Today, I met an important figure in my line of work who also...

By daddyrobyn - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I met an important figure in my line of work who also happens to know my dad, Alan. Upon meeting said person, I let my social anxiety get the best of me and I greeted him by saying, "Hi! I'm your Alan!" FML

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Work

Lockdown is driving us down

The road to hell…

Dad of the year

By CheeseLover - United States - Spring

Today, the pizza delivery man and I know more about each other than me and my family ever have. FML

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By HansonLUVR - United States

Today, I was eating lunch naked at my home watching porn on the big screen. I heard the garage door opening meaning my roommate was coming home. In my haste to get dressed, I fell back in the barstool I was sitting in and knocked myself out. I woke up still naked and with lettuce all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML

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By uneek_3225 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I met his mother for lunch to discuss wedding plans. When we got there, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. I heard a woman talking on her cell phone in the stall about her son's "disgusting, slutty girlfriend." The toilet flushed and my future mother-in-law walked out. FML

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By lgt5628 - United States - Miami

Today, a man approached my delivery van and asked for change for a $5 bill. I guess I should've expected him to grab the change and run off with the extra money. FML

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By Nox - United States

Today, my girlfriend accused me of not having any friends. So I sent out a mass text saying "Hey, what's up?" to prove her wrong. I didn't get any replies. FML

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By Mushman

Today, I sharted while skiing - wearing a bib outfit and no change of clothing. FML

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By Grimmy - United States - Brunswick

Today, after asking my hubby for what seems the millionth time to stop shoving his finger into my bum crack, I thought it would be funny to give him a taste of his own medicine by doing it to him. Right as my finger was in his crack, he let loose a huge fart. FML

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By halebop - United States

Today, I was talking with my father on the phone when I mentioned I wanted to stay at school over the summer and work. He asked if it would be lonely with the campus empty, when I replied that my friends would be working here too. He asked: "What, all two of them?" FML

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By OhNo - United Kingdom

Today, I got my sister to pluck my eyebrows. She shaped them wrong, so now I look constantly sad. FML

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By nicetoknow - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I was showing my crush/co-worker how to operate a particular piece of machinery. She exclaimed out loud, "Oh! This knob pulls out," then mumbled under her breath, "unlike my boyfriend." FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my boss walked in my office to see me busy making a little Post-it dress for my pen. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Kick the bum out, part 2

Today, my fiancé thinks that the only reason I innocently asked him how soon he wants to have kids after we get married is that he thinks I'm racing to beat a friend or family member. Now I can't even be excited about starting a family with this man without having ulterior motives. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Wrong question

Today, my girlfriend and I were having ice cream and I jokingly asked, "What's better? The sex or ice cream?" Apparently, I don't pleasure her like Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream does. FML

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By MrT

Today, I phoned my bank. The person wouldn't speak to me about my account as I "sound female" despite being a year 30-old-male. They had to get a supervisor and listen to recordings of past calls to believe me. This isn't the first time I've been mistaken for a girl on the phone. FML

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By hotboxed

Today, while we were sleeping, my girlfriend and I rolled to opposite sides of the bed. When I woke up, I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. Her response was to fart in her sleep, resulting in a smell so noxious that I had no choice but to roll back to the other side. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to the pool with my son. One moment I'm sitting down, applying sunscreen to my legs, and the next I look up to see him squatting on the diving board, seconds before dropping a deuce into the pool. As we got kicked out, he screamed that it was my fault. FML

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By Unluckiest Guy of the group - United States

Today, my friends and I were having a conversation about which mythical creature would be the most unlikely to exist in the real world. They all collectively agreed that it would be a girl who is attracted to me. FML

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By ouch - United Kingdom

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother woke me up and asked to borrow money. Still groggy, I mumbled where my money stash was. She took all $300 and refuses to pay me back because I'm her son and I "owe" her. FML

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By juggalomurderer59 - United States

Today, at the gym, some muscle head idiot started yelling at the treadmill for not going fast enough, and I muttered "roid rage". Apparently said roids give him superhuman hearing, because he heard me from the other side of the room, and threatened to kill me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going to propose. Since he was really nervous, he decided to have a couple of drinks to loosen up. He ended up throwing up and passing out before he could get down on one knee. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 08:29

Thanks for all the help

Today, I found the Facebook album my sister took with her kids by the pool and out on boats while back in our hometown. My problem? I'm our dad's carer since his stroke and she had planned the trip as a mission to help me take care of him, but due to her kids being "sick", she only visited briefly. Twice. In 5 weeks. FML

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By killingmyselfimmediately

Today, I had the flu and couldn't go to school. My dad called in and told them that I couldn't be there because I have an itchy anus. Not only that, but my birthday's tomorrow. FML

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By Ooops - Canada

Baked

Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I let out a moan that can only really be described as sounding like a clown car horn. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn't continue. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend, when my upstairs neighbor decided to take the longest piss known to man. He moaned the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little sister filled the huge house I spent over a week building in Minecraft with TNT. She then demanded I give her all the money in my wallet, or she'd blow it all up. She's now $86.25 richer, and my parents think it's too hilarious to make her give me my money back. FML

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By Tgreject - United States

Today, I was planning on asking out a girl I've been really close to for a few months now. I was with her when I got a forward text from my friend. It was from the girl and it said "noooo tell him not to ask me out I don't like him." I got rejected via forward text before I told her how I felt. FML

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By Shopgirl - Australia

Today, I found a wallet on the train. I called the owner, who said he would come around and pick it up. When he finally did, he looked inside and screamed that his money was missing, and that I was a dirty thief. I never took a cent. He's filing theft charges against me. FML

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By ish - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me in the parking lot right before a baseball game, then convinced me to still go to the game in tears. After the game, we were walking back to the car and he goes, "so, how about some break up lovin'?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had botox injections to stop my face sweating so much. Now the sweat is almost gone, but my facial expression seems to be stuck on "baffled." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to kiss my girlfriend right as the clock struck midnight for New Year's. She put her hand in front of my mouth, and broke up with me. FML

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By G-6

Today, I was on the plane asleep. I woke up after feeling the plane jolt and I screamed at the top of my lungs. The little girl next to me told me I was a sissy. Everyone on the plane laughed. FML

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By Anony Mous - United States

Today, my boyfriend moved. I found out when I went over to surprise him with take-out food and he was pulling out of the driveway. He flipped me off as he drove past. FML

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By teejayrn - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time. His response was to smile and pat me on the head. FML

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By JessicaandGhazi - 9/6/2020 08:04

So hard

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying in bed after having sex. I commented on him still having an erection after having an orgasm. He said it happens whenever he has a strong orgasm. Then he added, "And surprisingly, I was even thinking about you when it happened." FML

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By Debbie3247 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I taught a high school class on public speaking. When I explained how important it was for a presentation to be polished and professional, one kid asked, "Is it professional for your skirt to be tucked into your underwear? I didn't know they made My Little Pony panties for adults." FML

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By ProudMother - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, my 20-year-old came whining to me, asking why his job interviews keep going so poorly. I had to delicately explain that the "PIMP SLAP" tattoo he had put on his right hand recently may have something to do with it. FML

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Top comments

By Druu | 53

#7440178 - Monday 17 April 2017 9:23

"Wow, my own personal Alan?! I've never had one of those before!"

By pjsr | 32

#7440105 - Monday 17 April 2017 4:08

Not ready for prime time

COMMENTS

By pjsr | 32

#7440105 - Monday 17 April 2017 4:08

Not ready for prime time

By RichardPencil | 28

#7440121 - Monday 17 April 2017 4:20

I hope you're good at loosening and tightening hex-head bolts!

By AwkwardLifeOfALesbianGamer | 5

#7440143 - Monday 17 April 2017 7:20

Almost everyone has been there at some point, OP! We tend to mess up more when nervous! <3

By Druu | 53

#7440178 - Monday 17 April 2017 9:23

"Wow, my own personal Alan?! I've never had one of those before!"

EmperorPalpatine | 19

#7440268 - Monday 17 April 2017 13:40

Oh, you never had your own personal Alan? You realize that they sell a six pack of Alans at Walmart for $15.99. Unless you're really strapped for cash, then you can get the six pack of Carls for $8.50.

By wickedgetz | 29

#7440181 - Monday 17 April 2017 9:27

wow the important figure must be overjoyed to have his own Alan.
dnt feel bad OP almost everyone gets tongue tied.

By Tarlachia | 33

#7440248 - Monday 17 April 2017 12:30

Is it me, or does anyone else think of Alan from "The Hangover"?

By HUGBUG | 23

#7440270 - Monday 17 April 2017 13:44

I don't get it

By Colon_Man | 17

#7440293 - Monday 17 April 2017 14:47

I get tongue tied all the time because my brain is three words ahead of my mouth.
My usual "save" is to follow up with "I love lamp!"

By JMcool | 18

#7440420 - Monday 17 April 2017 20:16

Hopefully the person has a sense of humor about it (I'm sure it was pretty funny).

By Sharon W | 1

#7440463 - Monday 17 April 2017 22:11

Pretty sure we've all been there at some point. All you can do is laugh and make fun of yourself.