Today, I met an important figure in my line of work who also...

By daddyrobyn - 17/4/2017 04:00 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I met an important figure in my line of work who also happens to know my dad, Alan. Upon meeting said person, I let my social anxiety get the best of me and I greeted him by saying, "Hi! I'm your Alan!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

4336

You deserved it

603

Favorite

Work

Family values

Rock, hard place

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By 2ndplacechamp - 1/6/2011 05:43 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were driving to a costume party. On the way, we got into an argument and she kicked me out of her car. I had to walk around the city center in an Iron Man outfit trying to find the party venue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32434

You deserved it

9422

Favorite

By - 8/2/2017 14:00 - United States

Today, after months of trying to convince my violent bipolar antisocial neighbors to crack a window when they smoke pot, I'm now living without any heat to avoid being blasted by pot smoke from the heat vents day and night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5529

You deserved it

1098

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/4/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, I was running a marathon. I stopped to massage my stiff legs, when an elderly spectator taunted, "Oohhh yeah, that's it! Massage those legs good, boy!" She looked about 70. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32132

You deserved it

4837

Favorite

By CollegeBound - 17/8/2012 19:55 - United States - Tully

Today, at age eighteen, I finished moving out of my parents' house and into my own. The only person to even remotely give a shit was my sister, and that was only because I was taking the cat with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24156

You deserved it

2339

Favorite

By virginmary - 6/12/2009 08:07 - United States

Today, my mom told me that I am going to end up getting myself pregnant. I am 21 and a virgin. She continued to yell at me and call me a liar all night. I don't know which is worse, being a 21 year old virgin or my mother accusing me of lying about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37346

You deserved it

3164

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 10:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I arrived home after a hard day's work to see my 12-year-old sister had greased up my 8-year-old brother with butter and olive oil, and was attempting to slide him down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24760

You deserved it

2405

Favorite

By girlfriday - 11/6/2009 15:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my left-handed boss needed PC help. I said "right-click for the menu." She said nothing happened. Three times we went through this. Eventually I went over, asking her to show me what she did. She was using her right hand on the left mouse button. She earns £10,000 more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64966

You deserved it

3496

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/1/2015 14:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was rushed to the hospital with anal tearing. We've never tried anal before, but it turns out she and my "best friend" sure have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46955

You deserved it

3047

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/3/2014 05:07 - Australia - Brighton

Today, I had the cops called on me for acting suspiciously. I was using a payphone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44548

You deserved it

3993

Favorite

By FrozenAnonymus - 14/7/2016 18:05 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was laying on a couch with my dog watching TV when I heard my dog fart. I looked at her, she looked at me and started waving her tail, blowing it into my direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11765

You deserved it

1492

Favorite

By Stumanji - 29/12/2010 11:42 - United States

Today, I found out my reward for topping three of the four employee performance charts was a paycut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27979

You deserved it

2181

Favorite

By fuck - 13/7/2013 17:22 - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30421

You deserved it

59534

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 00:28 - United States

Today, I was texting my friend. He has a history of depression, which we were talking about, and somehow, he turned the conversation to: "If we ever broke up, I would kill myself." I didn't even know we were even going out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41966

You deserved it

2973

Favorite

By retainer - 22/7/2009 22:36 - United States

Today, at the dentist, the new, rather airy assistant went to prep me for an extraction. She began pulling on something in my mouth, and a moment later, I felt intense pain and then the wetness of blood. She was trying to pull out "that weird wire thing". In other words, my permanent retainer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69086

You deserved it

2794

Favorite

By ThisBlows - 21/9/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51113

You deserved it

8783

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 21:32 - United States

Today, I went on a drive with my girlfriend when we went past a 'Dead End' sign. She pointed to it and said it was "Foreshadowing our relationship". FML

I agree, your life sucks

34769

You deserved it

3497

Favorite

By JessMelodique - 14/12/2016 03:01

Today, I finally decided to try an alternative to peanut butter, since I found out I was allergic a while back. Two hours later I had to be sent home because the allegedly allergen-free SunButter caused my lips and throat to swell and patches of rashes to form all over my body. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8105

You deserved it

712

Favorite

By simon - 11/1/2018 06:00

Today, my mother, who insists on sticking her nose into every aspect of my life, found out I'm only "middle management" and called my boss to criticize her for undervaluing me, demanding I be promoted immediately. I am now the laughingstock of my office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5111

You deserved it

402

Favorite

By firewait - 13/5/2009 00:23 - Canada

Today, I gave my 16 year old step daughter and her friends a lecture on respecting other people's privacy. Two hours later, I accidentally walked into her room without knocking. She and her friends were giving each other bikini waxes. Now her friends call me the hypocritical pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16501

You deserved it

79829

Favorite

By TheJuggla17 - 22/12/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, I put in an application to my local market for a job that I desperately needed. I was talking to the manager, he seemed pleased with my application and said he'll call me. As he walks into his private office, I hear the sound of a paper shredder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28980

You deserved it

2597

Favorite

By gloria77 - 23/1/2012 23:26 - United States

Today, I took my kids to visit their grandma. At one point while playing, my youngest said "shit", so I admonished her. My mom snorted and told me to "stop being such a little bitch", because it will make my kids into "lame prisses like their mother". FML

I agree, your life sucks

30239

You deserved it

7449

Favorite

By Derek Lee - 22/5/2011 13:53 - United States

Today, I sold my Xbox 360 on Craigslist. I met the dude at the mall. I gave him my Xbox and a handshake for buying. I left without the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18832

You deserved it

70161

Favorite

By hdat - 11/6/2009 17:51 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72723

You deserved it

16137

Favorite

By mynameis - 13/11/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, I was walking to the parking lot from class while texting. When I looked up as I approached my parking spot, I noticed the words "F*ck you Dave" keyed into my car. Hi, my name is Clare. Who's Dave? FML

I agree, your life sucks

38287

You deserved it

2239

Favorite

By nojob - 7/5/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I was desperately handing out resumes. I came to my local grocery store and asked for a job application, the customer service rep told me all she needed was my resume. I smiled and gave it to her only to see her read it, laugh and put it straight in the garbage as I walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50003

You deserved it

4431

Favorite

By OhDeary - 1/8/2011 20:18 - United States

Today, our power went out due to some severe storms. My daughter, who is 18, asked me why the lights on the car still worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41237

You deserved it

9666

Favorite

By Heyme - 9/12/2008 13:50 - France

Today, I was working and eating. I was so tired that I crunched my pen and crushed my chocolate-filled pastry on my exercise book. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19276

You deserved it

6651

Favorite

By melean - 4/10/2010 06:37 - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, on my way to school I dropped my money. As I turned to pick it up, I saw an old lady snatch it up. We began to argue when a police officer came over. Not only was I accused of being a disorderly thief, but that old lady just walked away with my lunch money for the entire week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41530

You deserved it

3047

Favorite

By broooooock - 16/7/2009 01:04 - United States

Today, it dawned on me that I've been married for 6 months, but because of the Army I've spent only around 12 days total with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

79463

You deserved it

13345

Favorite

By a single fuck - 23/5/2013 16:40 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my girlfriend actually yelled, "Why are you making this all about YOU?!" after I confronted her over cheating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51866

You deserved it

3089

Favorite

By Dead_Eye - 27/9/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, I turned down an invite to a huge private party that is rarely given to freshmen in college, because I felt bad that I hadn't had a chance to talk to my girlfriend in a couple of days. I called her a couple of hours later. She answered with, "Hey, I'm at a party. I will call you tomorrow?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36597

You deserved it

20954

Favorite

By Sean - 27/10/2010 10:04 - United States

Today, we surprised my grandpa by being at his house when he arrived. We haven't seen him in seven years. He had a small heart attack. It was his birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30014

You deserved it

8012

Favorite

By Dave - 29/11/2012 14:22 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my 5 kids were singing their favorite Christmas carols in the van, each trying to sing louder than the others. It would have probably sounded better if they were all singing the same one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25427

You deserved it

4468

Favorite

By CaBur - 19/2/2013 22:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, at work I got in an elevator to go upstairs. It wasn't until the doors opened minutes later and people stepped in that I realized I had zoned out and forgot to press the button for the floor I needed. I then promptly exited the elevator and waited for the next elevator to go up in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10284

You deserved it

26980

Favorite

By asdfjkl - 6/9/2009 17:27 - United States

Today, I had a long, meaningful telephone conversation. After hanging up, I realized I hadn't had such a great conversation in a long time. Who was it with? The Dell Customer Support guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38113

You deserved it

5605

Favorite

By Ms.rain - 7/12/2018 12:30

Today my boyfriend went through my phone while I was in the bathroom to check if I was cheating...... I wasn't. He was looking for some leverage so when he told me he's been fucking my bestfriend for the last year, he could use something against me... FML

I agree, your life sucks

4141

You deserved it

226

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 02:02

Higher standards

Today, my mom fought with me again for missing an "important" 4th of July family barbecue. I was working until the morning, finishing grad school applications. There are always family events, and also apparently my brother missing the same barbecue to party with friends is perfectly fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1217

You deserved it

Favorite

By superdrinkingbud - 23/6/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, after having diarrhoea all week, my girlfriend dragged me to London. Expecting to not be able to find a toilet, I decided to fast for the day. We spent 3 hours wandering the food stalls of Camden market with her friends. So many free samples I had to refuse… FML

I agree, your life sucks

3908

You deserved it

568

Favorite

By lollipopp56 - 26/3/2009 06:09 - Canada

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

148829

You deserved it

13745

Favorite

By kylie18xx21 - 1/2/2013 15:26 - United States

Today, I had to leave my ACT prep class ten minutes in to pick up my drunken father from his best friend's baby shower. I picked him up along with a bill for the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29322

You deserved it

2282

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Druu | 53

#7440178 - Monday 17 April 2017 9:23

"Wow, my own personal Alan?! I've never had one of those before!"

By pjsr | 32

#7440105 - Monday 17 April 2017 4:08

Not ready for prime time

Comments

By pjsr | 32

#7440105 - Monday 17 April 2017 4:08

Not ready for prime time

By RichardPencil | 28

#7440121 - Monday 17 April 2017 4:20

I hope you're good at loosening and tightening hex-head bolts!

By AwkwardLifeOfALesbianGamer | 5

#7440143 - Monday 17 April 2017 7:20

Almost everyone has been there at some point, OP! We tend to mess up more when nervous! <3

By Druu | 53

#7440178 - Monday 17 April 2017 9:23

"Wow, my own personal Alan?! I've never had one of those before!"

EmperorPalpatine | 19

#7440268 - Monday 17 April 2017 13:40

Oh, you never had your own personal Alan? You realize that they sell a six pack of Alans at Walmart for $15.99. Unless you're really strapped for cash, then you can get the six pack of Carls for $8.50.

By wickedgetz | 29

#7440181 - Monday 17 April 2017 9:27

wow the important figure must be overjoyed to have his own Alan.
dnt feel bad OP almost everyone gets tongue tied.

By Tarlachia | 33

#7440248 - Monday 17 April 2017 12:30

Is it me, or does anyone else think of Alan from "The Hangover"?

By HUGBUG | 23

#7440270 - Monday 17 April 2017 13:44

I don't get it

By Colon_Man | 17

#7440293 - Monday 17 April 2017 14:47

I get tongue tied all the time because my brain is three words ahead of my mouth.
My usual "save" is to follow up with "I love lamp!"

By JMcool | 18

#7440420 - Monday 17 April 2017 20:16

Hopefully the person has a sense of humor about it (I'm sure it was pretty funny).

By Sharon W | 1

#7440463 - Monday 17 April 2017 22:11

Pretty sure we've all been there at some point. All you can do is laugh and make fun of yourself.