Today, I messaged my sister on Facebook chat. We always start...

By Anon - 13/2/2010 14:53 - United States

Today, I messaged my sister on Facebook chat. We always start our conversations with "HEY SLUT" or "HEY WHORE" etc. It wasn't my sister. However, her boyfriend's mom has a great first impression of me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Season finale

Boom, headshot

This is fine

By ditched?? - 6/8/2010 09:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving around town in his car. To my surprise he took me out to lunch. As we were leaving, a girl walks up and asks if he had room for one more for a ride, sadly he only has two seats in his car. Guess who had to walk! FML

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By Jordid - 19/8/2010 04:12 - United States

Today, my Mom felt the need to walk around school and tell everyone to be nice to me because I just started my period. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, my family made a fake boyfriend for me on Facebook, since it's been so long since I had one. I accepted the relationship request to try and trick people into thinking I actually had a boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2017 18:00

Today, I had to stop on a long trip to use the restroom at a gas station. Apparently, there was water damage beneath the toilet, because after about two minutes of doing my business, it collapsed about seven inches beneath the floor. Guess who got covered in water, black mold, and poo. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2011 18:20 - United States

Mixing it up

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

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By copycat - 19/3/2015 05:05 - United States - Norco

Today, I turned in my homework. Too bad I accidentally handed in the printed answer sheet I found online to copy from. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 05:06 - United States - Arlington Heights

Today, I went to a café and got some soup. When I was done, a nice waiter came over and offered to take my mostly empty soup bowl. I quickly at the last of it, looked up smiling and said "thanks". The soup dribbled out of my mouth and onto his hand. FML

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By Jessie - 22/8/2019 12:01 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I told my boyfriend of 4 years that I'm pregnant. He suggested we get a paternity test done. FML

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By unendowed - 18/3/2012 02:11 - United States - Katy

Time consumed

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

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By she knows - 8/10/2013 16:30 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I was at my in-laws' house, and as I was walking to the living room I had my hands on the back of my hips supporting my back. My mother-in-law told me to stop because it makes me look pregnant. I'm 9 months pregnant. FML

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By donttouchmyhair - 19/3/2014 18:14 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, a crazy woman grabbed my hair and mentioned how lovely it was. She then asked when I would donate it. I told her I didn't want to, at which point she started yelling that she was going to get some scissors and cut it all off to teach me a lesson. FML

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By notpayedenoughforthisshit - 21/7/2014 21:15 - United States - Boone

Today, for the third time this week, I had to clean up after someone who pissed themselves in the beer aisle at the grocery store where I work. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2013 07:18 - United States - American Canyon

Today, my wife packed my lunch. Inside of my lunchbox was a photo of her eating my sandwiches. FML

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By Someone - 16/4/2014 00:20 - Canada - Windsor

Today, our family went to a water park. The park's mascot came up to greet us, and my daughter got scared. She then refused to go inside, so we had no choice but to leave. FML

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By nV1ous - 17/9/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went to a bar during Irishfest. When I returned to my girlfriend she was crying and told me that this guy pushed her. I confronted the guy and poured my beer on him who just happened to be the chief of police. He was trying to make room for a guy in a wheelchair. FML

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By moudly - 6/1/2010 21:28 - United States

Today, my mom finally believed me when I said I smelled mold. I lifted up the couch, and it was covered in mold. So were the bottoms of all our furniture, our beds, and my grandma's vintage chair. We've been living in mold for the past 4 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2013 09:29 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my pre-teen brother has started using the entire Axe line because he believes that it will give him an "edge with the ladies". He insists on using the products at least three times a day, including before bedtime. I'm allergic to anything that is perfumed. We share a room. FML

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By cherrycokeee - 6/2/2010 18:29 - France

Today, my boyfriend of two years said he would finally take me somewhere romantic. I spent my day at a Star Wars convention. FML

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By ouch - 25/3/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2013 21:15 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I just about managed to convince the judge to overlook my client's emotional outbursts in the courtroom, promising that he'd be on his best behavior from now on. An hour later, he screamed "FUCK YOU!" at the judge for telling him to quiet down. I hate my job. FML

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By Perry85 - 10/12/2019 05:00

Not my turn

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she says "Don't cum in me, my husband has plans for later." FML

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By 16590 - 15/6/2012 22:13 - Sweden

Today, while I was driving home, some jackass in an open-top sports car overtook us and flipped me off. Just as I overtook him in turn, my wife rolled down her window, pulled out her tampon, and launched it at the kid. I'm not sure who was more horrified: me or him. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2012 22:21 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, my mum found out she's pregnant. I would be happy for her, if she knew who the father was. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 13:50 - South Africa

Today, I went to a huge party. My ex boyfriend was there who I still have feelings for, so I decided to make him jealous by making out with the really drunk guy next to me. While we were making out, he threw up in my mouth and all over me. Everybody found it hysterical including my ex. FML

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By chinatownhobo - 8/4/2013 06:12 - Australia - Canberra

Today, while at a hospital, a prayer group circled me and started praying that God and the good doctors and nurses would heal me from the disease that disfigured my face. I was there to visit my sick grandmother. FML

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By tryingnottocare - 6/8/2009 20:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after being supportive for nearly a year, my brother finally came out of the closet and introduced the family to his new boyfriend. His new boyfriend happens to be my ex-boyfriend. Guess I know why that didn't work out now. FML

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By owned - 28/4/2009 14:12 - Singapore

Today, I turned 18. My parents gave me a card that read "now that you're 18, it's time for some boozy fun... you can do all the things you did before but legally!" Taped to the inside was my fake id that I "lost" three months ago. FML

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By Checkless chick - 8/5/2013 22:21 - United States

Today, I decided I would try this feature on my banking app which lets me deposit checks by sending a picture of it. The instructions say to rip the check after depositing. The deposit didn't work and now I've got a ripped up paycheck. FML

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By konacoffee17 - 14/12/2014 05:15 - United States - Portland

Today, I was having a nice conversation with my fiancé when he said out of nowhere, "I sold some of your panties". I thought he was joking so I said I hoped they weren't any of my favorites. He wasn't joking, though, and now some stranger from Craigslist owns my panties. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2010 11:25 - United States

Today, there were a few loud and annoying kids running around my store. My coworker and I started talking and I jokingly stated "Yeah, kids ruin everything." But before I could get out "God knows I'm not ready to be a dad," my phone rang. It was my one night stand. I'm going to be a daddy. FML

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By Fatty1970 - 23/5/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML

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By why the fuck would you do that - 25/2/2013 02:57 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my son broke his hand when he and his best friend had the genius idea of punching each other in the fists as hard as they could. FML

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By DemCherries - 28/3/2017 15:00 - United States - Overland Park

Today, at my job as a police officer, I had to arrest my own girlfriend for having sex at Walmart. She tried to get me to let her out on the grounds of being "pretty" and dating me. She wants to continue the relationship. FML

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By lion2294 - 5/3/2015 09:19 - United States - Laingsburg

Today, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't stop looking at my phone while working. I work in the back room, and there is no clock in there. I look at my phone to check the time. That way I know how long I have left in that hellhole. FML

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By ouch - 9/12/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how concerned she was about her weight. I told her not to worry, because it gives more cushion for the pushin' anyway. She picked up a lamp and threw it right at my dingleberries. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 02:02 - United States

Today, I went to an audition for a play. The casting director thanked me for my time, but told me they would pass because I had "the emotional range of a turnip." FML

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By psychworker - 15/12/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, while at work, I was asked if I wanted to leave early. I said no and let my co-worker go instead. Two hours later, I was punched in the face by one of my patients with absolutely no warning or provocation. FML

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By foreverbrown - 15/5/2012 02:23 - United States

Today, I was having dinner with my college friends to celebrate the end of our first year. I said really great things about them as individuals. The only thing they had to say to me was, "Thanks for being the token black friend." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 22:27 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I found out that, although I have the same job title and complete the same work as my male colleagues, I get paid 15% less, purely because I'm a girl. FML

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By CatLover - 6/11/2014 18:30 - United States - Bartow

Today, my mentally-unhinged mother reached a new level of psycho - she threw a tantrum and raged at my father, accusing him of cheating on her with our cat. FML

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Top comments

By MattCole | 0

#852650 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:00

What the fuck was that nosy bitch doing logged on to your sister's facebook account?

By Freeze_fml | 16

#852653 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:01

Wouldn't that be a bad impression on her sister?

Since you start the conversation derogating your sister, not yourself.

Unless she wasn't responding and you said something stupid like, "AREN'T YOU GOING TO CALL ME A WHORE?"

COMMENTS

By amazinggrace612 | 0

#852640 - Saturday 13 February 2010 19:57

first

Darrus | 0

#852918 - Saturday 13 February 2010 22:08

Do you not have anything going on in your life execpt waiting for someone to post "first" and then complaining about it? The first-posters get buried anyway, and people complaining about them are even more annoying.

Freeze_fml | 16

#852930 - Saturday 13 February 2010 22:17

Do you like complaining about people complaining about others posting first?

iCJ86 | 0

#853495 - Sunday 14 February 2010 2:19

y would u start ur conversations like that

brii1255 | 0

#853511 - Sunday 14 February 2010 2:32

at 80 . do yhu have siblings ??
we do it cuz its fun lol

silentsniper441 | 0

#853655 - Sunday 14 February 2010 3:47

there's too much a gap between me and my sister to be like that

hellokittywhore | 0

#853754 - Sunday 14 February 2010 4:55

me and my sister always mess around currenly we are call each other back all cum buckets and whore face, sometimes cunt face it's nothing serious.

Gumblebum100 | 0

#853813 - Sunday 14 February 2010 5:29

Yea I get that impression of you "hellokittywhore" I have no idea why I do though, it's just a feeling I guess, "hellokittywhore".

ladysandry | 0

#854321 - Sunday 14 February 2010 10:44

I'm wondering why instead of her sister it's her sister's boyfriend's mom...wrong name clicked? mom just being THAT nosy?

RevengeOnYou | 0

#855174 - Sunday 14 February 2010 19:18

FYl. What was she doing on your sisters account anyway??? Trying to find out what her someday-to-be daughter-in-law and her dear son talks about?

itstrishabtw | 13

#5948739 - Sunday 18 May 2014 4:23

how do you accidentally message your sisters boyfriends mom

By MattCole | 0

#852650 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:00

What the fuck was that nosy bitch doing logged on to your sister's facebook account?

treesdevin | 0

#852662 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:03

seriously.? tell that fucking bitch she shouldn't have been on ur sisters shit in the first place. haha

Subrosawolf | 0

#852667 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:04

My ex's mom did that all the time :P so I always sent a post saying "?" and let them properly identify themselves.

wooow_sucks_for_ | 0

#852681 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:09

it's bad enough to have YOUR mom on there, but even worse if it's someone elses.

Guuurlplease | 0

#853817 - Sunday 14 February 2010 5:30

That's what I thought!!!!

By MuRz_209 | 0

#852651 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:01



MuRz_209 | 0

#852659 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:03

Its a goal in life. He is first so don't fuck with #1. 

chloe2114 | 4

#852687 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:11

yeah u tell em!

fylreally | 0

#855038 - Sunday 14 February 2010 18:21

hell

By Freeze_fml | 16

#852653 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:01

garrettjordan | 0

#852656 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:02

hahaha wow that suks fyl

Emofluffinzhehe | 0

#853073 - Saturday 13 February 2010 23:35

haha exactly. ydi for conversing with promiscuous women lol

sourgirl101 | 28

#853740 - Sunday 14 February 2010 4:40

Freeze genius! I love the way you think!

mskg | 0

#857061 - Monday 15 February 2010 5:55

ha good point:):)

By samalama7 | 0

#852657 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:02

i've done that! it suckssssss!

By XDNurse | 0

#852658 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:02

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

kims0706 | 10

#4289218 - Wednesday 11 April 2012 14:15

Well its not like you except your sisters boyfriends mom to be on your sisters account

By xPGxTigerx19x | 0

#852660 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:03

Smoooooooth OP

By heavymetalman1 | 0

#852661 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:03

I would sleep with your eyes open

By Diannaa | 0

#852665 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:03

Wow that sucks, good luck with your reputation lol

By AngryNinja | 1

#852669 - Saturday 13 February 2010 20:04

well, you probably just fucked your sister's relationship. unless the boyfriend's mom will take half of the whore's profits in exchange for letting her son stay with said whore?