 08:45

Spicy

Today, my brother babysat for me. He invited his girlfriend around without me knowing, and they were all playing hide and seek together. While he and his girl were hiding, they decided to have a quickie. My three year old found them and saw everything. She won't stop copying their sex noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 009

You deserved it 3 602

13/05/2012 05:02

Spicy

Today, I went to the store for some pads with my dad. We got them and then went to the cashier. That's when he realized that they were scented. He took one out of the box, sniffed it, made me sniff it, then insisted the cashier smell it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 461

You deserved it 2 712

20/08/2009 06:22

Today, I was eating with a friend while walking on the sidewalk. A couple of pigeons were bothering us so I threw a fry onto the street. As a flock of pigeons were gathering around the fry, a truck drove by. Only four survived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 503

You deserved it 49 880

04/08/2011 03:27

Spicy

Today, the closest I came to doing something that could be vaguely construed as "constructive" was wanking and crying. Sometimes simultaneously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 050

You deserved it 28 167

03/05/2012 12:16

Today, I went for a job interview for a building position at a retail store. They saw on my application that I was good at math. They asked me what the circumference of a circle is. Being nervous during the interview, I accidentally said the area of a circle. I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 281

You deserved it 7 338

14/03/2012 11:31

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the world did not used to be black and white. It was just the pictures that were. She still doesn't believe me. She's eighteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 093

You deserved it 2 705

31/10/2010 13:30

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she didnt want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 055

You deserved it 9 872

08/04/2009 20:42

Today, my good friend who just had a baby girl sent her newborn's pictures to me via picture message. To reply, instead of writing "Awwwwww" I wrote "Ewwwwww" by mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 837

You deserved it 63 674

Back to the drawing board

By BackIGo - 15/01/2021 02:01

Today, I finished birthday shopping for my husband, my son, and a close friend, who all have birthdays within a week. I was proud of myself for being organized, until I remembered: my husband has a twin sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 149

Toxic masculinity

By Anonymous - 13/01/2021 09:01

Today, it was one of those rare occasions I wore shorts. The first thing my male cousin said was, "Why so sexy?” Misogyny is why I don’t wear shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 645

03/09/2009 20:59

Today, my girlfriend reached into my pocket to get my keys so she could get something out of my car. When she yanked them out, the condom that we just used flew up into the air and landed on the floor in front of her entire family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 831

You deserved it 60 724

01/07/2017 20:00

Spicy

Today, ever since my boyfriend has seen A Clockwork Orange, he always suggests that we have sex by asking, "How about a little of the good old in-out-in-out?" and refers to his genitals as, "Yarbles". He seriously doesn't understand why this turns me off every time and our sex life has sunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 845

You deserved it 678

Office world is hell

By Anonymous - 11/07/2020 14:01

Today, at work I was sitting on the toilet and a coworker came in and yelled, “That sounded like a big one!” and wouldn't leave until I left came out of the stall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 400

You deserved it 127

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Top comments

Druu 53

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Monday 17 April 2017 9:23

"Wow, my own personal Alan?! I've never had one of those before!"

pjsr 32

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Monday 17 April 2017 4:08

Not ready for prime time

Comments

pjsr 32

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Monday 17 April 2017 4:08

Not ready for prime time

RichardPencil 30

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Monday 17 April 2017 4:20

I hope you're good at loosening and tightening hex-head bolts!

AwkwardLifeOfALesbianGamer 5

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Monday 17 April 2017 7:20

Almost everyone has been there at some point, OP! We tend to mess up more when nervous! <3

Druu 53

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Monday 17 April 2017 9:23

"Wow, my own personal Alan?! I've never had one of those before!"

EmperorPalpatine 19

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Monday 17 April 2017 13:40

Oh, you never had your own personal Alan? You realize that they sell a six pack of Alans at Walmart for $15.99. Unless you're really strapped for cash, then you can get the six pack of Carls for $8.50.

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Monday 17 April 2017 9:27

wow the important figure must be overjoyed to have his own Alan. dnt feel bad OP almost everyone gets tongue tied.

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Monday 17 April 2017 12:30

Is it me, or does anyone else think of Alan from "The Hangover"?

HUGBUG 23

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Monday 17 April 2017 13:44

I don't get it

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Monday 17 April 2017 14:47

I get tongue tied all the time because my brain is three words ahead of my mouth. My usual "save" is to follow up with "I love lamp!"

JMcool 18

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Monday 17 April 2017 20:16

Hopefully the person has a sense of humor about it (I'm sure it was pretty funny).

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Monday 17 April 2017 22:11

Pretty sure we've all been there at some point. All you can do is laugh and make fun of yourself.